Promise Me Light

In answer, he stood up. His feet spread wide on the floor, his muscles bunching with power. The moonlight bounced off of him, highlighting each muscle on his chest.

  I flung the blankets off of my legs, following him out of the bed. He’s having another dream. Another nightmare.

  I stopped in front of him, a foot away.

  “Ryder, wake up,” I said. I didn’t notice the coldness in the room. I only saw the furious snarl on his face as he stared over my head, seeing things that weren’t there.

  The fingers of his right hand gathered into a fist, ready to pound someone. He looked ready to attack and I was in his line of fire.

  “They’re killing me,” he muttered, staring over my shoulder. “And they’re going to kill her.” His words felt like ice as they washed over me, making my heart pound harder.

  “Ryder,” I said, looking up at him. “Wake up. Please.”

  Ignoring me, he took a step closer. “Bastards,” he growled, rolling his shoulders again. “You can’t keep me here.”

  The back of my legs hit the chair behind me as he took a quick step forward. I sidestepped around it, holding out my hand to stop him. My fingers landed on his abdomen. The muscles of his stomach felt rigid beneath my hand, reminding me of his strength. I started to get scared.

  “Wake up, Ryder. Please,” I said, my voice shaky. I knew Ryder would never hurt me but this wasn’t Ryder. This was a man lost in a nightmare.

  My palm pushed against him, needing him to back off. Bad move.

  He became enraged, grabbing my wrist and jerking me toward him.

  “Don’t touch me again,” he snarled, sounding like a rabid animal.

  “Ryder, please,” I cried out as my fingers became numb from his tight hold. For someone who spent the last few weeks in bed, his strength was formidable.

  He seemed not to hear me. With his hand around my wrist, he yanked me forward. I fell against his chest, my small protruding stomach pressing into him.

  “It’s me. Maddie. You’re safe,” I said, talking to him in a soothing voice. Anything to get through to him. I put my free hand on his chest, hoping my touch would wake him up. But it didn’t.

  A terrible sound erupted from deep in his chest. He thrust me away from him, letting go of my wrist. Never graceful, I lost my momentum and fell back against the closet doors. My head smacked against the wood, making me cry out and stars appear behind my eyelids. I peered up just as Ryder came at me, a ferocious look on his face.

  “Stay away from her!” he shouted.

  I screamed at him to stop. I didn’t know what else to do to wake him up.

  Ryder was towering a few feet above me when the bedroom door flew open, banging against the wall. I glanced over as Gavin and Cash barged inside, followed by Roger. When they saw Ryder standing over me, they rushed him like two linebackers tackling the big, muscular quarterback.

  That’s the moment when Ryder woke up. I saw recognition in his eyes a second before Cash smacked into him. He let out a whoosh of air as Cash’s shoulder connected with his solid stomach, making him grunt with pain.

  I cried out, watching as Ryder was knocked a few feet back, taken by surprise. But the surprise only lasted a few seconds before chaos broke out.

  Ryder regained his footing and went after Cash, hell bent on taking him down. His fist swung forward, nailing Cash in the jaw. Cash’s head snapped back, the sound of knuckles hitting skin making me flinch.

  I rushed forward, planning to jump in the middle of them, but Gavin grabbed my arm, holding me back.

  “Let me go, Gavin!” I yelled, watching as Cash grabbed Ryder around the middle in a big bear hug, hauling him back a few steps. Ryder landed a jab to Cash’s ribs but Cash held on.

  “He’s awake! Leave him alone!” I yelled, struggling against Gavin’s hold.

  Ryder’s head swung around to look at me. Anger blazed from his eyes, seeing Gavin’s arm around my middle, but I also saw confusion. He doesn’t know what is happening!

  Seeing an opportunity, Cash rushed Ryder but forgot who he was dealing with. Ryder was an expert fighter, a deadly match that rarely lost. Someone that left broken bones and bruised prides.

  Ryder glanced away from me seconds before Cash tackled him. Raising his fist, Ryder put power behind his punch, connecting with Cash’s face as Cash came at him. But Cash was a bulldog after a bone; he wasn’t giving up. Recovering from the blow, his arm wrapped around Ryder’s middle, throwing him back against the nightstand.

