Board Stiff

“The Book of Lost Answers is itself fouled up, because of its nature. It is printed in the Elfabet, which only elves can properly handle. Things in its vicinity tend to spoil, such as food. The Wives don’t like the smell. One of them may have hidden it because of that. That means that not only can I not look up information I’m missing, I suffer forgetfulness, because part of myself is written in it. So I can lose track of things, such as the current Querent.”

  “Querent?”

  “You. The one who asks a Question, who queries. I should never have had to ask. Now my Answer will be necessarily incomplete, an aggravation. I am forced to speak vaguely.”

  He had been doing that for decades, Kandy thought.

  “More than usual,” the Good Magician said grumpily. “That lost book made me late for this interview. I simply have to move on without it, aggravating as it is.”

  “Well, give me what you have,” Ease said, hardly grasping the problem. But Kandy did. It could be infuriating to lose something right when you needed it.

  “Yes,” Humfrey agreed, speaking to both Ease and Kandy with different meanings. “There is a virus extant that destroys puns, Stuck-Net. It may have been developed in one of the more conservative regions of Mundania by anonymous parties and covertly released. It has to be stopped. Your Quest is to find and release the antivirus so that the puns can be saved. I regret I am unable to provide specific directions to the location of the antivirus, but my general information establishes that you will find it eventually.”

  “Why? Who cares about puns? Nobody likes them. I’d be glad to see them all wiped out.”

  “Because Xanth is largely made of puns. Without them it would be a hollow, dreary place, like Mundania.”

  “Well, find somebody else to stop them. I’m not interested.”

  “You speak as if you think you have a choice.”

  “Well I do have a--”

  STIFLE. YOU’RE STUCK IN THIS NET.

  Ease did not understand his second thought, but there it was, cutting off his argument. “. . . duty to complete my Quest,” he concluded lamely.

  “Exactly.” Humfrey closed his tired old eyes momentarily. “I can remember only one more thing, with the context gone. That is to Merge the Hair. That is what you must do when the time comes.”

  “What time?”

  “You will have to be the judge of that.”

  “But I have no idea what this is about!”

  “Perhaps in the course of your necessary travels you will develop an idea. The welfare of Xanth depends on it.”

  Ease opened his mouth.

  STIFLE Kandy repeated.

  The Good Magician’s eyes returned to his book, dismissing him.

  Downstairs MareAnn was waiting. “Ease, allow me to introduce a prospective Companion.”

  “I don’t want a Companion,” Ease said shortly.

  “You will need her as a bodyguard.”

  “A woman as a bodyguard? Are you daft?”

  MareAnn brought the person forward. “Her name is Astrid.”

  “I told you--” Then he got a good look. Astrid was absolutely lovely in the Sequins of Events dress. Her ratty hair had been brushed out into a flowing brown mane that curled down around her shoulders and bosom all the way to her nicely rounded posterior. Her face was a marvel of maiden symmetry, and her large dark glasses lent an aspect of alluring mystery. Her legs were marvelously sculptured down to her petitely slippered feet. She was a sight to take away any man’s breath.

  BREATHE! Kandy thought impatiently.

  Ease gasped, restoring his breathing. “Uh, hello Astrid.”

  “It’s so nice of you to have me along,” Astrid said. “I really appreciate it.”

  “That’s all right,” Ease said. His objection to having a Companion had mysteriously faded out.

  “But I need to warn you that her dress is special,” MareAnn continued.

  “I see that.” His eyes were straining to take in the whole of it, especially where it moved with her breathing.

  “The sequins must stay on. If one falls off, you must replace it immediately, or the dress will suffer a wardrobe malfunction. She can’t see well enough through her glasses to do it herself.”

  “Replace immediately,” he agreed, his lips trying to restrain the drool as he gazed at the small ripple where a current of air tugged the hem near her lovely knees.

  Kandy fought to bridle her jealously. She couldn’t afford it. It wasn’t Astrid’s fault that they had given her a drop dead beautiful body. Maybe that was because of her lethal nature.

  “And you must leave her alone, apart from necessary cooperation. She is not for romance.”

  “Romance,” he echoed raptly.

  “I’m so glad you understand,” MareAnn said.

