Dark Surrendering

  “Well, you know you have a dress. So there’s that,” I said from the backseat.

  “That’s right. I have a dress. And it’s going to be spectacular,” she said with a dreamy sigh.

  It wasn’t just going to be spectacular. It was going to be the wedding dress to end all wedding dresses. I’d been planning it for as long as I could remember. Since we’d become friends. I also had Marisol’s dress planned too. And Chloe’s in case she ever decided to tie the knot.

  “I could make you something, Lucah,” I said. “I mean, if I’m doing Walter’s, I might as well do yours at the same time.”

  “Could you? I didn’t want to impose, but that would be fantastic.”

  “Sure thing. I already have your measurements.” I had all my friend’s measurements. I was weird that way.

  “See? What else do we need for a wedding?” Rory said.

  “A cake. Rings. A place. A minister.”

  Rory made a face. “I don’t want to get married in a church. Too traditional,” she said.

  “Really? I always liked the idea of a church wedding,” Lucah said. And then they started in again about church weddings vs. non-church weddings, and I stared out the window.

  “Is this for real, for real this time? No more practice?” Ryder asked Monday night at dinner. Rory and Lucah were giving him the down low on the now-real engagement.

  “No more practice,” Lucah said. He still had his arm around Rory, and I bet he hadn’t moved it in at least twenty-four hours.

  “Nope, we’re doing it. Getting hitched. I’m going to be your ball and chain,” Rory said, kissing Lucah’s cheek.

  “I’ll be shackled and happy,” he said, and Ryder made a disgusted sound that he turned into a cough.

  “Sorry,” Ryder said.

  He didn’t meet my eyes as I handed him a plate.

  “Hey, I put up with enough of your shit. The least you can do is put up with me talking about my wedding,” Lucah said. “So shut it.”

  Ryder put his hands in the air in surrender.

  “Shit, okay. So, tell me about the centerpieces.” He rested his elbows on the table and put his chin in his hands. I stifled a laugh.

  Lucah cuffed him on the head.

  We’d had dinner at Rory and Lucah’s to celebrate. I was feeling tired, so I said goodnight early and headed back to my place.

  I was just putting on some pajamas when there was a knock at the door. I pulled my shirt over my head and went to answer it, figuring it was Rory.

  “Oh. Hi,” I said, realizing it was Ryder.

  “Hey. Can I come in?”

  I nodded and moved aside, regretting that I wasn’t wearing the clothes I’d just had on. Of course I was wearing PJs with ice cream cones all over them. So mature. So sexy.

  “Nice PJs,” he said with a smile. Damn, I was hoping he wouldn’t notice them. But to be fair, they were rather noticeable.

  “Thanks,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. I wasn’t wearing a bra, and I hadn’t turned up the heat in my apartment since I’d come back.

  “Sooo, what can I do for you?” I said.

  “Just wanted to see how you were doing. Away from prying eyes.” Ah. Right.

  “I’m good. How are you?” Shit, this was weird.

  “Good, good,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets. He definitely wanted to talk to me about something specific, or else he wouldn’t have knocked on my door. I just wanted him to get to the point.

  “Is that all?” I finally said. His eyes had been darting around the room as if he’d never seen it before. Bizarre, considering he’d eaten dinner here a number of times.

  His eyes landed on my face and he took a deep breath.

  “Nothing. It’s nothing.” Whatever he wanted to say, he’d changed his mind. For fuck’s sake.

  “No. You knocked on my door for a reason. Say what you’re going to say.” I almost stomped my foot, but that would have been just too immature, and I was already rocking the cutesy pajamas. “I’m not playing any games with you, Ryder.”

  He thought some more, and then instead of saying something, he took action. He grabbed me and hauled me up against his chest.

  I was so surprised I let out a little squeak as the air left my lungs.

  “I just need to see something,” he said, holding me close.

  I opened my mouth to ask what he meant and he seized the moment, pressing his lips to mine. Well now.

