Disgrace

  “Your father,” I muttered, my brows lowering. “You’re close to him?”

  “Yes. He’s the best man I’ve ever known.”

  I hadn’t a word to say to her comment. “Let me pay you back,” I said, almost aggressively.

  “You guys are already working on my car. That’s payback enough.”

  “No. Alex is fixing your car, not me.”

  “Really, Jackson, I—”

  “Please,” I begged—yes, I pleaded. I begged her to allow me to do something, anything, so I wouldn’t feel in debt to that woman and her family. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes. “Please let me do something for you.”

  “It’s hard for you, isn’t it?” she asked me. “Believing that people are good.”

  I didn’t reply, though I doubted she expected an answer. I’d seen enough bad to believe that the world wasn’t filled with goodness.

  “Well,” she started. “What do you want to do for me?”

  I grimaced.

  I didn’t know.

  I just knew that a handout from her couldn’t be floating over my head.

  “Or,” she started, apparently aware that I didn’t know how to pay her back. “We’ll figure that out when the time comes. How about that? Deal?” she asked, holding her hand out toward me. I took her hand into mine and shook.

  “Deal.”

  * * *

  Jackson

  Nine Years Old

  “What happened to you?” Dad asked me as I walked into the auto shop, grumbling with my head down. I didn’t look up. His voice grew sterner. “Jackson Paul, look at me.”

  My head rose, and he cringed when he saw me, dropping the tool in his hand. “Jesus,” he muttered, walking over to me.

  “It’s fine,” I huffed.

  “You have a black eye!” he barked, anger building inside him. Dad hardly ever got angry, but whenever I was bullied, his temper grew. “Who did this to you?” he asked, lightly touching my face.

  “Just those stupid kids at school. They pushed me into a locker, and my face hit the metal.”

  He grimaced and took my hand into his. “Come on.”

  We marched out to the open field where Ma was painting.

  Dad huffed and puffed. “Hannah, look.” He gestured toward my face. “Look what they did to his face.”

  Ma gasped, standing from her chair.

  I looked down at the ground.

  She placed her fingers against my cheeks. “Jackson, honey, who did this?”

  “Just some kids at school,” I explained. “It’s fine.”

  “It’s not,” Dad barked. He turned toward Ma. “Talking to the school board isn’t doing anything. It’s time to teach him to defend himself.”

  Ma shook her head. “So he can be just like them? No. Fighting isn’t the answer.”

  “Oh, and ignoring the kids is? Those monsters had the nerve to put their hands on my kid as the teachers stood around and did nothing. He’s taking self-defense classes.”

  “Mike—” Ma started, and he spoke over her. Then she spoke over him. Then they both just yelled at one another in the open field.

  My stomach hurt.

  “Are you guys fighting?” I asked, my voice shaky. I hated how it made me feel, seeing them argue over one another. I’d never seen them angry with each other, and now they were angry because of me. I didn’t want to make them sad. They were the only friends I had, and watching them fight made me sad.

  They both stopped talking, and they looked over at me.

  Dad took a deep inhale. “No, son. I’m sorry. I just…” He ran his hands through his hair. “It just upsets me when people hurt you.” He held his hand out to Ma, and she took it. He pulled her close. “It upsets us both.”

  “But why are you yelling at one another?”

  “We were just speaking loudly,” Ma smiled. “We want to figure out the best way to help you, and sometimes those conversations get heated. I’m sorry, love.”

  “We both are,” Dad agreed.

  I took a breath, still feeling uneasy.

  Lately, it seemed every time someone bullied me, Ma and Dad took it out on one another.

  “Listen, I’m going to clean up this mess out here, and then I’ll head inside to cook us some dinner, okay?” Ma said. “How about you two go read another chapter from Harry Potter and relax a bit?”

  When I wasn’t painting with Ma, I was reading young adult books with Dad. Ma taught me how to love art, and Dad taught me how to love words.

