Swashbuckler
guard’s sword slipped on your ribcage.
We still have the treaty – we found it in your coat.
Luckily before that traitor, John, that cutthroat.
For he was their man and accomplice all along.
We won’t get much higher than that betrayer, though.
When it comes to power, it is the status quo.
I won’t disclosed the main plotter’s identity.
His name is safe, we are sworn to secrecy.
Their machinations will remain in the shadows,
While we, as Swash foresaw, remain unsung heroes.
What else? Henry is besotted with Irina,
And Swashbuckler with Maria Carolina.
ETHELFLEDA
I am glad you are here. I wanted in my dream
To wake up next to you.
(Colin is barely looking at her and visibly frustrated)
What is it? What does seem –
I do not like your face. Is one of our friends dead?
I beseech thee, dear, speak to me.
(Colin stays at a distance)
Come near my bed.
COLIN
What is your name, Madame?
ETHELFLEDA
Why…? What…?
(Colin is impassive, Ethelfleda, resigned)
Ethelfleda.
COLIN
What does it mean? ‘Janus’? ‘She’s out your reach, Sirrah’?
‘You are too small to meet her desiderata’?
ETHELFLEDA
Why do you make me feel persona non grata?
Why are you so hostile?
COLIN
As a last courtesy,
Would you please answer me.
ETHELFLEDA
It means…‘Noble beauty.’
What is going on? Pray tell, what is it occurred?
COLIN
Nothing, really. We came, we saw, we conquered.
ETHELFLEDA
This is far from nothing : You did help save Europe
You prevented a war and a costly break up.
Feats for which you should be rewarded double.
There is something awry. Why do I smell trouble?
While you were rejoicing, not a moment ago,
Now seems like this victory you wish to forego.
Are you not glad your love is not unrequited?
Why do you appear so glum, morose, benighted?
(Colin doesn’t say anything)
Please stop being grouchy.
COLIN
I cannot, I am French.
While you are a princess, no ordinary wench.
ETHELFLEDA
Have I lost the qualities you found endearing?
Am I not a woman worthy of your liking?
COLIN
You are more beautiful, perfect, fair, bodacious,
Than I durst imagine. That much, yes, is obvious.
I am dubious, of course : you are too perfect.
You are beyond what someone like me could expect.
Yet, that is not all. They say you have a title.
ETHELFLEDA
It does not deserve to be mentioned, ‘tis little.
COLIN
(Ironic)
I promise not to laugh too loud at you, Madame.
ETHELFLEDA
It is of no importance, really.
(Colin still does not react, he is waiting)
I…I am…
Ethelfleda, Marchioness Grey, Colin. My arms –
COLIN
See? Your title is a wedge between us. It harms
Me more than any words you could ever utter.
ETHELFLEDA
This is nonsense! Why would a mere title deter –
COLIN
I thought you were like me!
ETHELFLEDA
But I am! A soldier,
A youth, a woman…
COLIN
But…you are no commoner.
When you confessed your love, I felt true elation,
I couldn’t wait to get out of this commotion,
Only to discover my hopes were unfounded :
You belong to the sky, while myself am grounded.
I will always be normal, never at the helm,
While you surf with your kind the empyrean realm.
ETHELFLEDA
That is not true, Colin, I am human foremost.
I can love a man, no matter his rank or post,
Telling me otherwise considers an affront.
COLIN
You say that now that the battle is won.
ETHELFLEDA
I don’t.
I would say it all day, to anyone who cares.
I can write it down, have you send it to my pairs
I do love you, Colin. I know it in my heart.
And if you love me, as I hope, well that’s a start.
The end too, since nothing else matters to my eyes.
COLIN
(Colin pauses a few seconds, visibly still not reassured)
I thought you were like me.
ETHELFLEDA
My words are truths, not lies :
I love you.
COLIN
I would too, but you’re a marchioness.
Surely your king won’t agree.
ETHELFLEDA
‘Tis not his business.
But I’m sure that I can clear this subject with…George.
COLIN
So when you say your uncle…
ETHELFLEDA
Well, his name is George.
George VI, King of England.
COLIN
And yet you wonder
Why I need to affect this hostile demeanor.
There is no love story that includes a noble
And a soldier like me. It is impossible.
It is not a chasm, it is not an abyss,
‘Tis a title twixt us, well enough to dismiss
Any hope that I had.
ETHELFLEDA
You’re making a mistake!
I won’t let such a trifle cause us a heartache.
COLIN
Pray, do not bother. I don’t deal in delusions.
I would sooner put an end to my effusions,
Than pine for the unreachable, Your Majesty.