  Ryder let out a hiss of pain as his healing back crashed into a useless lamp. It tilted then fell to the floor, forgotten as the fight continued. Ryder roared and brought his fists up to pound Cash in the side of the head, ignoring Brody and Eva as they rushed into the room.

  Cash ducked, trying to avoid Ryder’s punches. Ryder swung again, not giving up. His fist grazed the side of Cash’s head, barely missing an ear. But Cash stayed on him like a bad rash that wouldn’t go away.

  “Let me the fuck loose!” Ryder shouted, trying to push Cash off when he wrapped his arms around Ryder, squeezing tight like a python squeezing his dinner.

  “Calm down, Ryder!” Cash yelled, ducking when Ryder got loose and tried throwing another punch.

  “Let me go, Gavin!” I screamed, watching as Cash brought his fists up and nailed Ryder on the side of the head.

  “NO!” Gavin yelled, holding me tight as I struggled against him.

  “I’m going to kill you!” Ryder roared, pushing Cash out of the way. Rushing toward us, his deadly stare focused on his brother. “Back away from her, Gavin!”

  Roger propped his gun against the doorframe and awkwardly ran across the room, the arthritis in his knees bothering him in the cold weather. He grabbed Ryder by the upper arms, hauling him back to the edge of the bed. Brody jumped into the mix, standing in front of Ryder with his solid body.

  Seeing them wrestle Ryder down made tears roll down my cheeks. It became hard to breathe. Hard to not hurt when I saw Ryder filled with so much pain and anger.

  He fought them, his eyes swinging to me every few seconds, full of desperation and fury. I tried to go to him but Gavin stepped in front of me, blocking my view.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  I nodded, too upset to answer.

  “Maddie!” Eva exclaimed, rushing to me. “Did he hurt you? Because I swear…”

  I interrupted her. “I’m fine, Eva,” I said around my tears, watching as Janice ran into the room. I could still hear Ryder struggling to get away, yelling at everyone to get their hands off of him.

  “You sure he didn’t hurt you?” Gavin asked, his eyes running over my face.

  “I just hit my head,” I answered, trying to see around Gavin.

  “I told him if he ever hurt you, I’d kill him,” Eva said, pivoting around. “PTSD or not.”

  Before I knew what she was doing, she flew across the room.

  I looked around Gavin just as she stopped in front of Ryder. Pulling back her fist, she let it fly, punching him in the nose.

  “EVA!” I screamed, watching as Ryder’s head snapped back.

  “That’s for hurting my best friend,” she spit before walking away. “Next time I’ll aim lower.”

  Ryder’s attention zeroed in on me, his face paling at Eva’s words. He didn’t try to fight as Cash and Brody held his arms.

  Gavin stepped in front of me, blocking my view of Ryder. His hand went to my waist, holding me still.

  “Let me check your head,” he said. Before I could protest, he started running a hand through my hair, checking for injuries on the crown of my head.

  “Is she hurt? Fuck! Someone tell me if she’s hurt!” Ryder yelled. I peeked around Gavin and saw the frantic look in Ryder’s eyes as he struggled against Brody and Cash. He became a wild man, fighting to reach me.

  “Ryder, calm down before you open those stitches back up!” his mom scolded, not afraid of Ryder’s wrath. When her hands touched the broken skin above his eyebrow, he stopped struggling.

>   Ryder’s eyes never left mine as he moved his mother’s hands away carefully. He started to take a step toward me but Cash stopped him, holding him back.

  “Maddie, talk to me,” Ryder said, his hands dropping to his sides.

  “Come on,” Gavin muttered, taking my arm and pulling me toward the door. “He’s too unpredictable.”

  “No!” I cried, trying to escape Gavin’s hold.

  “Don’t touch her!” Ryder roared, struggling against Cash and Brody.

  “Let me go, Gavin!” I shrieked, trying to pull my arm away from his firm hold.

  “No, stay away from him!” Gavin yelled. “He’s screwed up! You can’t be around him until he’s right in the head!”

  I yanked my arm away, tired of Gavin’s hands on me. Tired of this life. Of being separated from Ryder. Tired of what this war was doing to us.

