Swashbuckler
suffer I’m afraid from apodyopsis.
ROBIN
Are you certain, doctor, of your diagnosis?
What about all the drugs? What’s with the theatrics?
AQUARIUS
To get rid of the man. Hence my tricks and antics.
You forgive me, I trust.
ROBIN
If I return to health,
I will grant you your wish and share with you my wealth.
AQUARIUS
Your disease is a lot milder than you may dream,
In spite of what I’ve said, in spite of what I seem.
I have lived long enough, to see when such a case
Strikes a young lad like you –
ROBIN
(Unnerved)
I hope it’s just a phase.
AQUARIUS
I’m afraid not. But you did not let me finish.
It affects men and women alike. The coyish
No less than the forward.
ROBIN
(Pressing)
Help me! What is the cure?
AQUARIUS
It’s only natural, even for one demure
Like yourself…young lady.
ROBIN
(Surprised, Robin recoils)
I am a man doctor,
Though I look boyish.
AQUARIUS
I won’t betray your honor,
Worry not. You must have your reasons to disguise
Such pure and lovely face. Your fairness caught his eyes,
I see why. But you should know that even a quack
Can be perspicacious. In fact we have a knack
For seeing through people.
ROBIN
You command my respect,
Doctor. Please stay true to your promise. The prospect
Of my friends learning the truth – I cannot afford,
Not just yet.
AQUARIUS
As I said, you have my word, My Lord.
ROBIN
Now for the problem at hand.
AQUARIUS
Yes?
ROBIN
What remedy,
Doctor?
AQUARIUS
What do you mean?
ROBIN
You know, my malady!
AQUARIUS
Oh that? ‘Tis nothing.
ROBIN
Nothing?! An apoapsis?!
AQUARIUS
It is even better : an a-po-dy-o-psis.
ROBIN
What is it then?
(Aquarius whispers to her the definition. Robin covers her mouth with her hand and pronounces the next words indignantly)
I do not!
AQUARIUS
I am old and wise –
ROBIN
As in old fart and wisecracker? No one denies.
AQUARIUS
I mean, I trust my judgment of your behavior.
I see how you react, witness your demeanor
When the man is around : you’re not the same person.
You and him always talk and act in unison.
ROBIN
If I were you, magus, I would stick to potions
But not of love : you can’t recognize emotions.
As for your conclusion, I am adamantly
Opposed to it.
AQUARIUS
You can protest vehemently
However you like, but the truth remains the truth.
I don’t see the shame for my part. He’s a fine youth.
ROBIN
What about my weakness? Why ever did I faint?
AQUARIUS
Other than exhaustion? Fighting without restraint?
I can think of nothing. You look healthy enough,
You don’t suffer from flu, not even a hiccough.
But I strongly suggest that you ponder the thought
That I raised earlier about – him.
ROBIN
What? And be distraught?
Thank you, doctor, for your most unhelpful input.
Does this mean I can go?
AQUARIUS
No poultice and no root
Will be of any help for your ‘rare’ condition.
I suggest you succumb to your inclination.
ROBIN
There is a game afoot, more than a game a war,
For the fate of Europe. To prevail I forswore
Pesky impediments : friendship, family, love.
I have no time to waste playing in an alcove.
There is no place for a frivolous dalliance.
My personal life is now held in abeyance.
AQUARIUS
Can you win without love? And if yes what’s the point?
Empires come and go. Only love does anoint
For all eternity.
ROBIN
How much do I owe you?
AQUARIUS
All the tips are on me. Promise me not to rue
Your decision.
ROBIN
I will inform you if we save
Europe. And for that, doctor, I need to behave.
AQUARIUS
(She is standing up and about to leave when he stays her hand ; He addresses her with a warning tone in his voice)
Fighting men is easy, battling demons is not,
And the worst of them all are not in Hell to plot.
(Robin looks uncomprehending, Aquarius pauses a second)
We’ve held the belief many a millennium,
Our fiercest foes reside in Pandemonium.
‘Tis not so : they thrive happily in people’s mind.
They dictate their actions, they order, lead, spellbind.
If you let fear and hatred your heart inhabit,
They have as good as won, you can concede defeat.
ROBIN
This is a sound advice, which I will try to heed.