  Understand? He understood none of it. Kandy knew she had her work cut out for her.

  “I have prepared backpacks with food and tools,” MareAnn said. “You should be all right on the trail, especially considering Astrid’s protection.”

  Ease finally recovered a bit of his common sense. “Where are we going?”

  “Oh, didn’t the Good Magician say?”

  “All he said was I had to find the antidote. He didn’t say where.”

  “Then I suppose you will have to look for it.”

  “The dress,” Astrid said. “I have a feeling it knows and will get us there.”

  “You can talk to it? MareAnn asked.

  “No. It’s just a feeling.”

  “That dress,” MareAnn said. “I wondered how it got in with the ordinary dresses. I wonder if Humfrey put it there? For you to find? Those sequins--”

  “I don’t know,” Astrid said.

  “Well, it’s bound to take you somewhere. I just hope it’s where you need to go.”

  Kandy hoped so too. She knew the dress was mischief. But as with men, it might be necessary to tolerate the mischief for the sake of the benefits they offered.

  Soon they were on their way, wearing the backpacks, walking along the enchanted path with no immediate destination in mind.

  They encountered a young woman walking toward them. “Hello,” she said brightly. “My name’s Penny. That’s because I’m collecting thoughts. I will give you a penny for yours.”

  “I’m not much for thinking,” Ease said.

  “Here is a penny.” She produced a shining copper coin.

  Ease wanted the pretty penny. “Uh, I’m thinking that I have no idea where I’m going, but I hope it’s interesting.”

  “Thank you.” She gave him the penny, and turned to Astrid. “You?”

  “I am thinking that you are the type of girl I wish I could be, but I can’t.”

  “Why not, if you want to be? You’re twice as pretty as I am.”

  “Because I am a basilisk in human form. My direct gaze would kill you.”

  “Oh. Thank you.” Penny flipped her a penny and hurried on.

  “Bleep,” Astrid said. “Maybe I should avoid telling folk the truth.”

  “No, tell them,” Ease advised. “I know the truth, and I think you’re fascinating.”

  “I am forbidden fruit.”

  “That, too, I guess. But I’ll try to be careful.”

  Kandy feared that it was in part the very deadliness of the basilisk that intrigued him. Forbidden fruit was generally the most tempting. This was bound to be mischief.

  Sure enough, mischief soon found them. Astrid saw a pair of large animals grazing beside the path, and skipped ahead to look at them more closely. But her skipping caused the dress to flounce, and a sequin dropped off. Immediately the dress went translucent, revealing the outline of her fine torso complete with bra and panties.

  Ease froze in place. The sight was not clear enough to freak him out completely, but it was a close call.

  “Oh look!” Astrid said. “There are words on their sides. PROB and IMPROB. What do they mean?”

  Kandy focused, knowing that Ease would not be up to it. The animals were male bo
vines, bulls, probably siblings. So the words plausibly named or defined them in some manner. Maybe it was a pun.

  Then she got it. PROB-A-BULL and IMPROB-A-BULL!

  “Proba-bull and Improba-bull,” Ease said, relaying her thought though his mind was largely in stasis. He was still staring through her dress.

  Astrid laughed deliciously. “Oh, that’s so clever! Thank you for figuring it out.”

  “Welcome,” he replied automatically.

  “Oh, I could kiss you!” Astrid said, turning around so that her skirt flared. Her legs needed no enhancement, but nevertheless got it.

  DON’T!! Kandy projected to her.

  That jolted the basilisk girl back to reality. “But of course I won’t. We must not be social.”

  A SEQUIN FELL OFF.

  Astrid looked, and realized that she was not far from nude. “Oh, my! I didn’t know!”

  PUT IT BACK ON

  That jogged Ease out of his trance. He went to pick up the sequin, then kneeled to fasten it back in the place it had been. There was a pin on the back of the sequin that needed to be poked through the material and fastened to its clasp. But he was mannishly clumsy, failing to get it right.

  Then Kandy realized it wasn’t just butterfingers. His position put him barely a hand-span in front of Astrid’s vaguely visible panties, and their power was stronger at close range. He was also breathing her perfume.

  CLOSE YOUR EYES. HOLD YOUR BREATH.

