Close to You

  “I’m fine, Landon. I was just fine before you, and I’ll be great after you. You don’t determine my happiness.”

  He stands, but stays at the side of my bed for a few moments, just watching me, until I pick up my empty water cup and throw it at him.

  “Get the fuck out!”

  He blinks, and then he turns and walks out the door just as Riley walks in. She frowns back at him before approaching the bed. “Hey sugar.”

  “Hey.”

  “Where is Landon going?”

  “I don’t give a fuck where Landon’s going. I told him to get the hell out.”

  She’s silently surprised for a heartbeat, then drops into the chair Landon was in and says, “Excuse me?”

  I stare at my best friend, blinking, thinking about everything I just said to her, and I can’t believe it.

  “I sent him away.”

  And now the tears come again. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I bury my face in my hands and sob, barely aware of Riley petting my hair.

  “Why did you do that?”

  “Because I’m so sad and pissed off and confused!” I wail into my hands. “I lost our baby, and he’s talking about having all the babies I want, but I can’t do that, Riley. I can’t give him lots of babies. I don’t think I ever wanted lots of babies, and if he wants them, he should have them.

  “And he’s always talking about going away!” I’m babbling now, barely making sense through my tears, and I don’t care. “He doesn’t want to be here, he was just here because he felt obligated to me.”

  “I don’t think that’s true.”

  “It’s fucking true! And now he doesn’t have to stay here. I don’t want him to go, but I don’t want him to be sad. And every time he looks at me, I’ll just be a reminder that I lost his baby.” I’m hiccuping now with the tears. Riley’s stopped petting my head, leaving me be to cry and rant and just purge all of this bullshit out of my body.

  “I wanted that baby so much,” I say, quieting a bit now, but keeping my face in my hands because I’m just so embarrassed and ashamed. “I loved him already, and I was hoping he’d look like his daddy. And Landon is everything I’ve ever wanted and I screwed that up too. I’m just not supposed to have a husband and a family, Ri. And it’s good that this happened now, before the wedding.”

  I’m rubbing my swollen eyes. I need a cold cloth, but I don’t want to ask for one. I just want to call Landon back, but that’s dumb. I already fucked that up.

  Suddenly a cold cloth is pressed to my neck, and I take it and push it against my eyes, crying into the cotton, making it warm.

  “I can’t stop crying.”

  “Shhh.”

  “It’s so much more than just losing the baby,” I say, quieting a bit now. “We lost all of it. His first steps, swimming lessons, the first day of school.” I shake my head. “I won’t get to straighten his tie on prom night, or dance with him at his wedding.” She puts her hand on my ankle over the covers and sits silently, letting me cry it out and then just breathe, taking long, jagged breaths until I’m calm enough to wipe my face and glance up.

  But it’s not Riley sitting next to me.

  It’s Landon.

  “You didn’t leave.”

  He doesn’t smile at me, and he takes the cloth out of my hands, runs it under the faucet to get it cold again, and passes it back to me. It feels like heaven on my face and neck.

  Landon just watches, calm as can be. His eyes show the hurt, and that makes my eyes well up again. Of course he’s hurting too. I don’t want him to hurt. I never want that.

  “I loved her too,” he says quietly, and leans in to rest his elbows on the bed, taking my hand in his. His touch always feels wonderful, but this is better than anything I’ve ever felt. “And I’m so sad that we’ll never get to hold her and love her, and do all of the things you just said. It’s tragic, Cami.”

  I nod and bite my lip. “I’m sorry.”

  “Losing her isn’t your fault,” he says firmly. “Look at me.”

  My gaze finds his. “None of this is anyone’s fault. I don’t know why it happened. But I do know this: I’m not about to lose my child and the love of my life in the same day. You are convinced that I don’t want to be here, but, Cami, I’ve never said that. Yes, the Navy took me away for a long time, but when that was over, I didn’t have to come home. I could have relocated and started over anywhere. I chose to come back to Portland, and I’m so damn glad I did because it brought me to you. Will I want to travel with you? Of course. But this is our home.

