Quo Vadis: A Narrative of the Time of Nero

  Chapter XXVI

  NEXT morning he woke up weak, but with a cool head and free of fever. Itseemed to him that a whispered conversation had roused him; but whenhe opened his eyes, Lygia was not there. Ursus, stooping before thechimney, was raking apart the gray ashes, and seeking live coals beneaththem. When he found some, he began to blow, not with his mouth, but asit were with the bellows of a blacksmith. Vinicius, remembering how thatman had crushed Croton the day before, examined with attention befittinga lover of the arena his gigantic back, which resembled the back of aCyclops, and his limbs strong as columns.

  "Thanks to Mercury that my neck was not broken by him," thoughtVinicius. "By Pollux! if the other Lygians are like this one, theDanubian legions will have heavy work some time!"

  But aloud he said, "Hei, slave!"

  Ursus drew his head out of the chimney, and, smiling in a manner almostfriendly, said,--"God give thee a good day, lord, and good health; but Iam a free man, not a slave."

  On Vinicius who wished to question Ursus touching Lygia's birthplace,these words produced a certain pleasant impression; for discourse witha free though a common man was less disagreeable to his Roman andpatrician pride, than with a slave, in whom neither law nor customrecognized human nature.

  "Then thou dost not belong to Aulus?" asked he.

  "No, lord, I serve Callina, as I served her mother, of my own will."

  Here he hid his head again in the chimney, to blow the coals, on whichhe had placed some wood. When he had finished, he took it out andsaid,--"With us there are no slaves."

  "Where is Lygia?" inquired Vinicius.

  "She has gone out, and I am to cook food for thee. She watched over theethe whole night."

  "Why didst thou not relieve her?"

  "Because she wished to watch, and it is for me to obey." Here his eyesgrew gloomy, and after a while he added:

  "If I had disobeyed her, thou wouldst not be living."

  "Art thou sorry for not having killed me?"

  "No, lord. Christ has not commanded us to kill."

  "But Atacinus and Croton?"

  "I could not do otherwise," muttered Ursus. And he looked with regreton his hands, which had remained pagan evidently, though his soulhad accepted the cross. Then he put a pot on the crane, and fixed histhoughtful eyes on the fire.

  "That was thy fault, lord," said he at last. "Why didst thou raise thyhand against her, a king's daughter?"

  Pride boiled up, at the first moment, in Vinicius, because a common manand a barbarian had not merely dared to speak to him thus familiarly,but to blame him in addition. To those uncommon and improbable thingswhich had met him since yesterday, was added another. But being weak andwithout his slaves, he restrained himself, especially since a wish tolearn some details of Lygia's life gained the upper hand in him.

  When he had calmed himself, therefore, he inquired about the war of theLygians against Vannius and the Suevi. Ursus was glad to converse, butcould not add much that was new to what in his time Aulus Plautius hadtold. Ursus had not been in battle, for he had attended the hostages tothe camp of Atelius Hister. He knew only that the Lygians had beaten theSuevi and the Yazygi, but that their leader and king had fallen fromthe arrows of the Yazygi. Immediately after they received news that theSemnones had set fire to forests on their boundaries, they returned inhaste to avenge the wrong, and the hostages remained with Atelius, whoordered at first to give them kingly honors. Afterward Lygia's motherdied. The Roman commander knew not what to do with the child. Ursuswished to return with her to their own country, but the road was unsafebecause of wild beasts and wild tribes. When news came that anembassy of Lygians had visited Pomponius, offering him aid against theMarcomani, Hister sent him with Lygia to Pomponius. When they came tohim they learned, however, that no ambassadors had been there, and inthat way they remained in the camp; whence Pomponius took them to Rome,and at the conclusion of his triumph he gave the king's daughter toPomponia Graecina.

  Though only certain small details of this narrative had been unknown toVinicius, he listened with pleasure, for his enormous pride of familywas pleased that an eye-witness had confirmed Lygia's royal descent. Asa king's daughter she might occupy a position at Caesar's court equal tothe daughters of the very first families, all the more since the nationwhose ruler her father had been, had not warred with Rome so far, and,though barbarian, it might become terrible; for, according to AteliusHister himself, it possessed an immense force of warriors. Ursus,moreover, confirmed this completely.

  "We live in the woods," said he, in answer to Vinicius, "but we have somuch land that no man knows where the end is, and there are many peopleon it. There are also wooden towns in the forest, in which there isgreat plenty; for what the Semnones, the Marcomani, the Vandals, and theQuadi plunder through the world, we take from them. They dare not cometo us; but when the wind blows from their side, they burn our forests.We fear neither them nor the Roman Caesar."

