RoomHate

  What did that mean? They’d been talking?

  I hadn’t even thought twice about whether snooping was right or wrong; I had to know. Scrolling up, I read the two other messages above it.

  Olivia: Have you given it any more thought?

  Justin: Yes. I need a little more time.

  A feeling of dread formed deep within my stomach. Last night had been a turning point in our relationship—or so I thought. Justin had made me feel like I could trust him implicitly. Knowing that he’d been communicating with his ex—that he’d been keeping something from me—felt like someone had just poured a bucket of ice water over my head, waking me up from a delusion.

  Staring blankly out of the large kitchen window, I noticed it was drizzling outside. It was going to be a cold, raw day. I didn’t even turn when he came downstairs. The smack of his lips could be heard as he kissed Bea, who was playing on the mat nearby.

  My body stiffened when he came up behind me, pressing his morning wood against my ass as he kissed my neck and said, “Good morning.”

  When I turned around, he could immediately tell that something was wrong from the look on my face.

  His expression dampened. “Amelia…talk to me.”

  Instead of answering him, I walked over to the counter and handed him his phone. “What do you need more time for?”

  Justin stared down at it and blinked a few times. “I was going to talk to you today about something. I didn’t want to take away from Bea’s first Halloween.”

  It felt like the walls were closing in on me. “I feel so stupid for trusting in all of this.”

  “Whoa. Hang on!” His face started to turn red in anger. “Exactly what conclusion are you jumping to right now?”

  “It doesn’t take a scientist, Justin. You’ve been texting back and forth with your ex-girlfriend. Trying to decide on something.”

  “That’s right. Something is going on, but it has nothing to do with her. There’s a reason she’s an ex. You have nothing to worry about. Did you not see what you fucking did to me last night?”

  “Why else are you in discussions with her then?”

  He raked his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath to compose himself. “Olivia is the tour manager for Calvin Sprockett.”

  “Calvin Sprockett, the singer?”

  “Yes.” He laughed slightly at my reaction. “The legendary Grammy winning artist. That one.”

  “Okay…so what is she discussing with you?”

  “He’s going on a North American and European tour for five months. The performer who was supposed to be opening for him just unexpectedly went into rehab. Olivia’s tight with my agent, Steve Rollins. They met when we were dating. Olivia was sort of like a manager to me back then, too. Anyway, I guess Steve gave her one of my recent demos from the September recording session, and she played it for Calvin. He asked her if I was interested in being the replacement opening act on the tour.”

  “Are you kidding me? Oh my God. Justin…that’s a dream!”

  It was strange to feel happiness for him and also like my world was crumbling all at the same time. The one thing I knew for sure was that I was not going to let my fear stand in the way of supporting this once in a lifetime opportunity.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t mentioned it yet. I really just wanted yesterday to be perfect. I swear to God I was going to tell you before the weekend was over.”

  I wracked my brain to think of something to say that wouldn’t show my apprehension. “Does he know you’ve never toured before?”

  Justin nodded. “At first, I thought it was strange that he would take a chance on someone like me, but apparently I’ve since learned that Cal is known for introducing brand new talent on his tours. That was how Dave Aarons got his start.”

  “Really. Wow…and he chose you.”

  He smiled hesitantly. “Yeah.”

  “Your style totally jives with his, too.”

  “I know. It’s a good fit.”

  Panic aside, my heart also filled with pride. I reached up to hug him. “Holy crap. I’m so proud of you,” I said, despite the fact that it felt like my world was falling apart.

  “I haven’t accepted it yet, Amelia.”

  I pulled back suddenly to look him in the eyes. “You’re going to, right?”

  He frowned. “I don’t know.”

  “You can’t turn it down.”

  “I wanted to discuss it with you first.”

  “What is there to discuss?”

  “I’d be leaving you and Bea for five fucking months.”

  “You never exactly said your stay here was permanent in the first place. Technically, you’ve been on borrowed time. You realize that, don’t you?”

  He didn’t address my question when he said, “This would be different than my simply being in New York. I wouldn’t be able to just come to the island whenever I want or when you need something. The tour is continuous. They stick to a tight schedule. He likes to do two or three shows in each city.”

  “You don’t have to worry about me.” As much as I didn’t want him to leave, there was no way I was going to let him give up an opportunity like this out of guilt. He would come to resent Bea and me. That was the last thing I wanted.

  “I don’t have to worry about you? Do you remember the state I found you in?”

  “A lot has changed since then. Bea has grown a lot. She’s less dependent on me and sleeping better. Don’t use me as an excuse not to take this opportunity. Five months will fly by.”

  In truth, it seemed like an eternity. So much could happen in five months. In fact, so much had happened between us in that same amount of time. We’d grown into our own unique version of a family in that equivalent duration.

  “You say it will fly by now, but when you have no one around to relieve you when you want to leave the house or go grocery shopping, you’ll feel it. When you get lonely at night, you’ll feel it…unless you call the asshat next door. I’m sure Roger will take full advantage of my being gone.”

