Undo Me

  Only for him.

  He pulled back a little, resting his forehead on mine to look into my eyes. To cripple me in ways I never thought possible. There was a hunger in his glare that I couldn’t quite place, he wasn’t even touching me and yet I still felt him all over. Both of us were panting, our breathing mirroring one another’s, our hearts escalating higher and higher and beating beside each other.

  So intense.

  So consuming.

  So mind-blowing.

  In that second, in that minute, in that hour… I wanted him.

  I wanted his touch, I wanted his kiss, I wanted his taste, I wanted all his movements, all his adoration and his love, all his devotion, his laugh, his smile, everything, anything.

  Every. Last. Part.

  Him.

  I reached for the front of his shirt, unbuttoning it and pulling it away from his body and he let me. I touched the pulse of his neck, down to his heart, passed his taut abs until I reached his belt. The warmth and velvetiness of his skin made my sex clench and my stomach flutter. The butterfly feeling never got old. It was becoming one of my favorite feelings.

  A feeling only he could ignite in me.

  I gasped when he unexpectedly gripped my hand, stopping me.

  “Are you sure?” he huskily rasped, my favorite sound in the world.

  Before I could assure him, tell him what I felt so deeply in my heart, tell him how much he meant to me, how much I wanted to be his and only his, how much I wanted him to undo me.

  Own me.

  He hoarsely murmured against my lips, “Suga’ once I start there will be no going back. I won’t stop until I’ve explored every last inch of your flesh… until I’m etched so far into your heart that you’ll never be able to touch your skin and not feel me.”

  With wide eyes I swallowed hard and breathed out, “Promise?”

  “Always.”

  He let go of my hand and I unclasped his belt, next were his slacks, pulling them apart and lowering the zipper. Before I could touch him where I really wanted to, where I had been craving since the second I saw him in his black tuxedo, he slapped my hand away.

  “This isn’t about me. This is about you.”

  His gaze set me on fire, my heart kicked into overdrive. I loved having him look at me like that. Knowing I never wanted him to stop looking at me in that way, the way that made me feel like we were the only two people in the world, like I was the only girl in the world. He had my heart in his hands, to do what he pleased with.

  I knew right then and there that I would never be able to go without him.

  He licked his lips and leaned in to kiss me. The second his tongue touched mine, it turned into its own moment, its own creation, its own world. His body fell forward and mine backward, pushing me further into my mattress. My legs spread wider and he readily lay in between them, placing all his weight on his arms that were cradling my face. The room was dim, but I could sense him everywhere and all at once.

  “You’re so fucking beautiful, Aubrey. So damn beautiful,” he groaned into the side of my neck as he placed soft kisses down to my cleavage and toward my nipple. He sucked it into his mouth as his hand caressed my other breast, leaving me withering beneath him. Chills running up and down my waiting body. My back arched off the bed, wanting more and he obliged. I could feel his erection on my wet core as he purposely moved his hips, grinding against my heat, creating a delicious tingling that I felt all over.

  I sucked in my bottom lip to conceal the moan that was about to escape.

  “Darlin’, I want you to make every fucking noise possible. Do you understand me?”

  I moaned in response and it earned me a forceful yet tender caress of his hand against my clit. He manipulated my bundle of nerves and within minutes my legs started to shake and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. He effortlessly made his way down my body, pushing his fingers into my opening and sucking on my nub in a back and forth motion.

  My hands immediately gripped his hair and he grunted in satisfaction. I couldn’t take it anymore, the room started to spin and my breathing faltered.

  “Hmm… ah… mmm…” I exhaled.

  The next thing I knew, he was kissing me, and I tasted myself all over his mouth. It was intoxicating as much as it was arousing. He knew my body better than I did, spending hours upon hours exploring it until he memorized every last curve.

  I heard a rustling of some sort and opened my eyes to see that he was opening a condom as he kicked off his slacks and boxer briefs. I watched with fascinated eyes as he rolled it up his big, hard cock, barely being able to contain my need for his body to once again be on top of mine.

  He kissed me again, giving me exactly what I craved and placed the tip of his dick at my opening.

  “I love you,” he whispered in between kissing me.

  “I love you, too. More than anything,” I murmured, not breaking our kiss and eye contact.

  I moved my hips, beckoning him to keep going. He still didn’t move and I started to worry, but when I felt his hand move lower and toward my clit, I began to relax. His fingers played my over-stimulated nub and seconds later he slowly started to ease his way inside me. The sensations of his fingers replaced the uncomfortable feeling of his thrusts.

  I was done for.

  There would be no coming back from him.

  I was his.

  Exactly the way I wanted.

  “Are you okay?” I groaned into her mouth.

  “Hmm…”

  “You’re so fucking tight, so fuckin’ good. Your pussy was made for me, baby.”

  Nothing compared or even came close to the feeling of Aubrey, to the sensations that only she stirred within me. This was more than just sex, more than just two bodies coming together, more than anything I’ve ever experienced before.