  “I can’t spend the next fifty years proving it to you over and over again, just to have you mistrust me. You know me well enough that I don’t do anything that I don’t want to do.”

  I smile and nod softly, hope burning brightly in my chest.

  “I’m sorry I said that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t say things to deliberately hurt people, and I’d never try to hurt you.”

  “You’re sad, and you’re angry. And, please don’t throw something at me again, but your hormones are probably all over the place.”

  My lips twitch, and I simply nod again. I’m just relieved that he didn’t actually leave when I told him to.

  Thank God.

  “I told you before, and I’ll say it again, I didn’t propose to you because of the baby. Cami, I’ve wanted you for as long as I can remember. I want you to be my wife, with or without the baby. You are mine, do you understand me?”

  “Yes,” I murmur, and take a long, deep breath. “I’m a pain in the ass.”

  “Oh, for sure,” he says, finally smiling. “But you’re a pain in my ass, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’re going to get through this, the same way that we’ll get through every other difficult time that crosses our path: as a team.”

  “I don’t deserve you.”

  “Yes, you do. You deserve every wonderful thing that life has to offer. You deserve better than me, but this is what you’re stuck with.”

  “Thank God.”

  He tips his forehead against mine.

  “I love you so much.”

  “I love you too, you beautiful pain in the ass.”

  “IF THE DAIRY guy is late with my cheese one more time, I’m going to fire his ass and look for someone else.”

  “Organic dairy isn’t easy to find,” I remind Mia the next morning. “Especially not at the prices he gives us. Everyone else charges an arm and a leg, and I’m not going to approve the funds for a more expensive dairy just because you and this guy don’t get along. Did you sleep with him or something?”

  She just shrugs, not looking up from her phone.

  “You slept with the dairy guy?” I demand, my voice a little shrill.

  “He’s good-looking,” she says defensively. “And he’s not an idiot.”

  “But apparently he’s late all of the time,” Landon says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Do I have to beat him up?”

  “No,” Mia replies, rolling her eyes. “I know you don’t like to hear this, but I’m not a virgin. I do have sex. Not as often as I’d like, but it does happen.”

  “I’m not going to pay more for dairy just because you boned the dairy guy and don’t want to deal with him,” I say firmly. “You’re an adult. You can deal with it.”

  “He’s the one being difficult,” she says. “He wasn’t late before.”

  “Maybe he’s trying to get your attention,” Landon suggests. “If you have to talk to him about his tardiness, you have to deal with him.”

  “I don’t have to deal with him,” she says, just as stubborn as I am. “I can just send him an e-mail telling him I’m firing him.”

  “No firing him until we find someone else for the same price.” I sigh and shift in the bed. “When is the doctor coming in?”

  “What’s your doctor’s name again?” Mia asks. We are waiting, impatiently, for him to come in and discharge me so I can go home. I’m still sore, but I will be for a
while. I just want to get home and recover there.

  “I keep forgetting,” I reply, and look over at Landon, who is boxing up flowers that arrived this morning. “What’s his name?”

  “Dr. Holmes,” the man himself says when he walks in the room and smiles. “You look better this morning.”

  “I feel a little better.” He pulls my chart up on his laptop and sits next to me. In the light of day, without powerful pain meds to fog up my brain, I can see that Dr. Holmes is a hottie. I glance up at Mia and wiggle my eyebrows.

  “Your blood pressure is great. All of your labs came back normal this morning, and your hormone levels are decreasing like they should.” He glances up at me and offers me a smile, and if I wasn’t already engaged to the hottest man in the universe, I might melt just a little. “So I hear you want to go home.”

  Suddenly the flash on Mia’s phone goes off, blinding all of us.

  “What the hell is wrong with this shitty phone?” she says, but she’s blushing. She was trying to get an incognito photo of Dr. Hottie.

  Landon just glares at her, and I have to cover my giggle with a cough. Dr. Hottie just keeps talking, like this happens to him every day.

