Halfway to Forever

  “Please come,” he said, his voice cracking. “We need you guys.”

  The Bronzans were there in half an hour. Jenny stayed at home with Grace, since small children weren’t allowed in the room.

  Matt vowed to contact the firm’s mailing list and request prayer support for the weeks and months ahead. Hannah offered to do what she could to help with Ty. Still, despite their words of encouragement, Jade caught them both wiping tears throughout the evening.

  For the first time Jade could remember, Matt and Tanner shared not a single one-liner or smile between them. She wanted to shake them both.

  I’m not dead yet! Don’t give up on me …

  But she kept her thoughts to herself. She was too new in her role as cancer victim to know how to act.

  When visiting hours were over, the Bronzans offered to take Ty home with them. Jade would be released from the hospital in the morning, sent home with specific instructions and a month’s supply of anti-seizure medication. Hannah would take Ty to baseball practice and bring him home after that.

  “Thanks,” Jade reached out and held Hannah’s hand. Tanner, Matt, and Ty were near the door, not listening to their conversation. “You’re the best friend I have, Hannah.”

  “You, too.” Tears filled Hannah’s eyes and this time she didn’t try to hide them. “I learned something after Tom and Alicia were killed.”

  Jade nodded, her own tears blurring her vision.

  Hannah struggled to speak. “I learned that even in the darkest nights, morning eventually comes.” She smiled, her lips trembling. “It’s God’s promise. Fight this, Jade. Fight it with everything you have.”

  “I will.” She blinked back the tears. “If I ever look like I’m giving up, tell me again, okay?”

  Hannah nodded, and soon Ty and the Bronzans were gone for the night.

  Tanner turned off the light in the room and pulled his chair near her bed again. He planned to sleep at her side as he’d done the night before. “Maybe …” His voice was a quiet whisper. “Maybe you won’t have any side effects.”

  His statement confirmed what she already knew. The thing that weighed most heavily on both their minds here and now, at the starting line of their race against death, was the medication. What if she suffered from it the same way some of her young patients suffered? Would there be a time when she might look into Tanner’s loving eyes and not know him? Feel the precious touch of his hand on her skin and be startled, even frightened?

  He tried again. “Maybe you’ll be the exception.”

  She consciously raised the corners of her mouth. “Maybe.”

  The nurse brought in a tray bearing a glass of ice, a pitcher of water, and a straw. There was also a small saucer with two orange capsules. Jade didn’t have to ask what they were. She’d given them to her patients too many times for that.

  Tanner looked from Jade to the tray and back again as the nurse poured her a glass of water. There was a heaviness in Tanner’s eyes that broke Jade’s heart. “Is it …?”

  She nodded. “Yes.” There was no sense in dragging out the moment. She placed the pills on her tongue and took a long swig of water.

  And with that, Jade’s uncertain journey into darkness began.

  Eight

  Nearly six weeks had passed since Grace came to live with them, and Hannah was so giddy about life she felt guilty.

  What right did the four of them have to be happy when Jade and Tanner were living through the most difficult time in their lives? Of course it wasn’t a question that could be answered. Hard times came to everyone who lived long enough, and as Matt had been there for her during her darkest days, so the two of them would be there for Jade and Tanner.

  Still, Hannah found herself consumed with warring emotions. Half the time she was elated by the leaps and bounds Grace made each day, but there were moments, hours, when she was drawn to the sad, quiet pondering of Jade’s future.

  It was the morning of July 3, and Jenny was upstairs helping Grace get dressed. The three of them were going shopping for the big party the following day, the one she and Matt had thrown each Fourth of July since they were married two years ago.

  Hannah worked in the kitchen, taking care of the morning dishes and savoring the sound of Grace’s laughter upstairs. Had it been nearly two months since that day when Mrs. Parsons brought her home to live with them? The victories they’d notched since then were unbelievable, making up the sweetest bouquet of memories.

  The four of them had learned to trust each other. They had shared tenderness and tears, sunshine and silly laughter. Many nights when Grace was tucked in bed, Hannah and Matt marveled at how far she had come.

