Into the Garden

  The two left and Jade fetched the coffee cups and took out the milk She tried to keep my mind off things by describing some of the new clothing her mother had bought in anticipation of her big

  celebration. She was talking with nervous energy, reminding me of how she was at our group therapy sessions, especially toward the end when she described her attempted suicide with sleeping pills. Then she poured us both some coffee. We heard Misty and Star come down the stairs. One look at them told me they hadn't found the letters.

  "Maybe he gets off on reading other people's private stuff," Star said.

  "Maybe he didn't know all of it himself," Misty suggested. She looked to me.

  "I don't know what he knew. He never mentioned anything to me."

  "Well, we can't do anything about it now. Let's concentrate on what we can do," Jade said finally. She poured Star and Misty their coffee and sat.

  "So? What can we do?" Misty asked.

  "Move on with our plans. In the morning I'm picking up some things for our private room. If you want, I'll pick you up first," she said to Misty.

  "Okay."

  "We still have a lot of fixing up to do around here. I'll sleep over tomorrow night," she told me. She looked at Misty. "When did you say your father was remarrying?"

  "This Saturday and it's a church wedding, too, with lots of guests!"

  "We'll all go with you," Jade said.

  "You will?"

  "Why not? Star?"

  "Fine with me, but I don't have anything fancy to wear."

  "I have just the dress for you," Jade said. "I'll bring it here. Cat needs something nice, too. Tomorrow afternoon, I'll have the limousine take us to Camelot's on Sunset and we'll get her something outstanding."

  "That's nice, thanks," Misty said, her face filling with her characteristic cheer and vivacity.

  "I'd better do some more work on Geraldine's grave," Star said. "It's lucky he came around here at night. We might get other visitors. It still looks too much like what it is. I'll do it in the morning before I go home." She sipped some coffee. "If I don't get back here later in the day, don't wait around for me," she added.

  "Is there anything we can do for you? Maybe we should all come to your house," Jade wondered.

  "No, it would just make Granny nervous and all. She'd be afraid my mother would do or say something embarrassing. We'll see," she said.

  The silences were long and deep between us. When we sipped our coffee, we peered over the cups at each other, all of us sensing the tension in the room. How fragile our confidence really was, I thought. For me the doubt worked like a doorway to the darkness from which Geraldine could emerge, her face twisted in a smile of derision, her eyes like two candle flames. Her hatred and anger shot up from the ends of her dead fingers, twirling and streaking through the earth and into the house to crackle and spark in the rooms and hallways and to remind me that she wasn't far away. She was never far away.

  "Are you all right?" Jade asked me. "Cat?"

  "What? Oh, yes," I said.

  "Let's finish straightening up," she said. "What do we do about the back door?" she asked, nodding at it.

  Star inspected it and then went out to the garage to get some tools. We all watched her work.

  "One of Ma'ama's boyfriends once broke in our door like this," she said. She fixed the lock so it worked at least well enough to get the door closed.

  "That doesn't look very secure," Jade said.

  "Let's face it," Star told her, "if someone wants to get in, they'll get in no matter what."

  "You don't have an alarm system?" Jade asked me. "No. Geraldine never wanted one, I guess."

  "Maybe she was too mean to be afraid," Jade muttered. "Or too stupid," Star said.

  Jade and Misty stayed for another hour or so, talking about our future plans, fantasizing trips and big parties, working their imaginations hard to drive back the fear and anxiety we all still felt. When they left, Star and I finished fixing up my bedroom and the bed, and then decided we would go to sleep and not even bother watching any television. The thing about emotional exhaustion is you don't realize how heavy it is until you stop moving and lower your head to the pillow, I realized. Then, you feel like you'll never get up.

  "You don't think he'll come back tonight, do you, Star?" I whispered when we were both in the bed.

  "Naw. He's got to be one confused man I bet his jaw just about dropped to the floor when he saw all the furniture in the hall and then looked in on Geraldine's room and saw what we did. That Jade, she's a piece of work. Who knows what she's planning to do in there tomorrow, but one thing's for sure, it won't be any new Beverly Hills fancy decor. Jade and her private places."

