Disgrace

  “I’m not a child, Mama.”

  “Then please,” she scolded, “stop acting like one.” A few people walked by, and Mama’s nerves continued to build. She stood tall and smoothed out her outfit. “You’re ruining our name. You’re ruining everything we work to protect.”

  Before I could reply, Dad walked up to us. “Everything okay?”

  Mama gave him a hard look. “Are you kidding, Samuel? Didn’t you see that scene your daughter made in the church today? Everything is far from okay!”

  Dad smiled and shrugged. “I’m sure there will be another scene before the day is over, and people will have already forgotten about that.”

  “People don’t forget in this town, Samuel. You should know that better than anyone,” Mama remarked as she smoothed out her dress. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to do damage control because it appears I’m the last sane one in this family.” She hurried away, and Dad moved closer to me.

  He placed his glasses on top of his head, as always, and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “You okay, Buttercup?”

  I gave him a tight smile. “I’m sorry about all that, Dad. I know me coming home hasn’t been the easiest for anyone.”

  “You coming home has been the greatest thing in this world. Don’t ever apologize to me, Grace. You and your sister are my greatest blessings.” He kissed my forehead and pulled me into a hug. “Always and always.”

  “Dad?”

  “Yes?”

  “Don’t let go yet, okay?”

  He tightened the hug and placed his chin on top of my head. “Okay.”

  15

  Grace

  In the town of Chester, you saw the same faces every single day. Even when you didn’t want to. I was quick to learn that Jackson not only took Tucker to the park every now and then, but he also carried that big boy into town each day and would sit in the sun with his companion for hours. It seemed to be Tucker’s happy place, and Jackson had no trouble giving his dog that joy.

  Even though he hated when I looked his way, I couldn’t help myself.

  It was intriguing to zoom in on someone I believed was so different from me and see parts of him that matched corners of my soul.

  Maybe we weren’t so opposite, after all—both of us being lost and stuff.

  He wasn’t the only one I saw in town, though, which was unfortunate.

  I saw Autumn all the time, but I did a good job of avoiding her. I saw her first at the diner. Then again at the ice cream shop, and I dipped out before she could say a word my way.

  Then we crossed paths in the grocery store.

  She was wearing high heels and had her blond hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. As she pushed her cart down the fresh produce section, I paused. She looked at the bananas as if they were foreign creatures, studying every single one as if she’d never seen the fruit before.

  They are just bananas, idiot. Just pick one.

  The moment the thought rolled through my mind, I felt guilt.

  Sorry for calling you an idiot.

  Wait.

  No.

  She stole my husband. I was allowed to mentally call her names without feeling guilty about it.

  As she picked up the bananas, she raised her head, and her eyes fell on me. “Grace,” she said, my name rolling off her tongue like a disease.

  She stepped backward, and I stood still.

  Her eyes watered over, and I hated that it happened. She began to cry in the middle of the grocery store, tears hitting her soon-to-be-purchased fruits. Gosh, I hated her tears because they reminded me of my own pain.

  The pain she caused me.

  She stepped toward me, and my body tensed up. I pushed my cart away from me.

  “Grace, wait. Can we talk?” she asked.

  Her words stung me as they left her mouth.

  She stepped closer.

  I turned around and ran.

  I ran.

  Just to be clear, I wasn’t a runner. I was certain that I didn’t even know how to properly run. After about twenty seconds, I was winded, and sweating in places I didn’t know sweat could come from. But, still, I kept running because I could hear her behind me, click-clacking in her heels.

  Autumn was a runner.

  She’d been running since she was in diapers and was one of the fastest people I knew.

  As I raced down the streets of Chester, out of breath and seconds from passing out, I listened to her calm as day voice still calling after me. She wasn’t a lick out of breath while I was debating if I should call an ambulance for CPR. My arms flung all over the place like an octopus as she ran like the next USA Olympian champion.

  The second I could, I threw the door to The Silent Bookshop open, and Josie saw my panicked expression, though I didn’t have time to say anything to her. I hastily opened the set of double doors and rushed into the silent area, where I proceeded to hide behind bookshelves.

  My whole body ached as I placed my hands over my chest. My heartbeats were erratic, though that was nothing new. As I listened to the door open, I whimpered to myself. I wished I were invisible. I wish I had Harry Potter’s cloak of protection so I could avoid ever actually having to face Autumn.

  “Gracelyn? I know you’re in here,” she said, as I heard her tiptoeing in my direction. “You can’t keep avoiding me.”

  A few people shushed her, but she didn’t listen.

  Who would’ve thought that a woman who took her best friend’s husband wouldn’t obey to the quiet rules of The Silent Bookshop?

  She turned the corner, and I stood still, pressed up between Narnia and Hogwarts.

  I was cornered. Books surrounded me on the left and right side, and Autumn stood tall in front of me.

  Had she really run that whole way in heels and didn’t have a drop of sweat to show for it?

  I hated her.

  Oh, how I hated her glowing skin.

  “We should talk,” she told me, wiping at her eyes.

  What kind of mascara did she wear that it didn’t run at all when she cried?