  I’d thought the first time I kissed Ryder it would be like an attack. He seemed like the kind of guy who would shove his tongue down your throat right out of the gate.

  But this was soft. So soft. As if he was treating my lips like they were something fragile that he’d break if he pushed too hard. His hands skimmed my sides and came to rest with one on my neck and one on the side of my face.

  He pulled back just a tiny bit, and I followed him, reaching, bringing him back to me. Ryder definitely liked that. He smiled against my mouth and then broke the kiss. I made a little sound of protest. We were just getting started. I’d only gotten a small taste and now he was taking it away.

  “That’s what I thought,” he said, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against mine.

  “What’s what you thought?” My voice was loud in my ears. Everything was too loud. My voice, my heart, the blood rushing through my body. I almost felt like I was upside down, with all the blood going to my brain. And other places, of course.

  “You.” He let me go and I wobbled a little, trying to keep him close.

  Stepping away, he shook his head. “I can’t. I’m sorry.” He headed out the door and my brain couldn’t get itself working until he was gone.

  What the ever loving fuck?

  I needed to talk to someone about Ryder. Immediately. I half-considered running after him and making him come back, but I needed to figure out how I felt before I asked him what the hell that was.

  First of all, I was confused. He said he didn’t want to be friends with me, and then we were friends. Then he kissed me. Friends usually didn’t kiss each other on the mouth in my experience. Unless we were having a friends-with-benefits thing, and he’d just sort of forgotten to inform me that was what we were doing.

  My head started spinning and I had to go sit down.

  I wanted to call Rory, but then she’d probably want to tell Lucah, and that would cause all hell to break loose. He’d probably see Ryder kissing me as some sort of extreme thing and I didn’t want to make Rory lie anymore.

  Ugh, I needed my best friend. Needed to be able to talk to her about my boy problems.

  So I texted her anyway.

  Can I talk to you about Ryder?

  She didn’t answer, and then I heard footsteps in the hallway and a knock at the door.

  “I figured I should just come over instead of texting,” she said as she walked in.

  “Yeah, good plan.”

  “What’s wrong? You look like you just got hit over the head with a blunt object.” I blinked a few times and shook my head. Kissing Ryder was a bit like getting hit over the head, but in the nicest way.

  My skin was buzzing from the connection to his, and I could still smell him in the air.

  “Well, um, I’m not sure how to say this, but Ryder kissed me. Just knocked on my door, acted all weird, and then kissed me.” I pressed my hands to my lips.

  “Oh. Wow. When did this happen?” She looked around as if Ryder was going to jump out at her from behind the furniture.

  “Just a few minutes ago. He left. I probably should have chased after him. I should have gone after him, right?” I headed for the door, only to realize I didn’t have any shoes on.

  “Whoa, slow your roll,” Rory said, grabbing my arm. “He’s probably gone already. Let’s sit and talk.” She led me over to the couch and sat me down.

  “I have never been this confused by another human being in my life. Just when I think I’ve got him figured out, BAM! He changes lanes and fucks with me.”


  Rory gave me a sympathetic look. “Did he say anything?” she asked.

  “He said he had to see about something. I asked him what and he just said ‘you.’ I mean, what the actual fuck?” My bewilderment was giving way to anger. Who the hell did he think he was? He couldn’t just kiss me whenever he felt like it.

  “Well, call me crazy, but I think he feels the same way about you as you do about him. I mean, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. And I know the way you look at him. Talk about eye fucking.”

  “We do not eye fuck, Ror.”

  She laughed. “Yes you do, my dear. Deny it if you want, but it’s still happening every time you look at each other. He might have toned down his sexual comments, but he can’t hide the way he feels about you. Just like you can’t hide the way you feel about him. You and Ryder are . . . inevitable.” She made it sound like planetary forces had aligned for Ryder and me to be together. Sure, I did believe that some people seemed like they were meant to be together, but a lot of it seemed like wishful thinking. Or romantic mumbo jumbo. I mean, if my life was all planned out for me, then what was the point if things were somehow going to magically happen anyway?