  How very far.

  A breeze filtered in through the kitchen window, and Hannah paused, staring at the endless blue beyond the sandy beach. There had been times during those first two weeks when Hannah wondered if Grace would survive the transition.

  Times when she wondered if any of them would survive it.

  The child would wake in the middle of the night, grabbing at her wrist, of all things. Then she’d scream in a way that would bring all of them, even Jenny, running to her bedroom.

  Hannah shuddered as she remembered Grace’s first night. After Mrs. Parsons left, they showed the child her room and her pretty new clothes. Grace ran her fingers over the delicate pink things and looked at Hannah, her eyes wide. “Who will wear them when I’m gone?”

  There was a pause while Hannah, Matt, and Jenny exchanged a look. Finally Hannah knelt down before the girl and stroked her hair. “Grace,” Hannah’s voice had been a mix of fear and compassion. “We want you to stay here. With us.”

  Grace shook her head. “I never stay for very long. The police come and take me back to Mommy.”

  Hannah hadn’t known what to say, so Matt set his hand on Grace’s shoulder and took over. “Honey, the police won’t take you away anymore.”

  Grace wrinkled her nose and tiny tears filled her eyes. “Mommy said …” She was crying, but in a way that was different from any other child Hannah had seen. Tears streamed down her cheeks and her small shoulders shook, but she made no sound at all. She wiped her face and looked at Matt. “Mommy said if I got took away from her, then the police would put me in jail.”

  Jenny covered her mouth, stifling a cry.

  The horrible picture Grace had painted made Hannah’s head reel. She and Matt circled the child in a hug. “No, Grace, that’ll never happen.” Matt’s tone was soothing. “We want you to stay with us forever.”

  Hannah had expected Grace to stop crying. Instead her little body convulsed. With the three of them watching, Grace climbed onto her bed, curled in a ball, and said just one more thing before falling asleep. “I w-w-want my mommy.”

  She came to the table for dinner that evening, but ate nothing. Regardless of their attempts to get her to talk, Grace remained silent, wary through her bath and while she was being tucked into bed.

  When they were downstairs and out of earshot, Jenny collapsed on the sofa. Her eyes were dry but frustration was written into every crease on her forehead. “She hates us.”

  Hannah sat beside her daughter, and Matt pulled up a chair nearby. He spoke in a voice that was low and full of compassion. “She’s afraid.”

  “That’s right.” Hannah slipped her arm around Jenny’s shoulder. “Mrs. Parsons said that would happen.”

  “I know, but still …” Jenny let her head fall against the back cushion. “How long will it take before she trusts us?” She leveled her gaze at Matt. “Before she laughs and plays like a regular little girl?”

  Matt reached out and patted Jenny’s knee. “With God on our side, my guess is not long.”

  Grace’s first scream pierced the peaceful silence of the Bronzan home at two o’clock the next morning. Matt and Hannah grabbed their robes and raced down the hall just as she released her second scream.

  Matt sat her tiny body up and shook her gently. “Grace, honey … it’s okay. Wake up.”
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  The child opened her eyes, but didn’t make eye contact with either of them. Instead she stared straight ahead and screamed again. Eyes wide, she grabbed at her right wrist, shaking that hand and slapping it over and over and over.

  Finally Matt caught her fingers midair and brought them down. “Grace, it’s okay. Wake up.”

  In response she shook her head faster and faster and screamed again, this time looking from Matt to Hannah and back. “No! No … no … no … no!”

  Hannah anchored the child on the other side, and together she and Matt wrapped their arms around her, whispering words of hope and peace until she stopped screaming.

  “I want my mommy; I want to go home.” Then she hung her head so that the curls made a tent around her face. “Go away. Please go away.”

  The floor of Hannah’s heart fell that night as she drew back and took in the picture Grace made. She was a little girl alone in the world, unable to let go of the nightmares of yesterday long enough to believe in the treasure of today.

  And there was nothing she or Matt could do about it.