  “You can’t talk in here,” I scolded her. “And even if we weren’t here, I wouldn’t want to speak to you.”

  “Please. If we are both going to be in town, we can’t keep this up.”

  “You’d be surprised at how long I can keep this up.”

  “Grace.”

  “Go away.”

  “No. Not until we talk,” she told me, crossing her arms. “I need you to understand.”

  “To understand what? How you betrayed me? How you stabbed me in the back? I’d rather not.”

  “It was only supposed to happen once, Grace.”

  It was only supposed to happen once.

  That didn’t make it better in any way, shape, or form.

  “And it happened when Finn came to work at the hospital. We saw each other every day since I’m the receptionist there. One night, we went out for drinks, and he fell apart over you. He told me how you left him.”

  I huffed. “How I left him?”

  “Yes. That night we had one too many drinks, and…” Her words faded.

  “You betrayed me. You never called to ask me if what Finn was saying was true.”

  “I’d never known him to lie,” she told me.

  “But you were my person, not his. You were my best friend.”

  “Grace…”

  “Please just leave me alone,” I begged. That was all I wanted, really. To be left alone.

  Josie walked into the space, and she glanced my way. I gave her a stare, begging her to save me.

  She looked at Autumn with such distaste. “I’m sorry, Autumn. This is a quiet section. If you are going to speak, you must go in the lobby.”

  “But she won’t follow me there,” she whined. “And we have to talk.”

  “We aren’t going to talk,” I barked her way. “There is nothing you can say to me that will make me want to—”

  “I’m pregnant,” she blurted out, her words somersaulting from
her tongue and slapping against my skin.

  For a moment, I blacked out. I felt acid rising from my stomach and burning against my tongue as I stayed frozen in an unbelievable state of shock.

  She shifted around in her heels. “When Finn saw you when you closed on your house, he was supposed to tell you, but he told me he couldn’t. Not after all the miscarriages that you two have dealt with,” she told me.

  Unlike Mama and Finn, Autumn had no struggles saying the word miscarriage.

  I wished she had, though, because hearing it from her made me want to be sick.

  “You’re pregnant?” I choked out, my body shaking uncontrollably.

  She nodded slowly. “I…this…” She took a deep inhale and sniffled as tears kept falling from her eyes. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, Grace. I swear, none of this was ever supposed to happen. I didn’t expect to fall for him, and this…”

  I zoned out on her. I zoned out on all the sounds surrounding me. I watched as Autumn kept speaking, but Josie took her by the arm and pulled her out of the room.

  My eyes began to blur as I became dizzier by the second.

  I would vomit.

  No, I would pass out.

  No…

  I was going to die.

  She did it.

  She did the one thing I was never able to do. She would give my husband a child, and I was certain that child would have his eyes.

  Those crystal blue eyes…

  For a long time, I thought perhaps it was both of us who were the issue—both Finley and me. Yet it turned out, he wasn’t at fault at all. He was able to bear children.

  It was me, and only me, who was tragically flawed.

  “Grace.”

  I heard my name but didn’t flinch. I was frozen. Unable to move, unable to breathe. Unable to do anything but stand still.

  “Hey! Snap out of it!” Jackson shouted my way. He placed his hands on my shoulders and shook my body back and forth, making my blurred vision clear somewhat. I looked into his eyes and blinked a few times.

  Then came the tears, each one taking its precious time to roll down my cheek.

  “She’s pregnant,” I softly spoke, staring into his eyes that weren’t as hard and cold as they usually appeared. “My best friend’s pregnant with my husband’s child.”

  “Yeah.” He frowned but not his normal frown. This was built around his pity for me. “I heard.”

  “I-I-I…” My eyes faded over, and I only saw black. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do or how to react. All I knew was that this was not a panic attack.

  I knew panic attacks.

  I knew anxiety, and how it had swallowed me in the past, but this was a new feeling.

  This felt like the first moments before the final descent into nothingness.

  I’d never forget the moment as I stood there in The Silent Bookshop. It was one of the big moments. One of the ones that truly defined who I’d be from that point on. It was the moment that changed me from the person I’d always been.

  It was the exact moment when I lost my last mustard seed of faith. It was the exact moment when I no longer believed in God.

  “Come with me,” Jackson whispered.

  “But…” I started.

  “Princess,” he said, his voice smoky as it always had been. He took my hands into his and lightly squeezed them both. “Come with me.”

  And with his guidance, I followed him.

  We walked the streets of Chester with my hand in his, and it still felt as if time was frozen. We reached his property, and he took me to the area in the back of the shop where the broken-down car sat.

  He stood me in front of the car and then grabbed a pair of safety goggles and placed them over my eyes. Then he grabbed the sledgehammer and handed it my way.

  “Okay, he said, nodding toward the vehicle. “Go wild.”

  I took a deep breath, pulled the sledgehammer over my head, and slammed it into the car. I kept swinging, unaware of how long I beat the car. I couldn’t stop pounding the metal piece of junk in front of me. I slung the hammer into the back window, shattering the glass as my eyes released a floodgate. I couldn’t see through the goggles, but I kept swinging over and over again, taking all the strength left in my body and releasing it onto the vehicle. I might not have had much left inside me, but I had enough power to release the anger inside me.

