Into the Garden

  "That's your trouble, Jade. Someone already did that."

  Misty and I almost laughed and then stopped because neither Star nor Jade was smiling. It would take more than one good party to make us forget who we were and why we were brought together. Maybe, we'd never forget long enough to have a good time after all.

  As far as forgetting went, it was just about impossible for me to not think about my father and fear his return. Not an hour of a day went by when I didn't pause to listen more closely to a sound I had heard in the house or a car that seemed to have pulled into my driveway. I gazed out of the window so often anyone passing by would have wondered if I was being held prisoner or something.

  However, despite the storm clouds that always seemed to hover on our horizon, the closer we drew to the night of the party, the more excited we all became. Star's initial meeting with Larry turned out better than she had anticipated. Larry not only wanted to see her again and said he would come to the party, he called her every day there- after and took her to dinner one night. Jade reported that David Kellerman was very excited about the invitation and then called to say his cousin was even more eager to come and to meet me, which put me in a panic.

  Jade took control of my makeover, but would any hairstyle, any makeup, any new clothing have much of an impact on my appearance? I was still clumping around with a cast on my leg, of course. And what about my limited and troubled experiences with boys? Would I quickly make a fool of myself and ruin the evening?

  The day before the party, Jade took me to her hairstylist. She spent most of the time trimming my hair evenly and complaining about the job my last stylist had done. I was too embarrassed to say it had been Geraldine. After that, she cut my hair in a shortish, graduated bob. My hair was then blown dry and sprayed with a gloss lacquer. I had never had anything like it done before.

  "Now that's an up-to-date hairdo," Jade cried, and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt my heart skip.

  Was that really me? It changed my whole appearance. I no longer looked dragged out and tired. It was so difficult to think of myself as attractive. Geraldine's admonitions against vanity resonated like a drumbeat in my head.

  "What are you looking at, Cathy? Are you going to fall in love with your own face, too?" I could hear her ask.

  Back at the house, Jade experimented on my face with different shades of makeup, eyeliner, and lipsticks while Star and Misty sat in judgment, everyone arguing about the results.

  "That makes her eyes too large."

  "That's too much of a contrast."

  "You're ruining the graceful line in her lips."

  My face was smeared, painted, and changed so much, my skin began to feel raw. Finally, they all agreed on a shade of lipstick that flattered me and everyone decided the rest of my makeup should be subtle.

  Misty wanted us all to wear our mythic clothes again, but Jade had a new designer dress she wanted to wear and she insisted I go with her and buy something new, just for the party.

  "I always buy something new whenever there's an occasion," she told me.

  She decided I looked very good in a black strappy gown, even with my leg in a cast. It had a low neckline, one that would have driven Geraldine to paint an A on my chest, but Jade insisted that I stopped being ashamed of what she called my "assets." In the end I relented and bought the dress.

  Jade had brought over a selection of clothes for Star to try, and Star settled on a low cut Anna Sui dress, augmented by a push-up bra. Jade insisted she wear high-heeled sandals, which Star happened to have.

  Misty was going to wear a tight Betsey Johnson mini- dress in a floral print with high-spiky heels. She had a pair of her mother's large gold loop earrings she wanted to wear, too. Jade thought they were boring, but Misty obviously still used her mother as a role model for some things and ignored the criticism.

  Late in the afternoon of the day of our party, Jade insisted we go up to our special room to meditate. Just having the three of them around me, all of them talking, sometimes all at once, hearing their laughter while we primped and preened, made me feel comfortable and happy enough. Meditating seemed unnecessary, but Jade had this idea that under our "glossy, perfect surfaces," as she put it, "ran an undercurrent of nervousness and hysteria."

  "We've all made good progress with Doctor Marlowe," she said, "but it would be foolish and naive of us to believe we were four stable females Each of us still has a stick of dynamite under our hearts and the wicks could be lit at any moment, sometimes because of the smallest, dumbest things."

