The Memoirs of Mr. Charles J. Yellowplush

  CHAPTER I.

  THE TWO BUNDLES OF HAY.

  Lieutenant-General Sir George Griffin, K.C.B., was about seventy-fiveyears old when he left this life, and the East Ingine army, of which hewas a distinguished ornyment. Sir George's first appearance in Injar wasin the character of a cabbingboy to a vessel; from which he rose to beclerk to the owners at Calcutta, from which he became all of a sudden acapting in the Company's service; and so rose and rose, until he rose tobe a leftenant-general, when he stopped rising altogether--hopping thetwig of this life, as drummers, generals, dustmen, and emperors must do.

  Sir George did not leave any mal hair to perpetuate the name of Griffin.A widow of about twenty-seven, and a daughter avaritching twenty-three,was left behind to deploar his loss, and share his proppaty. On old SirGeorge's deth, his interesting widdo and orfan, who had both been withhim in Injer, returned home--tried London for a few months, did notlike it, and resolved on a trip to Paris; where very small London peoplebecome very great ones, if they've money, as these Griffinses had.The intelligent reader need not be told that Miss Griffin was not thedaughter of Lady Griffin; for though marritches are made tolrabbly earlyin Injer, people are not quite so precoashoos as all that: the fact is,Lady G. was Sir George's second wife. I need scarcely add, that MissMatilda Griffin wos the offspring of his fust marritch.

  Miss Leonora Kicksey, a ansum, lively Islington gal, taken out toCalcutta, and, amongst his other goods, very comfortably disposed ofby her uncle, Capting Kicksey, was one-and-twenty when she married SirGeorge at seventy-one; and the 13 Miss Kickseys, nine of whom kep aschool at Islington (the other 4 being married variously in the city),were not a little envius of my lady's luck, and not a little proud oftheir relationship to her. One of 'em, Miss Jemima Kicksey, the oldest,and by no means the least ugly of the sett, was staying with herladyship, and gev me all the partecklars. Of the rest of the famly,being of a lo sort, I in course no nothink; MY acquaintance, thank mystars, don't lie among them, or the likes of them.

  Well, this Miss Jemima lived with her younger and more fortnat sister,in the qualaty of companion, or toddy. Poar thing! I'd a soon be a gallyslave, as lead the life she did! Every body in the house despised her;her ladyship insulted her; the very kitching gals scorned and floutedher. She roat the notes, she kep the bills, she made the tea, shewhipped the chocklate, she cleaned the canary birds, and gev out thelinning for the wash. She was my lady's walking pocket, or rettycule;and fetched and carried her handkercher, or her smell-bottle, like awell-bred spaniel. All night, at her ladyship's swarries, she thumpedkidrills (nobody ever thought of asking HER to dance!); when MissGriffing sung, she played the piano, and was scolded because the singerwas out of tune; abommanating dogs, she never drove out without herladyship's puddle in her lap; and, reglarly unwell in a carriage, shenever got anything but the back seat. Poar Jemima! I can see her nowin my lady's SECKND-BEST old clothes (the ladies'-maids always got theprime leavings): a liloc sattn gown, crumpled, blotched, and greasy; apair of white sattn shoes, of the color of Inger rubber; a faded yellowvelvet hat, with a wreath of hartifishl flowers run to sead, and a birdof Parrowdice perched on the top of it, melumcolly and moulting, withonly a couple of feathers left in his unfortunate tail.

  Besides this ornyment to their saloon, Lady and Miss Griffin kept anumber of other servants in the kitching; 2 ladies'-maids; 2 footmin,six feet high each, crimson coats, goold knots, and white cassymearpantyloons; a coachmin to match; a page: and a Shassure, a kindof servant only known among forriners, and who looks more like amajor-general than any other mortial, wearing a cock-hat, a unicorncovered with silver lace, mustashos, eplets, and a sword by his side.All these to wait upon two ladies; not counting a host of the fair sex,such as cooks, scullion, housekeepers, and so forth.

  My Lady Griffin's lodging was at forty pound a week, in a grand sweetof rooms in the Plas Vandome at Paris. And, having thus described theirhouse, and their servants' hall, I may give a few words of descriptionconcerning the ladies themselves.

  In the fust place, and in coarse, they hated each other. My lady wastwenty-seven--a widdo of two years--fat, fair, and rosy. A slow, quiet,cold-looking woman, as those fair-haired gals generally are, it seemeddifficult to rouse her either into likes or dislikes; to the former,at least. She never loved any body but ONE, and that was herself. Shehated, in her calm, quiet way, almost every one else who came nearher--every one, from her neighbor, the duke, who had slighted her atdinner, down to John the footman, who had torn a hole in her train. Ithink this woman's heart was like one of them lithograffic stones, youCAN'T RUB OUT ANY THING when once it's drawn or wrote on it; nor couldyou out of her ladyship's stone--heart, I mean--in the shape of anaffront, a slight, or real, or phansied injury. She boar an exlent,irreprotchable character, against which the tongue of scandal neverwagged. She was allowed to be the best wife posbill--and so she was; butshe killed her old husband in two years, as dead as ever Mr. Thurtellkilled Mr. William Weare. She never got into a passion, not she--shenever said a rude word; but she'd a genius--a genius which many womenhave--of making A HELL of a house, and tort'ring the poor creatures ofher family, until they were wellnigh drove mad.