  “You’re nuts. Ryder and I are not inevitable. Having sex with him, maybe. But not the stuff you’re talking about. He’s got a hot bod and makes me laugh. That’s it.” That definitely wasn’t it, but I couldn’t think about the alternative. That I was, in fact, in love with him.

  Because I wasn’t. Nope. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

  Lies, lies, lies.

  Because I was in love with him. Maybe more than I’d ever been before. So much that when I let myself think about it, I couldn’t breathe.

  “I’m not in love with him,” I said again. I wasn’t convincing anyone, least of all myself.

  Rory shook her head at me. “You know, every time you say that, a kitten dies. So you should really stop saying it. Also, because it’s not true.” I really wanted to beat her senseless with a pillow. Or sew her mouth shut at least.

  “I’m not going to stop saying it.” If I said it enough, I might believe it. Probably not, but I was stubborn.

  “Then you’re going to be responsible for a lot of dead kittens. That’s like kittencide. I hope you can live with the choice you’ve made,” she said with a serious expression.

  “I’m good,” I said. I wasn’t in the mood for joking around.

  “Then it’s on your head.” She got up and started poking around in my fridge.

  “What are you doing?” I craned my neck to try and see what she was up to.

  “I think we need something.”

  “Food? Dude, we just ate.” I definitely wasn’t hungry. She slammed the fridge and opened the freezer.

  “Aha!” She dug in the back and pulled out some ice cream I’d forgotten was even in there because it was hidden behind some frozen vegetables. She set that down on the counter and then got some chips, a bag of popcorn, and a few sodas.

  “What is this for?” I asked as she dumped the lot in my lap.

  “For reasons.” She sat back down with me and handed me a spoon.

  “Sounds good to me,” I said, and pulled the lid off the ice cream carton. Rory turned the TV on and magically found a rerun of Project Runway. It was basically my favorite show ever. I’d even considered trying out if I didn’t already have my studio and several investors. Sometimes when I was half-asleep I imagined myself in the work room with Tim Gunn telling me my garment was fabulous. Hey, it could happen.

  Rory and I ate the snacks even though we’d just had dinner. But I hadn’t had dessert, so this counted.

  “Are you going to tell Lucah about the kiss?” She gave me a look as if I’d just announced I was giving up fashion design and was taking up full-time twerking.

  “Probably not. Although, I’d kind of like to see the look on his face if I did. He’s developed this twitch in his eye when he’s stressed and I don’t really want to push him anymore. What is it with the men in my life pushing themselves to the brink?”

  “They say girls go after men that are like their fathers. If that’s true then I should be heading to the local tractor pull or monster truck rally.” True story. My parents had met at a monster truck rally. Talk about a romantic venue.

  “I don’t think that’s true,” she said, and then she thought about it. “Maybe . . .”

  “No! Definitely not. There is no way I’m marrying someone like my dad.” I was trying to keep Ryder out of the marriage discussion.

  “Then who are you going to marry? Have you ever thought that if you married Ryder then we’d be sisters for real?” That hadn’t occurred to me at all. On paper, it sounded perfect.

  “No, I hadn’t thought of that.”

  “But can you imagine how awesome it would be?” She beamed at me as if she was already planning it. Holidays together. Both of us with the last name Blythe.

  Definitely not. I wasn’t changing my name for anyone.

  “Hey, are you going to change your name when you get married?” I was more than happy to talk about Rory’s wedding. I could talk about that all day, every day.

  “Nope. Lucah and I decided that I’ll hyphenate. Clarke-Blythe. It shouldn’t be too hard since they’re both short.” Rory Clarke-Blythe. It had a really nice ring to it.

  “It’s going to be weird though. I mean, I’ve been Rory Clarke my whole life, and then I’m just going to be this whole other person. I’m going to be someone’s wife. Scares the shit out of me when I think about it too hard.”

  I could imagine.

  “Yeah, it is weird. And totally sexist when you think about it. That the woman has to change her name. Like she’s her husband’s property as soon as they say their vows.”

