The Magic Pudding

Bill.

  By a fortunate chance, at this moment the Possum happened to put hissnout within Bill's reach, and Bill hit it a swinging clout to relievehis feelings.

  'It's unlawful,' shouted the Possum, 'to hit a man's snout unexpectedlywhen he isn't engaged puddin'-stealing.'

  'Observe the rules,' said the Wombat solemnly. 'Be kind to snouts whennot engaged in theft.'

  'If it hadn't been for you two tryin' to steal our Puddin' all thistrouble wouldn't have happened,' said Bill.

  'It's the Mayor's fault for bringing us all here,' cried the Possum,angrily. 'If you was a just man, you'd clout him on the snout, too.'

  'The Mayor's to blame,' said the Wombat. 'What about the whole lot of ussettin' on to him?'

  At this suggestion the Mayor trembled so violently that his hat felloff.

  'What dreadful words are these?' he asked, and the Constable saidhurriedly, 'Never set on to the Mayor while the local Constable ispresent. Let that be your golden rule.'

  'That's all very well,' said Bill, 'but if you two hadn't comeinterferin' at the wrong moment, our Puddin' wouldn't have beenarrested, and all this trouble wouldn't have happened. As you'reresponsible, the question now is, What are you going to do about it?'

  'My advice is,' said the Constable, impressively, 'resign yourselves toFate.'

  'My advice,' said the Mayor in a low voice, 'is general expressions ofesteem and friendship, hand-shaking all round, inquiries after eachother's health, chatty remarks about the weather, the price of potatoes,and how well the onions are looking.'

  Bill treated these suggestions with scorn. 'If any man in the companyhas better advice to offer, let him stand forth,' said he.

  Bunyip Bluegum stood forth. 'My advice,' he said, 'is this: try the casewithout the Judge; or, in other words, assume the legal functions ofthis defaulting personage in the bag-wig who is at present engaged indistending himself illegally with our Puddin'. For mark how runs theaxiom--

  'If you've a case without a Judge, It's clear your case will never budge; But if a Judge you have to face, The chances are you'll lose your case. To win your case, and save your pelf, Why, try the blooming case yourself!'

  'As usual, our friend here solves the problem in a few well-chosenwords,' said Bill, and preparations were made at once for trying thecase. After a sharp struggle, in which it was found necessary to bendthe Possum's snout severely in order to make him listen to reason, thepuddin'-thieves were forced into the dock. Their top-hats andfrock-coats were taken away, for fear the jury might take them forundertakers, and not scoundrels. The Mayor and the Constable were pushedinto the jury box to perform the duties of twelve good men and true, andthe others took seats about the Court as witnesses for the prosecution.

  There was some delay before the proceedings began, for Bill said,'Here's me, the Crown Prosecutor, without a wig. This'll never do.'Fortunately, a wig was found in the Judge's private room, and Bill putit on with great satisfaction.

  'I'm afraid this is unconstitutional,' said the Mayor to the Constable.

  'It is unconstitutional,' said the Constable; 'but it's better thangetting a punch on the snout.'

  The Mayor turned so pale at this that the Constable had to thrust abanana into his mouth to restore his courage.

  'Thank you,' said the Mayor, peevishly; 'but, on the whole, I prefer tobe restored with peeled bananas.'

  'Order in the jury box,' said Bill, sharply, and the Mayor havinghurriedly bolted his banana, peel and all, proceedings commenced.

  'Gentlemen of the Jury,' said Bill, 'the case before you is oneaboundin' in horror and amazement. Persons of the lowest morals hasdisguised themselves in pot-hats in order to decoy a Puddin' of tenderyears from his lawful guardians. It is related in the archives of theNoble Order of Puddin'-owners that previous to this dastardly attempt avaluable bag, the property of Sir Benjimen Brandysnap, had been stolenand the said Puddin'-owners invited to look at a present inside it. Thesaid bag was then pulled over their heads, compelling the Puddin'-ownersaforesaid to endure agonies of partial suffocation, let alone walkin' oneach other's corns for several hours. Had not Sir Benjimen, the nobleowner, appeared like a guardian angel and undone the bag, it is doubtfulif Sir Samuel Sawnoff's corns could have stood the strain much longer,his groans bein' such as would have brought tears to the eyes of ahard-boiled egg.'

