So Distant Yet So Close To Say Goodbye

lesson every other day. My schedule was always so full with those kind of things, I did not asked Ellie about where she lived or what was her phone number. Ever. Left alone the thought of going over her house for playing or spending the night in a sleepover. We just spent times with each other at school. And I thought that was enough. When the day of my moving came, I regretted the fact that I had never asked any of those information. Since it was during the summer break and I could not think of a way to reach her, I finally just left without saying goodbye.

  She joked with me earlier about that—or maybe she was serious about it after all. She said that she was all upset and everything when she knew that I left without saying anything to her. It turned out that one of her friends lived a few doors next to my house, that was how she finally knew that I moved to another town. I said I was sorry. She had all the rights to be mad about that. But, she just laughed and said that she was so happy to see me again. She thought she would never see me again. I did not say it, but I thought the same about her.

  I felt my cell phone vibrating, so I picked it out of my jeans pocket. A couple of text messages. One was from her. We did exchange our contact numbers earlier before I left the party.

  Hello, there, Sweetheart. Just checking whether u get my number right. Don’t want u to leave without a word again, saying u don’t have my number *lol*.

  I snorted a laughter reading the message. Sweetheart. If I did not know her, I would think that the message was for someone else—she probably just sent it to me by accident. But, that was just her. So I texted back.

  Don’t worry. I got the number right. Will make sure I don’t lose it.

  I was on the bookstore the following day, seeing someone I knew from the old days. We had quite a pleasant conversation for a couple hours before he said that he had to go. He also said that it was nice seeing me again after all these years. After he left, I went through a couple of book shelves absent-mindedly. Seeing a face from the old days made me felt like time flew in a blink—while at the same time I did realize that it did not. I let out a smile.

  I was walking out of the bookstore—handling a couple of interesting novels in a plastic bag—when a small blue town car stopped right in front of me. I almost cursed as the stopping car startled me. The door at the passenger side opened, and the driver smiled widely from her side. I was relieved I did not let out any curse.

  “Hello, there, Gorgeous!”

  Gorgeous. Yeah, right. I should be the one calling her that. She was stunning as ever—even when she was just wearing a regular T-shirt and jeans like many other people. I managed a smile.

  “Hello, there, Ellie. What are you doing here?”

  I actually wanted to ask what she was thinking, startling me with her freaking car like that. She could cause an accident with that action. However, I just managed to ask a less emotional question.

  She giggled, “I just had a feeling that you would be here. Come on in! I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”

  “Aren’t you suppose to be working at this hour?” I climbed into the car.

  She let out a laugh when I pulled the door closed, “I told the boss that I have an amazingly beautiful old friend visiting the town, and he let me out early.”

  I buckled up the seat-belt smiling. If it was any other girl, I would have a thought that she was just flirting with me. But, it was Ellie after all. She was always nice and everything with everyone, so a smile is all I managed to have.

  “So where do you want to go?” she asked as she started the engine.

  “Back to the hotel, please,” I said, still smiling.

  “So soon?” she sounded disappointed, “You really don’t want to go anywhere? I can take you to some fun places that were built in town after you left.”

  I shook my head, refusing the tempting offer.

  “I may not know you for quite a long time. But, if you are still the Ellie I used to know, you won’t be coming all the way down to the bookstore, seeing me, for nothing. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

  She laughed, but I could feel that her voice was a bit shaky.

  “You know me so well.”

  She took a left turn at the crossroads. The town was never been big. It only took us about ten minutes to arrive at the hotel I stayed in. She parked her car not far from the entrance. I let her followed me into the hotel and into the room I stayed in. I put the books I bought on the table and pulled a string near the window so the blinds would let the sun lightened up the room a bit more. Ellie put her car key on the same table before she sat on the edge of the bed.

  “I hope you don’t mind the light. I like the sun better than the lamps,” I said as I seated myself on an armchair close to the window.

  I was glad to have enough conscience to give myself a decent distance from her. Otherwise, some old desires might get the better of me. I did not want waking up later that day regretting whatever I might have done to her on the bed.

