The Memoirs of Mr. Charles J. Yellowplush

  CHAPTER II.

  "HONOR THY FATHER."

  I said that my master was adoard by every person in my Lady Griffin'sestablishmint. I should have said by every person excep one,--a youngFrench gnlmn, that is, who, before our appearants, had been mightypartiklar with my lady, ockupying by her side exackly the samepasition which the Honrable Mr. Deuceace now held. It was bewtiffleand headifying to see how coolly that young nobleman kicked the poarShevalliay de L'Orge out of his shoes, and how gracefully he himselfstept into 'em. Munseer de L'Orge was a smart young French jentleman,of about my master's age and good looks, but not possest of half mymaster's impidince. Not that that quallaty is uncommon in France;but few, very few, had it to such a degree as my exlent employer, Mr.Deuceace. Besides De L'Orge was reglarly and reely in love with LadyGriffin, and master only pretending: he had, of coars, an advantitch,which the poor Frentchman never could git. He was all smiles and gaty,while Delorge was ockward and melumcolly. My master had said twentypretty things to Lady Griffin, befor the shevalier had finishedsmoothing his hat, staring at her, and sighing fit to bust his weskit.O luv, luv! THIS isn't the way to win a woman, or my name's not FitzroyYellowplush! Myself, when I begun my carear among the fair six, Iwas always sighing and moping, like this poar Frenchman. What was theconsquints? The foar fust women I adoared lafft at me, and left me forsomething more lively. With the rest I have edopted a diffrent game,and with tolerable suxess, I can tell you. But this is eggatism, which Iaboar.

  Well, the long and the short of it is, that Munseer Ferdinand HyppoliteXavier Stanislas, Shevalier de L'Orge, was reglar cut out by MunseerAlgernon Percy Deuceace, Exquire. Poar Ferdinand did not leave thehouse--he hadn't the heart to do that--nor had my lady the desireto dismiss him. He was usefle in a thousand different ways, gittingoppra-boxes, and invitations to French swarries, bying gloves, and O deColong, writing French noats, and such like. Always let me recommendan English famly, going to Paris, to have at least one young man of thesort about them. Never mind how old your ladyship is, he will make loveto you; never mind what errints you send him upon, he'll trot off and dothem. Besides, he's always quite and well-dresst, and never drinx moarthan a pint of wine at dinner, which (as I say) is a pint to consider.Such a conveniants of a man was Munseer de L'Orge--the greatest useand comfort to my lady posbill; if it was but to laff at his badpronunciatium of English, it was somethink amusink; the fun was to pithim against poar Miss Kicksey, she speakin French, and he our naytifBritish tong.

  My master, to do him justace, was perfickly sivvle to this poar youngFrenchman; and having kicked him out of the place which he occupied,sertingly treated his fallen anymy with every respect and consideration.Poar modist, down-hearted little Ferdinand adoured my lady as a goddice!and so he was very polite likewise to my master--never venturing once tobe jellows of him, or to question my Lady Griffin's right to change herlover, if she choase to do so.

  Thus, then, matters stood; master had two strinx to his bo, and mighttake either the widdo or the orfn, as he preferred: com bong lweesomblay, as the Frentch say. His only pint was to discover how the moneywas disposed off, which evidently belonged to one or other, or boath.At any rate he was sure of one; as sure as any mortal man can be in thissublimary spear, where nothink is suttin except unsertnty.

  . . . . . .

  A very unixpected insident here took place, which in a good deal changedmy master's calkylations.

  One night, after conducting the two ladies to the oppra, after suppinkof white soop, sammy-deperdrow, and shampang glassy (which means eyced),at their house in the Plas Vandom, me and master droav hoam in the cab,as happy as possbill.

  "Chawls you d----d scoundrel," says he to me (for he was in an exlenthumer), "when I'm married, I'll dubbil your wagis."

  This he might do, to be sure, without injuring himself, seeing that hehad us yet never paid me any. But, what then? Law bless us! thingswould be at a pretty pass if we suvvants only lived on our WAGIS; ourpuckwisits is the thing, and no mistake.