  "We all need them," I said.

  Star was quiet a moment.

  "Yeah, I guess," she said. "Trouble is, someone's always busting in and ruining it"

  "Maybe that won't happen this time," I said.

  "Maybe," she said, but not with any confidence. "Night," I said.

  "Sorry I couldn't have you over, Cat. Maybe some other time," she said.

  "Sure. There'll be other times."

  She didn't say yes.

  The future was more of a mystery than ever, despite our optimistic dreams.

  In the morning Star went out to rake the grave some more and make the area look less and less like a cemetery plot. We called her a cab and I gave her the money to go home. I gave her enough for her to also get a cab in the afternoon.

  "I'll try to be back," she promised.

  Now that my father had returned and done what he had done, taken what he had taken, I was more afraid of being alone than ever, but I tried not to show it. Nevertheless, I was at the front window watching and waiting for Jade and Misty most of the time. It was a partly cloudy day. Every time the sunlight tried to warm and brighten things, a cloud seemed to rush in and shut it off. The dreariness made me feel even more alone. When that big limousine finally appeared, I breathed a sigh of deep relief and quickly went to let Jade and Misty in. Their arms were filled with packages. The chauffeur followed carrying a fairly large oval mirror.

  "You can leave that right here, thanks," Jade told him. He placed it just inside the door. As soon as he returned to the vehicle, Jade turned to me.

  "Everything all right?" she asked me. "No more visitors?"

  "No one. It's been quiet. Star said she'll try to return late this afternoon."

  "Good."

  Jade's chauffeur returned with a rolled up rug and left that beside the mirror.

  "Let's get to work," Jade told Misty as soon as he left. They began carrying things up the stairs to our private place. I followed.

  "What did you two buy?"

  "You'll see," Misty said, smiling

  They went down to bring up the rug and then the mirror. First, they rolled out the rug and placed it in the center of the floor. It was a tightly woven wool rug with red and black stripes. Jade placed the mirror low on the wall to the right so that when we were sitting on the rug, we could see ourselves. After that she unwrapped two pairs of brass candelabra, placing them at opposite ends of the room. Misty filled them with tall, black candles.

  Jade had also bought what she called New Age meditation music CD's. They played one while they worked. There were posters and pictures of strange, ethereal scenes, some with clouds and water, some with stars and streaks of light. There was incense to burn and chimes Jade hung just over the doorway, and Misty put in the new doorknob and gave me a key.

  "We'll get more decorations," Jade said after hanging the pictures on the walls. "I didn't want to take too long.

  Well?" she said, gazing at everything, "what do you think so far?"

  "It's different," I said, looking at the rug and the candles in the naked, black room. They had even painted the windows.

  "Wait until Star sees it all," Misty said. "It gives me an eerie feeling, but I like it."

  "It's got to be meditative, spiritual," Jade explained. "Why did we have to paint the w
indows?" I asked. "We want to leave the loud, noisy, troubled, rotten world out there when we all gather in here."

  "How do you know about all this?" I asked her.

  "My mother was into it for a while. She joined one of those meditative groups shortly after she and my father started their divorce wars and it seemed to help her, but then the organization asked for more donations and she found out her spiritual leader was buying up prime property in Westwood with the money, so she quit, but I liked the music and I read her pamphlets and got more out of them than she did, I think.

  "In here, we won't be afraid to expose our deepest feelings to each other. That's what makes it sacred, so remember to always keep it locked so no one else sets foot in it. Okay?"

  "Yes," I said. Maybe it would work, I thought. Maybe we would have a special place, a true escape.

  We heard the phone ring and I picked up the receiver. The phone had been left on the floor. It was the doctor at the hospital wondering why I hadn't shown up for my X- ray. He wanted to speak with Geraldine.

  "Oh, I'm sorry. She's out, but I'll be right there," I said.

  "It's important we check how that's healing," he emphasized. "I thought your mother understood."

