Don't Make Me Beautiful

  When the door shuts, Nicole grabs the phone. “How do I take it off speakerphone?”

  Brian uses his stick to point it out to her.

  “Gary, hi, this is Nicole.”

  “Are you sitting? You should probably be sitting.”

  She shuffles through the bits of sawdust and wood corners to the garage steps and takes a seat. “Can I just say how much I hate it when you say that? Go ahead. I’m sitting.”

  “I’m sorry, I just don’t want you passing out and falling on your new face. That not beautiful face of yours.”

  She smiles at his efforts. “Just tell me, Gary. It can’t possibly be worse than what I’ve been imagining.”

  “Okay, so here’s the latest. Do not freak out until I’m done, okay?”

  “Okay.” Sweat breaks out under her arms and across her upper lip. Nicole feels like it is very possible she could experience a heart attack over this news, whatever it is. “I just need to know if she’s alive. Before you tell me anything else, tell me that.”

  “We have reason to think that she is.”

  Nicole gasps and squeaks at the same time, her hand flying to her mouth. She feels like she’s going to throw up.

  “…But we don’t know for sure, so don’t freak out. Are you okay? Can I continue?”

  Nicole nods, but then realizes he can’t see that. “Yeah.” She barely gets the word out.

  “The police pulled John’s phone records. There was one number he called a lot, but it was to one of those throw-away phones.”

  Nicole hisses with anger. “Those things should be against the law.”

  “Yeah, let’s just throw the Constitution in the garbage too, all that privacy crap really gets in the way.”

  “Spare me the lawyer stuff and just give me the news, would you please?” Nicole loves her attorney, but he does cling to his precious privacy laws a little too much sometimes.

  “The thing is, they figured out where the phone was purchased, so they went to the store and got copies of the store’s surveillance tapes. The clerk watched them with the cops and remembered the girl who bought the phone because she had a crying baby with her, and it was the smallest baby he’d ever seen. That’s what he actually said. And when he pointed it out, just a passing comment, the girl freaked.”

  “Who is she? What was she like? Is she the one from the picture? Was she mean to him? To the baby? Did you see the tapes?” All Nicole can picture right now is a tweaked-out druggie for some reason. Baby stealer! Kidnapper! Murderer!

  “I’m getting to that. I thought you wanted the whole story.”

  “I do.” Nicole doesn’t push him for the ending because she’s worried it’s going to get worse than this already is.

  “A sketch artist put together a picture of her and the clerk working at the smoothie place next door recognized her as a regular customer. It’s pretty close to the photo Brian found, but the hair is different. A detective working the case brought in a picture of John, and the clerk said they did come in together sometimes.”

  “What about Kitten?” Nicole asks, trying to speak past being nearly breathless with worry. “Did he see her too?”

  “He has seen her before, but he couldn’t say when the last time was.”

  “Shit! Dammit!” Nicole holds the phone with a death grip.

  “I told you not to freak out yet.”

  “How can I not freak at that? She could be sick right now! She could be …” Nicole can’t bring herself to say the word. Dead. Murdered. Buried. They’re so close and yet still so far. She wants to scream with the unfairness of it.

  Gary continues his story, ignoring her outburst. “They have a detective at the smoothie place. He’ll be there with backup for the next three days.”

  “Why only three days?” she asks, panicking as she pictures this woman, whoever she is, taking a break from smoothies. That would be Nicole’s luck, that the woman would finally decide she’d rather have a caramel macchiato instead.

  “Because, that’s all they have the budget for. Stakeouts are expensive.”

  “Fuck expensive! I’ll pay for it! I’ll use every last penny of that trust money if I have to!”

  “You can’t do that. But if you would just be patient and relax…”

  “What?! Are you insane?”

  Brian steps over, taking off his rubber gloves and holding out his hand. “Can I talk to him?”

  Nicole slaps the phone into Brian’s outstretched hand. “Yes. Talk to him. I can’t do it anymore.” She jumps up and runs into the house. She skids to a halt when she sees Liam sitting on the floor, pushing his truck around with a sad expression on his face.

  Her heart that a moment ago felt like it was swelling to the point of explosion shrinks down like a leaky balloon. “What’s the matter, little man?”

  “I don’t know. I’m just sad.” His bottom lip comes out in a pout.

  She walks over and sits down next to him, focusing all her attention on him instead of her broken heart. “Tell me about it.”

  “I heard you yelling, and you never yell. And my daddy never yells. And it just makes me sad because I know that it means you’re mad.”

  Nicole feels like utter crap. As bad as her life is right now, it’s not fair of her to put any of it on this little guy - her hero, the one who rescued her from hell. “I’m not mad, Liam, I promise. I’m just frustrated.”

  He looks up at her, his face screwed up in concentration. “Frusterated?”

  “Frus-tra-ted,” she says slowly and carefully so he can copy it.

  “That’s what I said.”

  She smiles. “It means I wish I could control some things in my life, but right now those things aren’t controllable.”

  He hands her the remote for his truck. “Maybe you can use this? It makes my truck go right where I want it to go.” He leans over and points to the tiny wheel. “If you wanna go that way, then you turn it like this.” He twists the wheel. “And if you want it to go back, you push that thing there.” He points to it. “Try it. You can do it. You’re very smart.”

