In the Fields

“Maybe,” I tell her. “Maybe.”

  “I sink so,” she says. “I sink he’s up they-ah watchin’ us.”

  “Then you’re right, baby girl. I bet that’s exactly what he’s doing.”

  I DON’T KNOW how I forgot that it was Gracie who kept me living that other time I thought I was dying. Being pregnant with her, knowing I had to be okay to take care of her, it got me through losing Isaiah. And even though it feels like I can’t get past this, it’s Gracie who helps get me through each day, minute by minute. There’s probably not a second that goes by that I don’t wish I had another baby in my stomach to take care of now…Davis’s baby in me to love. A piece of him that could stay with me forever. It’s my biggest regret.

  OCTOBER 19TH COMES and many more tears are shed. I drive out to our tree and hurriedly gather all the heart rocks that Davis and I kept adding to and move them all to his grave. When I’m done, you’d think I ran five miles. I feel all wrung out.

  We talk about Davis a lot. It seems we all need to. Papa can hardly make it through a day without crying for him still. So I know I’m not the only one who is in immeasurable pain. I try to be okay for him and the others, but when I get in my bed at night, I die a little more. It’s just too much.

  LIFE CARRIES ON. It’s hard to believe but Christmas is almost here. I’m just trying to ignore the fact. Everyone else has decorated and I just clean. Clean and play with Gracie.

  I’m cleaning the bedrooms upstairs when Ruby finds me.

  “You have a phone call, Caroline.” She never says my name, so it makes me stand up and take notice.

  “Who is it?”

  “Your daddy.”

  I sit down on the bed and she comes and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Sugar? Are you all right?”

  “But…how did he find me?”

  And then I remember the letter I sent to Nellie. But that was years ago.

  I stand up and follow Ruby to the kitchen. The phone is laying on the table and she shoos everyone out of there. Papa kisses me on the cheek before he goes out of the room.

  I pick it up slowly. “Hello?”

  “Caroline, is that you?” His voice sounds raspy and older.

  “Yes, sir.” My voice catches and I try not to cry. I’m sick of crying.

  “I can’t believe I found you,” he says.

  “How did you find me?”

  “Well, Caroline, I’m sorry to tell you this way, but…Nellie…she passed away about a month ago and I…well, I just found your letter to her in one of her drawers.” He clears his throat.

  I sit down. I didn’t think my heart could ache any more, but it can.

  “I’ve been looking for ya, and finally talked to someone who knew you were at this number…I called every motel and hotel and apartment building I could find in the Kentucky phone book. I’m actually in Bardstown…a little diner called Shelby’s? Once I talked to someone who knew who you were, I just got in the car and drove. Would you—would you be willing to see me?” He sounds tentative.

  I can’t believe he’s at Shelby’s. If I weren’t already walking around in shock, I would probably feel something: anger, rage, sadness, maybe even a little joy. But as it is, I feel nothing at all.

  “Okay. Just come on out here whenever.” I give him the address and he thanks me, like we’re strangers.

  We are strangers. The old Caroline is dead.

  I’M PLAYING ON the floor with Gracie when he gets there. It’s only been thirty minutes since we hung up. I didn’t expect him so quickly. I didn’t tell Gracie about him and Ruby and Papa have given me space. Maybe I didn’t even think he’d come at all.

  When the doorbell rings, Papa comes around the corner and sees me standing up.

  I take a huge breath. “That’s my dad, I think.”

  Papa nods. “Okay. Would you like me to stay in here with you or do you need some time to be alone?”

  “Stay with me and meet him. Maybe we can see what state he’s in? He could be drunk, for all I know.”

  Papa nods again and kisses my cheek. “Okay, Caroline girl. Just give me the look and I’ll find somewhere else to be right quick.”

  Gracie goes to the window to see who’s out there. I pick her up and open the door.

  We stare at each other, taking it all in. He looks older, lines around his eyes, a little grey in his hair, gaunt, but clear-eyed and sober. He looks like he’s been living quite the life. He smiles at me sweetly and looks at Gracie. His eyes widen a little bit when he gets a good look at her. He looks at me again and then back to her in shock.

