Quo Vadis: A Narrative of the Time of Nero

  Chapter XXVII

  FROM that moment Lygia showed herself more rarely in the common chamber,and approached his couch less frequently. But peace did not return toher. She saw that Vinicius followed her with imploring glance; that hewas waiting for every word of hers, as for a favor; that he suffered anddared not complain, lest he might turn her away from him; that she alonewas his health and delight. And then her heart swelled with compassion.Soon she observed, too, that the more she tried to avoid him, the morecompassion she had for him; and by this itself the more tender were thefeelings which rose in her. Peace left her. At times she said to herselfthat it was her special duty to be near him always, first, becausethe religion of God commands return of good for evil; second, that byconversing with him, she might attract him to the faith. But at the sametime conscience told her that she was tempting herself; that only lovefor him and the charm which he exerted were attracting her, nothingelse. Thus she lived in a ceaseless struggle, which was intensifieddaily. At times it seemed that a kind of net surrounded her, and that intrying to break through it she entangled herself more and more. She hadalso to confess that for her the sight of him was becoming more needful,his voice was becoming dearer, and that she had to struggle with all hermight against the wish to sit at his bedside. When she approached him,and he grew radiant, delight filled her heart. On a certain day shenoticed traces of tears on his eyelids, and for the first time in lifethe thought came to her, to dry them with kisses. Terrified by thatthought, and full of self-contempt, she wept all the night following.

  He was as enduring as if he had made a vow of patience. When at momentshis eyes flashed with petulance, self-will, and anger, he restrainedthose flashes promptly, and looked with alarm at her, as if to implorepardon. This acted still more on her. Never had she such a feeling ofbeing greatly loved as then; and when she thought of this, she felt atonce guilty and happy. Vinicius, too, had changed essentially. In hisconversations with Glaucus there was less pride. It occurred to himfrequently that even that poor slave physician and that foreign woman,old Miriam, who surrounded him with attention, and Crispus, whom he sawabsorbed in continual prayer, were still human. He was astonished atsuch thoughts, but he had them. After a time he conceived a liking forUrsus, with whom he conversed entire days; for with him he could talkabout Lygia. The giant, on his part, was inexhaustible in narrative, andwhile performing the most simple services for the sick man, he began toshow him also some attachment. For Vinicius, Lygia had been at all timesa being of another order, higher a hundred times than those around her:nevertheless, he began to observe simple and poor people,--a thing whichhe had never done before,--and he discovered in them various traits theexistence of which he had never suspected.

  Nazarius, however, he could not endure, for it seemed to him that theyoung lad had dared to fall in love with Lygia. He had restrained hisaversion for a long time, it is true; but once when he brought her twoquails, which he had bought in the market with his own earned money, thedescendant of the Quirites spoke out in Vinicius, for whom one who hadwandered in from a strange people had less worth than the meanest worm.When he heard Lygia's thanks, he grew terribly pale; and when Nazariuswent out to get water for the birds, he said,--"Lygia, canst thou endurethat he should give thee gifts? Dost thou not know that the Greeks callpeople of his nation Jewish dogs?"

  "I do not know what the Greeks call them; but I know that Nazarius is aChristian and my brother."

  When she had said this she looked at Vinicius with astonishment andregret, for he had disaccustomed her to similar outbursts; and he sethis teeth, so as not to tell her that he would have given command tobeat such a brother with sticks, or would have sent him as a compeditus[A man who labors with chained feet] to dig earth in his Sicilianvineyards. He restrained himself, however, throttled the anger withinhim, and only after a while did he say,--"Pardon me, Lygia. For me thouart the daughter of a king and the adopted child of Plautius." Andhe subdued himself to that degree that when Nazarius appeared in thechamber again, he promised him, on returning to his villa, the gift of apair of peacocks or flamingoes, of which he had a garden full.