ETHELFLEDA
You are not thinking straight. You react too rashly.
COLIN
It is typical of my behavior, sorry.
ETHELFLEDA
Prithee stay, I need you.
COLIN
I thought you were like me.
(Exit Colin)
Scene 7
(The Ball has started. An antechamber before the ballroom. Enter Swashbuckler. Men and women in costume occasionally pass by)
SWASHBUCKLER
My king will be most pleased with what was accomplished.
Peace has been maintained, honors have not been tarnished.
If only the main culprit was caught –
(Enter Joseph II)
JOSEPH II
I roam free,
As it stands. ‘Tis your word against mine.
SWASHBUCKLER
Liberty
Doest not suit you. A decade in prison, maybe…
JOSEPH II
It would be foolish for you to cry victory.
We have been delayed, yes, certainly not thwarted.
Plans are in motion, need to be implemented.
We will make sure England and France will pay the price
For their involvement.
SWASHBUCKLER
Do you have any advice?
JOSEPH II
Yes : brace yourselves! For soon England will pass a law
‘Twill cause its own demise.
SWASHBUCKLER
Your threats are but hollow.
JOSEPH II
Are they? Would you take your chances? ‘Twill be longer
For France, but we will get her too. Hone your dagger.
(Exit Joseph II, Enter Ma
ria Carolina)
SWASHBUCKLER
Your mother surely knows how to throw a party.
MARIA CAROLINA
‘Tis the price to pay for skillful diplomacy.
For one I am glad I will not need do the same.
You?
SWASHBUCKLER
My thoughts exactly. I cannot play that game.
I feel comfortable down below.
(Enter Maria Theresa. Swashbuckler bows down)
Your highness.
MARIA THERESA
My daughter Maria abused of my fondness
For her. It was against my will she went away.
Paris has changed her.
MARIA CAROLINA
It is not fair, I daresay.
It allowed me to be how I felt inwardly.
MARIA THERESA
You went there to have fun.
MARIA CAROLINA
I went there to be free.
MARIA THERESA
Either way, I did not relish it then.
MARIA CAROLINA
And now?
MARIA THERESA
I still do not relish it.
MARIA CAROLINA
Mother…
MARIA THERESA
I do vow,
Though, to respect your decision and choice.
MARIA CAROLINA
Thank you,
From the bottom of…our hearts.
SWASHBUCKLER
Your Highness, I, too –
MARIA THERESA
You should consider yourself lucky we know peace
Across Europe –
MARIA CAROLINA
Thanks to him!
MARIA THERESA
Your analysis
Is unnecessary, we all know what we owe.
SWASHBUCKLER
‘Twas my duty, Your Highness.
MARIA THERESA
A fiasco
It could have been. I am grateful that it wasn’t.
I was saying, had we been at war –
MARIA CAROLINA
We aren’t.
MARIA THERESA
Other plans would have been made. When I say lucky…
SWASHBUCKLER
I understand, Your Highness.
MARIA THERESA
Good. Now, excuse me,
I have a ball to host, privilege of my crown.
Oh, Armand?
SWASHBUCKLER
Yes?
MARIA THERESA
If you hurt her I’ll hunt you down.
(Exit Maria Theresa)
MARIA CAROLINA
That went well. I told you she would accept my choice.
SWASHBUCKLER
I can’t imagine if she hadn’t.
MARIA CAROLINA
Let’s rejoice!
(Enter Ethelfleda, evidently flustered)
ETHELFLEDA
Why are men so…so…?
MARIA CAROLINA
Stubborn? Infuriating?
ETHELFLEDA
All of that and much worse.
SWASHBUCKLER
I feel de trop staying…
(He kisses Maria Carolina goodbye. Exit Swashbuckler)
MARIA CAROLINA
We are a complete mystery to each other,
I find it comforting.
ETHELFLEDA
I find it a bother.
MARIA CAROLINA
If you knew everything, if all was so certain,
Where would be the surprise? What would your love brighten?
It would shine in places, lit plenty already.
Like a beacon in the middle of a country.
ETHELFLEDA
It is still maddening.
MARIA CAROLINA
Thank God ‘tis the good kind.
ETHELFLEDA
Is there a difference? I feel out of my mind…
MARIA CAROLINA
Trust me. Besides, I find there is nothing in life,
Especially between a husband and his wife,
For which, if you don’t work, it feels gratifying.
A smooth relationship is not worth pursuing.
ETHELFLEDA
God, I hope you are right Maria.
MARIA CAROLINA
Believe me.
