Off Course

  I pop the button on his jeans and lower the zipper. Slowly, ever so slowly... I drag the denim down to his thighs. Giving him a knowing look, I sink to my knees and take him in my hand, reveling at how quickly he goes hard. He sucks his breath in and both hands now frame my face, his thumbs smoothing over my cheeks. I sneak a peek up at him and the look he is giving me is one of wonder and strain.

  "In all my life," he whispers, "I'll never forget the way you look right now. You devastate my senses."

  My hand that's gripped around him starts shaking just a tiny bit, knowing the power that I hold in this moment. It's not a power that I want to wield over him. It's a power I want to share. I want to make him understand how much he affects me.

  Leaning forward, I give a tiny lick over the head of him, drawing a guttural sound out. I do it again and he rewards me with the same. Then I take him in my mouth, astonished at how hot his silken skin is against my tongue...the insides of my mouth.

  He murmurs cailin alainn as I move against him, those words never sounding dull coming off his lips, fueling me on...wanting to hear him shout my name when it's all said and done.

  After just a few moments of licking and sucking, his hands now tightly gripped in my hair, he does... and it is beautiful to me.

  ***

  We're waiting at the bar area that flanks The Hibernian's stage. OTE should be starting soon and I'm so excited to see Cillian perform again. Over the last few weeks, I've had the pleasure of hearing him sing frequently. Sometimes it's in the shower, or sometimes he'll even hum a melody to me as I'm falling asleep. Once, he even started singing while we were walking down the street and I swear that I could just listen to his voice all day, every day. But to put that voice and his sex appeal on stage... I'm just hoping I don't openly start drooling once they start their performance.

  "Damn, Renner. You look hot in that outfit," Teagan says as she takes a sip of her wine.

  It makes me intensely embarrassed that I'm not wearing any underwear but I'll have to admit, the overall look is hot. At least, Cillian seemed to think it was. The dark, denim miniskirt wraps just under my ass and I have to be careful not to bend over or else everyone will get a treat. I paired it with a gauzy blue blouse and a black camisole underneath. Teagan insisted I wear a pair of her brown leather boots that have me teetering. I'll have to go easy on the alcohol or else I'll be in danger of falling over and showing everyone what is for Cillian's eyes only.

  "So how are things going between you and Cillian?" Cady asks.

  I try to think of the words to describe the way things are going, but I'm overwhelmed with so many thoughts.

  "Ah," she says, as if she just found the Holy Grail. "No need to say anything. It's written all over your face." Said face immediately flushes like I've been busted by my mom smoking weed or something.

  Teagan leans forward to look at me closely. "What? What's written on her face? I missed it."

  Cady laughs and points at me. "Our girl has it bad for a certain Irish rock star we all know and adore."

  I take a small sip of my Smithwick's. "I don't have it bad."

  When they both look at me skeptically, I amend, "Well... not that bad."

  "What's not bad?" Cillian says from behind me, as he wraps his arms around my waist and lays his chin on my shoulder. It's the first public display of affection he's shown in front of our mutual friends and the warm satisfaction of it feels so right.

  "Nothing," I say hastily, afraid Teagan will rat me out. I know Cady wouldn't do it, but Teagan would so try to embarrass me with Cillian. "Aren't you getting ready to go on or something?"

  "You got a minute?" He doesn't wait for my answer, but pulls me away from the table, flashing a grin at Cady and Teagan.

  I follow him from the back area and he starts leading me toward the storeroom. I pull back against his hand. "No way. I'm not going in there with you, you perv."

  He laughs and spins around on me. "I just wanted a little privacy to tell you something, but here's as good a place as any."

  He leans back against the wall, spreading his legs just a little. Then he pulls me in close, resting his hands on my hips. "Did you think I was going to take you in there and have my way with you?"

  "Yes," I tell him honestly, and truth be told, I sort of wanted him to push the issue just a bit.

  He leans forward and gives me a soft kiss. "I'd be lying if I didn't tell you I can't think of anything else but the fact that you're not wearing any underwear right now. Just the thought of what I could do to you in about two minutes..." His words are like an undertow in the ocean, threatening to pull me under... to drown me.

