RoomHate

  “Justin.”

  He didn’t stop. It was unclear whether he could hear me, since he was wearing earbuds. I could hear the music blasting through them.

  “Justin,” I repeated louder.

  He continued to ignore me as he hit the bag even harder.

  “Justin!” I screamed.

  This time he looked over at me briefly, but he didn’t stop punching. That confirmed that he was definitely ignoring me.

  Determined not to run away from this situation no matter how painful, I stayed in the doorway watching him for several minutes until he finally stopped. Leaning against the punching bag and gripping it, he looked down at the floor while gasping for air but said nothing. After a long moment of silence, he finally spoke.

  “I’m losing you, and I haven’t even left yet.” He turned to me. “This tour is not worth that.”

  “You have to go. You’re not losing me. I just don’t know how to handle it.”

  A stream of sweat trickled down the length of his glistening chest as he walked toward me but stopped short of touching me. The smell of his skin mixed with cologne served as a reminder as to just how much I was kidding myself when it came to my ability to steer away from him sexually.

  “It’s understandable. Completely understandable,” he said.

  “What is?”

  “All of your worries…I would feel the same if you were the one going on a tour. That scene is no joke. I get why you’re scared.”

  It didn’t exactly comfort me to know that he felt my worry was founded.

  He continued, “It’s not that you don’t trust me now, but you think that environment will somehow change me, make me want different things than I want now.”

  “Yes. That’s exactly right. If you understand my fear, then why are you so angry at me for it?”

  “It’s more like…frustrated. Everything is happening so fast, and I’m running out of time to fix this before I leave. We have to trust that what we’ve been working toward is worth more than all of the crazy shit that life might throw at us in the next five months. I’m also scared, because I don’t ever want to let you or Bea down.” The look of fear in his eyes was unprecedented, and the uncertainty in them made me uneasy.

  “Let me down?”

  “Yes. Bea is getting attached to me. While she won’t remember these past several months, she’s only getting older and will start to understand more as time passes. This isn’t a game. I know that. I would rather die than hurt her.”

  Even though he wasn’t saying it in so many words, I took his statement to mean that he still wasn’t sure if he wanted a child, which in turn meant he might have been unsure about us. It pained me to know that he still held doubts, given how phenomenal he was with Bea.

  And with me.

  This tour was forcing Justin to do something he never would have done otherwise; it was forcing him to leave us, to step back and reflect on the responsibility he unknowingly walked into the day he decided to come to Newport one month early last summer, expecting an empty house. He certainly got way more than he ever bargained for that day. He’d been our rock ever since. Even though I didn’t want to lose him, he needed this separation to figure out what he truly wanted.

  I knew that I truly wanted him. I also knew that I loved him enough to let him go. I vowed not to push guilt any longer.

  This tour was a blessing in disguise, because it would give him the space to determine what was really meant to be. I certainly didn’t want Bea to get any more attached to him if we weren’t strong enough to survive this. It was more important now to protect her heart than my own.

  I reluctantly admitted my realization to him. “Maybe this time away is necessary. It will help you realize what you really want out of life.”

  He surprised me when he admitted, “I think you’re right.”

  His agreeing with me caused my stomach to drop a bit. At the same time, I vowed to be strong, to let fate take its course. I wouldn’t act stupidly and sabotage anything one way or the other, because I loved him. So much. I wanted the best for him, wanted him to be happy even if that didn’t involve Bea and me.

  The universe had already shown that it had plans for me, ones that were beyond my control. Bea was proof of that. I had to trust that something bigger than us was at the helm and that this latest challenge had a purpose. The only thing I was sure of was that it would either tear us apart or make us stronger than ever.

  At the end of five months, I’d have my answer.

  ***

  It rained that entire day.

  As if Bea could sense that something was off, she refused to sleep in her new crib that night. It made me think that it was quite possible that babies had a sixth sense. Ever since Justin had redone the nursery, she loved sleeping in there and watching the stars. But tonight—Justin’s last night—Bea only quieted in the safety of my arms. Intuition, maybe. So, I let her lie next to me in my bed, even though, like me, she couldn’t fall asleep.

  The closer it got to midnight, the more melancholy I became as insomnia continued to win out.

  Justin’s knock was light. “Amelia, are you awake?”

  “Yeah. Come in.”

  He entered and lay down on my bed next to us, repositioning the covers. “I can’t sleep.”

  “Are you nervous?” I asked.

  “Scared as hell is more like it.”

  “About what in particular?”

  He let out a single sarcastic laugh. “Everything. I’m scared to leave you alone, scared she won’t remember me…scared she will remember me—remember that I left. I’m scared to perform in front of thousands of people, scared to fuck up. You name it. I’m worried about it.”

  “You shouldn’t be worried about performing. You’re gonna knock ‘em dead.”

  Ignoring my assurance, he took Bea from next to me and placed her on his chest. Her breathing started to even out.

  It broke my heart when he softly kissed her head and whispered in her ear, “I’m sorry, Bumblebee.”