(Enter Colin. Maria Carolina turns to Ethelfleda and whispers)
That is my cue. Courage, ‘tis exhilarating.
(Exit Maria Carolina)
COLIN
Your Ladyship, I came to bid you fond farewell.
Now that we have won, there is nothing to compel
Me to stay. Adieu then, I wish you all the best.
ETHELFLEDA
Colin?
COLIN
Yes?
ETHELFLEDA
You are annoying me in earnest.
Please shut up a minute, let me do the talking.
(Colin looks like he has been scolded – and rightly so)
This week you helped protect your country and your king.
You prevented a war, you defended England,
You put your life at risk, not just for your homeland.
More importantly, you helped preserve my honor.
A hundred times over did you prove your valor.
Never a commoner served as much as you did,
Never a nobleman appeared so perfervid.
If anyone deserves to be betrothed to me,
Well…Your actions speak louder than nobility.
You are my love, Colin, as much as I am yours.
Am I wrong? Do you not think ‘tis time this ship moors?
Of course you have the right to throw all this away,
For I cannot stop you. You need keep me at bay?
Please say it now so our freedom we can regain,
Return home, and never see each other again.
Is that what you want, is that what you aspire to?
COLIN
‘Tis pointless to deny how I feel…I love you!
I love you more than anything, Ethelfleda,
And if you love me back…well, then, Hallelujah!
I thought your rank an immovable obstacle.
I’m jaded and do not believe a miracle –
ETHELFLEDA
I do, Colin! I need to believe they are real.
I am an optimist.
COLIN
And I an imbecile!
I must apologize for ever doubting you.
ETHELFLEDA
Do not berate yourself, what you say is untrue.
(She pauses a few seconds)
Worse things have happened, dear, than a noblewoman,
Marrying a bold soldier, even a Frenchman.
COLIN
They have?
ETHELFLEDA
Well…I…There…None comes to mind as we speak…
(She is beaming)
COLIN
You sassy minx! How could I live without your cheek?!
ETHELFLEDA
I can’t myself.
COLIN
I’ll never tire of your humor.
ETHELFLEDA
Pray you don’t! ‘Tis integral to my behavior.
COLIN
Wench!
ETHELFLEDA
It is Lady Wench for you, my love.
COLIN
I lose.
You defeat me.
ETHELFLEDA
Except in love. ‘Tis why I choose
To be with you.
COLIN
I swear, Ethel, to be loyal,
Love you how you deserve though I am no royal.
I will stand by you above all in times of need,
I’ll be faithful, true, caring…
ETHELFLEDA
Always intrepid?
COLIN
Your love is what I lacked to call myself a man.
ETHELFLEDA
Yours does improve my qualities as a woman.
COLIN
With you along, I will always land on my feet.
I inherited mo
re than the planet complete,
I love you, Ethelfleda. Hooray for the meek!
ETHELFLEDA
You should never despair to obtain what you seek.
Scene 8
(At the foot of Charles Bridge. Enter Swashbuckler, Maria Carolina)
MARIA CAROLINA
Thank you for your service, you saved my empire.
SWASHBUCKLER
I would battle demons or walk through hellfire,
If you but smiled at me and whispered in my ear,
‘I mean something to you, I adore you my dear.’
MARIA CAROLINA
(Whispers in his ear)
You mean something to me, I adore you my dear.
As long as you’re with me, I will not shed a tear.
At least none of sorrow, rather of happiness.
SWASHBUCKLER
(He pauses a few seconds and looks a her intensely)
No doubt you are a callipygean goddess.
MARIA CAROLINA
Oh!
SWASHBUCKLER
‘Tis a compliment, Madame.
MARIA CAROLINA
So I gather.
SWASHBUCKLER
Please do not repeat what I said to your mother!
I will atone, repent, and write encomia
That will be remembered for ten millennia.
MARIA CAROLINA
I won’t, Armand.
SWASHBUCKLER
Thank you.
MARIA CAROLINA
(She waits a second before replying, then smiles widely)
I will do the scolding.
SWASHBUCKLER
I’m not sure which is worse.
MARIA CAROLINA
That will cost you a ring.
SWASHBUCKLER
A price I will gladly pay, love.
MARIA CAROLINA
I thought you would.
Now that you are done with your mission.
SWASHBUCKLER
It is good.
I am happy, my love, that we gave peace a chance.
(He kisses her)
MARIA CAROLINA
Now you can proudly bring good tidings back to France.
SWASHBUCKLER
When will you join me there? When are you due, my soul?