  My voice is shaky. "What did you want to tell me?"

  Cillian sticks his nose under my ear and rubs me there. Then he murmurs, "I just wanted you to know that all I can think about, whether you're wearing panties or not, is that I'm the guy that gets to go home with you tonight. I really just want to hurry up and get through this so I can be alone with you."

  Oh, Cillian.

  Every time he speaks to me, every sentiment that comes from his heart...it's like I find myself submersing into the warm depths of his soul. He is so different from what I had actually expected he'd be, and it seems I'm constantly marveling over the connection that is growing.

  His words affect me so deeply that there's a tiny part of me that wants to burst into tears of gratitude. To ensure that doesn't happen, I try to lighten the moment so I don't break down and confess all my sappy feelings to him. "Well, hurry up and get your ass on that stage. The sooner you sing, the sooner you can have your way with me."

  "It will never be soon enough," he says. Then he gives me a quick kiss, nipping my bottom lip, and he's gone.

  ***

  Watching Cillian on stage is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Sure...I'd seen him perform once, all those years ago when I was looking at him through a seventeen-year-old girl's eyes. And although I'd Googled him every so often, I've never seen a performance of his since that time.

  Now... it's different. He's matured, become sexier. His voice is different as well. He moves more confidently, a man that knows what it's like to perform and please others.

  When the band starts out with Between You and Me, which was the song that went to the top of the Irish charts, the crowd goes wild. It's standing room only and Keefe has been fretting that he's going to run out of beer and booze before the night is over. Luckily, the crowd is at least controlled as tonight is a private performance by invitation only.

  I stand at the front of the stage with Cady and Teagan, the three of us rocking out to the music. If I thought he melted my panties five years ago, he would surely cause them to incinerate right now... if I was wearing any, that is. The way he holds the microphone, his wrist tattoos flashing every so often. Or the way he will lick his lips in between lines, a move I'm sure helps to keep them moist, but I'm sure every woman sees as a sexual innuendo.

  Time and again, Cillian's eyes find mine. Sometimes he quirks his lips at me. Once he even stares at the miniskirt I'm wearing and I know exactly what he's thinking, because the lyrics are completely suggestive and gets me hot thinking about him.

  When we're alone

  I see nothing else

  Feel nothing else

  Lost in your eyes

  Lost in your thighs

  Pulse pounding, rainbow-tinged skies

  Song after song, I start to have a new appreciation for Cillian's talent. Some songs, his voice is soft, smooth, hypnotic. Other songs are tense, dark, and his voice is harsh and abrasive, making the song ring with carnality. He has it all... the looks, the voice, the moves... and my chest swells a little knowing that he is indeed going home with me.

  The only dampener to the performance is Maeve. In the rare moments my eyes leave Cillian, I catch Maeve glaring at me a few times. During some of the songs, they stand back to back and she rubs suggestively against him. My common sense says it's showmanship, nothing more, but once she looks down at me an
d gives me a sly smile. As if she knew where my thoughts were going.

  I shake it off, trusting in Cillian. Trusting that he will handle Maeve in the best way possible. I never try to forget that she has problems I can't comprehend. It's not my place to judge her actions.

  ***

  After the show, the band spends a lot of time doing a meet and greet with their fans and signing autographs. Cady, Teagan, and I are in the front bar area where we grabbed a big table, having another drink while we wait for them.

  "They sounded great tonight," Cady says. "I've missed watching them."

  "Did you ever go see them when they were on tour?" I ask.

  "Yeah. Teagan and I caught a few shows. Remember that one in Tonsberg, Norway we went to last year?"

  Teagan laughs. "Oh, yeah. Cillian and Maeve got so hammered after the show, they were like speaking another language or something. I swear it was Russian, which neither one of them speaks, but they kept saying some of the same words over and over so half the time it sounded realistic."

  They both launch into memories of that trip but acid burns in my chest. Was that at the time when Maeve and Cillian were together? Is that how they spent their free time together? Getting drunk? Probably screwing like rabbits?