  Because it probably does. If any doctor were to get selfie requests, it would be this one.

  “I think we can let you go home, but I want you to follow up with your primary doctor in a couple of days.”

  “I can do that.”

  “Okay, I’ll get your paperwork finished up and a nurse will be in shortly with your prescriptions and some instructions, and we’ll get you out of here.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He nods, shakes Landon’s hand, and winks at Mia on his way out.

  “What in the hell was that?” Landon demands as Mia and I bust out in laughter.

  “I’d texted Kat and told her that Cami’s doctor was the sexiest doctor I’d ever seen and she dared me to sneak a picture and send it to her. But I forgot to turn the flash off.”

  “Seriously?” Landon says.

  “Oh, come on.” I jump in to Mia’s defense. “Kat dared her.”

  “If she dared you to jump off a bridge, would you do that too?”

  “Possibly. Depends on the circumstances,” Mia says with a sassy smile. “Like you’ve ever passed up a dare in your life, brother.”

  “I didn’t flash my camera in the doctor’s face.”

  “That doctor has seen your fiancée naked,” she reminds him.

  “Yeah, he’s lucky I didn’t punch him,” Landon says, and kisses my forehead. “Are you ready to go home?”

  “So ready.” I nod and scoot over so he can join me on the bed. “Snuggle me.”

  “That bed is kind of small for snuggling,” Mia says, then rolls her eyes when Landon complies. He cuddles me close and kisses my cheek. “You guys are disgusting.”

  “You need a man to cuddle,” I say, and laugh when she shakes her head.

  “I don’t need to cuddle.”

  “Cuddling is nice,” I reply with a sigh, and lean against my firm, strong man.

  Chapter 20

  ~Landon~

  “It’s about fucking time you got married,” Lucas says a month later. We’re in the room I grew up in at my parents’ house, getting dressed for the wedding.

  “You’re not married, and we’re the same age, idiot,” I reply, and grin. We love slinging insults at each other.

  “I’m not the settling-down kind of guy,” he says, completely lost as to how to tie his tie. So I walk to him and shove his hands away, doing it myself. “A wild man like me can’t be tamed.”

  “Or you’re too ugly for any woman to want to look at you for the rest of her life.” I laugh and cinch up the tie, too tight, of course.

  “Ha ha,” he replies, and walks to the mirror to adjust his tie and slip into his jacket. “So you guys decided against going to the courthouse?”

  “Yeah.” I nod and grin, remembering Cami’s face when I suggested the church. “Even if it’s still a small thing, she deserved something more special. She’s always had a soft spot for that old church down the street. You know, the tiny one that our moms used to drag us to for Sunday school when we were little?”

  “I know the one.” Lucas’s face sobers. “How is she?”

  “She’s doing better,” I reply, and nod, thinking of my strong girl. “She suggested us going to therapy right after she lost the baby.”

  “Really?” he asks with surprise. “You’re in therapy? Has hell frozen over?”

  “I was surprised too, but I’m glad she did. We’ve had some interesting conversations, that’s for sure. It’s been good for both of us.” I shrug and smile at my longtime friend. “You could use some therapy yourself.”

  “Nah, I’m happy with all of my dysfunctional ways.”

  “How’s it going in here?” Jake asks as he and Steven walk into the room. “Aw, don’t you just clean up all pretty like?”

  “Fuck you,” I reply calmly, but my palms are sweaty and I’m more than a little nervous. Not at the thought of marrying Cami. There’s nothing I want more in the world. I’m just antsy. I’m ready to get this all over with, so she’s finally my wife and we can move forward with our lives. “Why are you guys here?”

  “Because we’ve been banned from the girls’ domain,” Steven says. “And I’m sick of seeing Aunt Cami cry. Girls are so sentimental.”

  “Get used to it, kid,” Lucas says, slapping Steven on the back.

  “Also, she kept telling me I look so cute, like I’m twelve or something.” He shudders. “It’s gross.”

