Frolic of His Own

  —You just read me that, you’ve read me all of it ten times Oscar it’s all just . . .

  —What! all just what!

  —Just, Oswald? You want me to call you Oswald?

  —If I, Lily if I could reach you to hit you I’d . . .

  —It’s the same thing! but she stepped away nonetheless, —this wealthy excuse living on this big fancy estate they got everything wrong didn’t they? this Oswald that wrote this big movie is that you? where he just lost this big lawsuit that’s not you is it? so they pretend they know everything because nobody knows anything?

  —Basie knows, this lawyer Mister Basie he must know but there’s something wrong somewhere. I can’t get him on the phone they don’t call me back I know it, I know there’s something terribly wrong I’ve known it since the, you remember that black actor? the one we saw on television who was in the movie when he talked about being in prison? that he learned to act when he was in prison and . . .

  —The telephone, you . . .

  —Well answer it! If it’s this collection agency tell them . . .

  —Hello? It’s who?

  —Say I went to California.

  —It’s The People Magazine.

  —No. Tell them . . .

  —Hello? He went to California . . . No he didn’t leave a num . . .

  —Just hang up! Listen, if it rings again if it’s Basie let me have it, or these other lawyers the ones with my accident case I . . .

  —They called already Oscar.

  —When! Why didn’t you . . .

  —Just now, when you were in the bathroom. I forgot.

  —They’re supposed to stop this collection agency from calling me in the middle of the night, that bill for seventy five hundred dollars for suing myself he ought to be shot.

  —That’s what Daddy said too but Reverend Bobby Joe said that could get him in real trouble, because Daddy already gave him this money to sue the insurance company and make them pay up on Bobbie’s car where Reverend Bobby Joe said it was all this grand design of the Lord where Daddy could take this big insurance settlement and cleanse it by putting it in the Lord’s service? Only now they won’t pay it because they said Daddy’s responsible because he gave Bobbie the money for the car where they found this empty sixpack in the wreck when tragedy struck so Daddy has to sue this dealer who sold Bobbie the car because he already failed his learner’s permit three times so he didn’t even have a driving license and they never should have sold him the car in the first place. So now Daddy and Reverend Bobby Joe they’re both of them mad at me because it’s my fault I brought down this lawyer that took money from Daddy to help him out when the only reason he did it with me in the first place in his car and at Disney World and these water beds all over the place he thought he was going to get in on all this money I’d have from Daddy now that Bobbie was gone when we reconciliated and he’s up there right now spreading my girlfriend from long lines on his desk unzipping his big . . .

  —Wait, no wait he was, that was before, you did it with him in his car before Bobbie’s accident because of that stupid dream you . . .

  —I don’t care! I said I want to get revenge and don’t call me stupid either, you said you’d help me didn’t you? If we could do something to his car that would be funny, so he could have an accident like Bobbie wouldn’t that be funny? Did you see that old movie where she thinks Cary Grant did something to the brakes so she’ll go over the cliff? Only this time . . .

  —Funny? getting run over by a car do you think I . . .

  —Or I read someplace where they put this rattlesnake in this man’s mailbox so that when he reached in . . .

  —No! No this is all . . .

  —Then you think of something! You just sit around here all day reading and watching the television where all everybody does is kill each other and you still didn’t think of something?

  —Wait what time is it. My nature program, what time is it.

  —I don’t know! I didn’t come over here to watch some smelly animals and funny looking fish Oscar, can’t you even talk to me?

  —I, I can’t no, I can’t talk to anyone I can’t think I can’t even, everything’s just spinning around I just want to get my mind off the whole, off all of it for a minute.

  —Do you want me to . . .

  —No, no don’t. Later.

  —I’m hungry she said, straightening up as the screen came dispiritedly to life on a visit to a lackluster member of the Cistaceae or rockrose family, Helianthemum dumosum, more familiarly known in its long suffering neighborhood as bushy frostweed for its talent at surviving the trampling by various hoofed eventoed closecropping stock of the suborder Ruminantia, to silently spread and widen its habitat at its neighbors’ expense like some herbal version of Gresham’s law in Darwinian dress demonstrating no more, as his head nodded and his breath fell and the crush of newsprint dropped to the floor, the tug at his lips in the troubled wince of a smile might have signaled no more than or, better perhaps the very heart of some drowned ceremony of innocence now the worst were filled with passionate intensity where —we share something then don’t we, no small thing either —That’s good to know, demonstrating simply the survival of the fittest embracing here in bushy frostweed no more than those fittest to survive not necessarily, not by any means, by any manner of speaking, the best, so that when at last the outer doors clattered open, clattered closed and down the hall with —My God, he’s sound asleep! it was upon some lowlife in the bogs from the sundew family, Droseraceae to their betters, busy here supplementing their nitrogen spare diets in this gloomy habitat with insects captured on their leaves so purposefully endowed with sticky glands or hairs.

  —I’m not asleep!

  —Or had one of those seizures you talk about, how are you Oscar. Blow your little horn will you? I really need a cup of tea.

  —It’s broken, the rubber bulb’s worn out and . . .

  —Well then call her. Ilse? Where is she. Use!

