Dark Surrendering

  “Was it good?” she asked, sipping her organic green tea. Inari didn’t drink coffee.

  “I mean, it lasted like two seconds, but yeah. It was good. He’s got like really full lips.” Mmmm.

  Inari sighed. “I’m trying not to be jealous, even though he’s not my type at all. It’s been so long since someone kissed me like that.”

  “Um, Inari, aren’t you married?” She gave me a “duh” look.

  “Exactly. I’m married. We’ve used up all our passionate kisses.”

  “That sucks. Already?” She’d only been married for two years.

  She shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s still nice, and I still love him. It’s just not all fireworks and intensity anymore. It’s familiar and safe. But I still miss the early days. Man, there were times we didn’t even leave the house or put clothes on.” She gazed off into the distance and smiled.

  “Just wait,” she said, patting me on the arm with an air of superiority, even though she was younger than me.

  “Wait for what?”

  “You’ll see,” she said, and took her tea back to her work station.

  I checked my phone obsessively throughout the day. No call from Ryder. Either he was being a little shit and was going to wait until the last minute, he’d already decided and his silence spoke for itself, or something had happened.

  Rory called during her lunch break to see if I’d heard from him.

  “No, and I left him a message after you left, basically giving him an ultimatum. If he doesn’t call me within twenty-four hours of the voicemail, then that means we’re going to be acquaintances. I don’t know what that’s going to mean for dinners, but it means there will be no more kissing, no more spending time together, nothing. The end.”

  “Wow, Sloane. That’s intense.”

  “Well, drastic times call for drastic measures. I can’t do this anymore. He fucks with my emotions worse than PMS.”

  She laughed. “Yeah, I know all about that. Well, let me know if he calls and what the verdict is,” she said, and then covered the phone to say something to her assistant.

  “Okay, I’ll let you know. Bye.”

  Five o’clock arrived with no word. I packed up for the day and let everyone go early again. I know I said that it wasn’t going to be a common occurrence, but this was twice in two weeks I’d done it. I was getting soft. Had to kick my game back up or else they were all going to slack off again. Besides, I had a new round of intern interviews next week, and I wanted everyone else on their best behavior.

  I stopped and bought some groceries on the way home and started making dinner right away. To keep my mind busy, I was making stuffed chicken, dressing, gravy, mashed potatoes, rolls, and cranberry tarts for dessert. Guess I was in a holiday mood.

  The food prep consumed me until my phone went off. I nearly sliced off my finger in my rush to get to it.

  It wasn’t Ryder. Just a random 800 number that was probably trying to scam me. I ignored it and set the phone down. If I hadn’t heard from Ryder by eight, I was going to ask Lucah if he’d heard from him. Just to make absolutely sure.

  It just seemed so unlikely that he’d kiss me like that and then overnight decide we were done. Maybe I was a bad kisser? But he had smiled at the end.

  Someone knocked on the door, and I wondered if it was him. I turned the stove down so the gravy wouldn’t boil over and went to look through the peephole.

  Rory.

  I opened the door and let her in.

  “Anything?” she said as she walked in.

  “Nope.” I went to pour her a glass of wine.

  “Huh, that’s weird.”

  “Has Lucah heard from him today? I mean, there is a small chance that his phone died, or was stolen, or something happened to him, God forbid.”

  She nodded. “No. I asked him and he said he hadn’t. Of course, then he was suspicious and I had to make something up. I seriously don’t know how he lied to me about his identity for as long as he did. But I think it’s harder to lie to someone when you’re in love with them. I mean, unless it’s about a present, or something like that.” She leaned on the counter and took the pins out of her hair, shaking it out.

  “Rough day?”

  “Getting better, I guess. Word has gotten out about the engagement. My mom has been calling all day bugging me about getting engagement portraits taken so they can do a formal announcement in the paper. Oh, and she’s already set up a wedding website for me.”

  “Really?”