  "The gods gave Rome dominion over the earth," said Vinicius severely.

  "The gods are evil spirits," replied Ursus, with simplicity, "and wherethere are no Romans, there is no supremacy."

  Here he fixed the fire, and said, as if to himself,--"When Caesar tookCallina to the palace, and I thought that harm might meet her, I wantedto go to the forest and bring Lygians to help the king's daughter. AndLygians would have moved toward the Danube, for they are virtuous peoplethough pagan. There I should have given them 'good tidings.' But as itis, if ever Callina returns to Pomponia Graecina I will bow down to herfor permission to go to them; for Christus was born far away, and theyhave not even heard of Him. He knew better than I where He should beborn; but if He had come to the world with us, in the forests, we wouldnot have tortured Him to death, that is certain. We would have takencare of the Child, and guarded Him, so that never should He want forgame, mushrooms, beaver-skins, or amber. And what we plundered from theSuevi and the Marcomani we would have given Him, so that He might havecomfort and plenty."

  Thus speaking, he put near the fire the vessel with food for Vinicius,and was silent. His thoughts wandered evidently, for a time yet, throughthe Lygian wildernesses, till the liquid began to boil; then he pouredit into a shallow plate, and, cooling it properly, said,--"Glaucusadvises thee, lord, to move even thy sound arm as little as possible;Callina has commanded me to give thee food."

  Lygia commanded! There was no answer to that. It did not even come toVinicius's head to oppose her will, just as if she had been the daughterof Caesar or a goddess. He uttered not a word, therefore; and Ursus,sitting near his bed, took out the liquid with a small cup, and put itto his mouth. He did this so carefully, and with such a kindly smile,that Vinicius could not believe his own eyes, could not think him thesame terrible Titan who the day before had crushed Croton, and, rushingon him like a storm, would have torn him to pieces but for Lygia's pity.The young patrician, for the first time in life, began to ponder overthis: What can take place in the breast of a simple man, a barbarian,and a servant?

  But Ursus proved to be a nurse as awkward as painstaking; the cup waslost among his herculean fingers so completely that there was no placeleft for the mouth of the sick man. After a few fruitless efforts thegiant was troubled greatly, and said,--"Li! it would be easier to leadan aurochs out of a snare."

  The anxiety of the Lygian amused Vinicius, but his remark did notinterest him less. He had seen in circuses the terrible urus, broughtfrom wildernesses of the north, against which the most daring bestiariiwent with dread, and which yielded only to elephants in size andstrength.

  "Hast thou tried to take such beasts by the horns?" inquired he, withastonishment.

  "Till the twentieth winter passed over me, I was afraid," answeredUrsus; "but after that it happened."

  And he began to feed Vinicius still more awkwardly than before.

  "I must ask Miriam or Nazarius," said he.

  But now Lygia's pale face appeared from behind the curtain.

  "I will assist directly," said she. And afte
r a while she came from thecubiculum, in which she had been preparing to sleep, as it seemed,for she was in a single close tunic, called by the ancients capitium,covering the breast completely, and her hair was unbound. Vinicius,whose heart beat with more quickness at sight of her, began to upbraidher for not thinking of sleep yet; but she answered joyously,--"I wasjust preparing to sleep, but first I will take the place of Ursus."

  She took the cup, and, sitting on the edge of the bed, began to givefood to Vinicius, who felt at once overcome and delighted. When sheinclined toward him, the warmth of her body struck him, and her unboundhair fell on his breast. He grew pale from the impression; but in theconfusion and impulse of desires he felt also that that was a head dearabove all and magnified above all, in comparison with which the wholeworld was nothing. At first he had desired her; now he began to love herwith a full breast. Before that, as generally in life and in feeling, hehad been, like all people of that time, a blind, unconditional egotist,who thought only of himself; at present he began to think of her.

  After a while, therefore, he refused further nourishment; and though hefound inexhaustible delight in her presence and in looking at her, hesaid,--"Enough! Go to rest, my divine one."

  "Do not address me in that way," answered Lygia; "it is not proper forme to hear such words."

  She smiled at him, however, and said that sleep had fled from her, thatshe felt no toil, that she would not go to rest till Glaucus came.He listened to her words as to music; his heart rose with increasingdelight, increasing gratitude, and his thought was struggling to showher that gratitude.

  "Lygia," said he, after a moment of silence, "I did not know theehitherto. But I know now that I wished to attain thee by a false way;hence I say, return to Pomponia Graecina, and be assured that in futureno hand will be raised against thee."

  Her face became sad on a sudden. "I should be happy," answered she,"could I look at her, even from a distance; but I cannot return to hernow."

