Today's Edition
ran rampant through several departments of E sector, tossing EMP charges with abandon. The electromagnetic pulses wreaked havoc with the local machinery. According to several reports, a number of cybots subsequently went berserk, causing casualties at a medical clinic in E-5 sector. When the gang broke into the sector exchange and tried to enter E-2 sector – which was clearly beyond their security clearance – guardians from Defense aided by a contingent of killbots opened fire. There were no survivors.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! (TM) as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
A fun and happy greetings to all our fans out there! This is Marsha Wong.
And I'm Hillary Binzer. You're reading the latest from Your Edition Today! (TM) Last weekstretch, my colleague Marsha Wong erroneously reported that the private firms had all been disbanded. I am pleased to announce that this is not in fact the case.
Wait a stretch, Hillary. We both reported on that story. Remember? “The private firms never really served any useful purpose.” Your words, not mine.
As in many instances where disinformation or loss of life results from an innocent mistake, I'm sure Marsha Wong meant no harm.
You also said the private firms were a haven for traitors of all stripes. I have the transcript right here.
In the interests of comity and self-preservation, let us gloss over who lied to whom and forget about whatever her intentions might have been. After all, there is an army of traitors out there, sabotaging vital industrial centers and blowing holes in the domes. We've got to come together in a spirit of sisterhood.
You arrogant cancerhead.
What I think my colleague Marsha meant to say is that some of the private firms have been shut down in light of the current state of emergency. However, this action was not taken because the private firms are a scourge on society. What loyal citizen would possibly suggest such a blatant lie? To the contrary, the private firms offer a much-needed platform for innovation and adaptability, a forum for experimentation that cannot be risked in the Bunker's core conglomerates. A number of useful discoveries have undoubtedly come from private firms. And let's not neglect to mention their customer-oriented focus! Most citizens prefer to work with the private firms, which have gone to great expense to improve wait-times in their call centers and sharpen their promotional messaging.
Well, that's actually what I reported last weekstretch.
No you didn't, Marsha.
Yes, I did, Hillary. I think if you review the transcript you'll see that I never said the private firms were being closed without exception. I think I was perfectly clear when I stated that there were a number of private firms that have been shut down due to a shortage of resources required by P&L and Developmental Engineering. And no one disparaged the usefulness of the private firms in general, certainly not myself.
Just because you used malware to delete the transcript of last weekstretch's dispatch from my PA doesn't mean it was permanently destroyed, Marsha.
In fact, given the state of emergency we face, we must be even more vigilant and resist the ever-growing terrorist threat. Witnessing and failing to report an act of treason in a timely fashion is – by definition – treason. One whole weekstretch is a pretty long time. Are you a traitor, Hillary?
Of course not, Marsha! All I meant was –
False accusations of treason are equally nefarious and those who make them are treated just like the traitors themselves.
Truce, Marsha?
Truce, Hillary.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! (TM) as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
A fun and happy greetings to all our fans out there! This is Marsha Wong.
And I'm Hillary Binzer. You're reading the latest from Your Edition Today! (TM)
The terrorist campaign continues unabated. Most recently, power outages in D sector have impacted the extraction of bitumen, an important natural resource used to maintain the Bunker's spaceports. Without this sticky, black substance, spaceships bearing precious water and minerals from the asteroids would have nothing safe to land on.
That's right, Marsha. Never before has the Bunker faced an existential threat of such magnitude. This concerted and organized assault not only affects the production of bitumen but also a host of other basic materials required for the seamless functioning of our economy: copper for our electrical grid, niobium which increases the natural strength of steel, zirconium without which fuel could not be fed to our nuclear reactors – and aluminium, of course, which has so many primary uses it's impossible to enumerate them all!