  She was talking mostly about herself, but it really did apply to each of us. No one objected or argued with her. We marched into the room quietly, all of us in our bathrobes. We had bought four thick white terry-cloth robes the day before at the department store, among other things, to always keep at the clubhouse, as my home was now called.

  We gathered in a circle on the rug. Jade lit the candles and closed her eyes as she reached out for Star's hand and Misty's, who both reached out for mine. A continuous stream of New Age music ran under our thoughts. First, we had our long moments of silence, reaching deeply into ourselves, then Jade began a chant, a prayer, wishing for us to have happiness, to become free of our pasts, our demons, and shadows, to blossom and flourish in our renewed and newly nourished souls.

  Afterward, I did feel as if all my fears and horrible memories had been driven down into some deep and dark vault inside myself, locked up and shut away so I could be free to be fresh and new and hopeful. As we started to dress, however, and I looked at the clock ticking toward the start of our party, I couldn't keep the tension and nervousness from crawling back into me.

  "What does a boy expect from a girl the first time they meet like this?" I asked my far more experienced sisters. Everyone paused and, after glancing at each other, turned to me. Star was first.

  "I'll tell you one thing, Cat. You don't throw yourself at him, even if he looks like Mr. Perfect. The more you hold back, the more they want you and the higher you go in their eyes. I didn't even kiss Larry good night the first night. I let him peck me on the cheek, but none of that suck face stuff minutes after 'How do you do?' "she advised.

  "Oh, spare me," Jade said.

  "I'm not lying." She nodded at me. "When I did kiss him, he thought it was gold," she said, smiling. "The more you like someone, the more you want him to respect you. Isn't that true, Princess Jade?"

  Jade's skeptical smirk evaporated and she nodded.

  "She's right," Jade said. "But, look, don't build this up too much in your mind. Try to relax and remember he'll probably be as nervous as you are, maybe more. You've got to project some confidence. Think about your smile. Make it small but soft and sincere. Don't laugh and giggle after everything he says. Boys can tell when you're trying too hard to please them and believe it or not, they think less of girls who do that. Not that they don't want to be pleased. They just want it to be sincere."

  "Don't stare at him all the time, either," Star said. "Make him feel you're not even interested in him in the beginning. Make him work for it."

  'The important thing is you've got to look confident even if you don't feel confident,' Jade said. "Walk with your shoulders back, like this" She demonstrated. "I took a whole course in charm," she added before Star could laugh.

  "How is she gonna do that on crutches, Jade?" Misty pointed out. I could tell she was listening intently to their instructions too.

  "Well, do the best you can," Jade told me, "and drop your eyes once in a while. Make sure you speak slowly and pause dramatically between sentences to hold his attention. And most important of all," she said, her own eyes small and determined, "if he isn't right for you or if he doesn't appear to care for you, don't let him see your disappointment, Cat. Keep your tears behind your eyes. Besides," she said with a laugh, "you don't want to smear your makeup."

  "There's so much to remember," I complained.

  They laughed.

  "We're not saying you have to think abo
ut it like some lines in a play or something," Star said. "It'll all come naturally after a while."

  "I'd kiss on the first date," Misty piped up, "if I wanted to and I liked the boy. It doesn't mean he'll think less of you," she insisted. "I might even do a little more."

  "Oh, you would, would you?" Star challenged.

  "Yes," Misty said. "I'm not saying I will tonight, but I might."

  "Misty's not all wrong," Jade said. "A lot depends on the guy, I suppose. Maybe there are no rules that always apply, just some things to keep in mind. The most important thing is to be honest?'

  "Excuse me," Star said. "You're always honest with the guys you date?"

  "You can flirt a little," Jade admitted, "but don't try to be someone else just to get him to like you. Okay?" she asked Star.

  They looked at me.

  "I'm not sure I'm not more confused now than ever," I said, and everyone laughed.

  "You'll be fine," Star assured me. "If he doesn't like you, he isn't worth it."

  "She's finally right about something," Jade said.