  He obeyed. That helped. He was finally able to get the sequin fastened. The dress went opaque.

  NOW BACK OFF. BREATHE. OPEN YOUR EYES.

  He did so. In a generous moment he was able to stand. He took a deep breath, opened his eyes, and looked around. “Wow!”

  For half an instant Kandy thought he was expressing appreciation for the restored dress. Then she realized it was more.

  They were no longer on the enchanted path. They were in a clearing in a forest near a hillside cave. There was a horrendous aroma.

  “I recognize that smell,” Astrid said. “Invisible giant.”

  Whose body odor was said to be like that of a hundred fat men sweating in unison. Indeed, this was every bit as bad. Invisible giants didn’t wash much.

  Uh-oh. Kandy remembered stories about a place where an invisible giant herded stray travelers into a cave. It was best not to go there.

  “I don’t like this,” Ease said. Then a bulb flashed over his head. “The sequin! When one gets put back on, it triggers an Event. This must be an Event.”

  “It must be,” Astrid agreed. “We had better depart before the giant comes.”

  There was a not-distant-enough yell. “A-OOO-GAH!” followed by the sound of splintering trees. Kandy saw a swath of trees depress as if being stepped on by a giant foot. As if? That was the giant!

  RUN!

  They got the message. Ease and Astrid took hands and ran away from the crunch.

  Crash! Another invisible foot crushed a swath of trees ahead of them. The giant, taking a giant step—what else?--had cut them off.

  “The cave!” Ease said. “He can’t get in there, or crush the rock. I think.”

  Kandy remembered more. DON’T GO THERE! THAT’S COM PEWTER’S CAVE!

  “Who is Com Pewter?” Astrid asked.

  Any reply Ease might have made was drowned out by a third crushing footstep, this one perilously close.

  Ease and Astrid dived into the cave.

  Kandy knew that now they were in for it.

  “Com Pewter is a nasty machine,” Ease belatedly answered. “He doesn’t much like people, and seeks to use them for nefarious purposes.”

  “Machine?”

  “He’s not exactly alive. He’s made of Pewter and stuff.”

  “Pewter?”

  “Well, I’m not sure exactly what pewter is. Some kind of metal.”

  ALLOY OF TIN AND LEAD Kandy thought.

  “Tin and lead,” Ease said. “And maybe other stuff. Anyway, he’s dangerous to be around.”

  “He is?” Astrid was evidently intrigued, suspecting a fellow traveler.

  “Maybe. The giant’s gone. Let’s get out of here.”

  They turned and stepped toward the cave exit.

  Printed words appeared across the air before them. TRAVELERS GO TO CENTRAL ANNEX.

  The two people turned around and marched into the mountain.

  Bleep, Kandy thought. Pewter had become aware of them.

  “Why are we going the wrong way?” Astrid asked.

  “Because Pewter controls reality in his vicinity,” Ease said. “He types it out, and we do it, whatever it is.”

  “Maybe we should tell him no.”

  She had much to learn about some aspects of Xanth.

  They came to a central lighted chamber. There was a bank of metal boxes surmounted by a glassy screen. On the screen was printed WELCOME TRAVELERS.

  “Are you Com Pewter?” Astrid asked. “We don’t feel welcome. We were driven in here by a smelly invisible giant and then couldn’t get out. That’s not nice.”

  WHO ARE YOU?

  “We don’t have to tell you that,” Astrid said.

  TRAVELERS TELL ALL

  “I am Ease,” Ease said. “My companion is Astrid. We’re on a Quest for the Good Magician.”

  THAT DOES NOT MATTER. NOW YOU ARE MY SERVANTS.

  “We’re not--” Astrid started.

  GIRL IS SILENT

  Astrid shut up. She was learning.

  YOU LOOK LIKE HEALTHY YOUNG SPECIMENS. MAYBE I WILL USE YOU TO START A BREEDING COLONY TO RUN MY ERRANDS.

  That would be a disaster, Kandy thought. But how were they to escape the power of this evil machine?

  Maybe she could arrange it. Pewter didn’t know about Kandy. She could prompt Ease to do things Pewter didn’t expect, such as escaping. START WALKING OUT.

  Ease started walking out.