  Lygia understood what such victories over himself must have cost him;but the oftener he gained them the more her heart turned to him. Hismerit with regard to Nazarius was less, however, than she supposed.Vinicius might be indignant for a moment, but he could not be jealous ofhim. In fact the son of Miriam did not, in his eyes, mean much more thana dog; besides, he was a child yet, who, if he loved Lygia, loved herunconsciously and servilely. Greater struggles must the young tribunehave with himself to submit, even in silence, to that honor with whichamong those people the name of Christ and His religion was surrounded.In this regard wonderful things took place in Vinicius. That was inevery case a religion which Lygia believed; hence for that single reasonhe was ready to receive it. Afterward, the more he returned to health,the more he remembered the whole series of events which had happenedsince that night at Ostrianum, and the whole series of thoughts whichhad come to his head from that time, the more he was astonished at thesuperhuman power of that religion which changed the souls of mento their foundations. He understood that in it there was somethinguncommon, something which had not been on earth before, and he felt thatcould it embrace the whole world, could it ingraft on the world its loveand charity, an epoch would come recalling that in which not Jupiter,but Saturn had ruled. He did not dare either to doubt the supernaturalorigin of Christ, or His resurrection, or the other miracles. Theeye-witnesses who spoke of them were too trustworthy and despisedfalsehood too much to let him suppose that they were telling things thathad not happened. Finally, Roman scepticism permitted disbelief in thegods, but believed in miracles. Vinicius, therefore, stood before akind of marvellous puzzle which he could not solve. On the other hand,however, that religion seemed to him opposed to the existing state ofthings, impossible of practice, and mad in a degree beyond all others.According to him, people in Rome and in the whole world might be bad,but the order of things was good. Had Caesar, for example, been an honestman, had the Senate been composed, not of insignificant libertines,but of men like Thrasea, what more could one wish? Nay, Roman peace andsupremacy were good; distinction among people just and proper. But thatreligion, according to the understanding of Vinicius, would destroy allorder, all supremacy, every distinction. What would happen then to thedominion and lordship of Rome? Could the Romans cease to rule, or couldthey recognize a whole herd of conquered nations as equal to themselves?That was a thought which could find no place in the head of a patrician.As regarded him personally, that religion was opposed to all his ideasand habits, his whole character and understanding of life. He was simplyunable to imagine how he could exist were he to accept it. He fearedand admired it; but as to accepting it, his nature shuddered at that. Heunderstood, finally, that nothing save that religion separated him fromLygia; and when he thought of this, he hated it with all the powers ofhis soul.

  Still he acknowledged to himself that it had adorned Lygia with thatexceptional, unexplained beauty which in his heart had produced, besideslove, respect, besides desire, homage, and had made of that same Lygiaa being dear to him beyond all others in the world. And then he wishedanew to love Christ. And he understood clearly that he must either loveor hate Him; he could not remain indifferent. Meanwhile two opposingcurrents were as if driving him: he hesitated in thoughts, in feelings;he knew not how to choose, he bowed his head, however, to that God byhim uncomprehended, and paid silent honor for this sole reason, that Hewas Lygia's God.

  Lygia saw what was happening in him; she saw how he was breakinghimself, how his nature was rejecting that religion; and though thismortified her to the death, compassion, pity, and gratitude for thesilent respect which he showed Christ inclined her heart to him withirresistible force. She recalled Pomponia Graecina and Aulus. ForPomponia a source of ceaseless sorrow and tears that never dried was thethought that beyond the grave she would not find Aulus. Lygia began nowto understand better that pain, that bitterness.
She too had found abeing dear to her, and she was threatened by eternal separation fromthis dear one.

  At times, it is true, she was self-deceived, thinking that his soulwould open itself to Christ's teaching; but these illusions couldnot remain. She knew and understood him too well. Vinicius aChristian!--These two ideas could find no place together in herunenlightened head. If the thoughtful, discreet Aulus had not becomea Christian under the influence of the wise and perfect Pomponia, howcould Vinicius become one? To this there was no answer, or rather therewas only one,--that for him there was neither hope nor salvation.