  "Why?" inquired Vinicius, with astonishment.

  "We Christians know, through Acte, what is done on the Palatine. Hastthou not heard that Caesar, soon after my flight and before his departurefor Naples, summoned Aulus and Pomponia, and, thinking that they hadhelped me, threatened them with his anger? Fortunately Aulus was able tosay to him, 'Thou knowest, lord, that a lie has never passed my lips;I swear to thee now that we did not help her to escape, and we do notknow, as thou dost not, what has happened to her.' Caesar believed, andafterward forgot. By the advice of the elders I have never written tomother where I am, so that she might take an oath boldly at all timesthat she has no knowledge of me. Thou wilt not understand this, perhaps,O Vinicius; but it is not permitted us to lie, even in a questioninvolving life. Such is the religion on which we fashion our hearts;therefore I have not seen Pomponia from the hour when I left her house.From time to time distant echoes barely reach her that I am alive andnot in danger."

  Here a longing seized Lygia, and her eyes were moist with tears; but shecalmed herself quickly, and said,--"I know that Pomponia, too, yearnsfor me; but we have consolation which others have not."

  "Yes," answered Vinicius, "Christ is your consolation, but I do notunderstand that."

  "Look at us! For us there are no partings, no pains, no sufferings; orif they come they are turned into pleasure. And death itself, which foryou is the end of life, is for us merely its beginning,--the exchange ofa lower for a higher happiness, a happiness less calm for one calmer andeternal. Consider what must a religion be which enjoins on us love evenfor our enemies, forbids falsehood, purifies our souls from hatred, andpromises happiness inexhaustible after death."

  "I heard those teachings in Ostrianum, and I have seen how ye acted withme and with Chilo; when I remember your deeds, they are like a dream,and it seems to me that I ought not to believe my ears or eyes. Butanswer me this question: Art thou happy?"

  "I am," answered Lygia. "One who confesses Christ cannot be unhappy."Vinicius looked at her, as though what she said passed every measure ofhuman understanding.

  "And hast thou no wish to return to Pomponia?"

  "I should like, from my whole soul, to return to her; and shall return,if such be God's will."

  "I say to thee, therefore, return; and I swear by my lares that I willnot raise a hand against thee."

  Lygia thought for a moment, and answered,--"No, I cannot exposethose near me to danger. Caesar does not like the Plautiuses. ShouldI return--thou knowest how every news is spread throughout Rome byslaves--my return would be noised about in the city. Nero would hear ofit surely through his slaves, and punish Aulus and Pomponia,--at leasttake me from them a second time."

  "True," answered Vinicius, frowning, "that would be possible. He woulddo so, even to show that his will must be obeyed. It is true that heonly forgot thee, or would remember thee, because the loss was not his,but mine. Perhaps, if he took thee from Aulus and Pomponia, he wouldsend thee to me and I could give thee back to them."

  "Vinicius, wouldst thou see me again on the Palatine?" inquired Lygia.

  He set his teeth, and answered,--"No. Thou art right. I spoke like afool! No!"

  And all at once he saw before him a precipice, as it were withoutbottom. He was a patrician, a military tribune, a powerful man; butabove every power of that world to which he belonged was a madman whosewill and malignity it was impossible to foresee. Only such people as theChristians might cease to reckon with Nero or fear him,--people for whomthis whole world, with its separations and sufferings, was as nothing;people for whom death itself was as nothing. All others had totremble before him. The terrors of the time in which they lived showedthemselves to Vinicius in all their monstrous extent. He could notreturn Lygia to Aulus and Pomponia, then, through fear that the monsterwould remember her, and turn on her his anger; for the very same reason,if he should take her as wife, he might expose her, himself, and Aulus.A moment of ill-humor was enough to ruin all. Vinicius felt, forthe first time in life, that either the world must change and betransformed, or life would become impossible altogether. He understoodalso this, which a moment before had been dark to him, that in suchtimes only Christians could be happy.

  But above all, sorrow seized him, for he understood, too, that it washe who had so involved his own life and Lygia's that out of thecomplication there was scarcely an outcome. And under the influence ofthat sorrow he began to speak:

