RoomHate

  “You don’t need to apologize again; you already did.”

  “If you don’t forgive me, then I do need to keep repeating it.”

  He let out a long, deep breath. “Like I’ve said to you before, I’ve moved on from it.”

  I didn’t want him to move on. I wanted to go backwards, back in time and hug him. Never let him go.

  Still reeling from his admission, I dug my nails into the back of the couch and said, “I don’t want us to be virtual strangers. You still mean so much to me. The fact that you’re angry at me won’t change that.”

  “What do you want from me?”

  “I want us to try to be friends again. I want us to be able to sit in the same room and talk to each other, maybe have a few laughs. We’re gonna always own this house together in any case. Someday, we’ll be bringing children here. We need to get along.”

  “I am not gonna have children,” he said emphatically.

  The fact that Jade had confided in me about Justin’s not wanting kids had skipped my mind.

  “Jade told me.”

  “She did, did she? What else did you talk about? My dick size? You tell her you got a good look at it?”

  I chose not to entertain the quip and stayed with the subject at hand. “Why don’t you want children, Justin?”

  “You of all people should understand that it’s asinine to bring a child into this world if you’re not one-hundred percent sure of your capabilities. My parents are a prime example of people who should have never procreated.”

  “You’re not your parents.”

  “No, but I’m a fucked-up product of their mistakes, and I’m not gonna repeat history.”

  It made me immensely sad that he felt that way. Thinking back to how protective he always was of me, I knew Justin would make an amazing father. He just couldn’t see that. Knowing that I had promised we wouldn’t rehash the past beyond tonight, an urgent need to get more off my chest overtook me.

  “I beg to differ. I think that you are so much stronger as a person because you had to grow up a lot quicker than kids who were coddled and handed everything easily. You’ve given to others what your parents neglected to give you. I’ll never forget how you always managed to make me laugh even when it seemed impossible, how you always knew exactly what I needed, how you always protected me. Those are the qualities that would make someone a good parent. And whether you have children or not, you are an amazing human being. Not only that, your musical talent completely blows me away. It makes me so sad to think of everything that I missed because of my stupidity and fear. I know we’ve both changed somewhat, but I still see all the good in you even when you are trying so hard to hide behind a mask.” My eyes started to water, and a teardrop fell. “I miss you, Justin.” It felt like everything had just come pouring out of me before I could think about the consequences of being so open about my feelings.

  He startled me when he reached over and swiped a teardrop from my cheek with his thumb, prompting me to close my eyes. His touch felt so good.

  “I think we’ve talked enough for tonight,” he said.

  Nodding, I said, “Okay.”

  He lifted himself off the couch and turned off the television. “Come on. Let’s get some air.”

  I followed his lead out the front door and down to the beach. We walked in silence for what seemed like an eternity. The night was still except for the sound of the waves crashing. The ocean breeze was calming, and as strange as it was, the silence between us seemed like a therapeutic exercise of some kind. It felt as though a huge weight had been lifted because I’d gotten to say what I wanted to. Even though there wasn’t really a clear conclusion to our conflict, it was more closure than I’d ever had with him.

  The sound of Justin’s phone interrupted the quiet of our walk. He picked it up.

  “Hey, babe.”

  “Everything is good.”

  “That’s great. Wow. It’s really happening.”

  “Just taking a walk.”

  I found it interesting that he didn’t mention he was with me.

  “Me too. Can’t wait.”

  “I love you, too.”

  “Alright. Bye.”

  After he hung up, I looked at him. “How’s Jade?”

  “She’s good. She’s going to get to perform tomorrow night because the lead’s grandfather died.”

  “Wow. That’s amazing. Well, not that the grandfather died…”

  “Yeah. I got that.”

  Not another word was spoken until we started to approach the house.

  Justin pointed to something in the distance. “Do you see that?”

  “Where?”

  The next thing I knew I felt weightless. Justin had lifted me off my feet and was running toward the shore. Judging from his laughter, there was nothing to point out; he’d just been trying to distract me long enough to snatch me up.

  Jerk.

  He dumped my fully clothed body into the ocean. Salty water ran down my throat and up my nose. Justin immediately ran back to the sand, leaving me to wade through the water after him. He’d planted himself on the sand and was still laughing. He’d taken off his shirt which had gotten wet, and his pants were soaked.

  “Do you feel better now?” I huffed.

  “A little.” He chuckled. “Actually…a lot.”

  “Well…good. I’m glad for you,” I said, wringing out my dress.

  He stood up. “Let me.” Justin surprised me when he stood behind me and twisted my long hair to help get the water out. His hands lingered for a few seconds, causing my nipples to tingle. I turned around to distract from it and was met by his blue eyes staring into mine. They were glowing in the reflection of the light coming from our house. He looked heartbreakingly handsome.

  Fumbling my words a bit, I said, “Um…thank you. Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be thanking you, because you caused it.”

  “It was a long time coming. I’d wanted to throw you in the water since the first day I got here.”