  —She’s in the Bronx Christina, her sister has a cataract and . . .

  —And whose old car is that out there, don’t things look shabby enough around here? She picked up the torn streamer of the paper with a glance at the flaming effigy there before she crushed it again, —disgraceful. It’s all simply disgraceful.

  —Listen I’ve got to talk to you I, where’s Harry I thought he was coming out with you.

  —He’s getting my sweater from the car, the house is cold as a tomb. And will you turn that thing off!

  —Turn it up then, turn up the heat listen, there’s something terribly wrong Christina. In the paper there, did you see it? where it says I lost this lawsuit against the . . .

  —Why do you think we broke our necks getting out here, of course we saw it. He’s got some rather upsetting news.

  —Well so have I! Something that was on television, I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. I tried to tell you about it on the phone and you wouldn’t listen, I’ve been trying to reach Basie day after day and I can’t get him they ask me to leave my number they have my number don’t they? Nobody calls me back they don’t even, Harry? Harry listen. There’s something wrong.

  —Rotten luck Oscar. The chance you take though isn’t it, we said at the start you can always lose a lawsuit didn’t we, even when you’re right you can’t always . . .

  —Yes well maybe, it barely mentioned that in passing they got everything else wrong didn’t they? No there’s something terribly wrong I know it, I . . .

  —Afraid not no, the one damn thing they got right, we said you probably should have . . .

  —That’s not what I mean, I . . .

  —Harry will you simply tell him what’s happened?

  —Said you probably should have taken their settlement didn’t we . . .

  —Well he didn’t Harry! Now will you . . .

  —Will you listen to me both of you! Listen. This actor named Button something, this black actor who plays the head house slave in the movie he was on
television, I just happened to see him being interviewed on television he’d been in prison, that’s where he discovered acting, where he learned to act in some acting therapy workshop they had acting out their hostilities and the more he talked. The more he talked about how he discovered himself there, best thing that ever happened to him he said how he’d found his true vocation, acting, The Emperor Jones they did The Emperor Jones and when he heard the applause and then he talked about another prisoner who was kind of a jailhouse lawyer told him if you’re black in America you’re always playing a part, just find the right one so you don’t end up taking your bows in a cell block in there for something that would curl your hair and I’ve kept thinking of Basie, he showed me a scar once from his collarbone right down to the groin when they had these drinks in the Beverly Wilshire? this old buddy from back in his little theatre days? And that just sounds like him, being black in America you’re always playing a part that just sounds like Basie, like something he’d say and, yes she saw it too. Lily? You remember the . . .

  —No go ahead Oscar, I didn’t mean to bother you, I was just in the kitchen making something Mrs Lutz. Can I get you anything?

  —I’d be eternally grateful for a cup of tea Lily, now . . .

  —Hard as hell to second guess a judge Oscar, a wild card like this one no track record it’s practically impossible to . . .

  —It’s not that no, no it’s just this feeling something’s terribly wrong about the whole . . .

  —Well there is Oscar! There is something terribly wrong my God Harry if you won’t tell him I will! Our friend Mister Basie’s a fraud Oscar, he never went to law school he lied on his bar exam and every place else and he’s going right back to prison where he came from!

  —But, but he, but . . .

  —That’s why you haven’t heard from him, going on about his little theatre days his little theatre was the Federal prison where his buddy found his true vocation as the Emperor Jones while he sat in the prison library looking for ways to get them all out, finding his own true vocation buying drinks for his cellmates with your money in the . . .

  —No but how could, how do you know!

  —Harry just told me in the car driving out here, he . . .

  —But he, Harry? is it true? What she just said is it true?

  —Not, no, no not what she . . .

  —Well what is then!

  —He didn’t lie on his bar exam Oscar, took the New York bars and passed on his second try but he’d falsified his application, falsified the document affirming he had a degree from an approved law school, he may have altered some inadmissible correspondence school diploma in the same state where the prison was and falsified the affidavits they require attesting to his good moral character all adds up to a Class A misdemeanor, a fine or a year in prison and they revoke his license to . . .

  —To what! What about me why didn’t you tell me! If you knew all this Harry why didn’t you tell me!

  —Haven’t known it that long Oscar, look. If you’d won there’d be no problem over whether you’d been represented by a properly accredited attorney or not so why give you a few sleepless nights making the wrong move by dismissing him and throwing away your chances before we heard the decision, just seemed for your own good to wait and . . .

  —But, for my own good! what do you . . .

  —Look, once you’d turned down their settlement offer there was no place to go, a judge like this one with no track record so your remedies the way it stands now, if you’ve got any remedies they’ll just spring from the fact that you lost.

  —Well my God Harry he did lose, that’s why we’re sitting here! Sleepless nights, what do you mean if he’s got any remedies of course he’s got remedies, a new trial he can certainly get a new trial.

  —Have to check it out Christina, a civil case like this one. If it was a criminal case and his lawyer hadn’t been admitted to practice there’d be grounds to have a conviction vacated but of course there you’ve got a lot more protection under the Constitution than you do in a . . .

  —Well he’s not a criminal! If there’s a criminal it’s, where is he. Mister Basie, where is he.