  But Lygia saw with terror that that sentence of condemnation which hungover him instead of making him repulsive made him still dearer simplythrough compassion. At moments the wish seized her to speak to him ofhis dark future; but once, when she had sat near him and told him thatoutside Christian truth there was no life, he, having grown strongerat that time, rose on his sound arm and placed his head on her kneessuddenly. "Thou art life!" said he. And that moment breath failed in herbreast, presence of mind left her, a certain quiver of ecstasy rushedover her from head to feet. Seizing his temples with her hands, shetried to raise him, but bent the while so that her lips touched hishair; and for a moment both were overcome with delight, with themselves,and with love, which urged them the one to the other.

  Lygia rose at last and rushed away, with a flame in her veins and agiddiness in her head; but that was the drop which overflowed the cupfilled already to the brim. Vinicius did not divine how dearly he wouldhave to pay for that happy moment, but Lygia understood that now sheherself needed rescue. She spent the night after that evening withoutsleep, in tears and in prayer, with the feeling that she was unworthyto pray and could not be heard. Next morning she went from the cubiculumearly, and, calling Crispus to the garden summer-house, covered with ivyand withered vines, opened her whole soul to him, imploring him at thesame time to let her leave Miriam's house, since she could not trustherself longer, and could not overcome her heart's love for Vinicius.

  Crispus, an old man, severe and absorbed in endless enthusiasm,consented to the plan of leaving Miriam's house, but he had no wordsof forgiveness for that love, to his thinking sinful. His heart swelledwith indignation at the very thought that Lygia, whom he had guardedsince the time of her flight, whom he had loved, whom he had confirmedin the faith, and on whom he looked now as a white lily grown up on thefield of Christian teaching undefiled by any earthly breath, could havefound a place in her soul for love other than heavenly. He had believedhitherto that nowhere in the world did there beat a heart more purelydevoted to the glory of Christ. He wanted to offer her to Him asa pearl, a jewel, the precious work of his own hands; hence thedisappointment which he felt filled him with grief and amazement.

  "Go and beg God to forgive thy fault," said he, gloomily. "Flee beforethe evil spirit who involved thee bring thee to utter fall, and beforethou oppose the Saviour. God died on the cross to redeem thy soul withHis blood, but thou hast preferred to love him who wished to make theehis concubine. God saved thee by a miracle of His own hands, but thouhast opened thy heart to impure desire, and hast loved the son ofdarkness. Who is he? The friend and servant of Antichrist, his copartnerin crime and profligacy. Whither will he lead thee, if not to that abyssand to that Sodom in which he himself is living, but which God willdestroy with the flame of His anger? But I say to thee, would thou hadstdied, would the walls of this house had fallen on thy head before thatserpent had crept into thy bosom and beslimed it with the poison ofiniquity."

  And he was borne away more and more, for Lygia's fault filled him notonly with anger but with loathing and contempt for human nature ingeneral, and in particular for women, whom even Christian truth couldnot save from Eve's weakness. To him it seemed nothing that the maidenhad remained pure, that she wished to flee from that love, that shehad confessed it with compunction and penitence. Crispus had wishedto transform her into an angel, to raise her to heights where love forChrist alone existed, and she had fallen in love with an Augustian. Thevery thought of that filled his heart with horror, strengthened by afeeling of disillusion and disappointment. No, no, he could not forgiveher. Words of horror burned his lips like glowing coals; he struggledstill with himself not to utter them, but he shook his emaciated handsover the terrified girl. Lygia felt guilty, but not to that degree. Shehad judged even that withdrawal from Miriam's house would be her victoryover temptation, and would lessen her fault. Crispus rubbed her into thedust; showed her all the misery and insignificance of her soul, whichshe had not suspected hitherto. She had judged even that the oldpresbyter, who from the moment of her flight from the Palatine had beento her as a father, would show some compassion, console her, give hercourage, and strengthen her.