  “All right,” Jackson stated. “That’s enough.”

  But I didn’t stop. I kept pounding away at the balled-up sheet metal.

  “Princess, that’s enough,” he said, this time sterner, yet still, I didn’t listen.

  Everything inside me ached in a way that I didn’t know could hurt. It was as if my soul was set on fire, and it would be an eternal burn.

  I swung the sledgehammer over my head, and when I was unable to swing it down, I turned to see Jackson’s hands gripped around the head.

  “Let go,” I ordered.

  “No,” he replied.

  “Jackson, let go,” I begged, taking off the goggles.

  “No.”

  “Let go!” I barked, this time with tears falling down my face, my heart racing faster and faster.

  “Grace, please…” he whispered, his voice quiet, almost a whisper as he stared straight into my eyes. He moved closer to me, and his fingers landed against mine as he started to loosen my grip. “Let go.”

  I released the sledgehammer and took a few steps backward.

  Jackson placed the hammer down, and he gave me the most pathetic look.

  “I’m okay,” I lied, sniffling. “I’m okay.”

  “You’re not.”

  “No. I am. Everything’s fine. Everything’s always fine. Everything’s—”

  He moved in closer and narrowed his eyes as he stared my way. The closer he got, the more my nerves began to build. “Seriously, I’m okay. I lost it there for a minute, but I’m okay. I’m—”

  “You’re bleeding,” he told me.

  I am?

  He wiped his thumb against my cheek, and when he pulled it back, I noticed the blood resting against his fingertip. Then I felt the sting.

  “It’s a deep cut. I think some of the glass from the car must’ve struck you,” he said. “Come to my place. I’ll get you cleaned up.”

  I wiped my hand against my cheek and shook my head back and forth a little. “It’s fine. I’m okay. I’m fine.” I kept saying those words over and over again, hoping that I’d somehow start to believe them.

  “Come on,” he said, holding his hand out to me. I took his grip, and a chill raced over me as he walked me to his cabin. I didn’t say a word on the whole walk over, mainly because my mind was numb. We walked into the house, and I stood in his living room, where an easel was set up and a piano sat in the far corner of the place. The cabin looked bigger on the inside than it appeared from the outside, and it was a very clean place. The artwork on all the walls, many different paintings of sunrises and sunsets, was all breathtakingly stunning.

  “Sit here,” Jackson ordered, leading me to the couch. I did as he said, and he hurried away to get a towel and some Band-Aids. Tucker was quick to come greet me, and when he tried and failed to jump on the couch, I helped him up, and he snuggled right into my lap, wagging his tail.

  “Good boy,” I whispered, somehow finding instant comfort.

  When Jackson came back, he kneeled in front of me with a warm cloth and placed it against my cheek. I flinched a little, and he frowned. “Sorry,” he muttered.

  “It’s fine,” I replied.

  We sat in silence as he attended to my wound, and Tucker fell fast asleep in my lap.

  “Jackson—”

  “Look—”

  We spoke at the same time, and I nervously laughed as his fingers brushed against my face. “You first,” I told him.

  He swallowed hard. “I didn’t mean for you to get hurt. I’m sorry. I just thought some of the energy you had needed to find an outlet.”

&nbs
p; “Is that why you hit the cars? As an energy outlet?”

  He didn’t reply.

  I lowered my head.

  “You might need stitches,” he told me. He cleared his throat, and when he looked up at my eyes, the guilt in that hazel stare made my heart feel as if it were being squeezed. “I’m sorry.”

  “No worries,” I said. “I did, after all, make you drop a sledgehammer on your foot, so I assume we’re even,” I joked.

  “No, that’s not what I mean.”

  He stared at me with a hard look, and his lips stayed turned down into a frown. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been. For the way I’ve treated you.”

  “If I knew all it would take for you to be nice to me was my husband getting my best friend pregnant, I would’ve done that ages ago.” I laughed, but he kept frowning.

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “Laugh when nothing’s funny.”

  “Yes, I do, because otherwise…” As he stared at me that way, I had to turn away because I felt my emotions finally catching up with me as my heartbeats slowed down. A small, uncomfortable laugh fell from my lips. “Because otherwise you’re going to be annoyed by me,” I warned him.

  “Why?”

  My bottom lip trembled, and I felt my body start to shake as my hands covered my face. “Because this is the part where I cry.”

  “Yeah,” he agreed. His hands brushed against mine, and he took them into his hold, lowering them from my face. “And this is the part where I let you.” He moved Tucker from my lap onto another couch cushion. Next, Jackson placed his hands into mine and lifted me up from the couch and wrapped his arms around me. He held me close to him, and he became the one who held me up as I began to fall. I sobbed against his T-shirt, thinking of all the years of struggles, all the years of pain as I tried to create the life that Autumn had stolen straight from under my feet.

  Every now and then, Jackson’s hand gently rubbed my back, bringing about an odd sense of comfort.