  I ixprest my gratitude as best I could; swoar that it wasn't for wagisI served him--that I would as leaf weight upon him for nothink; and thatnever, never, so long as I livd, would I, of my own accord, part fromsuch an exlent master. By the time these two spitches had been made--myspitch and his--we arrived at the "Hotel Mirabeu;" which, us every bodyknows, ain't very distant from the Plas Vandome. Up we marched to ourapartmince, me carrying the light and the cloax, master hummink a hairout of the oppra, as merry as a lark.

  I opened the door of our salong. There was lights already in the room;an empty shampang bottle roalin on the floar, another on the table; nearwhich the sofy was drawn, and on it lay a stout old genlmn, smoakingseagars as if he'd bean in an inn tap-room.

  Deuceace (who abommunates seagars, as I've already shown) bust intoa furious raige against the genlmn, whom he could hardly see for thesmoak; and, with a number of oaves quite unnecessary to repeat, askedhim what bisniss he'd there.

  The smoaking chap rose, and, laying down his seagar, began a ror oflaffin, and said, "What! Algy my boy! don't you know me?"

  The reader may praps recklect a very affecting letter which waspublished in the last chapter of these memoars; in which the writerrequested a loan of five hundred pound from Mr. Algernon Deuceace, andwhich boar the respected signatur of the Earl of Crabs, Mr. Deuceace'sown father. It was that distinguished arastycrat who was now smokin andlaffin in our room.

  My Lord Crabs was, as I preshumed, about 60 years old. A stowt, burly,red-faced, bald-headed nobleman, whose nose seemed blushing at what hismouth was continually swallowing; whose hand, praps, trembled a little;and whose thy and legg was not quite so full or as steddy as theyhad been in former days. But he was a respecktabble, fine-looking oldnobleman; and though it must be confest, 1/2 drunk when we fust made ourappearance in the salong, yet by no means moor so than a reel nobleminought to be.

  "What, Algy my boy!" shouts out his lordship, advancing and seasingmaster by the hand, "doan't you know your own father?"

  Master seemed anythink but overhappy. "My lord," says he, looking verypail, and speakin rayther slow, "I didn't--I confess--the unexpectedpleasure--of seeing you in Paris. The fact is, sir, said he," recoveringhimself a little; "the fact is, there was such a confounded smoke oftobacco in the room, that I really could not see who the stranger waswho had paid me such an unexpected visit."

  "A bad habit, Algernon; a bad habit," said my lord, lighting anotherseagar: "a disgusting and filthy practice, which you, my dear child,will do well to avoid. It is at best, dear Algernon, but a nasty, idlepastime, unfitting a man as well for mental exertion as for respectablesociety; sacrificing, at once, the vigor of the intellect and the gracesof the person. By-the-by, what infernal bad tobacco they have, too, inthis hotel. Could not you send your servant to get me a few seagars atthe Cafe de Paris? Give him a five-franc piece, and let him go at once,that's a good fellow."

  Here his lordship hiccupt, and drank off a fresh tumbler of shampang.Very sulkily, master drew out the coin, and sent me on the errint.

  Knowing the Cafe de Paris to be shut at that hour, I didn't say a word,but quietly establisht myself in the ante-room; where, as it happenedby a singler coinstdints, I could hear every word of the conversationbetween this exlent pair of relatifs.

  "Help yourself, and get another bottle," says my lord, after a sollumpaws. My poar master, the king of all other compnies in which he moved,seamed here but to play secknd fiddill, and went to the cubbard,from which his father had already igstracted two bottils of his primeSillary.

  He put it down before his father, coft, spit, opened the windows,stirred the fire, yawned, clapt his hand to his forehead, and suttnlyseamed as uneezy as a genlmn could be. But it was of no use; the oldone would not budg. "Help yourself," says he again, "and pass me thebottil."

  "You are very good, father," says master; "but really, I neither drinknor smoke."

  "Right, my boy: quite right. Talk about a good conscience in thislife
--a good STOMACK is everythink. No bad nights, no headachs--eh?Quite cool and collected for your law studies in the morning?--eh?" Andthe old nobleman here grinned, in a manner which would have done credditto Mr. Grimoldi.

  Master sate pale and wincing, as I've seen a pore soldier under the cat.He didn't anser a word. His exlent pa went on, warming as he continuedto speak, and drinking a fresh glas at evry full stop.