  STOP WALKING OUT

  Ease stopped.

  RESUME WALKING

  He started walking again.

  WHAT IS OPPOSING ME? Pewter demanded.

  Ease continued walking, as that order had not been countered.

  REVEAL YOURSELF

  Oops. Kandy didn’t want that. I’M AN INDEPENDENT CUSS.

  “I’m an independent cuss,” Ease said, still walking.

  STOP WALKING. TURN AROUND. RETURN TO ME.

  Ease did these things, and stood before the nasty machine.

  Then Kandy got an idea. BASH COM PEWTER WITH YOUR BOARD.

  Ease bashed the screen before Pewter could understand and counter his attack. His aim, with Kandy’s guidance, was true. Glass shattered.

  But Kandy knew that the monitor was not the whole of Pewter. He had been blinded, not destroyed.

  “Get out of here!” Ease said, prompted by Kandy’s urging.

  They scrambled for the exit tunnel. In no more than three moments they were back in the forest.

  But the giant was still there. An enormous invisible hand blocked them off. SO YOU DEFY ME, he said.

  Oh, no! That was Com Pewter talking.

  But now Astrid, evidently not used to being bossed around, talked back. “You have no right to hold us. We’re on a Quest. Now get out of our way or I will be forced to hurt you.”

  OH YEAH?

  “Final warning. Retreat.”

  HO HO HO! The hand moved forward; Kandy could tell by the swishing of the breeze around it as it moved. Also by the smell.

  Astrid removed her dark glasses and gazed up into the region of the sky where the giant’s face might be.

  OOOMPH! There was an enormous thud as the giant fell back, evidently landing on his rump, in the process squashing a fair section of terrain.

  Now Kandy realized what had happened. Com Pewter might be animating the invisible giant, and talking through his mouth. But the giant was a living creature. The basilisk’s death gaze had struck him.

  Astrid put her glasses back on. “I warned you.”

  There was a stirring as the gi
ant leaned forward. “So you did. What manner of creature are you? A gorgon?”

  So the giant wasn’t dead. Maybe it had been too big for the death-gaze to do more than stun, or maybe its invisibility had diluted the effect. It might have been a glancing blow. But there had been an effect, because now a faint outline of a giant man was showing. It was the man, rather than the machine, now speaking.

  “A basilisk,” Astrid said. “Astrid Basilisk-Cockatrice, or ABC for short. Transformed to human form for the purpose of this Quest. Now will you leave us alone?”

  “I will be glad to,” the giant said. “But it is with my master Pewter you must deal.”

  “Why do you serve a machine?” Astrid asked. She seemed more assertive, now that she had unveiled herself, as it were.

  “There are benefits,” the giant said. “During off hours I get to play games on the Outernet and exchange messages with girls who don’t know my nature.”

  “I appreciate the point,” Astrid agreed. “I think I might enjoy flirting with boys who don’t know my nature.”

  Now Ease came to life. “You’re a basilisk!”

  “I’m sorry you found out so soon. I believe you found my form interesting, before you knew.”

  “It’s still interesting,” Ease said. “Especially when that dress turns translucent.”

  “It does that?” the giant asked, interested. Evidently he could see well enough, even if he couldn’t be seen, and he appreciated the sights.

  “It’s complicated,” Astrid said. “But the essence is that when a sequin falls off, the dress becomes un-opaque and my, um, legs show. It also triggers an Event, because these are Sequins of Events. This is an Event.”

  “A visit to Com Pewter,” the giant agreed.

  “Yes,” Ease said. “We aren’t looking for trouble. We didn’t realize how the sequin would take effect.”

  “I suggest you go back in the cave and talk with Pewter,” the giant said. “Now that he knows your nature, he will treat you with more respect.”

  “It’s actually Ease’s Quest,” Astrid said.

  “And surely a worthy one,” the giant said. “If I may ask, what is it?”

  “Something is destroying puns,” Ease said. “I have to find the cure so puns won’t be eliminated from Xanth. Even though I’d rather let them all be wiped out.”

  “I appreciate your mixed emotions,” the giant said. “The only thing worse than one pun is two puns. But you can’t simply walk away from Pewter. He defines reality in his vicinity, and this is part of his territory.”