  "I offer my pain and disappointment to God," said he, "but thou hastdeceived the Saviour also, for thou hast gone as it were to a quagmirewhich has poisoned thy soul with its miasma. Thou mightst have offeredit to Christ as a costly vessel, and said to Him, 'Fill it with grace,O Lord!' but thou hast preferred to offer it to the servant of the evilone. May God forgive thee and have mercy on thee; for till thou cast outthe serpent, I who held thee as chosen-"

  But he ceased suddenly to speak, for he saw that they were not alone.Through the withered vines and the ivy, which was green alike in summerand winter, he saw two men, one of whom was Peter the Apostle. Theother he was unable to recognize at once, for a mantle of coarse woollenstuff, called cilicium, concealed a part of his face. It seemed toCrispus for a moment that that was Chilo.

  They, hearing the loud voice of Crispus, entered the summer-house andsat on a stone bench. Peter's companion had an emaciated face; his head,which was growing bald, was covered at the sides with curly hair; he hadreddened eyelids and a crooked nose; in the face, ugly and at the sametime inspired, Crispus recognized the features of Paul of Tarsus.

  Lygia, casting herself on her knees, embraced Peter's feet, as if fromdespair, and, sheltering her tortured head in the fold of his mantle,remained thus in silence.

  "Peace to your souls!" said Peter.

  And seeing the child at his feet he asked what had happened. Crispusbegan then to narrate all that Lygia had confessed to him,--her sinfullove, her desire to flee from Miriam's house,--and his sorrow that asoul which he had thought to offer to Christ pure as a tear had defileditself with earthly feelings for a sharer in all those crimes into whichthe pagan world had sunk, and which called for God's vengeance.

  Lygia during his speech embraced with increasing force the feet ofthe Apostle, as if wishing to seek refuge near them, and to beg even alittle compassion.

  But the Apostle, when he had listened to the end, bent down and placedhis aged hand on her head; then he raised his eyes to the old presbyter,and said,--"Crispus, hast thou not heard that our beloved Master was inCana, at a wedding, and blessed love between man and woman?"

  Crispus's hands dropped, and he looked with astonishment on the speaker,without power to utter one word. After a moment's silence Peter askedagain,--"Crispus, dost thou think that Christ, who permitted Mary ofMagdala to lie at his feet, and who forgave the public sinner, wouldturn from this maiden, who is as pure as a lily of the field?"

  Lygia nestled up more urgently to the feet of Peter, with sobbing,understanding that she had not sought refuge in vain. The Apostle raisedher face, which was covered with tears, and said to her,--"While theeyes of him whom thou lovest are not open to the light of truth, avoidhim, lest he bring thee to sin, but pray for him, and know that there isno sin in thy love. And since it is thy wish to avoid temptation, thiswill be accounted to thee as a merit. Do not suffer, and do not weep;for I tell thee that the grace of the Redeemer has not deserted thee,and that thy prayers will be heard; after sorrow will come days ofgladness."

  When he had said this, he placed both hands on her head, and, raisinghis eyes, blessed her. From his face there shone a goodness beyond thatof earth.

  The penitent Crispus began humbly to explain himself; "I have sinnedagainst mer
cy," said he; "but I thought that by admitting to her heartan earthly love she had denied Christ."

  "I denied Him thrice," answered Peter, "and still He forgave me, andcommanded me to feed His sheep."

  "And because," concluded Crispus, "Vinicius is an Augustian."

  "Christ softened harder hearts than his," replied Peter.

  Then Paul of Tarsus, who had been silent so far, placed his finger onhis breast, pointing to himself, and said,--"I am he who persecutedand hurried servants of Christ to their death; I am he who during thestoning of Stephen kept the garments of those who stoned him; I am hewho wished to root out the truth in every part of the inhabited earth,and yet the Lord predestined me to declare it in every land. I havedeclared it in Judea, in Greece, on the Islands, and in this godlesscity, where first I resided as a prisoner. And now when Peter, mysuperior, has summoned me, I enter this house to bend that proud head tothe feet of Christ, and cast a grain of seed in that stony field,which the Lord will fertilize, so that it may bring forth a bountifulharvest."

  And he rose. To Crispus that diminutive hunchback seemed then thatwhich he was in reality,--a giant, who was to stir the world to itsfoundations and gather in lands and nations.