  Ellie smiled and shook her head, giving a sign that she did not mind the ray of sun entering the room. She reminded me of the days when she would come running toward me at school having some things she wanted to discuss with me. Homeworks, science projects, volleyball match,...practically anything. I just had the feeling it was not any of that she wanted to talk about at the moment.

  “So?” I inquired.

  Her smile faded. I could not see whatever was coming. I just sat there and waited.

  “Dee..,” she started, “When will you leave this time?”

  Oh, it was just about that?

  “Pretty soon. I had some stuff to do at work. I just felt that I needed a few days vacation before I can continue.”

  “Ooh..,” that was all her response.

  “Why?”

  It looked like she hesitated to say something for a couple minutes. But, maybe that was just my mind playing tricks on me.

  “I’m getting married,” she said, almost like a whisper, “Two weeks from now.”

  “Wow, congrats!”

  It really was a big news. I could feel my heart sank a little. But, it really was supposed to be a good news. I meant, I should be happy for her, should I not? I was sure after saying that, she would ask me to come, or furthermore, to be one of her bridesmaid...

  “Please... Don’t come!”

  What?

  “Huh? Why?” I was completely puzzled.

  There was a silence. Although I hated wearing dress, I would force myself to attend the wedding if she asked me to. I would even understand if she wanted me to go through the hectic preparations being one of her bridesmaids. But, not to come? What an odd request.

  “Why?” I repeated myself.

  “Because...,” she stopped with the word.

  She looked at me in the eyes. It seemed like she would be in tears in just a few second. But, the Ellie I knew never cried. At least, not in front of others. It seemed like she was still the same Ellie I used to know after all. She lowered her gaze to the floor before she continued her words.

  “I don’t think I could vow to be someone else’s wife if you are there.”

  I needed a few minutes to comprehend her words. When it finally kicked in, I felt my jaw dropped. Was it really what she meant or was it just me?

  I did not need any other words of confirmation. Her face said it all. She wore an expression so complicated to comprehend. It was a mix of blushed, relieved, and ashamed shown at the same time. In that small town, almost everyone knew everybody. So, any misdemeanor would be spreadth out to the entire town like a wildfire. So, I could not blame her for not being able to admit her feeling explicitly. Same sex attraction was still considered a huge sin and a deviant behavior there after all. All the more, knowing that she was still a distant relative of mine, things would twist to the worst if anything happened at the wedding with me as the cause.

  “I think I have to go now.”

  She hurriedly stood up and walked towards the door.

  “Ellie, wait!” I managed to sai
d that before she turned the door handle.

  She stopped, facing the door. Her hand was still on the door handle.

  I grabbed her key from the table then I touched her shoulder in a request for her to see me face to face. She turned to my direction. I was not sure what I saw in her eyes. Was it a hope? Was it desires? No. I guessed my mind was playing tricks on me again.

  “You forget this,” I put the key in her palm.

  She seemed disappointed for something I was not so sure about. Again, she lowered her gaze to the floor.

  “Do you like me?” I asked her, still holding her key-holding hand.

  She did not raise her head, but she answered, almost in a whisper, “...yes.”

  “I like you, too. A lot.”

  I even used to love you. Or, at least, I had a major crush on you.

  “And I’m very happy to know that we share that similar feelings. But,” I inhaled the air hard, “I do understand what you requested earlier and why.”

  I hold her cheeks and raised her face so she could see me in the eyes.

  “Thank you. I won’t come to your wedding,” I said, “But, you will always be my favorite cousin.”

  I managed a sincere smile, then I gave her a hug. A tight and warm hug. Then, I released her. There was a little fear that I would not wanting to let her go if the hug lasted longer.

  “Congratulation, Cousin Ellie,” I said once again and chuckled.

  She looked like she was going to cry hard, but she managed a smile, “Thank you... Cousin Dee.”

  She chuckled, too. I could see tears building up at the corner of her