  My mood had been all over the place throughout the day, alternating between feeling sorry for myself and Bea, to feeling proud and excited for him. In this particular intimate moment, I felt compelled not as his lover—but as his friend—to help him understand that he deserved this opportunity that he’d worked his entire life for. He had nothing to be sorry for. That was how I knew I truly loved him, because in the eleventh hour, all I wanted was to take away his guilt and make him feel good, regardless of how much his leaving hurt.

  “Nana would be so proud of you, Justin. She always used to tell me that she believed you were destined for greatness. When you go out there, don’t even think about how many people are watching, just sing for her, sing to Nana…do this for her.”

  “She’d be pleased with how you turned out, too, Patch…all you’ve undertaken. The mother you’ve become despite how shitty your own mother was. Nana would be so damn proud. I’m so damn proud.”

  With Bea now fast asleep on his chest, Justin leaned in to kiss me. He began to devour my mouth, firm but tenderly. We kissed for several minutes, careful not to wake Bea.

  He spoke into my mouth, “I want to make love to you so badly right now. But at the same time, I get why you think that would make tomorrow even harder. I don’t know if I could ever walk out of here after that.”

  “I don’t think Bea would allow it right now anyway. She looks too comfortable.”

  He looked down at her and smiled. “You’re probably right.” He turned to me, his blue eyes luminescent in the darkness. “Promise me a few things.”

  “Okay.”

  “Promise me that we’ll video chat at least every other day.”

  “Sure. That’ll be easy.”

  “Promise me that if you get lonely, you’ll call me any time—day or night.”

  “I will. What else?”

  “Promise me that we won’t keep anything important from each other and that we’ll always be honest with each other.”


  That one made me feel a little queasy as I started pondering what things he anticipated having to be honest with me about.

  “Okay. I promise.” I swallowed. “Anything else?”

  “No. I just want to sleep next to you and Bea tonight. Is that okay?”

  “Of course.” I took his hand. “It’s going to be okay, Justin. We’ll be okay.”

  He smiled and whispered, “Yeah.”

  Justin placed Bea between the two of us. As she lay in the middle, Justin and I looked into each other’s eyes until sleep finally claimed us.

  ***

  When I woke up the next morning, panic hit me for a brief moment because Justin was gone from the bed. Looking at the clock, I calmed down, realizing it was only 9AM. He wasn’t scheduled to leave until around noon.

  The smell of his signature coffee brewing wafted up the stairwell and immediately made me sad. It would be the last time I would smell his coffee fusion for a long time.

  Feeling my eyes getting watery, I took my sweet time before going downstairs, hoping to regain my composure before then. I did some mindless things: cleaned the bedroom, threw a load of laundry in, anything than to have him see me break down. Bea was watching me from her Exersaucer as I ran around my room like a maniac.

  Justin walked in as I was vacuuming my rug. I wouldn’t look up at him as I moved the vacuum back and forth.

  “Amelia.”

  I pushed it along the carpet faster.

  “Amelia!” he yelled.

  I finally looked at him. He must have seen the sadness in my eyes because his expression slowly darkened. I just stared at him as the vacuum continued to run, even though I’d stopped moving it. A teardrop fell down my cheek, and I knew I had officially lost my ability to hide my feelings.

  He slowly approached and shut off the vacuum, his hand lingering over mine which was still gripping the handle.

  “I’ve been waiting to have coffee with you,” he said. “I need to have breakfast with you and Bea one last time before I leave. It’s my favorite thing in the world.”

  I wiped my eyes. “Okay.”

  “It’s fucking okay to be sad. Stop trying to hide it from me. I won’t hide it, either.” His voice cracked a little. “I’m so fucking sad right now, Amelia. The last thing I want to do right now is leave you guys. But time is running out. Don’t waste it hiding from me.”

  He was right.

  Sniffling, I nodded. “Let’s go have coffee.”

  Justin lifted Bea into his arms as he closed his eyes tightly and breathed in her scent as if he wanted to burn it into memory. When he pulled back, he lifted her up into the air as she looked down at him. “Are you my Bumblebee?”

  She smiled at him, and if that didn’t feel like a knife to the heart, I didn’t know what did. My emotions were all over the place again. A part of me was still selfishly angry at him.

  How could you leave us?

  Why haven’t you told me you love me?

  Why haven’t you told Bea you love her?

  You don’t love us.

  A bigger part was angry at myself for even having those kinds of thoughts again. I was coming to realize that it wasn’t so much the fact that he was leaving that bothered me as it was the fact that he was leaving me so unsure about where things really stood with us.

  He treated me as if he loved me, but even when we were acting like a family, he’d never defined our relationship, never even labeled me his girlfriend.

  As Justin prepared the mugs of coffee like he always did, I followed every move he made and couldn’t help but wonder what the next time I’d watch him make coffee would be like.

  When he handed me my cup, I put on the best smile I could. I didn’t want him to leave thinking of my sad face. Just as I was trying like hell to put on a happy facade, his own expression turned sullen.

  “What is it, Justin?”

  “I just feel helpless. If you need anything, I told Tom you might call him from time to time. I left his number on the fridge. He said anytime day or night, don’t hesitate. Call him instead of that tool next door, please. I also installed a new alarm system.” He waved a hand, leading me to the door. “Come on, I’ll show you how to use it.”