  She nodded and sipped her wine. “Yup. All the pictures on there of me are at least a few years old and there aren’t any of Lucah. It’s pretty ridiculous.”

  I didn’t tell her that I’d love to have a mother that was that involved and supportive of my wedding. Even if I decided to get married, my mom probably wouldn’t even show up. If I invited her at all. Oh well, I didn’t have to think about weddings. I wasn’t getting married.

  “Crazy,” I said, making sure the chicken was doing okay in the oven. Rory talked about her weekend with Lucah. They were going to head to his brother Tate’s house and celebrate the engagement, and then go upstate and stay at a cute bed and breakfast. Super romantic.

  Lucah arrived, once again looking like he’d been through the ringer.

  “Baby, you have to slow down,” Rory said, leaning against him. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I mean it. I won’t let you have a heart attack when you’re thirty-five.” She pulled his face forward and kissed the dimple in his chin.

  “I will,” he said. Not at all convincing.

  “What if I said that I wouldn’t have sex with you until you stop working yourself to death?” Rory said with a gleam in her eye. Oh, she was good. Shutting the doors on the love factory was the easiest way to get what she wanted. Was it manipulative? Yup. But all was fair in love and war.

  “You wouldn’t,” he said, narrowing his eyes. She did the same, and they stared at each other.

  “Damn right I would.” The stare down finally ended. Lucah blinked first.

  “Okay, okay. But what qualifies as slowing down? Who decides if I’m going . . . slow enough?”

  “Me,” she said. “When you no longer look like you haven’t slept in weeks, and when you don’t fall asleep the second we get into bed, and when you don’t wake up every morning moaning and groaning. When you’re back to the Lucah I first met. Full of sexual innuendo and dirty talk, and ready for anything.”

  “Soooo, I’m not that guy anymore?”

  “No, that’s not what I meant. You still are, but you’re tired. I just want you to be healthy and live, okay? Is that too much to ask?” She was starting to get upset like she used to do before she met Lucah. He’d toned down some of her crazy, but every now and then she would revert to old habits. Lucah also sensed that she was getting ready to ramp herself up, so he put his arms around her and held her close.

  “You don’t need to do that. I promise I’ll slow down.” She pulled back from him so she could look into his eyes. I wished I wasn’t here right now. I felt like an intruder. I busied myself with the food while they had a moment.

  “We’re done now,” Rory announced as I looked up from the oven.

  “Okay,” I said. “Good to know. Dinner will be ready in ten.”

  “Nice,” Rory said. “We’ll set the table. She grabbed Lucah’s hand and used him to help her get the plates down from the cabinets. One of his greatest qualities as a boyfriend was his height. I was sure he had many other assets, but that was a big one.

  I didn’t speak much during dinner because I was watching the clock and waiting for something to happen. It was nearly eight when I broke down and asked Lucah if he’d heard at all from Ryder that day.

  “No, I haven’t. We used to talk every day, but I’m trying to give him some space. Apparently, I’ve been hovering a bit too much.” He chuckled. “I guess I can’t help it. He was such a wreck when we lost our mom and dad that I think I’ll always treat him like he’s a kid.
” He sounded like a parent.

  “Yeah, you were doing a really good helicopter impression,” Rory said, and Lucah started making whirring noises that were probably supposed to represent a helicopter. I would have found it funny if I wasn’t worried. Sure, he might not have called back because he wanted to end things. Or, he might be bleeding in a ditch somewhere. I had to know.

  I pulled out my phone and sent him a text.

  If you’re okay, text me back. I just need to know that your phone is working.

  I sent the message and waited.

  “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” Rory said, jerking her head toward my bedroom.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  “Everything okay?” Lucah said.

  “Yup, just girl stuff,” Rory said. “Periods and tampons and cramps.”

  Lucah gave her a look that said he didn’t believe her.

  “My God, I don’t have to tell you everything, Mr. Blythe,” Rory said and he backed off, putting his hands up.

  “So? Anything?” she asked after I shut the door. Lucah busied himself with the dishes.