  I can't help my jealous reaction. I know that was in the past, and I know Cillian is with me now. At least, I think he is. I mean, we haven't uttered formal words of commitment, but we spend all of our free time together, so this feels like a relationship.

  But then a small measure of doubt creeps in. Really, how long will this last? Cillian will start traveling again; he'll probably be working long hours when they get back in the studio to record. Will there be room for me then? And really... can I be a part of that lifestyle? While I like to go out on occasion and tie one on, I'm really not a hard partier. I never have been. To me, a great night is sitting in front of a TV and watching an old movie or something.

  I'm starting to feel a lameness that hadn't occurred to me before, and I'm suddenly wondering what do Cillian and I have in common? Other than great sex, nothing comes readily to mind and that bums me out in a major way.

  Cady and Teagan don't seem to have noticed that I've dropped out of the conversation. They eventually start talking about Teagan's latest sex-capades and I try to follow along. I nurse at my wine but my stomach is turning with my morose thoughts.

  Eventually, Cillian and the band make their way to us. When they get to our table, Cillian introduces me to Daniel and Maeve. I put on my best smile, saying hello. Cillian takes the seat next to me, and it causes my stomach to churn when Maeve takes the one next to him. It takes all of two seconds for Sean to order rounds of Tullemore for everyone to pound, but I decline and so does Cillian. I note that he doesn't seem to be too happy that Sean is openly pouring alcohol down everyone's throats with Maeve so recently out of her failed attempt at rehab.

  Cillian sits next to me and keeps his arm around my back, his thumb grazing my shoulder every now and then. But he's in his element... with his band, and their laughter and jokes don't include me. Maeve seems to be on good behavior and I'm impressed she's dutifully drinking a bottle of water. The entire conversation consists of stories of their times together on tour, or parties they went to after, or crazy fan happenings. It's like another world to me.

  Partly to take a break, and partly because I really have to pee, I stand from the table, excusing myself for the restroom. When I finish my business and come out from the stall, I'm surprised to see Maeve standing at the sink. Her hip is resting against it and she's casually picking at her nails when I open the door to step out.

  I blink once at her and offer a smile. "Hey, Maeve."

  She doesn't return it and the intense stare she gives me creeps me out a bit. I have a feeling that I've just entered judgment day.

  "I don't like you," she starts without preamble. "You're not good for Cillian."

  Shocked wouldn't even being to describe my feeling. I sort of expected her to be distant, maybe a bit rude given the circumstances of our first run in at Cillian's apartment. I never in a million years thought she would come right out with something so vile.

  "I don't know what to say to that," I tell her quietly.

  "You don't have to say anything. It wasn't meant to invite conversation. I'm surprised I'm even wasting my time with you, but you need to know that I'm not giving Cillian up. You might be on his radar right now, but when it's all said and done, you don't fit into his world. I do. And I always will. We have history together that you could never even hope to understand. And you certainly can't compete with it."

  Okay, now I'm getting pissed. It's one thing for me to have these doubts, but it's another for me to let her try to sabotage my relationship with Cillian. I won't roll over that easy.

  Still, it's with a calm voice that I tell her, "Look, Maeve. I don't know what your major malfunction is, and I don't really care. Your issues are your own and don't have a damn thing to do with me. Let's just agree not to like each other and be done with it."

  She surprises me with a laugh, when I half expected her to smack me. "Fair enough. But I play dirty, little girl. Oh, and if you're thinking to tell Cillian about this little exchange, I wouldn't if I were you. There's nothing he hates more than to see two women bickering over him. That will cause him to turn tail and run quickly."

  She turns to leave the bathroom, but then pauses, glancing back at me. "But then again, go ahead and tell him. It'll pave the way a lot faster for me to move back in."

  I stand at the sink for a moment, washing my hands over and over again. The adrenaline rush I felt over her words starts to ebb and all of a sudden, I just feel tired.