  It seemed like he was trying to make up any excuse in the world as to why going was a bad idea.

  “I don’t want you to leave, Justin. It scares the hell out of me, but I just know you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t. There isn’t even a decision to make with an offer like this.”

  He looked down at his shoes and stared at the floor for the longest time before he conceded, “You’re right. I’ll always wonder what could have been if I don’t do it. And I don’t think I’ll get another opportunity like it in my lifetime.”

  My throat felt like sandpaper when I swallowed. “Well, then you have your answer.”

  Justin stared into space and said, “Shit. This is really happening.” He then turned to me with a nervous expression as if he wanted me to make one last attempt to talk him out of it.

  “Bea and I will still be here.”

  “I’d be coming back about a month after her first birthday.” He looked over at where Bea was playing. “I’ll miss it.”

  Trying to remain calm, I asked, “When do you need to let Olivia know by?”

  “No later than the next couple of days.”

  I hesitated before asking, “Are you sure Jade wasn’t right about her?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That’s she’s trying to get back together with you? It seems like a very big gesture on her part, to work to get you on this tour.”

  “She’s always been a big supporter of my music. There’s nothing else going on there, Amelia.”

  “Is she actually going to be on the tour the whole time?”

  “Yes. She manages it.”

  “Is she still dating someone?”

  He answered reluctantly, “I don’t think so.”

  Adrenaline pumped through me as jealousy took hold. My cheeks felt hot. “I see.”

  “I told you the story about my breakup with Olivia. She wasn’t the one for me. It’s over. It doesn’t matter that she’s on the to
ur. Please don’t focus on that. It’s a waste of energy.”

  “Okay. I’ll try, but just imagine how you would feel if I were going on a bus tour with an ex for five months. You can’t even deal with Roger next door. You lived with her for two years. You can surely see why it makes me uncomfortable.”

  “Of course, I get it, but I can’t stress enough that Olivia and I are over. Yes, she happens to be going on this tour, but please don’t worry about that.”

  “Alright. I’ll try.”

  My heart felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. I couldn’t let him see that I was devastated by his impending departure. I suddenly said, “Hey, is it okay if I take a quick jog on the beach? Will you keep an eye on Bea?”

  “Since when do you run?”

  “I’d like to start.”

  He stared at me suspiciously. “Yeah. Of course I’ll watch her.”

  Without delay, I ran upstairs and changed into my exercise clothes as fast as I could.

  Once outside, my legs were taking off faster than my heart could sustain. I couldn’t keep up with my own will to run away from the heartbreak of knowing he was really going away. It wasn’t his leaving that was devastating but rather the fear that he wouldn’t want to come back to this mundane life on the island. He would be experiencing something completely new. A music tour would be chock full of excitement—temptation. No limitations.

  I couldn’t let him see how terrified I was; the only thing worse than his leaving would be if he decided not to go because of my insecurities. While I couldn’t stop him from leaving, the one thing I could do was attempt to protect myself in the only way I knew how. For the remainder of his time on the island, I couldn’t allow myself to get any closer to him physically or emotionally. If we could survive his going away, then I would know that he was serious about us. Until then, it was necessary to live my life under the assumption that he may not be coming back. This tour would be the ultimate test.

  The beach air filled my throat as I ran. It was so windy that sand was flying into my eyes and mouth as I dodged seagulls.

  Finally arriving back at the house, I stopped just inside the door before entering. Justin had the radio on and was dancing around the kitchen with Bea. She would laugh every time he spun her around real fast. The music faded into the background, taking a backseat to the loud noise of the anxious thoughts passing through my mind. It hit me that I wasn’t going to be the only one devastated by his leaving. Bea had no clue he would be gone in a matter of days. She wouldn’t even be able to understand why he left. My heart hurt for her, and he wasn’t even gone yet.

  ***

  It’s always when you want time to stand still that it flies the fastest.

  After Justin accepted the tour gig, he found out he only had a week and a half before he had to report to Minneapolis. He was going to drive the Range Rover back to New York then catch a flight to meet Calvin and the rest of the crew in Minnesota where they would kick off the tour.

  Because the other musician had dropped out so suddenly, there wasn’t a lot of time to prepare. Justin got lucky because when he explained the situation to the managers at his day job, they agreed to grant him an unpaid leave of absence. The president of the software company that Justin worked for was a huge Calvin Sprockett fan, so that helped.

  While on the outside everything was falling into place, in my mind, everything was falling apart. I wanted so badly to just be thrilled for him—a part of me was. I just couldn’t separate that part from my own sadness and fear.

  While we used those final days wisely, spending time together with Bea, things were extremely tense between us. Right after he’d made the decision to go on the tour, I explained to Justin during coffee one morning that I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to take things any further physically before he left. I told him it would only make his leaving more difficult for me. I used that as a big excuse. Even though he claimed to understand, I knew deep down he saw it for what it was: a lack of faith in his loyalty to me. I retreated to my own room every night, and he didn’t try to stop me.