  There wasn’t a night that passed when he didn’t sit in my bedroom at night, reading books to me.

  Those were some of my favorite times.

  He was my best friend.

  He and I headed into the house, and we sat on the couch to read. As he began, I listened closely, and every now and then, he’d look up at my eye, frown, and then he’d pulled me in for a side hug.

  “Do you and Ma hate each other?” I asked, worry still filling me.

  He arched an eyebrow. “What?”

  “You were fighting and yelling.”

  “Sometimes people argue. It doesn’t mean they hate one another.”

  “But—”

  “Your mother is my best friend, Jackson.” His eyes glassed over, and he sniffled a bit. “She’s my whole world, just like you. You both mean more to me than you could ever know.”

  “You love her?”

  “Yes, son.” A tear rolled down his cheek, and he nodded, wiping it away. “With all that I am.”

  “Okay.” My stomach stopped hurting as much. I leaned back against Dad and nodded slowly. “You can keep reading now.”

  He cleared his throat and sighed, looking back at his book. “Chapter fourteen…”

  14

  Grace

  Sunday morning church was the highlight of the week in Chester. It was a staple in our lives, and my father was the man who ran it. And boy, was he good at what he did. I just wished my attention could’ve been on him more that morning.

  “Sit up straight, Gracelyn Mae,” Mama whisper-shouted at me in the pew on Sunday morning. “A proper lady doesn’t slouch.”

  I sat up straighter and rolled my shoulders back as I listened to Dad preach his sermon. A few people sitting behind us began to whisper, and my ears perked up as Finn’s name fell from their lips.

  “Yeah, he came straight from Autumn’s home last night. I wonder if she even knows,” they said, making my stomach twist into knots.

  “It’s sad to see their marriage crumble. I thought they were going to make it.”

  “Yes well, that’s today’s generation. They don’t even fight for their partner anymore. I heard he wasn’t the first one to step out on their relationship.”

  “It’s always the good girls, isn’t it?”

  I moved to twist around and snap at the gossiping women, but Mama placed a firm hand on my knee and shook her head back and forth slightly.

  “Straighter, Gracelyn Mae,” she told me.

  I sat up even more.

  “Rumor has it Finley wanted a family, but Grace didn’t want to get pregnant. Didn’t want to ruin her figure. Even though it looks a bit…different.”

  “I noticed her weight gain, too. It’s a shame.”

  My mind began to spin as I was forced to sit there and be ridiculed by townsfolk. I wasn’t even allowed to stand up for myself because I was Gracelyn Mae Harris, the well-behaved angel of Chester, Georgia.

  What hurt the most was the fact that those people who were whispering were the same ones hugging me in the marketplace. They smiled to my face while literally talking behind my back.

  They’re gonna bleed you out till you’re nothing, and then they’re gonna ask how you died.

  I did my best to blink away my tears, too, because the perfect princess never cried.

  “Can you just not?!” a voice snapped, making the whole church go silent. Dad stopped preaching, thrown off by the sudden shout. I turned to my left to see Judy facing the rude individuals, w
ho had looks of shock painted across their face.

  “How about you listen to the sermon instead of gossiping about things that you know nothing about?” She then turned back to the front, and the room remained quiet. She nodded once toward our father and cleared her throat, sitting up straighter like the proper princess. “Sorry, Dad. You can continue.”

  He did exactly that, completely unmoved by the disruption.

  After the sermon, I caught Mama giving Judy a stern talking-to in the corner of the church. I moved in close enough to hear Mama preaching her own words. “How dare you embarrass us like that, Judith Rae!”

  “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t listen to them talk about Grace like that, and I’m shocked that you could. They have no clue what’s going on in her life!”

  “That’s on them, but it’s not your job to educate them on it. Their gossipy ways are between them and Jesus.”

  “Yes, well, maybe Jesus wasn’t listening that closely today, so I decided to join the conversation,” Judy snapped.

  She snapped back to Mama.