  “Hi Daddy,” I say. “This is Gracie, your granddaughter. Gracie, this is your grandpa.”

  “Hi,” she says.

  “Hi,” he says to her and then looks at me. “Hi to you too.”

  He smiles his wide smile, and I see the handsome in his face again. The image is fleeting, but for a second I see the daddy who sat by my bed and told me Clovis the Bunny stories.

  “She’s beautiful, and so are you.”

  I don’t say anything. I open the door wider and he walks inside. Papa is standing there, and he holds out his hand to shake Daddy’s.

  “Ivan Harrison,” he says.

  “Dan Carson,” my dad says and they shake.

  Ruby rounds the corner, her eyes looking wide as saucers.

  “And did you ever meet Ruby? She lived in Tulma a long time.”

  Ruby isn’t as warm as Papa. She stands next to him and folds her arms over her chest.

  “About time you come lookin’ for your daughter,” she says.

  My dad looks down and nods. “You’re right,” he looks back up at me, “I should have never left.”

  No one says anything for a moment and then Papa takes control of the situation.

  “Why don’t you come have a seat in here. I’ll get you some coffee, if you’d like.” He looks at me quickly when he says that, and I know he’s regretting his offer to leave the room.

  “I’ll get the coffee, Dr. H, don’t you worry about it. You go on and sit down,” Ruby bosses and we all hop to.

  Gracie seems to understand this is a serious meeting because she’s as quiet as a mouse. Her normal chattiness has disappeared and she’s just taking it all in. She doesn’t miss a thing, this one.

  The three of us sit on the couch facing my dad, who sits in the chair across from the couch. It feels like we’re a team waiting to see if we should pick him or not.

  He leans his elbows on his knees and looks up earnestly at me. “Caroline, I know I’ve been an awful parent…”

  You won’t get any argument from me there. For about a second when I was a little girl, I lived in a make-believe world where I thought you were a decent daddy.

  I say nothing out loud. I just wait for him to say his piece.

  “I’ve been sober for two years now. I’ve driven up and down the southern states, looking for you. Made peace with your grandparents. I’m grateful that I was with your Nellie when she passed.”

  I feel a little twinge when he says that. I hold Gracie’s hand tighter.

  “I know I can never fix all the mistakes I made with you, Caroline, but I want to try. I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I’m so sorry that I was too caught up in myself and my problems to take care of you. I will spend the rest of my lifetime regretting that, and if you’ll let me, the rest of my lifetime making it up to you.”

  The only sound is a bird squawking in the distance. My dad runs his hands through his hair and looks at me again.

  “How old is Gracie?” he asks softly.

  “Just over two and a half,” I answer just as softly.

  He smiles at her and I look down to see her smiling back at him. She looks up at me then.

  “You daddy?” she asks.

  “Yes, my daddy. Your granddaddy.”

  “That’s Papa.” She points at Papa and then looks back at me.

  “Yes, that’s our papa too.”

  She gets down and goes to stand in front of my dad. ??
?Up?” she says.

  My dad looks surprised, but he picks her up and looks like he’s about to cry.

  She pats his cheek. “Gwanpapa,” she dubs him and the tension in the room lessens somewhat. My dad laughs and Papa chuckles. I even have to smile a little bit at that.

  Ruby brings in some coffee and I go with her to the kitchen to get dishes for the coffeecake.

  “Are you okay, darlin’?” she asks, her dark eyes worried.

  “I guess so. He says he wants to make up for everything. I don’t know. I’ll believe it when I see it, I reckon.”

  “He hurts you again, I’ll hang him up by his drawers,” she says with a vengeance.

  A giggle comes out of me that shocks both of us. I don’t think I’ve laughed since Davis…

  Ruby grips my shoulders and hugs me tight. “You’re gonna be okay, my girl,” she whispers. “You are.”

  MY DAD STAYS the whole afternoon. I show him the plantation—the house, the gardens, the carriage house, the grapes. We traipse through the snow, the crunching of our feet making a racket out in the quiet. Step by step. I come to a stop when I look out at our house and see Davis’s truck sitting out there. The tarp blows in the breeze. It’s as if he’s just right inside there, working.