  Star stuck out her tongue at Jade. Then we all returned to dressing and putting on the finishing touches. In fifteen minutes, the doorbell would ring and the boys would begin to arrive. A party in my house! Not in my wildest imaginings did I think this would ever happen. Geraldine certainly never imagined it.

  Could the dead hear what went on around them? Was death like chains and gags? Was she being tortured and frustrated in her grave? Was it her punishment? I shuddered to think that maybe we were being cruel or evil. Perhaps our histories, our troubles had turned us into something we never anticipated.

  Downstairs, Jade put some finishing touches on the cheese and crackers, shrimp plate, and chips and dip. Then she prepared her spiked punch. The three of us stood and watched her and glanced at the clock.

  "Wait a minute!" Star suddenly exclaimed. Jade turned. "What's wrong?"

  "We never told each other what we told the guys about why Cat had the house to herself."

  "Oh, no," I muttered. What a time to finally remember to compare details, I thought.

  "All I said was we had my friend's house for a party because her mother was gone for the night," Jade said. "I didn't tell David anything about Cat's situation. What about you?"

  "Yeah, I said that, but I said her parents, I think. I don't know ill just said mother. I can't remember," Star said.

  "How can you not remember what you said?" Jade nearly yelled. "What were you, drunk?"

  "Don't be stupid?'

  "Well, how can you not remember?"

  "I said... mother. I didn't say parents. No, I wouldn't have said parents."

  'Are you sure?"

  "Yes. I'm sure."

  "Damn, you must be love struck," Jade chastised. "Not sure, sure. Misty, what about you?"

  "I didn't tell him anything. I just said we were having a party at Cat's. He didn't ask any details and I didn't think to tell him any. What do I tell him if he asks?"

  "Say what I said. Her mother's gone for the night."

  "What about her father?" Star asked.

  "No father," Jade said. "Her father... died." She widened her eyes "Killed by a drunk driver when he was only in his late twenties. That's partly true, isn't it?"

  "Everyone got it?" Star asked.

  My heart was pounding. What a big mistake we had almost made.

  "Okay, it's settled then:'

  "Wait. What did her father do?" Star asked.

  "I don't know. What?" Jade asked, looking my way. The clock was ticking.

  "My father was a musician," I said,

  remembering my mother's letter. "He taught music at...at..."

  "UCLA," Jade inserted.

  "UCLA," I said. "My mother is still not over it, even after all these years."

  'Where did she go tonight?" Star asked.

  We all thought.

  "To her sister's in ...Phoenix." Misty said. "I have an aunt there."

  "Fine. Everyone got it?" Star asked.

  "I guess nobody said anything about this, then," I said, indicating my cast.

  "Just tell them you tripped on the stairs. You're a klutz," Jade decided. "It's better than saying you fell from the crawl space above the pantry. Then you'd really have explaining to do."

  They all nodded just as the doorbell sounded.

  "Talk about just making it at the bell," Star muttered, and went to answer the door.

  Larry was the first to arrive. Star said that made sense; the army taught him to be punctual. He was a strikingly good looking six-feet-three-inch young man with firm wide shoulders. He looked very handsome in his army uniform and stood with a calm, deliberate air about him

  Star introduced him, and his first question was what happened to my leg.

  "I came down my stairs too fast one day," I said quickly. "Anyone ever tell you that you look a lot like Will Smith?" Jade asked him to change the subject.

  "No, ma'am," he said. "Most compare me to Denzel Washington."

  "Ma'am? Please just call me Jade," she said. "Next thing I know you'll salute me."

  "I'm the only one he's saluting tonight:' Star joked, and Larry laughed. "C'mon, I'll get you some of Jade's wonderful punch:' she told him. Jade glanced at Misty and me when Star threaded her arm through Larry's and led him into the living room.

  "She's full of beans," Jade whispered. "They've already slept together."

  Misty's eyes bulged.

  "I can tell those things," Jade insisted.

  David and Stuart arrived next. Both wore dark sports jackets and slacks. David looked as he did in the picture, only more handsome. Stuart was good looking, too, but looked very serious. He had an air about him that made him seem older, wiser.