  Who was this new sister of mine, and how could I tell her I loved her with more than words?

  “You’re acting like a child, Judith. Stop it.”

  “You’re acting like those people are your family. You’re so concerned with how the church views you that you don’t even care how your daughters do. What ever happened to always and always, Mama? When did you stop believing in it?” she asked before walking off in a huff.

  I was stunned. Simply stunned. Never in my life have Judy or I stormed away from Mama. We always waited for her to leave the room in a huff and puff because that was how it was meant to be. We never sassed our mother, and she always had the last word. Until that afternoon.

  I felt as if I was in a weird twilight zone, and I hadn’t a clue which way was up.

  Mama glanced my way and hurried over to me. “Are you happy, Grace? Are you pleased that your sister is acting out like you now?”

  “No,” I whispered, shaking my head. “Of course not. Mama, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen.”

  She frowned and shook her head. “But you’re not doing anything to fix it.”

  “What do you mean fix it? My husband left me for my best friend.”

  “He didn’t leave you. Has he spoken of divorce papers?”

  I swallowed. “No.”

  “So he’s still your husband.”

  “Yes, technically, but—”

  “I called him last night.”

  “What do you mean you called him?”

  “I called him,” she said matter-of-factly.

  “Why would you do that?”

  “I wanted to hear things from his point of view. I wanted to make sure he was okay.”

  My heart began to drown once more.

  “He cheated on me, Mama. He left me, and you’re asking if he’s okay?”

  She didn’t once ask me that question. She never asked if I was okay.

  She stood tall, looking as beautiful as ever, and pursed her lips together. “He’s still my son-in-law, Grace. He’s our family.”

  “I’m your daughter,” I argued.

  “Please listen, Grace,” she whispered. “He said he still loves you.”

  “He’s a liar.”

  “Bite your tongue,” she scolded me. “We have known the Braun family all our lives, and Finley Braun wouldn’t lie about loving you.”

  “You’d be surprised at what he could lie about, Mama. Plus, maybe it takes more than love to make a marriage last.”

  “Yes, it does. It takes forgiveness and prayer,” she scolded me.

  “She was my best friend. He’s dating my best friend. They are still together.”

  “I know it’s messy…” Mama started.

  I huffed. “Messy?!” My voice was louder than she liked. “Come on, Mama. You’re being ridiculous.”

  “I am not. People make mistakes, Gracelyn Mae, and if you don’t show him that you still want him, you’ll lose him completely. As his wife, it is your duty to stand by your husband even when he’s lost. You have to lead him back home.”

  “But Autumn—”

  “Autumn didn’t stand before you and say vows. What she did was horrible, but it is no concern to you, not really. She means nothing to your life. Finley means everything. Who are you without Finn, Grace? He’s been by your side more than half of your lifetime. You both are a part of each other. Just because the days are dark doesn’t mean we stop trying. Youth today are so quick to throw away relationships before even giving them a chance to heal. There’s healing in time.”

  My stomach was in knots, and I hadn’t a clue how to respond because I’ve somewhat been wondering the same thing. Without Finn, who was I? He’d been such a big part of my existence that I wasn’t certain how to go about living without him.

  Our lives had been so tangled that I was almost certain he took parts of me when he untied our love.

  Who was I supposed to be now?

  Was I even still a person of my own accord?

  Without Finley, did I even exist?

  Yet none of that mattered. Not really.

  Because even if I fought for his love, even if I prayed for him to come back to me, he’d still have had an affair with my best friend. If it were a stranger, perhaps I could’ve moved on. Perhaps I could’ve found a drop of forgiveness in my soul, but with Autumn?

  No.

  I’d never be able to trust him again, and every second he was gone from my touch, I’d imagine him embraced in hers.

  What kind of life was that to live?

  What kind of woman would I be if I melted back into the arms of the man who repeatedly betrayed me?

  “You aren’t even going to try, are you?” Mama frowned. “You’re not going to give him a chance? He’d said he’s been calling you.”