  Nicole’s smile wavers a little as tears battle to come to the surface. She won’t let them, though. She doesn’t want to ruin this moment with Liam. “Like this?”

  He grins up at her, his face practically glowing. “You did it! See! You can control stuff. You just need a controller like I have.” He looks down at it and goes serious, biting his lip for a second. “I don’t really need it right now. You can borrow it if you want.”

  Nicole sets the remote down on the ground and pulls him into a hug. He happily climbs into her lap and wraps his skinny arms around her back.

  “You are the nicest little boy in the entire world, you know that?”

  “Really?” he asks. “Cuz my mom says that the world is a very big place and there are a jillion million billion dillion people on it.”

  “You must also be very good at math,” Nicole says, smiling as she kisses his head.

  “I am. I can add and subtract and multiply and add and multiply.”

  “That’s a lot of stuff. Maybe you can help me with your daddy’s books.”

  “Are you going to stay with us forever?” Liam asks. He doesn’t lift his head or move. It’s like he’s asking what’s for dinner or what temperature it is outside.

  Nicole is taken aback by the honesty there and the complete lack of lead-up, not to mention the worry and concern that he must be feeling but trying not to show. “Do you want me to?”

  “Yes.” He squeezes her harder. “I want you to stay forever and ever and ever.”

  She so badly wants to ask him if having a little girl there as part of the package would make a difference to him, but they’ve kept the story of Kitten from him just in case it has a sad ending. The boy’s been traumatized enough having met John.

  “Well, that’s very sweet. And I can’t promise anything, because a lot of it is up to your dad, but if I can stay I will.”

  Brian’s voice comes from over her sho
ulder. “As far as I’m concerned, you can stay here forever.” He walks over and sits down next to them, putting his arm over her shoulders and drawing her close. “I can’t imagine this place without you anymore and I don’t want to.”

  “Me neither,” says Liam, detaching himself from the grownups and going back to pushing his truck around.

  Brian lets her go and stands, holding out his hand. “Come with me,” he says, looking down at Nicole.

  She takes his hand and stands. “Where are we going?”

  “Outside. I want to show you something.”

  Nicole follows him out to the backyard where they sit down on the back step. She looks out over the lawn and waits for him to say something. But he remains totally silent, resting his folded arms on bent knees.

  “So what is it you wanted to show me?” she asks, looking at him. He’s so close she can smell his laundry soap on his shirt and the scent that is uniquely him. Warm. Strong. Like a man with a giant heart.

  “This.” He pulls something out of his front pocket and holds it up in front of the both of them. He does it casually, like it’s going to be a rock he found or a coin. But it’s neither of those things. It’s a box. A velvet box.

  “What’s that?” Nicole asks, her heart fluttering. No one has ever put a box like that in front of her.

  “This,” he says, as he props it open, “is a ring.”

  She swallows with difficulty. “It looks like an engagement ring.”

  “That’s because it is,” he says.

  She tries to sound natural, but it’s impossible. Her throat is closing up, so her voice comes out sounding strangled. “Is it for Helen?”

  Brian twists his head and looks at her, one half of his mouth lifted in the slightest of grins. “Are you serious?”

  She says nothing.

  “Do you honestly think, after having mind-blowing sex with you just last night, and begging you to stay with me for over a month, that I’d go out and buy a ring like this for Helen?”

  Tears well up in her eyes. “No?”

  “I sure hope not.” He gets up off the steps and stands in front of her. As he lowers himself down onto one knee, he says, “Nicole, your face is the first one I want to see when I wake up, and the last one I want to see before I fall asleep. And I felt that way about you before you had your surgery. I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t need to feel love for a certain number of months or years before I know it’s real and it’s lasting. I only know how to love one way, and that’s forever.”

  “But you divorced Helen.”

  “And yet, I still love her. We just can’t be together like that anymore. I learned a few things about myself when I was with her, and one of those things is that I can love a woman as a friend, and I can love a woman as my soulmate. She was always just a friend.”

  “And I’m … your soulmate? Me?”

  “I believe you are. The question is, do you believe I’m yours? Because if you do, then I suggest you ask me to marry you.”

  She frowns through her tears, not sure she heard right. “But … you bought a ring.”

  “Right. I figure we’ll do this thing fifty-fifty. I bought the ring, you pop the question. Whenever you’re ready, though. No pressure.”

  She laughs. She can’t help it. “You are completely ridiculous.”

  He grins back at her. “Yeah, I’ve heard that before. But it makes sense, right? Equal commitment to the deal. It takes two to make a thing go right.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “It takes two to make it out of sight?”

  “Aw yeah,” he says. “See? We were totally meant to be. Kicking it old school, Wonder Twin powers, activate.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “Crazy with the math. I go halfway, you go halfway, and together, we go all the way.”

  “I can see you share the same math-brain as your son.”

  “The kid is brilliant.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  His smile fades into earnestness, and her heart drops as she takes in his expression.