  “No. I just sent him a text to make sure he was okay. All he has to do is text back and that will be it.” I stared down at my phone and waited.

  Nothing.

  “Maybe he’s busy?” Rory said, but things were starting to look not so good. If he was anyone else, I would have said he might have lost his phone. But Ryder was unpredictable. And he’d just gotten sober.

  “I have to go check on him if he doesn’t answer. I just have this feeling that something’s not right.” I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t consider myself clairvoyant in the least, but there was something in the back of my head that sent up a red flag. A warning.

  “Well, let’s just wait and see if he answers. If he doesn’t, then maybe Lucah can text him. I think we need to tell him you’re concerned. He might be mad, but it’s better to know sooner if Ryder is in trouble and needs help.” Rory joining in my concerns just made me start to freak out even more. Waves of hot and cold panic rushed through my body. I didn’t even care about the stupid ultimatum.

  “I’m sure he’s fine,” Rory said, remembering that she should probably try and reassure me. Usually I was the one doing that in our relationship.

  “I’m sure he is. I’m probably making something out of nothing.” Deep down, I knew I wasn’t. Something was wrong.

  Lucah and Rory went back to their apartment, and I waited. And waited. And waited. When ten o’clock rolled around, I headed down the hall and knocked on the door. Lucah answered.

  “So, I had a little chat with your brother last night, and I gave him an ultimatum. I told him to call me and we’d sort things out, or come see me, but he hasn’t. I texted him earlier and he hasn’t answered back. I’m sure it’s nothing, but could you please text him and ask him if he’s okay?” I didn’t tell him about the kiss, and I didn’t tell him about my feelings of doom.

  His eyebrows drew together and he got a serious look on his face. He didn’t tell me I was just imagining things.

  “Yeah, come on in,” he said, and held the door open.

  Rory was there with a cup of chamomile tea. She always gave me tea when there was a tense situation. As a result, I now associated tea with tense situations.

  Lucah sent a message and then followed it up with a phone call. We all waited as the other line rang.

  Nothing. Ryder’s voicemail clicked on and Lucah left a message.

  “Ryder, this is Lucah. Please call me back. Thanks.” His voice was commanding, and I could feel the tension in the room starting to ramp up.

  Lucah watched the phone in his hand as if it were going to magically morph into Ryder.

  “If he doesn’t call back in an hour, I’m going to his place,” Lucah said, setting the phone on the counter.

  “I’m going with you,” I said.

  Lucah shook his head. “No, that’s okay. I can deal with this. God, I thought we were done with his drama.” He dragged his hand through his hair, and Rory gave him a hug.

  “It’s going to be fine,” she said, and started making more tea. We soon had enough of it to satisfy all of the UK. Rory didn’t really know what to do in a crisis, but I loved her anyway.

  The hour while we waited was tense. I just kept chugging tea, knowing it was only going to make me pee. Rory paced, as she always did when she was stressed, and Lucah stayed still, staring at his phone.

  “That’s it,” he said at 11:05. He grabbed his coat and Rory got hers, despite his protests.

  “We’re all going with you. If this is bad, then you’re going to need backup,” she said, and he didn’t argue. Instead of walking down the street to the garage where Rory and Lucah kept their cars, we took a cab since it was faster.

  It was quite a drive to Ryder’s place, and I wondered how he was able to walk back and forth all the time.

  The cab eventually stopped but felt like it took forever. I was one of the first out of the car. It had started to rain, but I ignored the water.

  “Which apartment?” I asked Lucah as we stared up at the disgusting excuse for a building. Not only did it look like it was a moment away from falling down, it was also dirty. The steps were falling apart and the front door had several shades of peeling paint.

  “This is it?” I asked.

  “Yeah. He wouldn’t let me give him any money to get a better place. This was all he could afford.” I would have given him money if he would have taken it, but Ryder was too proud and too stubborn. Must be that red hair.