  This was her.

  Mine.

  I patiently move in inch by inch, taking her slowly and cherishing her like she deserved, like I had wanted to for so damn long. Her body was mine to do with what I pleased and my heart was hers for eternity.

  Her back subtly arched.

  “Almost there, baby.” I thrust in a little more. “I love you,” I reminded, wanting to give her a bit of comfort.

  “Mmmm…” was all she could reply.

  I took a moment when I was fully inside her, to savor the feeling, not stopping the friction of my fingers against her clit.

  “Open your eyes. Let me see your eyes.”

  She did.

  “There’s my girl.”

  I moved my fingers faster, gradually thrusting in and out. She was so fucking tight, so fucking wet, and so fucking perfect. I kissed her, savoring the velvety feel of my mouth claiming hers. My thumb brushed against her cheek and she smiled. I kissed the tip of her nose, thrusting a little faster.

  “You feel me inside you?” I growled into her mouth. “You feel that?” I thrust in harder, manipulated her clit with the sway of my hips.

  I positioned my knee a little higher and her leg inclined with mine. Her breathing elevated and I knew I was hitting her sweet spot better from that angle. I gently grabbed the back of her neck to keep our eyes locked. My forehead hovered above hers as we caught our breaths, trying to find a unison rhythm, as I brought her lips to meet mine, pushing my tongue into her waiting mouth. My thrusts became harder and rougher, her body responding to everything I was giving. Everything I was taking… She was claiming me, too. Our bodies moved like we were made for each other.

  Her eyes dilated in pleasure but also in pain. I immediately lapped at her breasts not being able to get enough of her.

  “Dylan,” she breathed out and I swear my cock got harder.

  I moved back up to her face and our mouths were parted as we both panted profusely, not being able to control the thoughts that were wreaking havoc on our souls. Desperately trying to cling onto every sensation of our skin-on-skin contact, I felt myself start to come apart and she was right there with me.

  “I love you,”
she repeated over and over, climaxing all down my shaft and taking me right over with her. I shook with my release and passionately claimed her mouth once again. She returned every ounce of emotion I was giving her.

  We stayed like that for I don’t know how long. I kissed all around her face, her neck, and her breasts before I got up to go to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and when I came back she was in the exact same position I left her, looking up at the ceiling with a glow about her I had never seen before.

  I grabbed her ankle, tugging her toward me and she shrieked in response.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Taking care of what’s mine.”

  I carried her into the shower and did just that.

  I wish I could tell you that things got better.

  I wish I could tell you that nothing changed between us.

  I wish I could tell you a lot of things.

  But I couldn’t.

  I can’t.

  I never regretted the decision to give Dylan my virginity. I never regretted meeting him or being with him, I never regretted anything that ever happened between us, not for one second.

  No regrets.

  I loved him.

  I love him.

  The night we made love it changed so many things that I never expected to change. That I didn’t even think would be possible, and that I sure as hell never contemplated for one damn second.

  That it could change everything.

  Every smile.

  Every laugh.

  Every touch.

  Every. Single. I. Love. You.

  For the first time in my life I realized what it was like to truly give yourself to someone. To open your heart to the possibility of love and happiness and everything that comes along with it.

  All of the stuff that filled the spaces in between.

  The good.

  The bad.

  The love…

  It had been a few days since we made love and I was still riding the high feeling of bliss. Late one night when I was alone, an unfamiliar sound woke me from a dead sleep. I followed the noise down the stairs and found my mom crying to the point she couldn’t breathe.

  “Mom?” I called out as if I were a child, standing in the archway that led into the dining room.

  She immediately wiped her face, trying to hide the evidence of her meltdown. It was no use her mascara ran everywhere causing black streaks down her face. Nothing could take away the vision of the strong woman crumbling to pieces before my very own eyes.

  “I’m fine, honey, go back to bed,” she spoke in between sobs.

  “What are you doing home? Shouldn’t you be at the hospital?”

  She shook her head. “Aubrey, go to your room please. I’m fine.”

  “I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on.” I stepped closer, not backing down.

  It was then that I noticed the open bottle of wine on the table. My mother never drank and it was blatantly obvious that she was drunk.

  “Is dad… is dad okay?” I asked, with tears filling my own eyes, my mind running wild.

  She immediately broke down, uncontrollably bawling. Her body shaking and shuddering so hard, I rushed to her side, bending down and closing her in with my arms, holding on for dear life. She shook even harder. I found it hard to breathe from the force of her crying. I would never forget what it felt like to try to hold my mother together while she fell apart in my arms.

  “Shhh… it’s okay, Mom. Feel me… follow my voice. It’s going to be okay,” I reassured her with the same soothing tone Dylan had used on me the day I told him the truth. Gently, I stroked her hair, rocking us back and forth, desperately wanting to give her any comfort that I could.