  On her way out of Grace’s room, hot tears slid down Hannah’s cheeks. Get us through this, God … please. What have we done?

  It was a prayer she prayed often that first week, and by the ninth day—with Grace barely speaking to any of them and still asking hourly to go home—Hannah considered calling Mrs. Parsons and asking for help.

  Jenny handled Grace’s reluctant beginning by being gone more than usual.

  Hannah had cornered Jenny that week and tried to reason with her. “You’ll never connect with her if you’re not home.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” Jenny shifted her weight to one hip. “Besides, she doesn’t care if I’m here or not.”

  Hannah took hold of Jenny’s arm. “That’s not true. She told you she wanted a sister that first day. She may not talk to you, but she likes you.”

  Jenny narrowed her eyes and lowered her voice. “That’s not the kind of sister I was expecting.”

  There was more that Jenny wanted to say; the intensity in her eyes told Hannah that much. Of course Grace wasn’t the type of sister Jenny had been expecting. The only sister she’d ever known was Alicia, and the two of them had been inseparable, laughing and playing together. Delighting in the same kinds of games and music and with that uncanny ability to finish each other’s sentences.

  The way only sisters could.

  Even if Jenny hadn’t intended to, she clearly had expected Grace to be something of a companion. A little sister to her the way she had once been a little sister to Alicia.

  The situation had been heartbreaking, and there was nothing Hannah could do about it.

  Before the night was over, Jenny apologized for being impatient. But the entire situation had Hannah at a breaking point.

  Midway through the second week, Matt linked his arms through hers and pulled her close. “It takes time, Hannah. I’m not willing to give up.”

  “Me, either. I just wish I knew what God was doing.”

  Matt grinned. “Building a bond between us, maybe?”

  Hannah’s mind went blank. “A bond? By giving us a child who won’t talk or smile or respond to us?”

  “Ahh, but remember this …” Matt put a finger to Hannah’s lips. “One day when she does talk or smile or respond, we’ll know it’s real, won’t we?”

  Hannah remained doubtful. Would they ever be able to truly reach Grace? That night she and Matt prayed on their knees in the sand outside their house.

  “Give us wisdom, God.” Matt closed his eyes and directed his face toward the starry sky above. “It’s been nine days and she’s so quiet, so locked up inside. What can we do different, God? Just show us, please. We love her. We’ll wait as long as it takes.”

  The breakthrough happened the next day.

  Matt was at work and Hannah was making oatmeal when Grace entered the room. She came up beside Hannah and tugged on her sleeve. Hannah smiled at her, but before she had time to speak, Grace tucked her hand in Hannah’s and said, “I have something to tell you.”

  Hannah set the spoon down beside the pan and turned to face her. “What, honey?”

  “I’m sorry.” Grace lowered her chin, but kept her eyes on Hannah. “I haven’t been very good. I miss my mommy.”

  Tears stung at Hannah’s eyes, and she blinked them back, stooping to the child’s level. “That’s okay. You’re still getting used to us, Grace. It takes time.” She hugged her and kissed her cheek.

  Grace ran her thumb over Hannah’s hand; her touch was velvet. “Do you like me, Hannah?”

  Hannah framed the child’s face with her fingers, brushing the curls back and looking deep into her eyes. “I like you very much.”

  Grace doodled an invisible design with her toe. “I’m scared the police will come and take me to jail … but I’m still here.”

  Hannah nodded. “I know you miss your mommy, honey. But sometimes God gives little children a new mommy and daddy. Ones that can take care of them better and—” she was treading on slippery ground, but she forged ahead—“And sometimes love them better.”

  This time Grace bobbed her head up and down, and throughout breakfast she chattered away about the beach and her toys and Hannah and Matt and Jenny.

  “You and Matt are Jenny’s mommy and daddy, right?” Grace had long since finished eating her cereal and now sat opposite Hannah, her hands folded on the table.

  “Right.” Hannah wanted to say more. We’re your mommy and daddy, too, Grace. But she held her tongue.

  “Hannah?” Grace cocked her head.

  “Yes?”

  “You have only one girl, just like my mommy, right?”