  —He’ll turn up sooner or later, back in county jail or someplace else, a man like that can’t stay out of trouble. He’ll turn up.

  —Why should he turn up if nobody turns him up, what about your friend Sam. Aren’t they after him?

  —Don’t know what he’ll decide to do Christina. If Basie was a partner at Lepidus, Shea they could sue to make him sell his partnership share if they could lay their hands on him, in fact under the disciplinary rules they’d have to but just an associate they put on the case that’s not their, not up to them it’s the State, up to the State to chase him down if they want to bother. Take the volume of cases we handle or Lepidus, Shea for that matter, the size of our staffs there’s always the chance of a slip somewhere, try to help out these minorities give them a leg up you get some smooth laid back ex-con like Basie slips through the cracks just a stroke of luck that we . . .

  —Of whose luck! Oscar’s? My God Harry I’ve never heard such, help out these minorities I’ve never heard such a ridiculous, what is it now Lily?

  —I’m sorry but, I can’t find any tea bags I looked all over and . . .

  —Of course you can’t find any tea bags, you’re not making one cup are you? for three of us? There’s loose tea in a square yellow tin that says tea on it you make a pot of tea not a cup, you want tea don’t you Harry?

  —I think I want a drink.

  —I should think you might! Pour yourself one and sit down, just stop walking back and forth you’re not in a courtroom Harry I’ve never heard such nonsense from you in my life. From you Harry! Swyne & Dour and your friend Sam trying to give these minorities a leg up like your little bastard Mister Mudpye? Out of two, three hundred lawyers you’ve got there every one of them white? male? and you need a black face or two in the window before some antidiscrimination law wakes up and hands out a good stiff fine in the only language they speak up there, money? Put a pair of white shoes on Mister Basie make him a partner your friend Bill Peyton would think the place looked like a minstrel show and you can stand there with a straight face and, will you sit down! I feel like I’m talking to a . . .

  —Look Christina, a place like Swyne & Dour you’re not even proposed as a lateral partner unless you’re bringing along a million and a half or two in billings with you, I’ve told you that. You think Basie or any of them’s got that kind of a client base? Never been a black partner the whole time I’ve been there, never even more than two black associates at once and they didn’t last long either, did I ever say it wasn’t about money? You want to live in a place like Massapequa and drive around in a broken down Japanese, look at Oscar. Why do you think I referred him to Lepidus, Shea, smaller firm no white shoe trying to keep his costs down because Sam would try to give him a break on rates and . . .

  —Keep his, my God have you seen the bills they where is it, that blue folder Oscar where is it. Keep his costs down, they’ve charged him for everything here but paperclips. Long distance calls, telecopier, deposition transcripts, photocopying thirty cents a page? They must have done the whole Britannica, car rentals, travel that’s our friend Mister Basie off to California, Mister Basie buying drinks for the house at the Beverly Wilshire they all could have flown to the moon, you call this giving him a break?

  —I said on the rates Christina, those are costs, I said the hourly rates.

  —Mister Basie sitting here with his clock running showing me pictures of the hairy Ainu?

  —Not exactly what I, what I’m talking about rates Christina, we’d price somebody at Mudpye’s level out at one eighty six an hour, Basie’s probably priced around a hundred, maybe less, two or three hours of conferences for his client to explain the situation, a couple of hours of reading whatever’s relevant and a couple more preliminary legal research, another conference you’re up to a thousand before he’s even taken the case, then h
e drafts the Complaint. Twenty hours research, four hours to write it and we’re up to thirty five hundred and you’ve barely started. Kiester’s brief comes in filing for dismissal and the heavy research time comes in, maybe forty more hours preparing Oscar’s cross motion for summary judgment. Depositions, discovery documents if Kiester handed them all over, if he didn’t more conferences, more briefs, deposing your witnesses probably count on at least ten hours of preparation for every hour of actual deposition time and an important deponent like Kiester himself figure his deposition lasts ten hours so there’s a hundred and ten billable hours right there and you’re still pretty early into the pretrial stage when things begin to get really expensive . . .

  —Harry?

  —Trial strategy and preparing your witnesses, the whole . . .

  —Why in the name of God are you telling us all this.

  —Just trying to explain how these things can mount up, even a fairly simple case like this one you take the case I’m on multiply every figure by a hundred, a thousand, I told you it would run into money didn’t I? right at the start? If he’d won . . .

  —He lost! He didn’t win Harry he lost! my God how many times do we have to . . .

  —Win or lose Christina, I told you at the start you begin running up bills the minute you . . .

  —You don’t think he’s going to pay them do you?

  —What?

  —I said, by any remote stretch of the imagination you can’t think that Oscar or anyone in his right mind would even faintly consider paying these idiotic bills for one instant, can you?

  —Just telling you they put in a lot of time and work on the case Christina, take a look back there at Oscar’s deposition I think Basie did a pretty damn good job for the . . .

  —For a fraud, so the State can put him away for a year, what about your friend Sam. How long can they put him away for, he knew about it before the decision didn’t he? You knew didn’t you? didn’t you call him?

  —Look I’ve been out of town, it still might have been just a rumour and I’ve been so damn busy with the . . .