The Magic Pudding

Mayor, 'in the haste of departure, I forgot tobring the Riot Act, so there's nothing else for it; you must have allthe honour and glory of quelling it.'

  'The trouble is,' said the Constable, 'that there are far too manyrioters. One would have been quite sufficient. If there had been onlyone small undersized rioter, I should have quelled him with the utmostseverity.'

  'Constable,' said the Mayor, sternly, 'in the name of His Majesty theKing, I call on you to arrest these rioters without delay.'

  'Look here,' said Bill, 'you're labourin' under an error. This ain't ariot at all. This is merely two puddin'-thieves gettin' a hidin' fortryin' to steal our Puddin'.'

  'Puddin'-thieves!' exclaimed the Mayor. 'Don't tell me thatpuddin'-thieves have come to Tooraloo.'

  'It staggers me with pain and grief, I can't believe it's true, That we should have a puddin'-thief Or two in Tooraloo.

  'It is enough to make one dumb And very pale in hue To know that puddin'-thieves should come To sacred Tooraloo.

  'The Law's just anger must appear. Ho! seize these scoundrels who Pollute the moral atmosphere Of rural Tooraloo.'

  'We protest against these cruel words,' said the Possum. 'We have beenassaulted and battered and snout-bended by ruffians of the worstdescription.'

  'How can Your Worship say such things,' said the Wombat, 'and usa-wearin' bell-toppers before your very eyes.'

  'If you've been assaulted and battered,' said the Mayor, 'we shall haveto arrest the assaulters and batterers, as well.'

  'What's fair to one is fair to all,' said the Constable. 'You'll admitthat, of course?' he added to Bill.

  'I admit nothin' of the sort,' said Bill. 'If you want to arrestanybody, do your duty and arrest these here puddin'-snatchers.

  'If you're an officer of the Law, A constant felon-catcher, Then do not hesitate before A common puddin'-snatcher.'

  'We call on you to arrest these assaulters and batterers of peoplewearing top-hats,' said the puddin'-thieves;

  'Our innocence let all attest, We prove it by our hatter; It is your duty to arrest Not those in top-hats of the best But those who top-hats batter.'

  'It's very clear that somebody has to be arrested,' said the Mayor. 'Ican't be put to the trouble of wearing my robes of office in publicwithout somebody having to pay for it. I don't care whether you arrestthe top-hat batterers, or the battered top-hatters; all I say is, doyour duty, whatever happens--

  'So somebody, no matter who, You must arrest or rue it; As I'm the Mayor of Tooraloo, And you've the painful job to do, I call on you to do it.'

  'Very well,' said the Constable, peevishly, 'as I've got to take all theresponsibility, I'll settle the matter by arresting the Puddin'. As faras I can see, he's the ringleader in this disturbance.'

  'You're a carrot-nosed poltroon,' said the Puddin' loudly. 'As for theMayor, he's a sausage-shaped porous plaster,' and he gave him a sharppinch in the leg.

  'What a ferocious Puddin',' said the Mayor, turning as pale as a turnip.'Officer, do your duty and arrest this dangerous felon before heperpetrates further sacrilegious acts.'

  'That's all very well, you know,' said the Constable, turning as pale astripe; 'but he might nip me.'

  'I can't help that,' cried the Mayor, angrily. 'At all costs I must beprotected from danger. Do your duty and arrest this felon with yourhat.'

  The Constable looked round, gasped, and summoning all his courage,scooped up the Puddin' in his hat.

  'My word,' he said, breathlessly, 'but that was a narrow squeak. Iexpected every moment to be my last.'

  'Now we breathe more freely,' said the Mayor, and led the way to theTooraloo Court House.

  'If this isn't too bad,' said Bill, furiously. 'Here we've had all theworry and trouble of fightin' puddin'-thieves night and day, and, on topof it all, here's this Tooralooral tadpole of a Mayor shovin' his noseinto the business and arrestin' our Puddin' without rhyme or reason.'