  Hannah wondered whether the sting of that question would ever go away. “Actually …” She allowed herself to pause. “I had two girls. Jenny and Alicia. But Alicia died a few years ago.”

  “Oh.” Grace’s nod was matter-of-fact. “She’s in heaven with Jesus.”

  The breath caught in Hannah’s throat. Mrs. Parsons hadn’t gone into detail about Grace’s background, except to say it had been challenging. All they’d been told so far was that Grace was a child with no physical, mental, or emotional disabilities. Whatever that meant.

  Still, there’d been no reason to think she adhered to any faith.

  “How do you know about Jesus, sweetheart?”

  Grace shrugged. “My grandma told me.”

  Grandma? An alarm sounded in the control center of Hannah’s soul. Mrs. Parsons had said there was no extended family, no one who would fight for Grace once her mother’s rights were severed. “Grandma?” Hannah tried to smile. “I didn’t know you had a grandma.”

  “I don’t anymore. She died at Christmastime.” Grace folded her arms and swung her feet. “Grandma loved Jesus very much. She told me Jesus was like an invisible Daddy, and sometimes, when Mommy had a bad night, I knew Grandma was right. I could feel my invisible Daddy hold me and keep me safe.”

  Hannah fought the urge to let her mouth drop open. The child seated before her—who for more than a week hadn’t spoken to them or shown any sign that she was capable of loving or being loved—not only knew about Christ, but had felt his love in her life.

  Before Grace went to sleep that night, she smiled at Hannah. “Know what, Hannah?”

  Hannah leaned down and kissed the girl on the forehead. The burden of frustration from the past week lifted like fog. She could hardly wait to tell Jenny about the change in the child. Hannah’s fingers soothed Grace’s brow. “What?”

  Grace batted her silky eyelashes. “I like you, too.”

  Over the next two weeks there were more moments like that.

  One afternoon she and Grace took a walk on the beach and found a sandy knoll where they watched seagulls swooping low over the water. “Know what, Mommy?” Grace looked at her, squinting in the sunlight.

  “What, honey?”

  “We should sing a song.”

  “We should?” Hannah grin
ned at Grace and reached for her hand.

  “Yes. A happy day needs a happy song.”

  “Okay.” Hannah nodded, biting her lip to keep from giggling. “What should we sing?”

  “You teach me a song.” Grace shaded her eyes with her hand. “Please, Mommy.”

  Hannah thought a minute. “Do you know ‘Jesus Loves Me’?”

  Grace’s fair eyebrows came together in deep concentration. “I don’t think so.”

  “Oh, Grace!” Hannah brought her hands together in a series of light claps. “It’s the happiest song of all.”

  There and then, with the seagulls providing backup, Hannah taught Grace the familiar tune. Immediately it became Grace’s favorite, and after that they sang it at dinner and every time they walked on the beach.

  As Grace opened her heart, every day was more of a blessing than the day before. Not just to Hannah, but to each of them in different ways.

  Two weeks ago Sunday, they’d been coming home from church when Hannah checked the rearview mirror and saw Grace and Jenny holding hands. Three days later she came home from the grocery store and found Grace in Matt’s lap. He was reading to her, nuzzling the side of his face against her creamy cheeks and giggling with her at the silly parts.

  Hannah froze in the doorway, moving in slow motion as she set the bags at her feet. She remembered thinking that it was finally happening, just as Matt had known all along. Grace was falling in love with them, and they with her. Not because they were just another nice family who took care of her for a few weeks while her mother dealt with the legal system, but because Grace was starting to understand the truth.

  This time she wasn’t going anywhere. She was home. Forever.

  A week after that, Jenny took Grace to a park down the street and then out to lunch. When they came home, they both wore gaudy, blue-beaded bracelets and matching grins. “Grace wanted to go shopping.” Jenny laughed and swept the girl up onto her hip. “We bought sister bracelets, right Grace?”

  Grace planted a wet kiss on Jenny’s cheek. “Right.” She slid down and ran to Hannah. “Wanna see?”