  'A very moving story,' said the Constable, and the Mayor was so affectedthat the Constable had to stuff a banana into his mouth to prevent himbursting into tears.

  'I now propose to call Sir Benjimen Brandysnap as first witness for theprosecution,' said Bill. 'Kindly step into the witness-box, SirBenjimen, and relate the circumstances ensuin' on your bag bein' stole.'

  Benjimen stepped into the box, and, taking a piece of paper from his eggbasket, said solemnly: 'I was very busy that morning, Gentlemen of theJury, owing to the activity of the vegetables, as hereunder described--

  'On Tuesday morn, as it happened by chance, The parsnips stormed in a rage, Because the young carrots were singing like parrots On top of the onions' cage.

  'The radishes swarmed on the angry air Around with the bumble bees, While the brussels-sprouts were pulling the snouts Of all the young French peas.

  'The artichokes bounded up and down On top of the pumpkins' heads, And the cabbage was dancing the highland fling All over the onion beds.

  'So I hadn't much time, as Your Honour perceives, For watching the habits of puddin'-thieves.'

  'Tut, tut, Sir Benjimen,' said Bill, 'stir up your memory, sir; castyour eye over them felons in the dock, and tell the Court how you seenthem steal the bag.'

  'The fact is,' said Benjimen, after studying the puddin'-thievescarefully, 'as they had their backs turned to me when they were engagedin stealing the bag, I should be able to judge better if they wereturned round.'

  'Officer,' said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum, 'kindly turn the felons' backsto the witness.'

  The Possum and the Wombat objected, saying there wasn't room enough inthe witness-box to turn round, so it was found necessary to twist theirsnouts the opposite way.

  'From this aspect,' said Ben, 'I have no hesitation in saying that thoseare the backs that stole the bags.'

  'Make a note of that, Gentlemen of the Jury,' said Bill, and theConstable obligingly made a note of it on his banana bag.

  'The identity of the bag-stealers bein' now settled,' went on Bill, 'Ishall kindly ask Sir Benjimen to step down, and call on Sir SamuelSawnoff to ascend the witness-box.'

  Sam stepped up cheerfully, but, as the witness-box was the wrong sizefor Penguins, they had to hand him a chair to stand on.

  'Now, Sir Samuel,' said Bill, impressively, 'I am about to ask you amost important leadin' question. Do you happen to notice such a thingas a Puddin' in the precinks of the Court?'

  Sam shaded his eyes with his flapper and, seeing the Puddin' on thebench, started back dramatically.

  'Do my eyes deceive me, or is yon object a Puddin'?' he cried.

  'Well acted,' said the Mayor, and the Constable clapped loudly.

  'I am now about to ask you another leadin' question,' said Bill. 'Do yourecognize that Puddin'?'

  'Do I recognize that Puddin'?' cried Sam in thrilling tones. 'ThatPuddin', sir, is dearer to me than an Uncle. That Puddin', sir, an' mehas registered vows of eternal friendship and esteem.

  'That Puddin', sir, an' me have sailed the seas, Known tropic suns, and braved the Arctic breeze, We've heard on Popocatepetl's peak The savage Tom-Tom sharpenin' of his beak, We've served the dreadful Jim-Jam up on toast, When shipwrecked off the Coromandel coast, And when we heard the frightful Bim-Bam rave, Have plunged beneath the Salonican wave. We've delved for Bulbuls' eggs on coral strands, And chased the Pompeydon in distant lands. That Puddin', sir, and me, has, back to back, Withstood the fearful Rumty Tums' attack, And swum the Indian Ocean for our lives, Pursued by Oysters, armed with oyster knives. Let me but say, e'er these adventures cloy, I've knowed that P
uddin' since he were a boy.'

  'All lies,' sang out the Puddin', looking over the rim of his basin.'For well you know that you and old Bill Barnacle collared me off Curryand Rice after rolling him off