(He kisses her again)
MARIA CAROLINA
In three weeks at long last, again we will be whole.
(He kisses her again)
I see that you are taking many liberties.
SWASHBUCKLER
I wish not to dispense from all civilities,
Only display my love for you. If it offends –
MARIA CAROLINA
That is what we have to establish. It depends…
SWASHBUCKLER
On what, My Lady?
MARIA CAROLINA
Those liberties you take…
SWASHBUCKLER
Yes?
MARIA CAROLINA
Are you willing to take some more?
SWASHBUCKLER
For your Highness?
Infinitely! Every day, your love I will sate.
MARIA CAROLINA
Also, will I be allowed to reciprocate?
SWASHBUCKLER
I will be your servant : your wish is my command.
MARIA CAROLINA
Then you are safe from me and any reprimand.
(She kisses him)
Now you will excuse me, I must be gone a spell,
And look for Irina.
SWASHBUCKLER
Don’t be too long, ma belle.
(Exit Maria Carolina. Enter Colin and Ethelfleda, laughing and whispering in each other’s ears)
SWASHBUCKLER
I see you two reconciled.
COLIN
We have no issue.
ETHELFLEDA
(She looks at him, seriously, arms akimbo)
What if I want one?
COLIN
Why would you want an issue
With me?
ETHELFLEDA
What if I want several?
COLIN
Swash, help me.
SWASHBUCKLER
Why?
COLIN
My dearest has stopped making sense, suddenly.
SWASHBUCKLER
This time she is the one to explain it to you.
(Exit Swashbuckler)
COLIN
I am not here to understand, only to woo.
ETHELFLEDA
That shouldn’t be too hard, I’ve already been wooed.
COLIN
Then I’ll woo you some more. You should be loved and cooed,
Until your parting breath, this would do you justice.
You deserve an idyll, a fair oaristys.
ETHELFLEDA
And you suppose yourself the best of candidate?
COLIN
I do, My Lady, for I am no reprobate.
Our words, our actions will be seen as an emblem
Of our undying love.
(He looks serious all of a sudden)
There might be a problem…
(He pauses dramatically)
ETHELFLEDA
(Anxious)
You cannot die, Colin, for I made many plans,
Not the least of which is that you should learn to dance.
We have to be married, I’ll bear scores of children.
Only when I am old may you rejoin Heaven.
COLIN
(He waits some more. Ethelfleda waits anxiously for him to go on)
I went for some advice to see Aquarius…
ETHELFLEDA
What did you want with him, that silly odd magus?
COLIN
I am smitten I fear…Acute basorexia.
ETHELFLEDA
Not again!
COLIN
‘Tis a compulsion, a mania.
To kiss repeatedly…
(He kisses her on the neck)
Consistently…
(He kisses her on the cheek)
Always…
(He kisses her on the lips)
The object of your love, the object of your daze.
It gets even worse when that object is so pure.
(He kisses her again)
ETHELFLEDA
I suffer from it too! I hope there is no cure.
(She kisses him. Enter Swashbuckler, Henry, Patrick)
PATRICK
Say, how did you get by your nickname, ‘Swashbuckler’?
HENRY
Before answering he might want to wait for her.
PATRICK
‘Tis true, as Colin said, that in your native tongue,
It translates as ‘the well-endowed?’
ETHELFLEDA
Colin?
COLIN
‘Tis wrong!
I said : ‘The well-endeavored!’ It is the accent…
ETHELFLEDA
When it suits you…
PATRICK
Yours is not worth a dime, or cent.
I should have known better.
COLIN
…Maybe listened harder…
HENRY
You will find that in the name is hid a spoiler.
SWASHBUCKLER
That is true enough, and I will gladly recount
The whole story –
COLIN
Again?! But this is tantamount –
(Enter Maria Carolina, Irina)
MARIA CAROLINA
I see you are jesting, having fun without us?
IRINA
What is, may we ask, the object of this ruckus?
HENRY
Our old friend Armand, here, was eager to explain
The genesis of his nickname.
SWASHBUCKLER
I would be fain
To proceed, but ‘tis complicated.
COLIN
That’s certain!
IRINA
Will he do so before the fall of the curtain?
SWASHBUCKLER
Have you got something planned in the coming future?
(They all nod ‘no’)
It is a thrilling tale, a wondrous adventure.
MARIA CAROLINA
Better than your latest?
SWASHBUCKLER
It could not well compare.
Nothing would ever match such happy ending rare,
Though my story recounts of courage, war and love –
MARIA CAROLINA
I do not like its start…Not the third one above.