  The door was wide open and there wasn’t even an intercom. Lucah led us up a set of dark and rickety steps that creaked. I set my feet tentatively so I didn’t fall through the rotting wood. There was also a weird smell that all shitty apartments had. This one was especially bad. Someone on the first floor definitely smoked a lot of weed.

  Ryder was on the third floor, and Lucah banged on the door. No one answered.

  “Ryder?!” He banged again, and Rory tried to unlock the door with the keys Lucah had gotten from Ryder when he’d first moved in. The door swung open, and there was a strange guy standing on the other side.

  “Heeeyyyyyy,” he said, looking at the three of us. “Can I help you?”

  “Where’s my brother?” Lucah asked, pushing past the guy. He stumbled and was clearly stoned or on something, or both.

  “Whoa, chill man. Let’s calm down for a minute.” Lucah barreled through the small apartment, which was really only three rooms. He found Ryder passed out in the bedroom.

  “Someone call 911,” he said, his voice eerily calm.

  Lucah started slapping Ryder’s face to get him to wake up, but it didn’t work. Rory ended up calling the paramedics as I helped Lucah drag Ryder into the shower and turned the cold water on.

  Nothing was working. Ryder was still breathing, but he was unconscious. The guy who’d let us in hovered in the bathroom doorway as if the proceedings bored him.

  “What did you do to him?” I screamed.

  “Whoa, ease up,” he said, his voice slow and drawling. I wanted to smash his fucking head into the wall.

  I’d known there was something wrong.

  “How much longer?” Lucah asked as he took Ryder’s pulse again.

  “I don’t know,” Rory said as she handed Lucah towels to wipe Ryder off. His skin was a scary pale that I’d seen before when he was in the hospital.

  I listened as hard as I could for the sirens. After what felt like years, I heard them in the distance.

  “Why don’t you go and meet them downstairs?” Lucah said to Rory, and she ran out of the room.

  “I knew this was going to happen,” Lucah muttered as he lay with Ryder on the bathroom floor¸ his clothes and hair soaked from the shower. I wasn’t going to let myself cry or break down. I didn’t know what to think. A part of me believed that this was some sort of dream, that it wasn’t really happening. Couldn’t be happening.

  The paramedics stormed in, and I was force
d to move aside to let them by. What happened next was a lot of yelling and people and noise and chaos. Lucah told them about Ryder, and they asked what he’d taken.

  “I don’t know!” The guy who’d been there had vanished, the fucker, so we couldn’t ask him. A few of the EMTs went through the apartment and found a bottle of pills and some pot.

  Ryder still wasn’t conscious when they loaded him onto a stretcher and carried him down three flights of stairs. They only had room for one in the ambulance, and obviously that was going to be Lucah.

  “We’ll meet you there,” Rory said, giving him a quick kiss before he dove into the back of the ambulance, and they shut the doors on us.

  “I knew it,” I said. I couldn’t shake my feeling of unreality.

  Rory hailed a cab and told him she’d tip him a hundred extra if he could get us to the hospital as fast as possible. We were headed back to Mass Gen.

  “This feels a little bit like déjà vu, doesn’t it?” Rory said. I’d tried to forget that moment when she called me and told me Ryder was in the hospital. There were a few moments in my life that stood out as the worst, and that was one of them. I’d been convinced I was going to lose him that night.

  I hadn’t, but here we were again.

  “Yeah,” I said, my knees jiggling up and down as I willed the cab to drive faster.

  “What is taking so long?” I asked, looking through the windshield. Damn. Mother fucking traffic. Didn’t they understand this was an emergency? If I could, I’d grow wings and fly.

  Rory took my hand and gave me something to hold on to. Something to ground me. I realized this was indeed happening and it was not good.

  “He can’t die, Rory. He can’t die.” I teetered on the edge of hysterics.

  “He’s not going to die,” she said, even though she couldn’t know that. What if he went into a coma and didn’t wake up? It could happen.

  “What if it’s because of me?” I said, my voice low so the cabbie couldn’t hear, even though he had no idea what the situation was.