  Rory made a face. “Gross. That’s probably why I don’t want to do a lot of the traditional marriage things. And there will be no unity sand or candles, or any of that nonsense. Honestly, I would elope if it wouldn’t kill my mother.”

  We both laughed.

  “Your mother wouldn’t die if you eloped. She’d just kill you.”

  “Yeah, she would. And she’d be super sneaky about it. I’d never see it coming, and then, bang, I’d be dead.”

  I scraped the bottom of the bag of chips and then crumpled it up.

  “So you’re really not going to say anything?” I asked again.

  “No. It would cause more trouble than it’s worth. I mean, Ryder is a grown man. And I’m trying to stay out of it.”

  “Good plan.” I wish I could do the same, but I was in too deep with Ryder. Every time we were together things got more intense. And now that we’d kissed? Things were going to be different.

  “This sucks,” I said, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch and laying it across myself. Rory and I used to stay up all the time and go to sleep in front of the television.

  “I miss being here with you,” she said, grabbing another blanket for herself.

  “I miss having you here.”

  She groaned. “Why is everything so complicated now? I couldn’t say no when Lucah asked, and I didn’t want to, but now thinking about planning a wedding makes me feel like I’m going to break out in hives or have a panic attack or something. I mean, marriage is huge. I guess I’m just freaking out a little. But that’s normal, right?”

  She turned to me and all I could see was the pre-wedding panic in her eyes. Poor thing. She was going to get through it fine, but it was going to be a bumpy ride along the way.

  “You’re going to be fine. Just fine,” I said. “And if not, I’ll drug you and drag you down the aisle.”

  “And that’s why I adore you, Sloane Harris.”

  I’d made up my mind that I couldn’t let myself go all night without saying something to Ryder. So after Rory left, I grabbed my cell phone and called him. He didn’t pick up. Bastard. So I left a message when his voice ended.

  “Listen, you asshole. You can’t just kiss me and leave. That is not cool at all. You’ve jerked me around enou
gh, Ryder. So, we either talk about what the hell is going on and make an actual decision, or I’m done. I know this means things with Rory and Lucah will be hard, especially because of the wedding, but so be it. I can’t let you do this to me anymore. I just can’t. You fuck with my head, Ryder. I wish it wasn’t that way, but you do. You have this effect on me, and I can’t help it or stop it or change it. I’m not declaring my feelings or anything. I’m just saying how it is. You have exactly twenty-four hours to get your shit together and talk to me. If you don’t, I’ll take that as you saying you’re done as well, and that will be it. I’ll be cordial to you at dinner and that’s all. We won’t even be friends. Goodbye.” I purposely enunciated the last word, so he would really get the point that I was damn serious.

  “Fuck you,” I said to the phone after I’d hung up. I probably should have added that to the message, but I wasn’t going to call him again.

  Satisfied with what I’d said, I headed to bed.

  Leaving the message for Ryder somehow cleared my mind enough so I could sleep. I’d done all I could do, and the ball was in his court. What happened now was up to him. I was done getting jerked around. So fucking over it.

  The first thing I did when I got up was check my phone for any messages. Nothing. He had the rest of the day and tonight to get back to me. He’d said he had to work tonight, so he wouldn’t be coming to dinner, which I was happy about. I definitely didn’t want to have a knock-down-drag-out fight with him in front of Rory and his brother.

  I got ready for work, but kept checking the phone to make sure the ringer was turned on and there weren’t any messages. Nothing.

  “How are you?” Inari asked as she handed me my morning coffee. I’d already had two cups at home, but I needed more. Maybe I had a caffeine addiction. Meh, it was better than being addicted to cocaine.

  I told Inari about Ryder and the kiss, and she listened intently.

  “That’s crazy. So he just kissed you?”

  “Yup. I mean, I’ve seen the guy naked, but we’d never kissed before. Which is really weird when you think about it,” I said. Ryder and I were definitely doing things backwards.