  "Dost thou know that thou art happier than I? Thou art in poverty, andin this one chamber, among simple people, thou hast thy religion and thyChrist; but I have only thee, and when I lacked thee I was like a beggarwithout a roof above him and without bread. Thou art dearer to me thanthe whole world. I sought thee, for I could not live without thee. Iwished neither feasts nor sleep. Had it not been for the hope of findingthee, I should have cast myself on a sword. But I fear death, for ifdead I could not see thee. I speak the pure truth in saying that I shallnot be able to live without thee. I have lived so far only in the hopeof finding and beholding thee. Dost thou remember our conversations atthe house of Aulus? Once thou didst draw a fish for me on the sand, andI knew not what its meaning was. Dost thou remember how we played ball?I loved thee then above life, and thou hadst begun already to divinethat I loved thee. Aulus came, frightened us with Libitina, andinterrupted our talk. Pomponia, at parting, told Petronius that God isone, all-mighty and all-merciful, but it did not even occur to us thatChrist was thy God and hers. Let Him give thee to me and I will loveHim, though He seems to me a god of slaves, foreigners, and beggars.Thou sittest near me, and thinkest of Him only. Think of me too, or Ishall hate Him. For me thou alone art a divinity. Blessed be thy fatherand mother; blessed the land which produced thee! I should wish toembrace thy feet and pray to thee, give thee honor, homage, offerings,thou thrice divine! Thou knowest not, or canst not know, how I lovethee."

  Thus speaking, he placed his hand on his pale forehead and closed hiseyes. His nature never knew bounds in love or anger. He spoke withenthusiasm, like a man who, having lost self-control,
has no wish toobserve any measure in words or feelings. But he spoke from the depthof his soul, and sincerely. It was to be felt that the pain, ecstasy,desire, and homage accumulated in his breast had burst forth at lastin an irresistible torrent of words. To Lygia his words appearedblasphemous, but still her heart began to beat as if it would tear thetunic enclosing her bosom. She could not resist pity for him and hissuffering. She was moved by the homage with which he spoke to her. Shefelt beloved and deified without bounds; she felt that that unbendingand dangerous man belonged to her now, soul and body, like a slave;and that feeling of his submission and her own power filled her withhappiness. Her recollections revived in one moment. He was for her againthat splendid Vinicius, beautiful as a pagan god; he, who in the houseof Aulus had spoken to her of love, and roused as if from sleep herheart half childlike at that time; he from whose embraces Ursus hadwrested her on the Palatine, as he might have wrested her from flames.But at present, with ecstasy, and at the same time with pain in hiseagle face, with pale forehead and imploring eyes,--wounded, broken bylove, loving, full of homage and submissive,--he seemed to her such asshe would have wished him, and such as she would have loved with herwhole soul, therefore dearer than he had ever been before.

  All at once she understood that a moment might come in which his lovewould seize her and bear her away, as a whirlwind; and when she feltthis, she had the same impression that he had a moment before,--that shewas standing on the edge of a precipice. Was it for this that she hadleft the house of Aulus? Was it for this that she had saved herself byflight? Was it for this that she had hidden so long in wretched parts ofthe city? Who was that Vinicius? An Augustian, a soldier, a courtier ofNero! Moreover he took part in his profligacy and madness, as was shownby that feast, which she could not forget; and he went with othersto the temples, and made offerings to vile gods, in whom he did notbelieve, perhaps, but still he gave them official honor. Still more hehad pursued her to make her his slave and mistress, and at the same timeto thrust her into that terrible world of excess, luxury, crime, anddishonor which calls for the anger and vengeance of God. He seemedchanged, it is true, but still he had just said to her that if she wouldthink more of Christ than of him, he was ready to hate Christ. It seemedto Lygia that the very idea of any other love than the love of Christwas a sin against Him and against religion. When she saw then that otherfeelings and desires might be roused in the depth of her soul, she wasseized by alarm for her own future and her own heart.

  At this moment of internal struggle appeared Glaucus, who had come tocare for the patient and study his health. In the twinkle of an eye,anger and impatience were reflected on the face of Vinicius. He wasangry that his conversation with Lygia had been interrupted; and whenGlaucus questioned him, he answered with contempt almost. It is truethat he moderated himself quickly; but if Lygia had any illusions asto this,--that what he had heard in Ostrianum might have acted on hisunyielding nature,--those illusions must vanish. He had changed onlyfor her; but beyond that single feeling there remained in his breast theformer harsh and selfish heart, truly Roman and wolfish, incapable notonly of the sweet sentiment of Christian teaching but even of gratitude.

  She went away at last filled with internal care and anxiety. Formerly inher prayers she had offered to Christ a heart calm, and really pure asa tear. Now that calmness was disturbed. To the interior of the flower apoisonous insect had come and began to buzz. Even sleep, in spite of thetwo nights passed without sleep, brought her no relief. She dreamedthat at Ostrianum Nero, at the head of a whole band of Augustians,bacchantes, corybantes, and gladiators, was trampling crowds ofChristians with his chariot wreathed in roses; and Vinicius seized herby the arm, drew her to the quadriga, and, pressing her to his bosom,whispered "Come with us."