  “No matter what happens with Kitten, I want to be there for you. For her. For all of us. Let’s make this a family officially. What do you say?”

  “Are you asking me to marry you?”

  “No, I’m trying to convince you to ask me.”

  So many thoughts are warring for attention in her head. Even John’s voice is there, shouting from a distance that she’s his wife.

  But none of it matters. What matters is that for the first time in her life, she feels like she’s part of a real family. And the idea of no longer having Brian or Liam in her life makes her positively ill.

  “I’m just worried that my feelings for you are too wrapped up in what you’ve done for me,” she says.

  “What do you mean?”

  She sighs, frustrated with her inability to express what she’s thinking. “I’m just … worried that I love you because you saved me.” She can’t look at him; the shame is too great. It’s as if she’s insulted his feelings and her own, making them less somehow.

  He uses a finger under her chin to lift her gaze. “Come on now, you don’t really believe that do you?”

  She shrugs. “No. But maybe.”

  “It’s not this face you love?” He points to his chin.

  She smiles a little. “I do love that face.”

  “What about these guns?” he asks, giving her a bicep curl.

  “Oh, I do love the guns, that’s true.”

  “Need I remind you of the back view?” He gets up and turns around, looking at her over his shoulder.

  “You do have a nice rearview, that’s for sure.” Her cheeks heat up as he turns around and she’s faced with another part of him she’s pretty partial to.

  “Look at me,” he says.

  She tilts her head up. The sun coming from behind him makes a halo of light appear all around his head. “And what about how you feel when I hold you in these arms?” He holds them out, the ring box in one hand and nothing in the other.

  She stands and walks into the embrace. “I feel like I’m loved and I love you back when I’m in these arms.” She closes her eyes and inhales, letting her breath out slowly and letting it bring all her misgivings with it.

  “Yeah, that’s my girl,” he says, holding her close as he dips his head down to her shoulder. “I’m going to keep this ring for as long as I need to. Whenever you’re ready, you do what you need to do.”

  “No pressure?” she asks, smiling at the audacity of that statement, while also not caring that he’s standing there waiting for her to take the second biggest step she’s ever taken in her life.

  “No pressure,” he confirms.

  His phone buzzes in his pocket, but he ignores it.

  “Answer that,” Nicole says, whispering in his ear.

  “I can’t. I’m in a dream right now,” he whispers back.

  “But what if it’s about Kitten?” She gets nervous just thinking about it and backs out of his arms.

  He sighs heavily as he pulls the phone out of his pocket. “This is going to be bad, isn’t it? All this waiting and not knowing.”

  “Pure torture. Now answer that.” She points at the phone, afraid to touch it or even look at the caller ID.

  “Brian.”

  His face goes immediately serious.

  “Yeah, Gary, what’s up?”

  Nicole puts her face next to his and her ear to his phone, trying to listen with him. Gary’s voice is tiny, but she can hear what he’s saying.

  “They got her! They got the woman, and she had a baby girl with her!”

  “That fast? What the…” Brian is speechless. He leans in closer to Nicole so she can hear better, wrapping his arm around her lower back.

  “They took the woman into custody and called me right away. The baby’s being put in protective custody.”

  “I want her!” Nicole shrieks.

  “Shhhh, shhh …” Brian loo
ks at her. “Babe, they won’t just hand her over to someone without checking the DNA first. Just relax.”

  She pulls out of his embrace. “Don’t tell me to relax! That’s my daughter!”

  “Gary, hold on.” Brian puts his phone under his arm as he takes her upper arms gently in hand. “Babe, I need you to get a grip. Think about it. They’re working off witness statements and a police sketch. That’s not enough to prove it’s your daughter. Would you want someone arresting you out of the blue and taking your child and handing her over to some stranger?”

  She refuses to answer, but her eyes betray her.

  “Of course not,” Brian continues. “We need to let the system work for you and for her.” He picks the phone back up. “Gary, what’s the next step?”

  Nicole moves away, unable to control herself enough to just listen in on the conversation. She trusts Brian to do the talking right now, since all she wants to do is scream at Gary.

  Rationally, she knows it’s not his fault, but her heart is breaking in half being this close to her baby and not being able to see her. I know it’s her. I know it is. I can feel it. I don’t need a stupid test to tell me it’s her.

  Brian hangs up the phone. “Gary is working all the legal angles. We already know that it wasn’t Kitten in the grave from those DNA tests. But they have to do DNA tests on the baby before they can confirm anything.”

  “What if the woman confesses? What then?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll ask Gary in a little while, but I think right now we should leave him to make his calls, don’t you?”

  She nods, still freaking out, but knowing Gary can only do one thing at a time. “That makes sense. Okay, we’ll wait.” She spins around and looks out over the lawn. Just a few minutes ago it was a regular backyard. There was grass and flowers and trees and insects buzzing around.

  Now it’s different. Now it’s the place where she first learned that her daughter is alive. Right now, it’s her favorite place in the world. She turns to Brian and grabs his hands.

  “Brian!” she says, barely able to breathe.

  “What?” He searches her eyes, waiting to hear what she has to say.

  “Will you marry me?”

  He laughs once and then stops. “Are you serious?”