  When I make my way back to the table, I burn with anger seeing that Maeve has her chair pulled close to Cillian's, although I get a small measure of satisfaction that he seems to be ignoring her. Bending down near his ear opposite of Maeve, I whisper, "I'm kind of tired. I think I'm going to head home."

  He looks disappointed as I'd expected and stands from the table, pulling me off to the side. "Are you sure? I was kind of hoping we could just hang with the band for a bit tonight."

  "I'm sorry. I just have a bit of a headache and think I need a good night's sleep. But, please... stay and hang with your friends. I want you to."

  He looks unsure as he glances back at the table, the lot of them laughing uproariously. "I don't want you walking home by yourself."

  "Cillian," I say with exasperation. "I was walking myself home each night without you. I think I can manage."

  "Yeah, but that was before you had me to worry about you." His words warm me but then I'm brought back to reality when he says, "How about you promise me to take a cab and then I won't have to worry?"

  I give him a smile and I hope my eyes are warm enough so he doesn't see that I have a cold pit in my stomach. So much for being the one he wants to go home with tonight. "Sure. No problem."

  I lean up to give him a quick kiss, hoping he'll make it linger. He doesn't. He accepts the swift meeting of lips and lets me say goodbye to the rest of the table. My stomach burns hotter over the look of triumph Maeve gives me as she says goodbye.

  CHAPTER 18

  Cillian

  Renner is gone for all of two seconds when I realize I miss her terribly. I had thought an evening hanging with my best mates was what I wanted, but her absence is oppressive. It only takes me another two minutes to make my goodbyes and I'm heading out the door. I smile to myself seeing Sean's knowing look, all the while Maeve's look of disappointment causes my stomach to churn.

  When I reach her apartment door, I have a stitch in my side from running. Why I didn't drive my car is beyond me, but I wasn't really thinking. I just naturally took the route that she and I had walked together so many times. Except this time I ran.

  She opens the door and her eyes are wide with surprise. She's already ditched the sexy miniskirt outfit and has on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Her hair is pulled up, her face freshly washed and
she's actually holding her toothbrush in her hand, a glob of toothpaste on it.

  "What are you doing here?"

  I step inside and close the door behind me. "I missed you."

  "I've been gone for less than ten minutes," she says, skepticism written all over her face. I don't like that she would doubt me.

  "It was ten minutes too long," I tell her as I grab the bottom of her t-shirt and pull her toward me.

  When this girl became so important to me, I have no clue. But she makes me feel things I've never felt before. While I tried to teach her how to lose control every once in a while, the truth is... I'm the one without it anymore.

  She sighs. "Cillian, I'm tired and I'm just going to go to sleep. You should head back and hang out with everyone."

  Okay, this is not going according to my plan. I thought she would be happy to see me here. I envisioned her falling into my arms and then me making furious love to her... preferably bent over the couch this time. Instead, she acts like she doesn't want me here.

  "What's going on with you, Renner?"

  "Nothing," she says as she pulls out of my grasp and heads back to the bathroom. I follow her in there and watch as she turns on the water to brush her teeth. I lean against the doorframe, my arms crossed over my chest.

  After she finishes and pats her mouth dry on a towel, she turns to face me but keeps her eyes on the floor.

  I put my hand under her chin and tip her face up. Something is really bothering her and I don't like to see her sad. "Spill it, Renner. What's wrong?"

  She gives me a tremulous smile and my heart nearly breaks over the quiver in her bottom lip. "I don't know. Nothing. Maybe everything."

  I bring my hands up to cup her face, my eyes sympathetic. "Tell me what it is, and I'll fix it."

  She brings her hands up and they clasp at my wrists. She takes a deep breath. "I'm just wondering... where this is going? Do you and I really even have anything in common other than the fact we like to fuck each other?"

  Those words make me wince, because I can see how she thinks that. Every time I'm around her, I don't make any secret of how much I want her. But that's not all there is to us, surely. I mean, when she left The Hibernian tonight, my first thoughts weren't that I wanted to fuck her. No, my first thought was I just missed having her sit next to me. I missed her presence. Her smell. Her smile.