Frolic of His Own

  And sure enough, there on the split page of the morning’s paper flamed the black robed effigy of the craggy Federal judge who, like the sharp edges and jagged peaks of the controversial steel sculpture Cyclone Seven, had become a lightning rod for the passions of this once sleepy community, erupting last night in a virtual replay of an earlier melee which left seventy-two injured and extensive property damage in its wake. Among the dozen arrests that evening, that of Billy Pinks, thirty-two, an unemployed auto body worker charged with assault was later reduced to statutory rape on his plea that the ‘provocative message on her T shirt got his juices going’ and the admission by the twelve-year-old victim that she had deceitfully led him to believe she was fourteen. Mr Pinks was sentenced to thirty days probation and an apology to the victim identified only as Millie K, minor. The latest disturbance centered about an outdoor pork barbeque rally for U.S. Senator Orney Bilk, who is visiting the area on a campaign swing for the first time since he left his boyhood home in nearby Stinking Creek to enlist in the army following the end of hostilities in Southeast Asia. After graduating from army cooking school he was placed in charge of a field oven unit at Fort Bragg, N.C. Senator Bilk’s interest in politics was kindled by the conviction on bribery charges involving unorthodox liquor procurement of an uncle whose place he later filled in the state legislature.

  Known for his strong stand on states’ rights in Congress, Senator Bilk took vehement exception to a decision by Judge Crease reversing a verdict by a local jury as undue interference by the Federal judiciary and called for his impeachment. Talking with the press later in the evening when the bourbon had been flowing freely, the Senator cited as an article of impeachment the possibility of a strain of madness running in the Judge’s family, an allegation which has gained credence with the Civil War spectacle The Blood in the Red White and Blue, which is said to be based on the life of his father who later served as associate justice on the U.S. Supreme Court with Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes until his death at the age of ninety-seven. Through his law clerk Judge Crease dismissed the charges as ‘foolish fabulation.’ His son Oswald, a wealthy recluse living alone on a family estate on Long Island who wrote the original script for the spectacularly successful motion picture and, in an announcement made by the studio late yesterday has lost his multimillion dollar lawsuit against its producers, could not be reached for comment. Speaking on condition that he not be identified, Village official J Harret Ruth, who introduced Senator Bilk at the rally and who makes no secret of his own political ambitions, said my God. Harry?

  —In the shower.

  —In the paper, this perfectly asinine story about that circus going on down there in Father’s courtroom, carrying him around in a flaming effigy, talk about madness in the family and all kinds of nonsense. Can they get away with that?

  —What? He’d emerged in the folds of a towel. —With what.

  —This story in the paper, they’ve got everything possible wrong. There are laws aren’t there?

  —Have to prove malice. Can’t make laws against plain sloppiness can you? He’d commenced the towel in a vigorous rubdown, —against stupidity?

  —Well my God, impeaching a Federal judge by saying his whole family’s crazy? Isn’t that malice?

  —Have to prove it Christina, get into a case like that you end up like the tar baby, open up all kinds of cans of . . .

  —And his son Oswald, a wealthy recluse who wrote the original script for The Blood in the Red White and I just hope to heaven Oscar doesn’t see this he’ll explode, that he’s lost his million dollar lawsuit against them?

  —It says that? The towel stopped, draped from a shoulder. —What does it say.

  —That’s what it says, in an announcement by the studio late yesterday that he’s lost his multimillion dollar lawsuit against the producers right here, look.

  —Well they, no, no it’s true.

  —What do you mean it’s true! His son Oswald, they got everything else wrong didn’t they? that he wrote the original script for the . . .

  —No it’s, it’s true Christina, only thing they got right. Decision came down late yesterday, he lost.

  —Well he, I mean you knew this? I mean my God Harry you knew this and haven’t told me?

  —I came in late last night and . . .

  —Why didn’t you tell me!

  —I’m telling you! What should I have done, waked you up when I came in so we both could have had a sleepless night? Look . . .

  —A sleepless night! and poor, we’ll have plenty of those I’d better call him, poor Oscar God knows what he’ll, does he know yet? Give me the phone, I . . .

  —Now just wait, Christina. Wait! Look, there’s no hurry. If he’d seen it, if he’d seen this thing in the paper he would have called. He’ll call the instant he sees it won’t he?

  —I’d better go out there. And the money, he’ll be frantic.

