Web of Dreams

  "Well don't just stand there, child. Greet your grandma," she instructed. I hurried down the remaining steps. Grandma Jana gave me a real hug and kiss that warmed me to the heart and held me back. "Goodness, look at you. You've grown nearly a foot and in other ways too, I see."

  "I haven't grown that much, Grandma," I said smiling. She grunted and spun around to Momma.

  "Before I settle in, I want to hear what's going on . . . every detail," she commanded. Momma's lips trembled as she forced a smile. Grandma looked about. "I don't imagine Cleave is still in his own house," she added.

  "No, he's on one of his voyages."

  "Humph," Grandma said. She went directly to Daddy's office and threw open the door, pointing inside with her cane. Momma gazed at me quickly, hoping I might think of something to say to help her, but I was just as shocked by Grandma Jana's abruptness.

  "Don't you want a cup of tea or to wash up first, Mother?"

  "Absolutely not. We'll use Cleave's office," she insisted and walked in. "JILLIAN!" she shouted.

  "All right, Mother." Momma shook her head helplessly and followed Grandma Jana into Daddy's office. What had Momma told her about the divorce and remarriage to get her so excited? I wondered.

  "Close the door behind you," Grandma Jana commanded as Momma entered Daddy's office. Momma closed it but not properly, and it snapped open enough for me to hear their voices. I glanced up the stairway as Clarence came down, wiping his face. He smiled at me and then went off. There was no one left in the entry hall. I couldn't help my curiosity. I sat on the Colonial bench that was just to the left of Daddy's office doorway, pretending I was waiting for them to come out.

  "Now what is all this about Cleave not loving you?" Grandma Jana began. "You weren't worried about that when I got him to marry you quickly in Texas. You were damned lucky to find someone so well off who wanted you."

  "You know I was never happy about this marriage, Mother. You know I never loved Cleave and never could." I couldn't believe my ears. Never loved Daddy? Never could? But the story . . . the dazzling stars . . Cinderella . . .

  "Never could?" Grandma spit. "I suppose you would have been happier now if I let you marry that worthless Chester Godwin after he had gotten you pregnant, huh? You could love him, I suppose. The two of you could be in a nice shack in shantytown and Leigh could be running around in rags.

  "But instead of being grateful that I found you a rich, decent man who would provide you a more than comfortable life, what do you do ... hate me and finally throw it all away for a man nearly twenty years younger!"

  The words stung my ears. ". . . after he had gotten you pregnant"? What was Grandma Jana saying? Had Momma been pregnant once before she had me? Did she have an abortion? Was there another child?

  "I didn't expect you would understand anything," Momma said haltingly, "and least of ail, care about what I felt, what I needed and wanted. Cleave's an old man now; he doesn't care about anything but his business. I'm too young to bury myself and I'm lucky to find a man like Tony Tatterton. Wait until you see Farthinggale Manor, wait until you see . . ."

  "How much does this young man know about your past? Does he know the truth? Have you ever told Cleave the truth or does he still think Leigh's his child?" Grandma Jana demanded.

  It was as if some giant, invisible pair of hands had grasped me at the waist and squeezed. I bent over in agony, embracing myself. What was Grandma saying . . . Daddy wasn't my real daddy? Another man had made Momma pregnant and Daddy married her not knowing? Who was I? What a horrible, horrible secret to keep from Daddy and from me!

  "Why should they know these things?" Momma said, her voice weakening.

  "Thought so." I could imagine Grandma Jana's eyes burning into Momma's face. "Does this Tony Tatterton know how old you really are?"

  "No," Momma said, her voice small. "And please, don't tell him. Don't spoil this for me."

  "Disgusting. Another life built on lies. I have a good mind to turn right around and head straight home, but I came and stay for Leigh's sake. That poor child having to be dragged through one thing after another by her selfish, vain, foolish mother."

  "That's not fair," Momma cried. "I've done everything I can to make her life happy, happier than my own miserable life was. Now she will live like a princess and go to the finest schools and meet the best of society, and all because of me, because of my beauty and what that beauty can do to a man!"

  "This will come to no good," Grandma Jana predicted in a biblical voice. "Mark my words. You are a sinner, Jillian!" she hissed. "And much worse, a more stupid sinner than I ever imagined!"

  "Well it's all done, signed and sealed, and there's nothing you can do or say about it. You're not running my life like you did in Texas, and I won't have you sneering at everything. This is going to be the most wonderful wedding, maybe the most important social event of the year in New England."

  "Humph," Grandma Jana said again.

  Momma began to describe her wedding plans. I got up slowly from the-bench, resembling a

  sleepwalker as I started up the stairway, still embracing myself.

  I would never tell Daddy, I thought. I would never break his heart, and I didn't care what was true and what was not--in my mind and my heart, he would always be my daddy. But Momma, all those lies, those stories. It was as if bubbles were bursting all around me, lights shattering, streamers floating down, my world crumbling like a house of cards or, as Grandma Jana said, a life of lies.

  And Momma living the biggest lie of all. Her advice came up in my throat like sour milk. I could still see her face when she said it, wearing the mask of sincerity, false sincerity.