  I turned, my long hair flying through the air. Rushing across the room, I pushed past Janice and shoved past Brody and Cash. I needed to be beside Ryder. I had to let him know that I was okay. That we would be okay.

  As soon as I was in front of him, I wrapped my arms around his neck. Rising on my tiptoes, I buried my face against his chest. He was hot, burning against my cheek. His chest rose and fell, breathing hard. I could feel his heartbeat beneath my ear, a quick thumping that matched my own.

  Ryder went deathly still, the fight leaving him. All the tension in his body evaporated as my body pressed against his.

  “Let me go. Just let me go,” he said hoarsely, begging the men to release him.

  Slowly, making sure he wouldn’t make any sudden moves, Cash and Brody let Ryder go, still ready to pounce on him if they needed to.

  They didn’t.

  Ryder’s arms wrapped around me, holding me like I might break.

  “What happened?” he muttered against my hair, rubbing a hand down my back.

  I shook my head, refusing to tell him. Tears ran down my cheeks. He was hurting. I wanted to take away his pain. I wanted to make it mine so he didn’t have to deal with it.

  “You okay, Maddie?” Cash asked, standing a few feet away.

  I nodded against Ryder’s chest, refusing to move.

  “Why don’t you sleep somewhere else tonight so Ryder can rest,” Janice said behind me.

  “No,” I muttered against his chest at the same time he said no. I heard Janice sigh with resignation. I didn’t care what any of them thought; I wasn’t leaving him.

  A minute later, I heard the bedroom door close. We were alone.

  Pulling away so that he could see my face, Ryder looked down at me. “What happened?”

  I shook my head, avoiding his eyes. I can’t do this. I can’t hurt him more. If he knows he scared me, it will kill him.

  “Maddie, talk to me,” he repeated, his hand going beneath my hair to cup my nape.

  I took a deep breath. Just like always, I couldn’t resist him.

  “You were having a nightmare…”

  “Yeah, I remember,” he said when I paused. “The terrorists were beating me and I was trying to escape. But it was only a…” He stopped, frowning. “What did I do? Eva said I hurt you.”

  “You thought I was one of them.”

  “Oh, shit!” he swore, letting go of me to plunge both of his hands through his hair. Turning away, he started pacing back and forth in the small bedroom, looking like a caged animal.

  “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” he spit.

  I flinched, tears in my eyes. I didn’t want him to hurt. I hated to see him suffer.

  He paced, wearing a path on the hardwood floor. We were standing in his childhood bedroom, the place where we used to play. The place where we told secrets and laughed as kids. Where we made dreams and talked about the future. Now here we were, not laughing. Not talking about the future. Just falling apart together.

  Abruptly Ryder stopped, towering over me in the darkness. Through the moonlight, I could see the tautness in his body and the firm set of his jaw.

  “Did I hurt you? The baby?” he asked, his voice scratchy. Fragmented.

  “No.”

  “Then why was Gavin checking your head? He was touching you. His damn hands were in your hair, like they belonged there,” he said, taking a step toward me.

  I looked away, biting my lower lip with nervousness. Worry made it hard to answer and hard to breathe.

  “Oh, shit! I did hurt you, didn’t I? Eva was right.”

  Despair crossed his face. His hands went back into his hair, his knuckles white as they grasped fistfuls of the light brown strands. Suddenly, he let go of his hair and took two swift steps until he was in front of me, inches away.

  “I’m sorry, Maddie. God, I’m so sorry,” he said, looking at me with bleak eyes. “You’re the one person I never wanted to hurt. The one person that means the most to me.”

  “Ryder, I’m okaaay.”

  “If I ever hurt you…” his voice trailed off. Spreading his legs, he gathered me close to him. His arms enclosed around me, his hands cradling my head.

  For what seemed like eternity, he just held me. Time ticked away. Everything disappeared. The war, his nightmares, my worries - they vanished. It was just the two of us. Best friends. Two people still believing in love, still believing in friendship. I would do anything for him; he would do anything for me. He held me like I was his only lifeline. His only link to the present, his only link to the past. His only hope. My only future.