  I turn around and lead my dad back to the main house.

  WHILE GRACIE IS still napping, I sit with my dad. Papa has realized it’s okay to leave me alone with him and has gone off to give us some time. I ask all about Grandpaw and more about how Nellie was at the end. Then I broach a subject I haven’t really cared to know about since I moved to Bardstown. I figure I may as well know the truth, it doesn’t change anything.

  “What about Mama? Where is she? Are you together?”

  “No. Your mama and I were divorced about a year ago. She’s remarried and living in Chattanooga.”

  “Mr. Anderson?”

  He nods. “I think she’s happy with him. Happy to be done with me, that’s for sure.” He laughs. It sounds hollow and false.

  “I was supposed to get married…eight weeks ago.” I look out the window and study the clouds, seeing if I can make out any shapes.

  “What happened?”

  “He died.”

  “Caroline!”

  “He died building that little house behind the grapes. Fell off the roof. Four weeks before we were supposed to get married.” It all pours out of me, but I sound like an emotionless robot. “He brought me back to life and now he’s gone.”

  He comes and sits beside me and takes my hand. I let him.

  “Caroline. I am so sorry. I-I can’t imagine what you’re going through,” he says softly.

  We sit there and don’t say anything for a long time.

  After a while, I go check on Gracie. She’s still sleeping, so I leave the door open and go back downstairs.

  My dad is standing, looking at the pictures on the mantel. There’s one of Davis and me, the night we got engaged. He has his arm around me, and we’re looking at each other with huge smiles on our faces.

  He holds it up when I walk in the room. “This is him?”

  I nod.

  “Good-lookin’ guy.”

  “Yeah,” I respond.

  “So, Gracie…”

  I’ve known this was coming, but he still manages to be the one to surprise me.

  “Her daddy is the one who saved my life.”

  MY STOMACH FEELS like it fell out at my feet.

  “How do you know Gracie’s dad? And what makes you think you do know?”

  “I’ve gotten to know him pretty well, and she looks just like him.”

  He looks at me and puts his hand over mine. We’re still standing at the mantel.

  I stare at him, waiting for more.

  “He found me when he came lookin’ for you,” he explains. “And I treated him like the scum on the bottom of my shoe.” He shakes his head, remembering. “He kept coming back though, no matter how I treated him and I just got worse…he came back for more. He looked for you for a year and a half.” He stops and looks at me. “He dragged me out of bed, stayed while I went through hell…withdrawals…we drove all over Tennessee looking for you. He has searched high and low for you, Caroline. He even went to California once, but got out there and realized there was no chance he’d find you with nothin’ to go on. He dealt with me straight about the alcohol. He even knocked me out one time.” He laughs, holding his nose like it’s a fond memory.

  “Does he know you’re here?” I ask, afraid of the answer.

  “No, he doesn’t. I…I know he’s finally trying to move on, and I wanted to see you first. You and I have never even talked about Isaiah Washington. I didn’t want to surprise you by bringing him with me. I figured I was surprise enough.”

  “Yeah,” I mutter.

  I suddenly feel exhausted. I back away from the fireplace and put my fist to my mouth. My stomach turns and I run to the closest bathroom. I throw up and stay on the bathroom floor after I’m done.

  Ruby knocks on the door. “You all right in there, sugar?”

  “Not feelin’ so well, can you let my dad know?”

  “Sure will. You need to lay down?”

  “Yes, ma’am, I do.”

  “Okay, sugar. I’ll be right back.”

  Ruby's gone for a few minutes. I hear the front door close and she knocks on the bathroom door again. “He said he’ll call and check on you shortly. I told him he could stay in the carriage house tonight if he’d like. Is that okay with you?”

  I stand up and open the door. “Yes, ma’am, thank you.”

  “Oh girl, you lookin’ a little green around the gills!” she exclaims. “I hate so bad you not feelin’ good, what we ‘gon do with you?”

  “Put me out back and shoot me,” I say half-heartedly.

  “Now that ain’t even funny, child.”

  She leads me up the stairs and to my room. Gracie is just popping up in her bed and rubs her eyes. Ruby pulls back the covers and tucks them up to my neck when I get in the bed. Then she goes and picks up Gracie.