  —I told him he could lose didn’t I? right at the start? In a lawsuit somebody loses, I told him it would cost money didn’t I? that he should have taken their settlement? We both told him he should have taken their . . .

  —Well he didn’t! If you knew he’d lose why did you, how did you know it, that he’d lost.

  —I didn’t say I knew he’d lose Christina, I said he could, that he could lose, you never know which way a judge will go, and this one, this woman? No track record at all, a real wild card one of the first cases she’s tried no telling which way she’d go. I had to stop in at the office to get some notes transcribed when I got back last night and there’s your friend Trish waltzing down the hall with Mudpye steering her toward the door, I think she’d had a few and out comes Bill Peyton. She was all over him, she . . .

  —I’m not talking about her I’m talking about Oscar! And, and will you stop standing there dangling like that, will you . . .

  —You don’t usually mind do you? If you’ll just . . .

  —Well I do now! Will you . . .

  —Will you listen? He got the towel around him, a foot up on the bed rubbing down his calf, —Peyton with his hand on Mudpye’s shoulder congratulating him, he’d just heard the decision on Oscar’s case patting Mudpye on the back and the insufferable little bastard preening like a damn bantam rooster and when I, who are you calling.

  —And it’s not just these thousands of dollars he owes your friend Sam and the mess he’s in with these medical bills and that idiot lawyer Lily got for him suing himself for his, hello? Oscar? Yes how are you, I didn’t wake you did I, are you . . . No I just thought I’d call, are you . . . Well take some aspirin then, it looks like a lovely day I thought I might come out if you . . . Nothing no, no of course if you don’t want company I . . . No I just wondered, you haven’t seen this morning’s paper have you? It’s . . . no nothing, a garbled story about . . . what? Oh . . . No, no but call me if anything . . . no, goodbye. Well. He hasn’t seen the paper yet, he’s got it drying out in the oven.

  —Kind of puts me in a spot doesn’t it, he’ll probably blame me for the whole . . .

  —Well my God Harry you are in a spot, you sent him to Lepidus, Shea & God knows who didn’t you? up against your own fancy blue ribbon white shoe outfit? What did you expect.

  —Where should I have sent him, some other white shoe Cravath? Davis Polk? string it out for another ten years like the case I’m on where the money really gets going? More depositions, more transcripts, pretrial conferences, coaching your expert witnesses at three or four hundred an hour and sorting out your trial strategy, accountants, overhead, talking about years and hundreds of thousands look, Christina. In the first place I didn’t know that Kiester’d come to Swyne & Dour. Whole question of venue, a case like this you have to sue in the district where the defendant resides, for Kiester that’s the Central District of California, if Oscar couldn’t travel and it was just going to amount to taking a couple of depositions and an oral argument on one motion his lawyers could have flown in from California and taken care of it but Kiester got in under
the studio’s umbrella because they were named in Oscar’s suit too and Swyne & Dour’s their outside counsel in New York so that’s where Basie served his summons and complaint and fell right into the trap Mudpye laid for him, what the little bastard was preening himself about there with Bill Peyton. I didn’t know anything about it, I didn’t even . . .

  —Well why didn’t you! What trap, what do you . . .

  —You know damn well Christina, because I’ve been up to my eyes there, I haven’t seen the judge’s opinion it just came down, that’s all I know.

  —Can’t you call your friend Sam and find out what in God’s name is going on? if they plan to appeal? Oscar can’t reach him, he can’t reach Mister Basie they don’t return his calls, will you? call him now so we can tell Oscar what they . . .

  —In the first place Christina, you don’t just walk in and file an appeal because you don’t like the verdict, have to sit down and study the opinion to see if there’s grounds to appeal on. It takes time, and money. Time and more money, what if they do dig up grounds for an appeal, there were grounds for the suit in the first place weren’t there? and he lost? See him lose on appeal and you’ll have to pick up the pieces. Just put it behind him, swallow hard and cut his losses, drop the whole thing. Now wait, wait, before you call him again . . .

  —I’m not calling him Harry I’m, hello? Yes, this is Mrs Lutz, will you bring our car around? The, no the dark green Jaguar, can you have it at the door in about ten minutes? I think I’d better go out there Harry, the sooner the better, any minute now he’ll see that story in the paper and call in a frenzy, you can just tell him I’m on my way and if you want to be useful will you call them? Sam or Mister Basie or anybody, tell them to call him out there. They told him he could win on an appeal and that’s the first thing he’ll ask.