  "Remember this, Leigh: nice girls don't go all the way. Not until they're married. Promise you won't forget that."

  I won't forget it, Momma.

  I turned at the top of the stairway. I wanted to shout it out, let her know what I had overheard,

  I WON'T FORGET IT, MOMMA!

  nine HERE COMES THE BRIDE

  . I did nothing to let Momma know what I had overheard while sitting outside Daddy's office; but whenever I looked at Momma now, I saw someone different from the woman I had wanted so much to resemble. It was almost as if my real mother had gone away and left this look-alike, this woman who had Momma's hair and Momma's eyes and Momma's beautiful skin, but who was empty inside.

  Most of our time was spent discussing the final wedding details anyway. Actually, it was all we talked about. Even Grandma Jana was drawn into the discussions when Momma cleverly asked for her opinion about this or that. And then Farthy, with its magical powers, its mystical presence, overwhelmed her. Despite the way she felt about Momma's leaving Daddy and marrying a man so much younger, Grandma Jana was impressed. The size and the opulence of Farthinggale Manor took her breath away. When we drove through the gates, she wore a look of amazement, wondering aloud as I had wondered how one man could own so much.

  Tony charmed her as well, treating her as if she were royalty. If he had had a red carpet to roil out over the steps and snow, he would have done it. He placed her left hand on his right arm and escorted her through the large rooms, explaining who was in this ancestral portrait and that, spending a great deal of time reviewing his history and talking about his parents and grandparents.

  At lunch he had the waiters and waitresses hovering around her like hummingbirds. She couldn't lift a spoon or reach for a dish without a servant anticipating her wants and getting it for her. And all the while, Momma stood back quietly with her Mona Lisa smile. Whatever resistance and reservations had been in Grandma Jana when she had arrived slipped away. After I saw the way Tony Tatterton doted on her, flattered her, charmed her with his manners, his good looks, and his wealth, I understood why such a man could win the heart of any woman, especially a woman like Momma.

  "I knew Tony would tame her," Momma whispered in my ear when we left Farthy for what would be the final time, for tomorrow was the wedding and when I returned, it would be for good. In the evening,
just before I went to sleep, I packed all my photographs and precious mementos. I had left them for the very last moment, clinging to some hope that this really wasn't going to happen. But now my fate was sealed.

  In the morning the house was a buzz of activity. Momma flew about from room to room like a bee in a field of wildflowers. She was so flustered and excited that if I asked the simplest question, she would go into a panic and beg me to solve the problem myself. She refused to eat anything for breakfast. I had little appetite, too, but I ate what I could. This was the last meal Svenson would prepare for me; the last meal Clarence would serve. It wasn't until we all headed for the limousine that I realized Mamma hadn't invited Clarence and Svenson to her wedding. The two of them stood side by side in the doorway as Miles loaded our things into the trunk.

  "Good luck to you, Miss," Clarence told me. There were tears stuck in the corners of his eyes. "And don't forget to come by to say hello when

  you come aboard your father's ship," Svenson said. I mouthed a goodbye and hurried in behind

  Momma. I felt my own tears sting behind my eyes.

  Momma took one look at my face and moaned. "Oh Leigh, please, don't look so downhearted

  on my wedding day. What will people think?" "Leave her be," Grandma Jana said. "It's not her

  wedding day. She can look the way she wants." "Well, I can't spend my time cheering her up.

  Not today. I have too much to do," Momma declared

  petulantly. Then she pursed her lips in a pout and

  looked the other way. I never realized how much like

  a spoiled child she could be if she didn't get

  everything exactly how she wanted.

  I gazed back at our Boston house. Clarence and

  Svenson were still standing on the front steps

  watching us drive off. I thought about the times when

  I was little and I knew that Daddy was coming home

  any moment from one of his voyages. I would play in

  the living room and keep one ear tuned toward the

  front door. The moment I heard Clarence open it, I

  would rush out to greet Daddy and no matter how

  tired he looked, he always broke into a wide,

  lighthearted smile and held his arms out for me to

  rush into them. I would give him a big, loud kiss on

  the cheek.

  "That's the way to greet a sailor!" he would

  exclaim. "Eh, Clarence?"

  I could hear him saying it even now. Then, the

  house disappeared from sight as we rounded a corner,

  and it seemed my childhood was over in an instant. This time when we passed under the great arch

  at the front gates of Farthy, I felt the significance of it.

  The great estate was now my home, I thought,

  whether I wanted it to be or not. The grounds people

  were busy clearing every last flake of snow from the

  driveway and stairs. Two maids were absorbed in

  polishing every bit of brass and iron in sight, and a

  half-dozen men were touching up shutters and cleaning windows.

  The wedding preparations combined with the

  Christmas decorations created an overwhelmingly

  festive atmosphere.

  There were lights strewn over the hedges,

  lanterns dangling from evergreen trees, and tinsel and

  gold splattered everywhere. Little Troy's snowman,

  although diminished considerably by the sunlight, still

  stood in front of the big house. He had placed a top

  hat on its head and draped a black tie around its neck.