May I interject, Hillary? There are reports that some people question the presence of bitumen in our production chain at all, claiming that it is actually a form of petroleum and therefore originates from decayed lifeforms. Before you erroneously take stock of these rumors (and set yourself on the sure path to social deviancy), let me remind you that the surfaces of Mars and Venus are infested with huge, carnivorous beasts called dinosaurs. These creatures are the definitive source of all the bitumen.
Thanks for the public service announcement, Marsha. Remember, citizens, dinosaurs attack on sight! You should never want to venture off into the outside. It is a forbidding and dangerous place.
Meanwhile, Beta clearance citizen Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and tenacious boardroom warrior, continues to defend our precious home against the ascendant tide of evil. Through his efforts alone, scores of terrorist chieftains have landed in Homeland Security's interrogation chambers, confessing their crimes and those of their fellow conspirators. Milfred Roth has acted with a zealous fervor associated only with the Bunker's most cherished patriots. Anyone who says otherwise is a traitor.
As you all know, citizen Milfred Roth is a wily negotiator, capable of pawning off non-voting ordinary shares on dedicated employees and pension funds whilst he and the rest of the management team keep the preferred stock for themselves. Such creative and patriotic maneuvering has naturally earned him thousands of adoring admirers and even his own fan club on X.net! And now, Milfred Roth has elected to bring his incredible acumen to bear on the Bunker's current crisis.
If you're not with us, you're against us, Hillary.
That's right, Marsha.
What is truly remarkable about this particular act of bravery is that Milfred Roth will be operating undercover, risking his life to delve deep into the traitors' nest in a gallant effort to expose its secret inner workings.
And remember, Milfred Roth won't be taking any prisoners! He will mete out justice on a first-come, first-serve basis.
Thanks for interjecting, Hillary. Unfortunately, one of the consequences of this daring new strategy is that Mildred Roth will no longer be able to autograph fan snaps or make any public appearances whatsoever. His many loyal admirers will have find other ways to satisfy their hunger for his electrifying and cold-calculating presence.
Well, that's all the time we have for you today. Stay tuned for another dispatch of Your Edition Today! (TM) as soon as we can get it to you.
And remember: we are citizens of the Bunker. Each and every last one of us.
A fun and happy greetings to all our fans out there! This is Marsha Wong.
And I'm Hillary Binzer. You're reading the latest from Your Edition Today! (TM)
The bomb squad – provided by Defense during emergencies when the presence of a live explosive device has come into play – is an invaluable bulwark against the sinister machinations of evil. The disarmament officers who fill the majority of its ranks are determined citizens who regularly expose themselves to the dangers of maiming, dismemberment, or a sudden case of whiplash.
Brave guardians indeed, Marsha. That's why it's important to recognize these stalwart protectors of our l
iberty, especially in light of the current terrorist onslaught. Citizen Marcus Ames I-15 sector, for example, stands out from the pack. Having distinguished himself in fourteen separate incidents over the last two weekstretches alone – including single-handedly deactivating an incendiary device at the Donald J. Trump Institute for Peace and Understanding A-4 sector with only three secondstretches to spare – a Mark of Excellence has been entered into his Permanent Record.
I'm curious, Hillary, how you arrived at the pronunciation Ames. The spelling suggests something more along the lines of Imiz, don't you think?
Well, Marsha, if you refer to the Guidelines on Vocabulary and Proper Grammar handed down by Control after careful deliberation, you will find that sounding out a word based on its graphemes will not always yield the correct, patriotic pronunciation.
I am well aware of the Guidelines on Vocabulary and Proper Grammar, Hillary. Especially the sections dedicated to orthography.
Well, perhaps you should pay more attention to them instead of mauling citizen Marcus Imiz' name.
You mean Ames.
Moving right along, a spate of vicious cybot attacks has caused J sector to be put on lockdown indefinitely. Originally confined to cleanbots, medibots and the stray, traitorous helpbot, this coordinated assault escalated precipitously over the last sixteen hourstretches. Legions of flypods piloted by rogue killbots reportedly broke out of