  "She did; she's just been sick," I said, thinking of the first possible excuse. After I hung up, I told Jade and Misty about the forgotten appointment.

  "Don't worry about it. Let's get over there."

  "I'll drive," Misty said, and we went downstairs. Jade remembered to call Star to let her know where we would be should she arrive. She listened for a moment and then hung up.

  "She doesn't sound too happy. She said it was all right because she wouldn't be here until dinner. Rodney was upset. Her mother took him along supposedly to shop and he ended up in a bar with her."

  "Maybe she'll drink herself to death and solve the problem," Misty muttered

  Jade and I gazed at each other, both thinking the same thing I'm sure. It was sad that Star's and her brother's happiness and even safety depended on their mother being gone and out of their lives.

  We got into- the car and headed for the hospital. It took us nearly two hours to get my X-rays done and the doctor to look at them. He was obviously concerned that Geraldine wasn't there, too. I said she was running a fever.

  "But I thought you told me she was out before," he reminded me.

  "She had gone to the doctor who prescribed medicine and told her to rest," I said.

  He still looked annoyed and suspicious, but said I was healing fine.

  "I want you back next week. Have your mother call me the day before," he ordered and wrote out his name and number. I thanked him and we left.

  "What will I do next week?"

  "He won't remember her voice. I'll call and pretend I'm Geraldine," Jade said. "We'll be fine. The important thing is your ankle's coming along well. Now, let's go to Camelot's and get you something for Misty's father's wedding. Shopping is the best way to get rid of worries," she added

  "Something a Beverly would say," Misty quipped. She thought a moment and then smiled and said, "Funny, but when Star's not with us, I feel like I have to say what she would say."

  "We're all becoming part of each other," Jade explained. "Let's hope it's only the good parts."

  We all laughed. I was beginning to be afraid we wouldn't find any reason to, but we did have a great afternoon. Little did I or Misty know that Camelot's was an offbeat clothing store, selling what they described as "Mythic Clothes." The shop was scented with incense and there was music not unlike the CD's Jade had purchased for our special room.

  The first dress Jade insisted I try on was a gown of stretch velvet. It had gold metallic trim and pointed sleeves. I thought it looked like a costume on me, but that was nothing compared to what I looked like in what was called the Goddess dress, made of crinkled silk with a gold metallic corded belt. After that I got into the Fairy dress, a silk chiffon with a handkerchief skirt and separate top that tied at the shoulders. It was pale lavender and both Jade and Misty decided it was the one I should buy. I kept laughing at my image in the mirror and thinking how wild Geraldine would be if she saw me in it.

  "You really are a pretty girl, Cat," Jade said after she came up beside me, put her arm around my shoulders, and her head against mine. We both looked at me in the mirror. "Soon you'll be breaking more hearts than me," she whispered.

  Could I? Could I really? I wondered as I stared into the mirror.

  "Let's get the Goddess dress for Star," Jade decided. "In fact, let's all buy something here. I'll do the velvet gown. Misty?"

  "Okay. They'll all be perfect for Daddy's new wedding."

  She considered, and chose a crinkled silk tunic with a V-neck and a crinkled silk skirt in teal Imagine the sight of the four of us when we entered that church, I thought, but I was sure making a scene and stealing the moment was exactly what Misty hoped we would do.

  We ended up spending a little more than a thousand dollars.

  Geraldine is surely spinning in her grave, I thought, and half expected to find the earth churned up when we returned to the house. On the way home, we stopped at Misty's so she could pick up her clarinet. She wanted to play for us after dinner. We were determined to have a good time and put away all the dark events.

  To my surprise, Star loved the dress when we showed it to her after she arrived. We all put on our new clothes and paraded around the house.

  "Perfect clothes for our first session in our special place," Jade declared, and led us up the stairs where we were to light the candles, turn on the music, sit on the rug, hold hands, and touch each other's spirits.

  "If Doctor Marlowe could see us now," Star quipped, and we all laughed. Our laughter was truly like music, music to drown out any storm.