  —They, who. Who told him, Christina. Wait . . .

  —Basie, Mister Basie did, I’ve got to hurry. The last time we saw him, is there gas in the car?

  —But wait, that’s not what you, Oscar must have misunderstood him that’s not the way you . . .

  —I was there Harry! Lose the decision we’ll take them on appeal Basie said. Now will you call them while I dress?

  —But that’s not, you go in to win you don’t plan to lose so you can win on appeal look, there’s something I’ve got to talk to you about before you . . .

  —We went all over that with him Harry, that’s what I, my God there he is now, he’s seen the paper will you answer it? just tell him I’ve left?

  —But wait, there’s something I, hello? Who? No you’ve got a wrong number, it’s . . . I said the wrong number! He banged it down, —it’ll ring again, one of those insistent idiots who gets a wrong number and sits right down and dials it again look, I, before you go something I have to talk to you about before you . . .

  —Well come with me then! You don’t have to go in today do you?

  —Have to be in court first thing in the morning but . . .

  —Well get on some clothes, you can tell me in the car, now . . .

  —There, didn’t I tell you? He grabbed up the phone, —I told you you had the wrong, what? Oh, Oscar? Yes . . . yes I know it, we . . . yes we’ve seen it, we . . . but . . . yes but . . . Oscar? Look, we’re coming out, we . . . out there yes, we’re leaving right now, we . . . when we get there, go over the whole thing when we . . . Yes I know it said Oswald, but don’t . . . Right now no, she can’t come to the phone she’s dressing, she . . . I said she’s getting dressed Oscar . . .

  —Oscar?

  —Tell her to hurry!

  —Oscar?

  —And don’t talk to me when I’m on the phone! Here, hang it up.

  —I just wanted to say do you want to eat?

  —To eat what!

  —Eggs? you want me to make eggs?

  —You can’t make eggs.

  —I can so. I can make them boiled, or scrambled, or . . .

  —Listen Lily you can’t make eggs. Chickens make eggs, ducks make eggs, those swans on the pond out there make eggs but you don’t make eggs. You cook eggs, you prepare eggs. You don’t make eggs.

  —Oh Oscar. You always make everything so complicated, all I meant was . . .

  —Isn’t that what language is for? to say what you mean? That’s why man invented language, isn’t it? so we can say what we mean?

  —What man. Anyway I’m not talking about language I’m talking about eggs, you knew what I meant. Do you want me to prepare you some eggs?

  —No.

  —I thought that’s why you wanted me to come over because you were alone, to help you out. Who was that old man.

  —Who was what old man.

  —This old man walking around the room when I drove in before.

  —There was no old man walking around the . . .

  —I saw him through the windows Oscar, just for a second when I looked up, he was sort of stooped and slow right here walking across the room, by the time I got out of the car and came in he was gone.

  —Oh. Oh. That, oh yes I forgot I, must have been old Mister, Mister Boatwright yes he’s the, he’s our plumber he’s quite old yes, been with the house as long as I can remember.

  —You better get a new one pretty soon, he didn’t look like he could hardly make it across the room.

  —Well he’s, an old house like this he knows every pipe in the house he’s replaced most of them, get some new young plumber in here it would take him a year to figure things out and have to start all over again.

  —I think you better start all over again pretty soon before the whole place falls down like that porch out there.

  —They’ll be after it next, a wealthy recluse living on a family estate on Long Island when they see that! He had the torn page of newsprint he’d held crushed in his hand up trying to smooth it against a quivering knee, —Oswald! His son Oswald who wrote the original script for the spectacularly successful no wonder he’s furious, that fool law clerk of his takes him to see this vulgar misleading twisted deformed perverted distortion of my, exploiting my grandfather, exploiting his father exploiting the family exploiting the whole Civil War and he thinks I wrote what he’s seeing up there on the screen where is it, this madness in the, here, as an article of impeachment the possibility of a strain of madness running in the Judge’s family which has gained credence with the, credence! No wonder he’s furious, just the word, impeachment just the word. Impeachment! Madness, all right but a man whose whole life is the law, who’s lived and breathed the law for his whole, for almost a century a century! It would kill him they, look at them look at it! He spread up the flaming effigy IMPEACH frozen there in print before the flames caught it —as an article of impeachment the strain of . . .