Today's Edition
who some have erroneously (and others treacherously) accused of being a site manager in H&C assigned to H-11 sector.
And I'm Hillary Binzer, sometimes confused with being a field organizer in the same!
Hillary and I want to set the record straight: we have always been the proud announcers of Your Edition Today!
The leading source of news you have come to depend on and trust.
You should be well advised before you state otherwise. And if you don't know what we're talking about, we have a very important announcement for you today. So keep reading!
Well, it's probably more important for some citizens and not others.
That's right, Hillary. Glad you mentioned it. We'll leave it up to our readers to figure out which group they belong to.
What Marsha and I mean is that Control has caught wind of a certain underhanded but extremely dangerous conspiracy.
Orchestrated by the worst and most notorious traitors, no doubt.
It always is, Marsha. But this particular conspiracy is even worse than all the others.
It always is, Hillary. Be aware that Homeland Security is on the lookout for anyone participating in this grand deception and will take the necessary measures to neutralize the immediate threat. As in, without hesitation.
No more talk of a vast, Bunker-wide disaster will be tolerated. There has been no disaster, there never was any disaster, and there never will be any disaster. The Bunker is a utopia. Nothing untoward could ever happen to it.
You heard her right, citizens. It appears that over the course of the last few weekstretches, an evil fifth column has been actively working to convince everyone that the power has gone out, the ambient temperature is fluctuating wildly, and the cybots have run amok. There is even talk that certain departments have been exposed to the planetary conditions of the outside.
Citizens, nothing could be further than the truth. And if you want to stay alive, you should pay attention to what Marsha and I are saying. Careful attention.
Control has noticed a sharp decline in industrial output over the same period. Clearly, these traitorous elements have devised a new strategy to attack our morale as opposed to our infrastructure.
We must, of course, fight back.
Not only will our work quotas be restored, but in many cases they will be temporarily increased.
You heard what Marsha said. We've got a lot of making up to do. And it would be very unwise for anyone to allege that the metro isn't running or their local commissary is dispensing poison instead of healthy, nutritious Vitamim.
Or that D-7 sector doesn't exist anymore.
Because Control can clearly tell that the metro is running, your commissary is full of satisfied people, and D-7 sector is exactly where it's always been.
There's no point in claiming you're the only one showing up for work, either. After all, Control can plainly see that your entire team is happily plugging away at whatever it is they have always plugged away at. Except you. You're not plugging away.
Get it, citizens?
I think they got it, Hillary.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today!
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
A fun and happy greetings to all our fans out there! This is Marsha Wong.
And I'm Hillary Binzer. You're reading the latest from Your Edition Today! (TM)
The Bunker has seen a sharp – perhaps even alarming – uptick in terrorist activity of late. Guardians from Defense are doing they best they can to keep the hoards of traitors at bay, and agents from Homeland Security are working late into their nightstretches to thwart the next in a prolonged series of attacks. But we are clearly facing an onslaught of unprecedented proportions.
Thank you, Marsha. Due to the severity of the situation, citizens everywhere are being asked to step up and take the initiative. Remember, anyone with a higher security clearance than yourself can enter a Mark of Excellence into your permanent record. Or – in the case of willful ignorance or other dastardly conduct – a Mark of Shame. Not only is a copy of your permanent record available for everyone to peruse on X.net, but it will also be taken into consideration when you are considered for a possible promotion.
That's right, Hillary. Consider the chaos that almost broke out in departments T-4 through T-6 when it turned out all the commissaries were no longer functioning. You heard us correctly, citizen. Imagine: no delicious and nutritious Vitamim to help you kick off your daystretch and keep you satisfied as you sweat through your work quota. Now, accounts of the cause of this daring act of terrorism vary. Some baldly state that deliveries have ceased from the food pits, all of which are under P&L's control.
Hardly believable, Marsha. Still others claim that the staff has mysteriously disappeared. And there have been additional reports that the community dining halls themselves have suffered some kind of structural damage. I think I even remember reading something about a collapsed ceiling!
A collapsed ceiling? Hillary, you've got to be kidding.
I didn't write the report, Marsha! But I wholeheartedly agree with your disdain for such obvious lies. Whatever the cause of the interruption in service at some of the community dining halls in T sector, rather than spreading outrageous falsehoods and contributing to the problem, citizens are advised to take a page from those assigned to eat there.
I'm all aglow, Hillary, just thinking about it now. Firstly, these fine citizens arranged amongst themselves to reassign certain of their number to other commissaries. A difficult (and some say impossible) administrative procedure, they'll be filling out the forms for some time, but it's their bold seizure of the initiative that we want to bring to your attention.
As for those left to fend for themselves in the deserted and admittedly dangerous commissaries of T sector, information is sketchy and vague. According to the latest surveillance, a few of them have suffered unfortunate accidents. In a strange and bizarre twist to this story, their bodies have been misplaced and for some reason cannot be pinpointed at this time. Agents from Homeland Security will be investigating the mysterious disappearances as soon as they get around to it.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! (TM) as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
A fun and happy greetings to all out fans out there! This is Marsha Wong.
And I'm Hillary Binzer. You're reading the latest from Your Edition Today! (TM)
A new guideline promulgated by Control officially disbands private firms throughout the Bunker. The associated conglomerates have been ordered to expropriate their assets and assume responsibility for their functions.
And rightly so, Marsha. The sharp rise in terrorist activity warrants recourse to extreme measures. And let's be honest: the private firms never really served any useful purpose anyway. They had merely devolved into vehicles of vice and corruption. I mean, let's be honest: since when was greed ever a healthy motivation for any activity?
The public interest trumps arrogance and selfishness every time, Hillary. Keep in mind the private firms were never officially sanctioned in the first place, just tolerated as an experiment in economic efficiency. All the important and necessary services remained safely in the hands of the conglomerates. Given the sudden and alarming shortage we face of a variety of basic materials, the boys over at Control decided to end what had obviously turned out to be a dreadful – not to mention wasteful – failure.
And we all know what that means, citizens. Failures on such a large scale can only be attributed to one thing: traitors. The private firms were clearly a haven for them. Links between their activities and the current, overwhelming surge of sabotage and disruption have not yet been established, but agents from Homeland Security are sure to reach that conclusion sometime soon.
Of course, the Bunker is a
utopia, and its loyal citizens the epitome of resourcefulness. Great strides against the terrorist hordes have been made. Here are but a few instances we can report to you.
This is by no means a complete list, citizens. Marsha is merely referring to those that have come to our attention.
That's what I said, Hillary.
Just being clear about this, Marsha.
A neighborhood runner in B-6 sector was apprehended yesterday for entering apartments in her territory that were beyond her security clearance. Further investigation revealed that the apartments' occupiers had all mysteriously disappeared several weekstretches previously. Unfortunately, the surveillance in that part of B-6 sector has also disappeared. The neighborhood runner – I'm sorry, but we don't have a name for you – obviously has a great deal to answer for. Homeland Security assures us that a list of her fellow conspirators is being compiled as you read this.
Nuclear disasters in departments P-9, V-6, F-10, X-8, R-10, and C-5 were narrowly averted when fresh teams of reactor core attendants showed up for their new assignments. The previous reactor core attendants had – almost to a man – abandoned their posts, leaving spent fuel in several reactors. Unfortunately, departments G-7, N-7, B-8, and J-6 were not so lucky. Remember, citizens, nuclear accidents are an anomaly. Nuclear power is entirely safe and fun!
Also, four daystretches ago a gang of bandits suspected of belonging to that outlawed organization, Acey Distorted,