  “I have nothing to say to him.”

  “Your stubbornness is going to ruin your life.”

  “Mama…” I whispered, blinking a few times and rubbing the side of my neck. “Can’t you just choose me today? If only for one day?”

  Not even a glimpse of compassion crossed her face as she glanced around the church. “Gracelyn, I need you to start acting your age instead of acting out like a child. If you are going to stay in Chester for a while, you need to act appropriately.”

  “Act appropriately? What are you talking about?”

  “You are the daughter of the pastor, which, in turn, makes you the daughter of this town. You have a responsibility to your family, to this town, to show up with a smile and class.”

  “Mama—”

  “I’m serious, Grace. I don’t want to argue, and I’m tired of getting calls from people about how odd you’re acting.”

  “What? What does that even mean?”

  “People have been talking about seeing you wandering through town crying and how your whole personality seems”—she cleared her throat—“off. Plus, what were you doing down at that auto shop talking to that—thing?”

  “Excuse me? Mama, do you have people spying on me?” I asked, stunned.

  “Of course not, Gracelyn. Don’t be ridiculous. But this is a small town, and people do have eyes of their own. You need to stay away from those Emery men. They are reckless.”

  “Do you even really know them, Mama? Like really?”

  “I know enough.”

  “From Mike’s one mistake years ago.”

  She huffed. “One mistake? You must be out of your mind to think Mad Mike has only made one mistake.”

  “You shouldn’t call him that,” I softly spoke.

  “Why? That’s what he is—he’s insane. Since you’ve been gone, he’s been in and out of the jail cell and piss drunk all over town. He’s a pain to this town, and we’d be better off without him and his sinful son.”

  “Sinful son? Come on, that’s a bit much.” I didn’t know why, but I felt the way she was judging Jackson was a bit unfair. Yes, he was mean, but could you really blame hi
m for being that way after the town pushed him into that corner?

  “Is it? He’s a drug addict.”

  “He got clean.”

  “Maybe for a minute, but no lowlife like him could ever stay that way. Do you know where women go when they have the devil whispering in their ears about infidelity? Straight into the arms of that disgrace. He has ruined the relationships of many people in this town because of his disgusting habits. He’s pretty much a walking STD, and that’s why it looks awful when you’re seen with him. You are starting rumors that don’t even exist just by being seen with him. It looks appalling to have you talk to that monster. You must stay away from Jackson Emery at all costs.”

  “Did he come to you for help years ago? About the townspeople attacking him and his father?” I asked.

  She shifted around in her heels. “A lot of people come to me for help. I am, after all, the pastor’s wife.”

  “Yes, but did Jackson come to you, asking you to talk to the church about leaving him and his father alone?”

  She stuck her nose up in the air. “I don’t recall that.”

  “Well, he does.”

  “He’s a liar, like his father.”

  “Mama,” I whispered, shaking my head. “When did you become so cold? How could you turn your back on him?”

  “Those two people didn’t deserve my ear after what Mad Mike did to our place of worship. Thousands of dollars in repairs. Someone could’ve been killed.”

  “But what does Mike’s actions have to do with Jackson? He was just a kid, Mama, and he came to you in his time of need.”

  “Don’t preach to me about being a good person, Gracelyn Mae. You have no clue the things I’ve been through.”

  “You turned your back on a child.”

  “They didn’t deserve my help. Not after the mess Mike made. Not after the storm he started.”

  “If you turn your back on one, then you turn your back on all,” I said, quoting one of my favorite sermons Dad ever preached.

  She knew the words, too.

  For a split second, her eyes glassed over as she stared my way, but as soon as she blinked, away went the emotions. “I don’t have to explain myself to you. As long as you’re staying here, you need to listen to me. You must stay obedient, and you must remain graceful, or else more rumors will start about you. I know that’s the last thing you want. Keep your head low and do as you’re told. Do you understand me?”