  “Awww, you’re just so cute,” I say, and pinch Steven’s cheek, then slap it lightly. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

  “I should warn you,” Jake says as we stomp down the stairs and out to our cars. My parents left for the church earlier to help with any finishing touches. “They’ve been drinking champagne like it’s going out of style, since Addie can drive. Let’s just hope they can stumble into the church.”

  “They’ll be fine,” I reply. “You bozos are taking your own ride. I’m not giving you a lift to the restaurant after the ceremony.”

  “You’re so selfish, wanting your bride all to yourself,” Lucas says with a grin. I just wave them off and drive my own car down the street, then take a deep breath and walk inside. The church is so charming all on its own that it didn’t require much for decoration. There are some candles lit, and a bouquet of flowers on the altar, but that’s it. All of the girls are already sitting, along with Cami’s siblings, who traveled for the occasion, Ringo and his wife, and my family.

  We wanted to keep the guest list small, inviting only those we’re truly close to to share our day.

  Steven disappears into a side room, and Jake joins Addie in the front row as Lucas and I walk to the front of the church where the minister is already standing.

  “Are you ready?” he asks me.

  “I’ve been ready for weeks,” I reply truthfully. He smiles and nods at the pianist, queuing him to begin the “Wedding March.”

  Cami’s sister, Amanda, walks slowly down the aisle, smiling brightly, and then finally, there is my gorgeous bride.

  Cami’s all smiles as Steven escorts her down the aisle. Her dress is lacy and hugs her curves perfectly. Her eyes are pinned to mine as she walks slowly to me, and finally, Steven passes her hand to mine.

  “Who gives this woman to this man?” the minister asks.

  “I do,” Steven says proudly, kisses Cami’s cheek, and joins his family.

  God, she’s beautiful.

  And she’s mine.

  The minister begins speaking about the sanctity of marriage. The promise. And I can’t take my eyes off her.

  Cami and I chose to exchange traditional wedding vows, and before I know it, her sweet voice fills the small chapel as she begins to recite them.

  “I, Cami, take you Landon to be my husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for wor
se, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, till death do us part.”

  A tear slips down her cheek when the minister says, “And now, with the authority vested in me through the state of Oregon, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.”

  But I don’t just kiss her. No, that would be damn boring. I dip her deeply and kiss her the same way, showing God and all of our nearest and dearest just how much I love this woman.

  When we stand, the chapel erupts in applause, and we are enveloped in hugs and well-wishes from our families.

  Finally, the photographer says, “Well, since all of the guests will be in photos, let’s go ahead and get them out of the way so we can get you all to dinner at the restaurant.”

  “Who knew that photos with only twenty people could take so long?” Lucas asks an hour later after we’ve been posed in every way you can imagine. “That made me damn hungry. Let’s go.”

  “We’ll be right behind you!” I call out to everyone as they file out. “I want a minute with my girl.”

  Cami frowns up at me as everyone leaves, and when we’re alone, I turn to her, standing in the same places where we exchanged our vows an hour ago, and take her hands in mine.

  “I needed a few minutes alone with you. How are you?”

  “I’m wonderful,” she replies with a wide smile, her green eyes shining with happiness. “How are you?”

  “I can’t even tell you how happy I am,” I reply, and kiss her hands. “I’m glad that we decided to exchange the traditional vows because we’re traditional people, but there are a few other things that I want to say that I didn’t want everyone else to hear and I wanted to say them here.”

  I swallow, clear my throat, and continue to hold her gaze.

  “The first time I saw you, something inside me said, That’s the one. Of course, I was a kid, but through all of the years that passed after, that voice was still there. Sometimes it was a whisper, and other times it was a shout. No one and nothing compares to you and what I feel for you, Cami. You aren’t just my other half, you’re the best part of me. There is nothing you can ever do to lose my love, my sweet. It is endless. And while I will love you until my last breath, I will love you beyond that, into whatever that may be. You are a permanent part of me, and for that I will always be grateful because there is nothing in this world that is better than you. I’m humbled to be yours.”