The Irreversible Reckoning

  ***

  Everything occurred in fragments while I was recovering. I was kept in a near constant state of half-awareness, half-sleep, but really, what they were keeping me in was a state of numbness.

  Adam had been crying softly beside me, even though he tried not to do so while my head was turned in his direction, I had discovered. His head was down, facing the floor, his forehead rested in his hand, and he was only allowing tears to fall; he was not allowing himself to make a sound. I had never seen him cry that way, and I could feel, interspersed with his grief for our daughter, and his worry for me, and the pain he felt at seeing me in pain, the bitter resentment he felt that Tyre had once again harmed one he loved so much, that he, meaning Adam, had allowed him to do so. I felt the rage he felt.

  When James came in, Adam looked up and wiped at his eyes, and James, respectfully, did not watch him do it. James pulled the other chair up to the other side of my bed, and my head turned in his direction.

  “Hey, baby.” He said to me softly. He kissed my cheek and ran his hand over my head, pushing my hair back.

  “It is far too large of a risk for you to keep coming here like this, Maxwell. Just because she knows of your charade now does not mean that you should abandon it. You being enmeshed with the guards is good for us.”

  “Well, they take you back to their cell when they feel like it, and I won’t let her spend a minute in here alone.”

  Adam did not say anything, but his mind told me that he was grateful. Say it, my mind urged, Just tell him you are glad that he is with me when you cannot be.

  But Adam said nothing except, “I lie awake, picturing her returning to consciousness with no one beside her. It makes me sick with guilt and with sadness. You are here, so that should not happen.”

  “No.” James replied. My fingers reached out by their own will to weakly link around James’s, and he took my hand, brought it to his lips, and kissed it. “Are you awake, sweetheart?” I did not respond, because I was not awake, not really.

  “Brynna?” Adam asked softly.

  Silence. Nothing from me, and nothing between them.

  “Do you Purissimus folks really have a rite of passage for this?” James asked, somewhat delicately, to break that silence.

  “I would not call it a rite of passage. I would call it a protocol. Regardless, I want no parts of it. I will not imbibe while my wife, your… whatever word you lot have for an unmarried couple who is not betrothed…”

  “Girlfriend.”

  “Sure. I will not imbibe while she lies unconscious in a hospital bed. When she wakes up crying out for you, for me, for our child, I will be right here.”

  “Yeah, I was going to say, it seems like a stupid custom.”

  “It is very stupid, and yet I have done it. When Janna lost our first child, shortly before Caspar. I left her to her handmaidens and her mother, who was a shrew to end all shrews, by the way, while I sat with the men of my Council and her father, who was a bastard, as well, to drink ourselves stupid. How is Janna?”

  “She’s doing well. Recovering a little bit every day, but Brynna has been helping her with that. Brynna hasn’t told her about me being back, because we wanted to keep it as quiet as possible.” He smiled slightly, “She’s doing good, Adam. She’s good. She’s…” He stopped, shook his head incredulously, “She’s kind, when she wants to be, and she’s funny. I mean, she’s not this one…” James squeezed my hand and then kissed it, “But she’s almost perfect in her own way.”

  “I know. A part of me does miss her. She was my wife. She is the mother of my sons. We have never gotten on very well, not even in the beginning of our courtship, but there were times when things were alright. Tell her I am glad she is well.”

  “I will.”

  “Thank you.”

  “They’re sleeping together.” James said suddenly, and Adam laughed. I would have laughed, too, had I been awake.

  “I know.” Adam replied, “I think of that fact often, believe me.”

  “You and me both.” James said, “Enough to drive a man insane, thinking about that.”

  They laughed softly again. Then they were silent.

  “She was so happy, Adam.” James said, “She wanted her. The baby, I mean. A few days ago, we spent the whole night just feeling the baby in there. God, she was so strong. Grace. She was growing so fast, and she was so strong already.”

  “She was. She was just like her mother in that way. In that terrifying, unfathomable strength.”

  “I was happy, too. For her, for you. I wanted to be there.”

  “I know. And you would have been. Were you angry or hurt that it was not your child inside her?”

  “No.” James replied instantly, “We have a daughter. I have my little girl. Honestly, Adam, from the bottom of my heart, I never saw it as anything other than the greatest, happiest news.”

  Adam nodded.

  “You are alright with her having us both?” Adam asked.

  James drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

  “It is going to take some time for me. But I remind myself whenever I start getting jealous or weird about it that having us both makes her happy. Of course I want her all to myself, but it just isn’t what she wants. I want her to be happy, and it’s going to take time, but I’ll get used to it. I think.”

  Adam nodded again.

  “That you are trying will mean very much to her. It is a struggle for me, as well, James. I, too, want her to be mine and only mine. But like you said, it is not what she wants. And the only way that we will honor this woman who has given herself to us is to give her what she wants. To make her happy.”

  “Yes.” James replied. “You’re right.”

  Silence.

  “I mean, we will never be friends.” Adam said.

  They chuckled together again.

  “I will always have my reservations about you. My suspicions.” Adam continued.

  “And I about you.”

  “But I will try to make it easier for her, because she does not like to see us fight.”

  “No, she doesn’t. So, I’ll try, too.”

  “Alright.”

  “Okay.”

  There was silence between them again, but it was so light they barely noticed it. In my sleep, I smiled.