  "How you must improve, with such talents and such principles! Why,Algernon, all London talks of your industry and perseverance: you're notmerely a philosopher, man; hang it! you've got the philosopher's stone.Fine rooms, fine horses, champagne, and all for 200 a year!"

  "I presume, sir," says my master, "that you mean the two hundred a yearwhich YOU pay me?"

  "The very sum, my boy; the very sum!" cries my lord, laffin as if hewould die. "Why, that's the wonder! I never pay the two hundred a year,and you keep all this state up upon nothing. Give me your secret, O youyoung Trismegistus! Tell your old father how such wonders can be worked,and I will--yes, then, upon my word, I will--pay you your two hundred ayear!"

  "Enfin, my lord," says Mr. Deuceace, starting up, and losing allpatience, "will you have the goodness to tell me what this visit means?You leave me to starve, for all you care; and you grow mighty facetiousbecause I earn my bread. You find me in prosperity, and--"

  "Precisely, my boy; precisely. Keep your temper, and pass that bottle.I find you in prosperity; and a young gentleman of your genius andacquirements asks me why I seek your society? Oh, Algernon! Algernon!this is not worthy of such a profound philosopher. WHY do I seek you?Why, because you ARE in prosperity, O my son! else, why the devil shouldI bother my self about you? Did I, your poor mother, or your family,ever get from you a single affectionate feeling? Did we, or any other ofyour friends or intimates, ever know you to be guilty of a single honestor generous action? Did we ever pretend any love for you, or you for us?Algernon Deuceace, you don't want a father to tell you that you area swindler and a spendthrift! I have paid thousands for the debts ofyourself and your brothers; and, if you pay nobody else, I am determinedyou shall repay me. You would not do it by fair means, when I wroteto you and asked you for a loan of money. I knew you would not. HadI written again to warn you of my coming, you would have given me theslip; and so I came, uninvited, to FORCE you to repay me. THAT'S why Iam here, Mr. Algernon; and so help yourself and pass the bottle."

  After this speach, the old genlmn sunk down on the sofa, and puffedas much smoke out of his mouth as if he'd been the chimley of asteam-injian. I was pleased, I confess, with the sean, and liked to seethis venrabble and virtuous old man a-nocking his son about the hed;just as Deuceace had done with Mr. Richard Blewitt, as I've beforeshown. Master's face was, fust, red-hot; next, chawk-white: and thensky-blew. He looked, for all the world, like Mr. Tippy Cooke in thetragady of Frankinstang. At last, he mannidged to speek.

  "My lord," says he, "I expected when I saw you that some such scheme wason foot. Swindler and spendthrift as I am, at least it is but a familyfailing; and I am indebted for my virtues to my father's preciousexample. Your lordship has, I perceive, added drunkenness to the listof your accomplishments, and, I suppose, under the influence of thatgentlemanly excitement, has come to make these preposterous propositionsto me. When you are sober, you will, perhaps, be wise enough to know,that, fool as I may be, I am not such a fool as you think me; and thatif I have got money, I intend to keep it--every farthing of it, thoughyou were to be ten times as drunk, and ten times as threatening as youare now."

  "Well, well, my boy," said Lord Crabs, who seemed to have been halfasleep during his son's oratium, and received all his sneers andsurcasms with the most complete good-humor; "well, well, if you willresist, tant pis pour toi. I've no desire to ruin you, recollect, andam not in the slightest degree angry but I must and will have a thousandpounds. You had better give me the money at once; it will cost you moreif you don't."

  "Sir," says Mr. Deuceace, "I will be equally candid. I would not giveyou a farthing to save you from--"

  Here I thought proper to open the doar, and, touching my hat, said, "Ihave been to the Cafe de Paris, my lord, but the house is shut."

  "Bon: there's a good lad; you may keep the five francs. And now, get mea candle and show me down stairs."

  But my master seized the wax taper. "Pardon me, my lord," says he."What! a servant do it, when your son is in the room? Ah, par exemple,my dear father," said he, laughing, "you think there is no politenessleft among us." And he led the way out.

  "Good night, my dear boy," said Lord Crabs.

  "God bless you, sir," says he. "Are you wrapped warm? Mind the step!"

  And so this affeckshnate pair parted.