  Everything he was saying was muffled as my eyes followed his fingers, hands, and lips as he explained how to maneuver the alarm control pad. His voice was fading into the background, losing the battle with my accumulating panic.

  Justin took notice and stopped talking. “You know what? I’ll email you the instructions.” He stared at me for a bit before pulling me into an embrace. He held me for what seemed like several minutes, slowly rubbing my back. There wasn’t anything we could do to slow down time.

  I watched from the window as Justin loaded his luggage into the back of the Range Rover.

  When he came back inside, we took a quick but quiet walk on the beach with Bea. At one point, I stayed behind as Justin took Bea closer to the shore. He whispered something in her ear. That made me curious, but I never asked him what he’d said to her.

  Once we returned to the house, it was time for Justin to leave. The morning had flown by way too fast; it almost seemed unfair.

  Trying to suppress my tears, I said, “I can’t believe this moment is finally here.”

  Miraculously, I was able to keep the crying at bay because, mostly, I was in shock. The best thing I could do for him right now was to reassure him that I would support him while he experienced this new chapter, let him know that I would be there for him in the very way we started—as a friend.

  I returned his own sentiments from earlier. “The same goes for you, Justin. If you need me, or you get lonely, or maybe you’re feeling doubtful, you call me day or night. I’ll be here.”

  Justin was still holding Bea as he placed his forehead on mine and simply said, “Thank you.” We stayed like that for a while with Bea sandwiched in the middle of us.

  Still wanting to avoid breaking out in tears, I forced myself away. “You’d better go. You’ll miss your flight.”

  He kissed Bea’s head gently then said, “I’ll call you when I land in Minneapolis.”

  Bea and I stood in the doorway, watching as he walked away. He got in the car and started it but didn’t move. He looked over at us as we continued to wait. Bea was reaching out her hand to him and babbling; she obviously had no clue what was going on.

  Why wasn’t he moving?

  He suddenly got out of the car, slamming the door. My heartbeat accelerated with each step he took toward me. Before I could ask him whether he’d forgotten something, his hand wrapped around the back of my head, pulling me into him. He opened his mouth wide over mine, plunging his tongue inside and twirling it around at an almost desperate pace as he groaned into my mouth. He tasted like coffee and a flavor all his own. This was not the time to be getting aroused, but I couldn’t help my body’s reaction.

  When he forced himself back, his eyes were hazy, filled with just as much confusion as passion. I had to once again remind myself of the old adage of setting someone free, that if they come back they’re yours; if they don’t, they never were.

  Please come back to me.

  He said nothing else as he walked back to the car, started it and this time…drove off.

  CHAPTER 18

  Blind faith.

  That was the only thing helping me get through that first month with Justin away. Somehow, I just had to convince myself to trust his actions and judgement, even though I couldn’t be there to see what was actually happening.

  He called us every night. Sometimes, it would be during what he referred to as his relaxation time around 8PM, right before their 9PM performances. Other times, it would be during his lunch or dinner break. From what he’d told me, his daily itinerary was jam-packed with sound checks and rehearsals at each new venue. The only down time was after the show, and by then, he was roped into after parties or just plain exhausted. If the band stayed more than one night in the same city, they would all check into a hot
el. If they had to be in another locale the next day, they would drive through the night and sleep on the bus.

  There were two buses, one for Calvin and the main band and one for Justin and the rest of the crew. According to Justin, each bus slept about twelve people. I never asked him which bus Olivia slept in, because I was afraid of the answer.

  Blind faith.

  Okay, well even though I chose to have faith in him, I still discovered a little window into their world that would satisfy my episodes of paranoia. It came in the form of Olivia’s Instagram page.

  Back when Jade lived at the beach house and used to complain about Olivia’s commenting on all of Justin’s posts, I searched his page to check out Olivia’s profile. I’d stalked her online occasionally even before Justin left. Now, each day, she would post pictures from the tour. Many were just scenic shots, like the sunrise taken from the bus as they entered a new city or whatever the band and crew happened to be eating. Other shots were of Calvin and his band backstage.

  One particular night when Bea was sleeping, I opened up Instagram. Olivia posted a picture of Justin performing. It was just a standard shot of him leaning into the microphone with the spotlight shining down onto his beautiful face, which was framed by that five-o’clock shadow. It made me long to be there, to see him perform on the big stage. When I looked lower, I noticed the hashtags.

  #LadyKiller

  #JustinBanks

  #UsedToTapThat

  #ExesOfInstagram

  Despite the fact that it bothered me, I refused to bring it up to him, refused to play the role of jealous girlfriend, especially when he hadn’t labeled me his girlfriend at all.

  A knock at the door startled me. I shut my laptop.

  Who would be coming by this late?

  Thankfully, in addition to the alarm system, Justin had drilled a peephole into my door before he left.

  A woman with long brown hair like mine was standing there shivering. She looked innocent enough, so I opened the door.

  “Can I help you?”

  “Hi.” She grinned. “Amelia, right?”