  “Oh really…”

  “Yeah. Really.” He smiled mischievously.

  “By the way, why are you still here?”

  He squinted. “What do you mean?”

  “You could have easily gone back to New York with Jade. You know that.”

  “Are you implying something?”

  “I’m not implying anything. I just know that you’ve been using the Sandy’s gig as the reason, and I find that hard to believe.”

  “What do you want to hear, Amelia…that I’m here because of you?”

  “No…I don’t know. I—”

  “I don’t know why I’m here. Alright? That’s the truth. It just didn’t feel like it was time to leave.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “Are you done interrogating me for one night…pain in my ass?”

  “Yes.” I smiled. “Payne in my ass” was another name he used to call me. It was a play on my last name—Payne.

  “Good.”

  “For the record, I’m really glad you stayed.”

  He shook his head and rubbed his eyes then said, “Trying to hate you is exhausting.”

  “So, stop trying.”

  My teeth started to chatter; it was getting chilly out.

  “We’d better go inside,” he said.

  Following him to the house, I couldn’t help thinking that the cold air outside had nothing on the warm feeling inside of me from having reconnected with him tonight.

  “You hungry?” he asked.

  “Starving, actually.”

  “Go change. I’ll make dinner.”

  “Really?”

  “Well, we gotta eat, don’t we?”

  “Yeah. I guess we do. I’ll be back.” I smiled all the way to my room, giddy from the idea of him cooking for me.

  When I returned with a dry outfit, my heart fluttered at the sight of Justin standing at the stove. He was still shirtless and wearing his gray beanie while frying some vegetables in a pan.

  I cleared my t
hroat. “Smells good. What are you making?”

  “Just a teriyaki stir fry with rice…seeing as though you have a limited palette. When the hell did you stop eating red meat anyway? You used to be a carnivore.”

  He must have remembered how much we enjoyed Burger Barn together in the old days.

  “One day, I just woke up and thought about how bizarre it was to be eating a cow. It made no sense. And I just stopped cold turkey.”

  “Seriously? That’s kind of ridiculous.”

  “Yes.”

  “You’ve always been a little bizarre, Amelia. I can’t say that surprises me.”

  I winked. “That’s why you love me.” I’d meant it to come out facetiously but immediately regretted using the word love given his prior admission. When he didn’t respond, I panicked and diarrhea of the mouth developed. “I didn’t mean that you still love me. I was just joking. I—”

  He held out his palm. “Stop while you’re ahead. I knew what you meant.”

  I pursed my lips, trying to think of a quick change of subject. “Do you think you’ll go back to playing at Sandy’s tomorrow night?”

  “Probably.”

  “Good. I’m really looking forward to hearing you perform again.”

  He grabbed two plates and emptied the contents of the pan onto each of them then slid mine across the counter. “Here.”

  “Thank you. This smells delicious.”

  The dish he’d made was actually very tasty. He’d added sesame seeds and water chestnuts. “Where did you learn to cook like this?”

  “Self-taught. I’ve been cooking for myself for years.”

  “Where are your parents now?”

  “I thought we were done talking about this stuff.”

  “Sorry. You’re right.”

  Despite his having said that, he looked up from his plate and answered my question anyway. “My mother moved back to Cincinnati when I was in college. They sold the house. My father lives in a condo in Providence now.”

  “How long after I left did things continue between my mother and him?”

  “About a year. My mother found out about what they were doing under our roof and kicked him out. He lived with Patricia for a while before things went sour between them.”

  “He moved in with her?”

  “Yeah.”

  I couldn’t believe it.

  “My mother kept that from me then. That explains why Nana stopped speaking to her around that time. She was mortified by their actions.”

  “I spent a lot of time over there with your grandmother before I moved away. She was the only person who kept me sane.”

  “Did you ever talk about me to her?”

  “She tried to get me to, but I wouldn’t.”

  “Do you think she left us both this house because she knew it would force us to face each other?”

  “I honestly don’t know, Amelia.”

  “I think she did.”

  “I had no intention of coming here and trying to make amends with you.”

  “No…really? I didn’t catch on.” When he cracked a slight smile, I asked, “Do you still feel the same?”

  “Things don’t change overnight. We talked. That’s not gonna erase years of shit that happened. We’re not going to just be able to magically be best friends again.”

  “I never expected that.” Playing with the remnants of my food, I thought long and hard before speaking again. “I’m just gonna say one last thing. And then I promise I won’t harp on it anymore.”

  “I wouldn’t put money on that.” When his mouth curved into another smile, it was enough to give me the confidence to spill my guts one last time.

  “I will probably spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t run away, if I’d just put my fear aside and told you everything I was feeling. You told me tonight that you were in love with me back then. I truly didn’t know that, Justin, but I wish I had. I really had no clue you felt that way. I need you to know that I loved you, too. I just had a really shitty way of showing it. And to think that you spent all of these years hating me. I just want you to be happy. If being around me makes you angry or stressed, then I don’t want to force anything, and if that’s the case, maybe it is best that we keep our distance. But if there’s a chance that we can truly be friends again, I would want nothing more. And I’m not stupid. Of course, I know it won’t happen overnight. That’s it. I won’t say anything else about it.” I got up from the table and put my plate in the dishwasher. “Thank you for dinner and for talking to me. I’m gonna turn in early.”