SWASHBUCKLER
I was sent to Venice to help a woman wronged,
Cheated, and later cast out from where she belonged.
She was rich, powerful, had a sense of humor –
MARIA CAROLINA
(Mildly annoyed)
I am not sure I like how you speak with fervor.
SWASHBUCKLER
She was seventy-two, and an aunt twice-removed.
MARIA CAROLINA
(Reassured)
Pray proceed, dear.
SWASHBUCKLER
As I was saying, it behooved –
MARIA CAROLINA
What is it?
SWASHBUCKLER
I feel like we are being followed.
MARIA CAROLINA
Nonsense!
SWASHBUCKLER
I was saying…The scandal foreshadowed
Of much worse things to come. I had to act quickly.
I was to swoop in, drop the curtain stylishly…
VOCABULARY
Amoureuse : French. Lover, girlfriend.
Amphitryon : French. Host.
Apodyopsis : The act of mentally undressing someone.
Aroint : Begone!
Asphodel : A type of lily. In poetic fashion, an immortal flower striving in the Elysian
Fields.
Athanor : An alchemist’s furnace.
Bakotxak bere bidea : Basque. ‘To each is own path.s’ –tx is pronounced like the
English –ch. (Ba-ko-txak be-re bi-de-a, 8 syllables)
Barrière de Reuilly : One of the many points of entry to the city of Paris.
Bedlam : Mental institution in London.
Behoof : Advantage, benefit.
Belle : French. Beautiful, applied to a word of the female gender, ‘woman’ here.
Bellicose : Prone to war, eager to fight.
Brand : Sword.
Brocade : Decorated silk, often with gold and silver threads.
Bugloss : Herb used as a heart stimulant.
Callipygean : Having well-shaped buttocks.
Callow : Inexperienced and immature.
Casus belli : Latin. Cause for war.
C’est grave, docteur? : French. Literally, ‘Is it serious, Doctor?’
Chevau-léger : Member of the light cavalry. The –er or –ers (plural) ending are
pronounced like the –é of blasé, –au like –o, and the –g like that of
‘liege’ not ‘siege’. (For the French speakers : the singular chevau-
léger is already outdated, so for the plural I chose chevaux-légers as
recommended by some instead of the usual chevau-légers, or worse,
chevaus-légers.)
Choiseul : Etienne François Duke of Choiseul remained Prime Minister until
December 24, 1770, a few months after the events described.
Conciergerie : Place in Paris where criminals were brought in for questioning
(torture).
Cor : Expression of surprise, admiration, alarm.
Coruscating : Sparkling or brilliant.
Cosset : Spoilt child.
Cour des miracles : French expression designating areas in cities (Paris itself counted
a dozen of them) where migrants, unemployed, wretches and all
sorts of misfits, outcasts and the like gathered (pronounced in
French it amounts to 4 syllables, 5 in English).
Couth : Cultured, refined, well-mannered.
Coyish : Shy, modest (from coy).
Cracksman : Burglar.
Damask : Patterned silk.
Dee : John Dee (1527-1609). His cipher was 007, and the inspiration behind Ian
Fleming’s eponymous super spy, not the other way round.
Defensor : Defender, esp. in court ; also a protector.
Denier : French. The –er ending is pronounced like the –é of blasé. Small coin
De trop : Unwanted, unwelcome (from French).
Douleur exquise : French. Pain one suffers due to an unreachable object of affection
(literally, ‘exquisite pain’).
Drôle d’oiseau : French. Literally, ‘Funny bird’. Figuratively, ‘Oddball’. Play on the
fact that oiseau means bird and moineau is a sparrow, a type of bird.
Egad : To express surprise.
Elver : A young eel.
Emet / Met : Hebrew. Truth / Death. Words written on a golem to animate / kill him.
Empyrean realm : Heaven.
Encomium (pl. encomia) : A discourse or letter that praises highly.
Ere : Before.
Exeunt : Latin. They exit.
Faire-valoir : French. Foil (as in ‘To be someone’s foil’).
Fata Morgana : Mirage (literally, ‘Morgan Le Fey’).
Femme : French. Woman ; wife.
Fie : Expression used to express outrage.
Fille de joie : Prostitute.
Flesh : ‘The flesh is unfulfilling, Alas! and I have read all books.’ From Mallarmé’s
poem ‘Sea breeze’ (second half of the 19th, translation by the author).
Fraught : Affected by anxiety.
Futhark : Runic alphabet.
Gaoler : Jailer.
Ichor : The equivalent of blood for gods and goddesses in Greek mythology.
Janus : Two-faced. (From the Roman god who