  Jade gave us our first lesson in meditation and whether it was my imagination or not, I did feel the tension leave my body. Afterward, we all helped make a great pasta dinner with a spinach and goat cheese salad to start. Jade had brought wine from her mother's house. We sat around the table, talking and enjoying each other.

  Jade insisted that our mythic clothing had turned us all into goddesses and we each described the magical power we would most like to possess. Misty wanted to be invisible and spy on whomever she wished. Star wanted to fly. Jade wanted to turn men into love-hungry slaves. I said I wished I could live in a castle with walls that kept out all sickness and unhappiness.

  "That's what this house will be," Jade declared.

  When the meal ended, Misty put on a CD and we cleaned up to music After that was done, we went into the living room to relax and Misty performed for us on her clarinet.

  The melodies from Misty's clarinet were as meditative as Jade's New Age CD's. Jade, Star, and I all closed our eyes and let ourselves drift. I know I felt as if I was floating on a cloud.

  When Misty stopped playing, she sat in a lotus position in front of us. No one spoke for a few moments.

  "I'm glad you're all going to be with me on Saturday," she said. "No matter what, I can't think of my father as being married to someone else, standing up there and promising someone else he'll love her forever and ever. It makes me feel.., like I don't exist anymore, like he's just erased his past and everything and everyone in it, even me."

  Star reached for Misty's hand, and then Jade's, and I held Jade's and Misty's hands. We sat there, linked. Nothing else needed to be said.

  After a moment we all stood up.

  "Tomorrow," Jade decided, "we'll get back to fixing this place up so it's more like a party house. Maybe we need more dramatic lighting, even some new pieces of furniture, more pictures, lots of stuff!"

  "Back to the stores," Misty declared, holding her hand up high as if she held a sword.

  "Beverlies," Star muttered, "think shopping solves everything."

  Misty, Jade, and I looked at each other and then roared. "What?" Star said.

  "You said it before," I told her.

  "Huh? When?"

  "Through Misty,"
Jade said, and we laughed again, only harder.

  "You're all crazy," Star said. She thought a moment and then added, "Thank God for that."

  The rest of the week went quickly. Jade stayed that night and Misty returned for the following evening. The next day the Salvation Army came and took Geraldine's furniture and clothes. It went a long way toward helping me feel she was truly gone for good.

  We had meditation sessions every night and had fun cooking and talking. Star felt pressured to remain at home for Rodney every evening She told us her mother had gotten a job as a waitress in a bar on the beach and was already keeping very late hours. Because she woke Rodney up when she came home, stumbling over furniture, Granny convinced her to sleep in the living room and let Rodney go back to his cot.

  Finally, it was Saturday, Misty's father's wedding day. Jade had her limousine pick us up. Misty said her mother was furious about it because we were making it into such a big event by buying new clothes. She had no idea what the rest of us were wearing. If she had seen us all together, she might have reversed her opinion. The moment the four of us entered the church, the entire wedding party spun their heads around. Jade was carrying a magic wand that worked on batteries and lit up a light at the end. She had bought a sequin laden headband for Misty to wear and gave Star very ostentatious costume jewelry. She gave me a large, ruby colored glass necklace on a thick silver chain.

  Misty's father looked confused as we marched down the aisle to take our seats up front. I was sure Misty hadn't told him she was bringing us. Our dramatic entrance was followed with a wave of murmurs from the guests. Her father's friends and Ariel's family and friends didn't know whether to laugh or cry out in protest. We could see it in their faces, but we didn't stare or smile at anyone.

  Jade had given us our marching orders before we had arrived.

  "Don't look at anyone. Keep your face forward, your eyes fixed on the bride and groom, and look very serious. We're there to cast a spell for Misty."

  "What spell?" Star asked. "What crazy thing are you talking about now?"

  "A spell to protect her from any further unhappiness," Jade replied.

  "I love it," Misty cried. The fantasizing kept her from letting sadness and pain into her heart.