  Two days before his scheduled departure, I had to go to Providence to grab my stuff out of storage. I could no longer afford to keep it there, since I wasn’t working. I planned to donate as much of it as I could and have a yard sale in Newport for some of the smaller items. Most of it was stuff I no longer needed anyway. My friend Tracy’s husband met me with his truck and helped me load most of the belongings before he transported the majority to a Salvation Army store.

  Justin had stayed behind in Newport with Bea while I made the trek to Providence.

  The entire ride back home to the island, I was filled with emotion over Justin’s impending departure. I could almost hear the clock ticking in my brain. The past several months played in my head like a movie that was nearing its end. There was no doubt in my mind that this exposure would give Justin unprecedented fame. He was about to be swallowed up whole, and I really didn’t think he knew what was coming. Having witnessed it firsthand on a smaller scale, I knew how women reacted to him. That was about to be multiplied by a thousand. His life would never be the same again. Neither would mine.

  When I returned to the beach house, things were unusually quiet. Something that smelled like tomato sauce was baking in the oven. With a click of the stove light, I could see it was lasagna.

  “Hello?” I yelled.

  “We’re upstairs!” I heard Justin call out.

  It sounded like it was raining inside of Justin’s room. The sound was mixed with tranquil music. When I opened the door, my heart nearly stopped.

  Justin’s bed was gone. In its place was Bea’s white crib. A fluffy butter-yellow area rug had been placed on the floor. Illuminated stars were projected onto the ceiling as they slowly moved. The sounds of nature were coming from a machine on the bureau. A framed Anne Geddes picture was mounted onto the wall. It depicted a sleeping baby dressed as a bumblebee.

  I covered my mouth. “How…when…did you…”

  He was holding Bea. “She needed her own room. Bumblebee’s getting big, can’t sleep in there with you forever. It’s time. Your being in Providence today was the perfect opportunity to surprise you before I left.”

  Bea’s eyes were transfixed upon the floating stars on the ceiling as she moved her little head, stretching her neck to follow their path.

  I smiled. “She really loves those, huh?”

  “I knew she would. Sometimes when she’s up at night with me, I take her up on the deck. We look up at the stars together. Maybe she’ll look at these and think of me while I’m away.” His words squeezed at my heart.

  “I never knew you did that with her.” I walked around the room, admiring the transformation. “Where is all your stuff?”

  “I broke down my bed, threw it in the corner of my office for now.”

  Something about his vacating the bedroom and turning it over to Bea suddenly seemed so final and didn’t sit right with me. I started to read into the meaning and overreacted.

  My heart started to pound in panic. “You’re not coming back.” I hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

  “What?”

  “You gave up your room because you know you’re not coming back here. You’ll go away, become a big star. You’ll visit, but deep down, you know you won’t be living here anymore.”

  It was like all of my insecurities suddenly had a voice. I really hadn’t meant to lay everything out on the line like that. It all just came out after a long, stressful day.

  Justin was speechless at first. When he finally spoke, his tone bordered on angry. “That’s what you think?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I’m just thinking out loud.”

  “I made this nursery because she shouldn’t be sleeping in your fucking room. She deserves a nice space of her own. I was planning this long before I ever knew about the tour. I gradually collected this stuff over the past month, hid everything in my closet.” He reached into the bureau drawer for a pile of receipts
, took them out and roughly threw them up in the air. The white slips rained down onto the floor. “Look at the dates on these. They’re from weeks ago.”

  I felt really stupid. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been stressed over your leaving. I was trying not to let it show, and I guess it finally caught up with me.”

  “You think I’m trying to separate myself from you? You’re the one who put up a gigantic wall the second I told you about the tour. If I had my way, I would want nothing more than to sleep in your fucking bed tonight—inside of you—because I’m leaving in less than two days. Two days, Amelia! Instead of enjoying each other, you’ve been shutting me out. I’m respecting your wishes and not pushing anything because I know my leaving is hard enough for you, but fuck!”

  Feeling ashamed, I said, “I’m sorry for overreacting. I made this about more than the nursery. The room is beautiful. Really.”

  “I’m gonna go check on the food.” Justin placed Bea in her crib and abruptly left the room, slamming the door behind him. I looked up at the stars on the ceiling, deeply regretting my loss of composure. The sound machine had switched to a medley of thunder and lightning. It was a fitting representation of the mood.

  Dinner was a quiet one that night.

  With no permanent bedroom anymore, Justin slept on the couch.

  I didn’t sleep at all.

  ***

  Justin would be gone tomorrow.

  I needed to fix things before he left, or I would regret it. Bea was quietly napping in her new nursery, so I figured I would take the opportunity to talk to him.

  Justin’s mountain of black luggage was piled together in the corner of his office. The sight of that alone gave me anxiety.

  As I made my way down the hall, the sound of him beating the punching bag could be heard coming from the exercise room.

  Standing in the doorway, I watched as he hit the bag with more force than I’d ever seen him exhibit before. Justin was completely in a zone and either hadn’t noticed me or pretended not to.