  Just as my foot hit the first step to go upstairs, his voice stopped me. “I never hated you. I couldn’t hate you if I tried. Believe me, I have tried.”

  Turning around and smiling, I said, “Good to know.”

  “Good night, Payne in my ass.”

  “Good night, Justin.”

  CHAPTER 7

  Two days later, I was having my morning coffee when a text notification lit up my phone. It was from Dr. Will Danger.

  How about dinner tomorrow night?

  I pondered my reply. It would probably do me some good to take advantage of a distraction from Justin. Since our talk the other night, things had been more cordial between us. At least he was no longer avoiding me. After he performed last night, we actually drove home from Sandy’s together. It was a quiet ride, but it was a step in the right direction. So, things were as good as they could have been.

  The problem was me. I still couldn’t curb my attraction to him and didn’t know where to draw the line on my emotions. I thought about him every second of the day. We’d be going our separate ways soon, not to mention the not so insignificant detail of his committed relationship with Jade. I would never do anything intentionally to jeopardize that. But I still couldn’t control my feelings.

  My fingers forced out a response to Will.

  Tomorrow night sounds great. Just let me know what time.

  Justin’s deep morning voice startled me. “I see you made coffee fusion.”

  I jumped, quickly putting down the phone.

  He snickered. “Oh. Did I interrupt something? You texting a boy?”

  “No.”

  He glared at me suspiciously. “Liar.”

  A nervous laugh escaped me. “Want some coffee?”

  “Trying to change the subject?”

  “Maybe.”

  “So, who was it?”

  “Will.”

  “Dr. Danger?”

  “Yes.”

  “Ever heard of stranger danger?”

  “Yes.”

  “They created that term about him.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “I’m pretty sure. Yeah.” He poured himself a mug of coffee and turned to me again. “Seriously? Dr. Cheeseball? You’re gonna go out with him?”

  Nodding, I said, “Tomorrow night. What’s your problem with him anyway?”

  “He’s disrespectful.”

  “In what way?”

  “That guy was eye fucking you before he even confirmed we weren’t together.”

  “Maybe he’s just perceptive.”

  “How?”

  “He sensed your disdain toward me. It was quite obvious.”

  “Where’s he taking you?”

  “I don’t know yet.”

  “You should find out.”

  “What does it matter?”

  “In case you go missing, I’ll know where to tell the police to start looking.”

  ***

  Evening rolled around, and I had absolutely no clue what to wear. Will said he was taking me to this restaurant on the water in nearby Tiverton. It was going to be a humid night, so I opted for a lightweight floral tube dress that I’d bought one afternoon while out shopping with Jade earlier this summer.

  I could hear Justin panting from down the hall.

  Not again.

  I didn’t dare go over there to assess the situation after what happened the last time I found myself wit
ness to that jerk-off jamboree. After several minutes, what sounded like punching was added into the mix. I broke my vow to stay out of it and marched out of my room to check things out.

  It turned out that Justin was in the exercise room beating the shit out of an Everlast punching bag.

  Beads of sweat were dripping down his sculpted back. The room smelled of sweat mixed with his cologne. His hair was drenched. He had earbuds in, and I could hear the music blasting through them. Gritting his teeth, he hit the black rubber contraption harder and harder. My heart beat faster with every punch.

  When I inched cautiously closer, he growled, “Get out of the way.” I flinched as his arm swung dangerously close to me.

  I backed up but stayed watching him from the corner of the room. I’d seen him working out before but never like this. He was like a beast, so strong and virile. It occurred to me that with Jade gone so long, he must have been sexually frustrated. Maybe that was why he was taking it out on the punching bag. Whatever the reason, I was transfixed by the energy he was expending and found myself unable to take my eyes off him.

  He suddenly stopped, took out his earbuds and moved over to the doorway where he’d set up a metal bar for pull ups. My eyes followed the movement of his body as he lifted his own weight, his rock hard abs tightening and curling with each lift.

  He jumped down from the bar and wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. “Nothing better to do than to watch me work out? Aren’t you supposed to be getting dressed for a date?”

  “I am dressed.”

  “That’s Jade’s dress, isn’t it?”

  “No. It’s the same one she has, but this one is mine. We both bought these from the same shop on clearance the same day.”

  “It looks normal on her. On you…it looks ridiculous.”

  My stomach sank. “Are you saying I’m fat?”

  “No, but your body is different than hers. That dress looks obscene on you.”

  Looking down at myself, I suddenly felt naked. “What are you talking about?”

  “You want me to spell it out?”

  “Yes.”

  He came up behind me, grabbing my shoulders and positioning me in front of the full-length mirror on the wall. Shivers ran down my spine from the feel of his rough hands on me.