  Miss Matilda Griffin was a good deal uglier, and about as amiable asher mother-in-law. She was crooked, and squinted; my lady, to do herjustice, was straight, and looked the same way with her i's. She wasdark, and my lady was fair--sentimental, as her ladyship was cold. Mylady was never in a passion--Miss Matilda always; and awfille were thescenes which used to pass between these 2 women, and the wickid, wickidquarls which took place. Why did they live together? There was themistry. Not related, and hating each other like pison, it would surelyhave been easier to remain seprat, and so have detested each other at adistans.

  As for the fortune which old Sir George had left, that, it was clear,was very considrabble--300 thousand lb. at the least, as I have heardsay. But nobody knew how it was disposed of. Some said that her ladyshipwas sole mistriss of it, others that it was divided, others that she hadonly a life inkum, and that the money was all to go (as was natral) toMiss Matilda. These are subjix which are not praps very interesting tothe British public, but were mighty important to my master, theHonrable Algernon Percy Deuceace, esquire, barrister-at-law, etsettler,etsettler.

  For I've forgot to inform you that my master was very intimat in thishouse; and that we were now comfortably settled at the Hotel Mirabew(pronounced Marobo in French), in the Rew delly Pay, at Paris. We hadour cab, and two riding horses; our banker's book, and a thousand poundfor a balantz at Lafitt's; our club at the corner of the Rew Gramong;our share in a box at the oppras; our apartments, spacious and elygant;our swarries at court; our dinners at his excellency Lord Bobtail'sand elsewhere. Thanks to poar Dawkins's five thousand pound, we were ascomplete gentlemen as any in Paris.

  Now my master, like a wise man as he was, seaing himself at the head ofa smart sum of money, and in a country where his debts could not botherhim, determined to give up for the present every think like gambling--atleast, high play; as for losing or winning a ralow of Napoleums at whistor ecarty, it did not matter; it looks like money to do such things, andgives a kind of respectabilaty. "But as for play, he wouldn't--oh no!not for worlds!--do such a thing." He HAD played, like other young menof fashn, and won and lost [old fox! he didn't say he had PAID]; but hehad given up the amusement, and was now determined, he said, to liveon his inkum. The fact is, my master was doing his very best to actthe respectable man: and a very good game it is, too; but it requires aprecious great roag to play it.

  He made his appearans reglar at church--me carrying a handsome largeblack marocky Prayer-book and Bible, with the psalms and lessons markedout with red ribbings; and you'd have thought, as I graivly laid thevolloms down before him, and as he berried his head in his nicelybrushed hat, before service began, that such a pious, proper morl, youngnobleman was not to be found in the whole of the peeridge. It was acomfort to look at him. Efry old tabby and dowyger at my Lord Bobtail'sturned up th
e wights of their i's when they spoke of him, and vowed theyhad never seen such a dear, daliteful, exlent young man. What a good sonhe must be, they said; and oh, what a good son-in-law! He had the pickof all the English gals at Paris before we had been there 3 months. But,unfortunately, most of them were poar; and love and a cottidge was notquite in master's way of thinking.

  Well, about this time my Lady Griffin and Miss G. made their appearantsat Parris, and master, who was up to snough, very soon changed his noat.He sate near them at chapple, and sung hims with my lady: he danced with'em at the embassy balls; he road with them in the Boy de Balong andthe Shandeleasies (which is the French High Park); he roat potry in MissGriffin's halbim, and sang jewets along with her and Lady Griffin; hebrought sweet-meats for the puddle-dog; he gave money to the footmin,kissis and gloves to the sniggering ladies'-maids; he was sivvle evento poar Miss Kicksey; there wasn't a single soal at the Griffinses thatdidn't adoar this good young man.

  The ladies, if they hated befoar, you may be sure detested each othernow wuss than ever. There had been always a jallowsy between them:miss jellows of her mother-in-law's bewty; madam of miss's espree: misstaunting my lady about the school at Islington, and my lady sneering atmiss for her squint and her crookid back. And now came a stronger caws.They both fell in love with Mr. Deuceace--my lady, that is to say, asmuch as she could, with her cold selfish temper. She liked Deuceace, whoamused her and made her laff. She liked his manners, his riding, and hisgood loox; and being a pervinew herself had a dubble respect for realaristocratick flesh and blood. Miss's love, on the contry, was all flamsand fury. She'd always been at this work from the time she had been atschool, where she very nigh run away with a Frentch master; next witha footman (which I may say, in confidence, is by no means unnatral orunusyouall, as I COULD SHOW IF I LIKED); and so had been going on sinsfifteen. She reglarly flung herself at Deuceace's head--such sighing,crying, and ogling, I never see. Often was I ready to bust out laffin,as I brought master skoars of rose-colored billydoos, folded up likecockhats, and smellin like barber's shops, which this very tender younglady used to address to him. Now, though master was a scoundrill and nomistake, he was a gentlemin, and a man of good breading; and miss CAMEA LITTLE TOO STRONG (pardon the wulgarity of the xpression) with herhardor and attachmint, for one of his taste. Besides, she had a crookidspine, and a squint; so that (supposing their fortns tolrabbly equal)Deuceace reely preferred the mother-in-law.

  Now, then, it was his bisniss to find out which had the most money. Withan English famly this would have been easy: a look at a will at DoctorCommons'es would settle the matter at once. But this India naybob'swill was at Calcutty, or some outlandish place; and there was no gettingsight of a coppy of it. I will do Mr. Algernon Deuceace the justass tosay, that he was so little musnary in his love for Lady Griffin, that hewould have married her gladly, even if she had ten thousand pounds lessthan Miss Matilda. In the meantime, his plan was to keep 'em both inplay, until he could strike the best fish of the two--not a difficultmatter for a man of his genus: besides, Miss was hooked for certain.