  Finally, his voice rumbled against me, breaking the silence. “Every day, I sat in that hellhole, beaten and barely holding on. Watching people die around me. But when I closed my eyes, there was only you, Maddie. You made me survive. They couldn’t break me. They tried. Hell, they tried so damn hard, but they couldn’t take the memory of you away from me.”

  His hands moved to my neck, his thumbs brushing against my skin. His eyes followed the movement, watching me under the moonlight.

  “Thoughts of you are what carried me home. I had to see and touch you one more time. I survived because of you. I’m here because of you. It’s always been because of you.”

  Leaning down, his lips captured mine with tenderness that made me want to cry. His hands moved to cradle my face as he placed small kisses in the corner of my mouth, taking his time.

  “I asked God for one more time with you. I begged for another second beside you. Another night inside of you,” he said, brushing a thumb across my lower lip. Lifting his head, he watched as my tongue darted out to taste the salt left behind from his skin.

  “But I don’t want to hurt you, Maddie. I’m broken. I always have been. My own mother didn’t want me. You need to stay away. For your own safety.” His eyes looked deep into mine, his next words so low I almost didn’t hear them.

  “Leave me. Run as fast as you can.”

  “Never,” I whispered. “I’m not running unless it’s to you.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Ryder’s nightmares continued. Sometimes, he just struggled in bed, fighting invisible forces. Other times, he screamed at them, begging them not to hurt him. I sat by his side through it all, refusing to leave. Refusing to be scared. I held him when he woke up, sweating and shaking. I cried when I saw the terror in his eyes.

  But I never gave up on him.

  When Ryder seemed better, we all moved to his house, even Janice and Roger. It was safer, more secure that way. We were further back on the property, hidden from the main road.

  I remembered the numerous times I had spent in his home. We were just two friends having a good time. Wanting each other secretly and doing nothing about it. Now there was nothing secret about it.

  Ryder’s arm slid around my waist, pulling me closer to him. My back was flush against his chest, my body fitting to his perfectly. From behind me, he lowered the collar of my shirt down, placing his lips on my bare shoulder. A tingle went through me, making me wiggle against him. His lips traveled up the back of my neck, pushing my hair out of the way to reach the spot behind my ear. When his hand reache
d beneath my shirt, I arched into him. My bottom pressed into his crotch, finding him hard.

  I closed my eyes as his lips discovered every inch of my neck. He ran his hand over my stomach and up toward my breasts. It had almost reached its destination when someone knocked loudly on the closed bedroom door.

  We both froze.

  The person knocked again, louder this time.

  “Are y’all going to sleep all day and let us do all the work around here or are you two gonna get up?” Brody’s voice shouted from the other side of the door.

  “Hell,” Ryder muttered against my skin, sending a shiver through me. “We really need the house to ourselves. Maybe for a few days or a week?”

  He was right. It was crowded and loud. But there was an unspoken agreement between all of us; we didn’t separate. We stuck together. We survived together. We leaned on each other and protected each other. We had been doing it for months and we wouldn’t stop now despite the crowded living quarters.

  Everyone had bedded down in the living room, sharing the heat from the fireplace. Ryder insisted that the two of us stay in his room. Over the last few nights, we had kept each other warm. And tired.

  Brody knocked again, growing impatient.

  Ryder growled with fake rage and rubbed his whiskered chin against the soft skin of my shoulder, making me giggle and try to wiggle away. He kept me close, refusing to let me go.

  “I had big plans for the other parts of the house,” he said, pushing up to lean over me. His hands went to the bed on either side of my body, keeping me pinned in beneath him.

  For the millionth time in my life, I was spellbound. In awe. Mesmerized. This man - a hard, sometimes angry, dangerous, fight-to-the-death man loved me. Me. His best friend. A man who women swooned over. A man who grown men feared. A man that had the bluest eyes, the most rugged, good-looking face and body that I had ever seen. He. Loved. Me.

  He wasn’t perfect. He had a past to get over. A mother that didn’t want him. Believing he never belonged. Thinking he could never be good enough for me. Fighting. Drinking. Screwing around. He was tainted but I loved him anyway. It was easier to do than he thought.

  Reaching out, I ran a hand over the coarse whiskers that had grown on his jaw over the last few days. I loved the feeling of roughness against my fingers. It reminded me of us; roughness against softness.