  As they had arrived at the Court House at that moment, Bill was forcedto smother his resentment for the time being. There was nobody in Courtexcept the Judge and the Usher, who were seated on the bench having aquiet game of cards over a bottle of port.

  'Order in the Court,' shouted the Usher, as they all came crowding in;and the Judge, seeing the Constable carrying the Puddin' in his hat,said severely:

  'This won't do, you know; it's Contempt of Court, bringing your lunchhere.'

  'An' it please you, My Lord,' said the Constable hurriedly, 'this herePuddin' has been arrested for pinching the Mayor.'

  'As a consequence of which, I see you've pinched the Puddin',' said theJudge facetiously. 'Dear me, what spirits I am in to-day, to be sure!'

  'The felon has an aroma most dangerously suggestive of beef gravy,' saidthe Usher, solemnly.

  'Beef gravy?' said the Judge. 'Now, it seems to me that the aroma ismuch more subtly suggestive of steak and kidney.'

  'Garnished, I think, with onions,' said the Usher.

  'In order to settle this knotty point, just hand the felon up here amoment,' said the Judge. 'I don't suppose you've got a knife about you?'he asked.

  'I've got a paper-knife,' said the Usher; and, the Puddin' having beenhanded up to the bench, the Judge and the Usher cut a slice each, andhad another glass of port.

  Bill was naturally enraged at seeing total strangers eatingPuddin'-owners' private property, and he called out loudly:

  'Common justice and the lawful rights of Puddin'-owners.'

  'Silence in the Court while the Judge is eating,' shouted the Usher; andthe Judge said severely--

  'I really think you ought To see I'm taking food, So, Silence in the Court! (I'm also taking port), If you intrude, in manner rude, A lesson you'll be taught.'

  'An' it please Your Lordship,' said the Mayor, pointing to Bill, 'thisperson is a brutal assaulter of people wearing top-hats.'

  'No insults,' said Bill, and he gave the Mayor a slap in the face.

  The Mayor went as pale as cheese, and the Usher called out: 'Noface-slapping while the judge is dining!' and the Judge said, angrily--

  'It's really far from nice, As you ought to be aware, While I am chewing a slice, To have you slapping the Mayor. If I have to complain of you again I'll commit you in a trice, You'd better take my advice; Don't let me warn you twice.'

  'All very well for you to talk,' said Bill, scornfully, 'sittin' upthere eatin' our Puddin'. I'm a respectable Puddin'-owner, an' I callson you to hand over that Puddin' under threat of an action-at-law forwrongful imprisonment, trespass, and illegally using the same.'

  'Personal remarks to the Judge are not allowed,' shouted the Usher, andthe Judge said solemnly--

  'A Judge must be respected, A Judge you mustn't knock, Or else you'll be detected And shoved into the dock. You'll get a nasty shock When gaolers turn the lock. In prison cell you'll give a yell To hear the hangman knock.'

  Here, the Usher took off his coat, as the day was warm, and hung it onthe back of his chair. He then rapped on the bench and said--

  'In the name of the Law I must request Less noise while we're having a well-earned rest, For the Judge and the Usher never must shirk

  A well-earned rest in the middle of work. It's the duty of both they are well aware To preserve their precious lives with care; It's their duty, when feeling overwrought, To preserve their lives with Puddin' and Port.'

  He sat down and tossed off a bumper of port to prove his words. 'Yourdeal, I think,' said the Judge, and they went on sipping and munchingand dealing out cards. At this, Bill gave way to despair.

  'What on earth's to be done?' he asked. 'Here's these legal ferrets hasgot our Puddin' in their clutches, and here's us, spellbound withanguish, watchin' them wolfin' it. Here's a situation as would wringgroans from the breast of a boiled onion.'

  'Why, it's worse than droppin' soverins down a drain,' said Sam.

  'It's worse than catchin' your whiskers in th
e mangle,' said