  “We ‘gon let Mama take a nap,” she tells Gracie.

  “Mama nap?” Gracie giggles.

  “I know, it is funny, ain’t it. That mama of yours never do take a nap like a good girl!” Ruby winks at me and shuts the door behind them.

  I’m too confused and weary to even make sense of my thoughts. I turn over on my side and sleep the rest of the day away.

  MY DREAMS ARE a jumble of Isaiah and Davis and some weird combination of the two. Half the time, I think I’m dreaming of Isaiah and in mid-sentence, he’ll turn into Davis. I wake up sweating, with all the covers piled over me like I’ve been hiding out in a blanket cave. It’s the middle of the night. Gracie is asleep in her bed. The moon is casting shadows over her face as she sleeps. She does look just like her daddy. So beautiful it makes my chest hurt. Her eyes are his—the same color, same shape, same expressions.

  I lie back down and think about everything my dad said. It’s all finally registering that I actually saw him today.

  Everything I knew of Isaiah and how my dad talks about him now…it doesn’t make sense. None of it adds up. I go back over everything Dad and I talked about and think about the letter. I told him where I was. I sit straight up. I told him where I was. If he was looking for me, why didn’t he come when he got the letter?

  I look at the clock. It’s 3:30. I’m tempted to go out to the carriage house and wake my dad.

  What does it matter anyway? What would I have done differently if Isaiah had come?

  I try to get comfortable with my pillow. I was happy. I thought Isaiah had moved on and I had too. What if he hasn’t?

  But my dad said Isaiah was trying to move on. I wonder if he’s with that girl still…

  My thoughts and emotions clash around…and then I feel bad for even thinking about Isaiah at all. If Davis hadn’t died, I’d be happily cuddled up to him right now, in our bed. I know I would have been happy with him the rest of my life.


  Even if I’d constantly wondered about Isaiah.

  But what if Isaiah doesn’t know about Gracie at all?

  The thought nags at me all night. I doze on and off, but it’s restless. I wake up to Gracie’s fingers on my cheeks.

  “Mama sick?” she asks.

  “I’m okay, baby girl.” My mouth feels like cotton.

  She rests her head on my chest and I play with her curls. I take deep breaths and feel better, just having her near me. Her head pops up. “Gwanpapa?”

  “You hear him?”

  “I sink so,” she says, her voice perking up at the end. “I go see him wight now.”

  “Well, how ’bout you get your clothes on.”

  “I yike my gownie,” she says.

  “I know. I like it too, but let’s get one of your pretty dresses on. You can show Granpapa your tea set.”

  She likes the sound of that, so I get her dressed and she plays with her dolly while I take my shower. When I’m ready, we go downstairs together.

  My dad looks up when we come in. He’s at the breakfast table with Papa and Ruby.

  “Mornin’,” I say to everyone. “Sorry, I overslept, Ruby. I’ll take care of the dishes once the guests are done.”

  “Don’t you worry none about that. I’ll take care of it today. You just feel better.” She smiles and seems a little softer when she looks at my dad this morning.

  Papa pulls out my chair. “How are you feelin’, Caroline girl?” he asks.

  “A little better.”

  “I’m sorry I upset you yesterday, Caroline,” my dad says.

  I shrug. “It’s oka—you know what?” I take a deep breath and look him square in the eyes. “It’s not okay. I don’t need you coming here after all these years and acting like we can make a relationship out of nothing. We don’t have anything to pick up where we left off. It wasn’t working to begin with. Took me a long time to see that, but I see it now. I’m not gonna be ‘nice’ just to try to not hurt your feelings. When I was little, I thought you were my savior. Mama would be mean to me and you’d scoop me up,” my voice cracks. I shake it off. “You’d hold me and tell me she didn’t mean it. But she did. I thought you were on my side, though…that no matter what she said, you’d be there…even in your drunken mess, it was better than nothin’. And then you take off? I was raped, Daddy. I was raped and where were you? I was nearly killed and where were you? I was left with Mama and then she left me time and time again, and WHERE WERE YOU?”