  “No! It’s not, Aubrey, it’s never going to be okay! I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that I ruined everything! It’s all my fault!” she wallowed against me.

  “It’s fine, Mom, just try to calm down please.” I begged and pleaded with her.

  “I can’t! Please forgive me! I’m begging you to please forgive me!”

  “Of course I will,” I replied with tears falling down my face. I couldn’t hold them in any longer. “What’s going on? You’re scaring me. Please tell me what’s going on?”

  “I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could go back in time and make it all better but I can’t. I will never be able to. He left me and he’s never coming back. There’s nothing I can do about it anymore.”

  “Dad? Mom he left—”

  “I held him back, Aubrey! He wanted to do so much with his life and I just held him back to fulfill my dreams and to do what I wanted. I never let him have a choice. Not once. It was always about me. I was selfish, Aubrey. I loved him so much and he sacrificed everything for me. I could see it in his eyes. He wanted more out of life, out of what I could give him, but I didn’t care. I made him choose me!” she uncontrollably wept.

  “We were so fucking young. I didn’t know any better. I thought our love could make it through anything, but I was wrong. He gave up everything for me, but he said he wanted to. He made me believe he did. I should have known. I just never thought it would ever get to this point.”

  “Mom, I—”

  “He resented me, Aubrey. When I realized it, I tried to make it better. Why do you think he went back to school? I thought if he did something he loved, it would fix things, but it only became worse. Our dynamic changed. I wasn’t the provider anymore and I didn’t know how to share that with him. I felt like in his eyes I wasn’t doing a good job, like I failed at that too. It was just too much to handle. All we did was fight all the time. I didn’t know how to make it better, I didn’t know how to be a wife or a mother, I didn’t know anything anymore.”

  I pulled away from her, needing to look into her eyes. She looked so broken, so alone, even though I was right there with her.

  “Mom, you didn’t do—”

  They say that everything happens for a reason. That your life could change in an instance, in one moment in time and you never even see it coming. There was no preparing for it. No battle to be won. I thought this was my moment.

  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  “I did, Aubrey. I failed at everything. I’m still failing. I was at the hospital working my shift and I got served with papers today. Your father wants a divorce. It’s over.”

  That night changed everything for me.

  There was no going back.

  Only moving forward.

  I held my mom in my arms until she passed out from the exhaustion of her tears. I stayed there all night with her mourning the cost of her mistakes. I finally put her to bed when the sun came up. I never told Dylan that my father wanted a divorce. My mom and I never discussed that night again either. There was no point, the damage was done.

  For both of our lives.

  Summer went flying by. I blinked and we were almost through Dylan’s senior year of high school, my junior year. He had applied to several colleges all around the states and got accepted to most of them. He asked me my opinion on every last one, what I thought, what I wanted, where he should go, what was best for us. It was constant, over and over again. Every month became every week and soon it was a daily question. Each time he asked me my heart broke a little more, screaming at me to tell him what I needed.

  The truth.

  Except I never did.

  I never could.

  I smiled and told him that he had to choose for himself, that I couldn’t make the decision for him. Which only led to us arguing, a lot. We fought more than we should about the little things because we couldn’t fight about the big things. I couldn’t confront the elephant in the room.

  That he was leaving me.

  Like my dad did to my mom.

  Like my dad did to me.

  I wasn't going to make the same mistakes as my mom. I wasn’t going to hold him back, even if I wanted to and ask him to stay…

  Would he?

  I was afraid to find out the answer. He
may not leave today, or tomorrow, but someday he would and the vicious cycle would repeat itself.

  I know you’re asking yourself why I couldn’t just tell him that. Why I couldn’t just open my mouth and be honest with him. Tell him what I felt, every last insecurity that was buried deep within my bones, harboring to the point of pain, what was really going on.

  See, love is a beautiful thing.

  It builds you up so high until you reach the end and there’s nowhere else to go, but down. I was only seventeen, but felt much older. Mature beyond my years. It had always been that way for me, having to grow up fast and mostly alone. You don’t realize how much of your childhood affects the person you become, the person you are. How memories shape your life, your feelings, and most importantly your love.

  The struggle between the things we could change but didn’t want too, versus the things we could change but didn’t know how too.

  I was terrified if I told him what I needed, he would leave me anyways. Except the inevitable would take much longer, like a ticking time bomb located in the center of my heart just waiting to go off and leave me broken. Days, months, years of getting closer and closer to him, building a life with him, for what? Eventually that love he had for me, for us, would turn into resentment for holding him back, not letting him accomplish his dreams and goals. Our love would die like a plant that I spent years and years showering with tender love and care.

  I couldn’t do it.

  I’d rather him leave me now.

  Then hate me later.

  I would become my mother.

  There was no way in hell I could go through that again. Once was enough. Twice would be unbearable. I also couldn’t just walk away from him. I would love him until he left me because either way.