  The sight of it brought a welcome smile to my face,

  even though Momma thought someone should have

  taken it down by now.

  "Oh, it would break Troy's heart. He worked on

  it so hard."

  "There's a time and a place for these things,

  Leigh. Tony's got to stop catering to his little brother's whims." She smiled quickly at Grandma Jana. "Now

  that I'm here, that will all change."

  Inside the orchestra was practicing in the

  ballroom; the kitchen staff was setting up the giant

  tables of food. Ushers were gathered around the

  minister like football players around their coach

  getting final instructions. Mamma went directly

  upstairs to her suite to make her final preparations

  with the assistance of her hairdresser. There was a

  constant traffic of people in the corridors--

  bridesmaids, escorts, flower girls and photographers.

  A society editor from the Globe stood outside the door

  to Momma's suite trying to get an interview with

  Momma.

  Troy was very excited. Every chance he had, he

  marched people in to see his toy collection. Relatives

  stopped by, cousins and aunts and uncles. I never

  would have believed that a house this big could be so

  crowded. I didn't think the wedding would have any

  sense of order, but when the time came, everyone and

  everything fell into place.

  I joined the other bridesmaids in the upstairs

  corridor. We were each given a bouquet of sweetheart

  roses to carry. Troy, as cute as ever in his tuxedo and

  black tie, was hurried downstairs to take his place next to Tony by the altar. Finally, there was a deep hush. We heard the first piano notes. Excitement rippled through the faces of everyone in the wedding

  party.

  Looking angelic in her Victorian wedding gown

  with a lace neck smothered in pearls, Momma

  emerged from her suite. She smiled through her veil

  and paused to squeeze my hand when she stepped

  beside me. My heart began to pound so hard and my

  face felt so hot, I thought I would faint. I felt terrible

  knowing I should be saying something sweet, something loving, to her, but my throat ached from

  swallowed tears.

  "Wish me luck," she begged.

  Luck? What does luck have to do with love and

  marriage? I thought. Was it bad luck that Momma had

  gotten pregnant with me or was it just stupidity? Was

  it just bad luck for Daddy that had brought him to her

  that fateful night in Texas, or was it Grandma Jana's

  manipulations? Was it good luck or bad luck that

  Elizabeth Deveroe had thought of her one day at

  Farthy and then brought her out here to meet Tony?

  Was it good luck or bad luck that he took one look at

  her and fell in love? Did Daddy think it had all been

  bad luck? Was he thinking that now?

  Where was Daddy this very moment? I

  wondered. Was he halfway to Florida, perhaps

  standing on the bridge of his ship, looking out at the

  sea and wondering about us back here at Farthy? Was

  he thinking of me?

  "Good luck, Momma," I muttered quickly and

  she continued on to the back of the line.

  We heard "Here Comes the Bride," and the

  procession began. As we descended the great

  staircase, I looked down at the sea of faces, at all these

  elegantly dressed men and women, who were all

  gazing up at us, and I felt as if I were part of a great

  show. Momma, of course, was the star. Eventually, all

  eyes were on her. I was already in my place so when

  she made the turn at the foot of the stairway, I could

  see her face. She looked beautiful and ecstatic. She

  was just where she had always wanted to be, I

  thought, at the center of attention.

  And all at once, I wanted to shout,
"STOP!" I

  wanted to end everything, scream my discomfort and

  agony. "How can you all be so gleeful and excited!

  How can you all want to be part of this?" I dreamed of

  shouting. I wanted to tell all these rich and refined

  people the truth. "My mother never told my father the

  truth about me. We've been living a lie all this time, and now she has taken me from him and brought me here to live with a man twenty years younger than she

  is. More lies. Everything is lies, lies, lies!"

  But like the coward I am I swallowed my

  dream words. The power of the music, the lights, the

  excitement and the sight of Tony standing so tall and

  handsome at the altar with little Troy looking so

  grown up and serious beside him stopped me. I felt

  utterly caught up in this madness, tossed about by its

  waves. I glanced at Grandma Jana sitting in the front

  row and saw her nod and smile at me. Even she was

  lost in the ceremony now. Events were flowing over

  us. We couldn't hold them back.

  Little Troy peeped out from behind Tony,

  searching for me. When he saw me, he smiled and

  waved. Tony looked down at him and he drew back

  smartly. Then Momma took her place at the altar; the

  music stopped, and the words began. My heart

  pounded at the sound of them, especially the sound of

  "To have and to hold from this day forward, for richer

  or poorer, through sickness and in health, 'til death do

  you part."

  Momma had taken the same oath with Daddy

  and it hadn't mattered a bit. What did it mean to say

  those words, even before an altar? I studied Tony's face to see what was going on in his mind. Did he think the same thing I thought--she had said these words with another man and broken that oath? Did

  she mean them now?

  Tony gazed into Momma's eyes as she spoke.

  He looked bewitched. In some subtle, mysterious

  way, she'd managed to gather in his reins, and now

  she was in complete control, I thought. He looked

  ready to accept anything and say anything to have her.