  Everyone was introduced in the living room and Jade put on some music. The boys liked her punch. Stuart got me a glass and we sat on the sofa. Misty was near the door, anxiously awaiting Chris's arrival. I could see by the look on her face that she was afraid he wasn't going to show.

  "How long have you been wearing the cast?" Stuart asked. He had a deep, resonant voice. Very manly, I thought.

  "Not long. About ten days," I said.

  "I broke my wrist once. When I was ten, I fell off my bike and tried to break the fall with my hand straight out. It was pretty painful. Does your ankle still hurt?"

  "No, it's fine."

  "Jade told my cousin that you're attending St. Jude," he said.

  "Yes." I wasn't sure if she had told them I hadn't attended much this past year, but I guessed probably not.

  "You know Guy Davis? I think he goes there. He'd be a junior."

  "No," I said, "but that doesn't mean anything. I didn't make a lot of friends there."

  "Oh? How come?'

  "I don't know," I said. I sipped my drink and looked down, but! could see him smiling. Was that a dumb thing to say? I wondered.

  "I don't have all that many friends at school either," he revealed. "I'm not in any sports or clubs. Most days I go straight home from school and hang out with my younger brother Judson until our mom gets home."

  "What about your father?" I asked quickly.

  "He died. Heart attack. He had a problem with a heart valve that required surgery. We thought it went okay. So did the doctors, but... it didn't?'

  "I'm sorry. How long ago was that?"

  "Three years ago. I kinda feel I have to take up some of the responsibilities," he added, looking down at his glass of punch. "It's why I don't get out much, I guess. David's always after me to do stuff with him. He's a popular guy at school and on the basketball team." He paused, sipped his drink, and looked around. Misty was still hovering near the door. "What about your parents?" he asked. "Where are they tonight?"

  "My mother went to visit her sister in Phoenix," I recited.

  'And your father?'

  For a moment I felt my throat close. It seemed so wrong to lie to Stuart, whose father really died. Mine did, too, and technically, I suppose, I wasn't lying, but
I was about to pretend I had known my father. Star, who was half listening to our

  conversation, paused in talking to Larry and looked at me.

  "My father is gone, too," I said. "He died in an automobile accident."

  "Oh, I'm sorry. David didn't mention that."

  "Maybe he doesn't know," I said.

  The doorbell rang and Misty practically flew out of the room. Moments later, she appeared with Chris at her side. He was cute, but it was also easy to see from the way his eyes shifted and his smile flickered, that he was as shy as she had described. Misty led him straight to the spiked punch.

  Jade turned the music up, and she and David began to dance. Almost immediately, Star and Larry joined them and then Misty tugged Chris onto the floor as well. Stuart and I remained seated on the sofa, watching.

  "I feel silly dancing with this," I said pointing to my cast.

  "That's okay. I'm not that great a dancer even without a cast on my leg."

  We both laughed and watched the others.

  "My cousin's a good dancer," he leaned over to tell me. "Yes, he is?'

  "Star's pretty good too," he added.

  "I think I should start cooking the meatballs," I told him. 'We're making subs and they'll need a half hour or so."

  "Oh. I'll come with you," he said, surprising me. "I've become something of a cook," he told me as we walked down the hallway to the kitchen. "My mother works and sometimes, I make our dinner."

  I nodded and he watched me drop the meatballs into the pan of sauce.

  "Mind if I taste?" he asked.

  "No. Go ahead."

  He dipped a spoon into the sauce, tasted it, and looked pensive.

  "What's wrong?"

  "Nothing. It's delicious," he said. "Just enough garlic, too?'

  I laughed.

  "I just followed a cookbook."

  "Well, you followed it very well," he said. He gazed around the kitchen and stared at the back door. Star's repair of the rebroken door wasn't very good. It still looked quite chipped and battered around the lock. I saw the way his eyebrows tilted toward each other as he wondered.

  "We should get back to the party," I said. "I'll just let this simmer."

  "Sure," he said. "How long have you lived in this house?"