AQUARIUS
One last thing if I may?
ROBIN
By all means, pray proceed.
AQUARIUS
I don’t know if you heard…I own a stack of books,
That is most impressive. It is on tenterhooks,
I’m afraid to admit.
ROBIN
Why is that may I ask?
AQUARIUS
My current lively, healthy state, in which I bask,
Will not last much longer.
ROBIN
Surely it is not true.
You look handsome and swift.
AQUARIUS
Thank you for that review,
But I know I am done.
ROBIN
Prithee, says who?
AQUARIUS
Quoth I.
The portents are as clear as the sun in the sky.
ROBIN
You should move to London.
AQUARIUS
‘Twill not alter my fate.
I know you already have a lot on your plate,
But I needs must bequeath my unique collection.
Many of its items were meant for destruction –
They are too powerful, easy to be misused –
I could not bring myself to do it. If abused
They could wreak a lot more than a gentle havoc.
ROBIN
Why me?
AQUARIUS
Well, I have a lot of faith in your stock.
You seem reasonable, and a woman to boot.
ROBIN
I might be the wrong choice.
AQUARIUS
In faith, the point is moot.
I trust my instincts, they never failed me. Habits…
Die hard. Has any man would notice, who has wits –
(He head nods towards the street)
ROBIN
He has plenty, and his heart is in the right place.
AQUARIUS
As any man would notice, your features, your face,
Betray your good nature. You are the right person.
Let me give you this key…
(He hands Robin a k
ey and a piece of paper)
…I can now jettison,
Everything that was once mine.
ROBIN
Thank you for your trust.
I hope I show worthy of it.
AQUARIUS
You look august,
You do, indeed.
ROBIN
As long as I do not look vain…
I thank you.
AQUARIUS
I hope we see each other again.
ROBIN
I will come back before your untimely demise.
AQUARIUS
All demise is timely.
ROBIN
I trust you, you are wise.
(Exit Robin from the shop. She arrives in the street where Colin is already)
COLIN
I followed his advice and drank me some liquor.
I don’t know about you but I feel much better.
ROBIN
You were fine in the first place, fool, I was hurting.
Anyway, wait ‘til tomorrow, in the morning :
I will feel elated, you will have a headache.
COLIN
It may depend, Robin, at which time I awake.
(Colin sits down to rest. Enter Swashbuckler)
SWASHBUCKLER
We know their hiding place, we must hurry and move.
Now is the time if you have anything to prove.
I hope you feel better.
ROBIN
I do but…
SWASHBUCKLER
(Points at Colin)
What’s with him?
ROBIN
I hope this won’t have him fall down in your esteem…
SWASHBUCKLER
He’s sick?
ROBIN
He drank. A little bit. Of alcohol.
SWASHBUCKLER
Idiot! He might as well have dug his own hole.
ROBIN
Pray do not yell at him, he is fit for duty.
He will only be a minute, I warrant thee.
SWASHBUCKLER
You have a lot of faith.
ROBIN
He is more than worthy.
SWASHBUCKLER
Then he’s just become your responsibility.
Slap him!
ROBIN
Will…Will that do any good? Are you sure?
SWASHBUCKLER
Do it!
ROBIN
(She slaps Colin gently)
Like that?
SWASHBUCKLER
Try a lot harder, I assure –
(She slaps Colin again as instructed and it echoes loudly, even Swashbuckler is startled. Colin wakes up and stands upright in a second, still confused though).
COLIN
Come back, coward! Let me unsheathe my sword! How dare…
SWASHBUCKLER
Musketeer?
COLIN
What? What is it?
ROBIN
(Innocent)
Just a bad nightmare.
COLIN
It felt so real to me…
SWASHBUCKLER
Hep! We have to make haste.
Our information, Colin, cannot go to waste.
COLIN
Right, the mission.
SWASHBUCKLER
Yes, the mission. Can we proceed?
COLIN
We can draw the conclusion, for I am rested.
SWASHBUCKLER
Then let us set out to punish some criminals,
Get the undertaker busy with funerals.
(Exeunt)
Scene 4
(At a street corner, ten feet away from the alleged enemies’ lair. Swashbuckler, Henry, Patrick, Colin, Robin and a Traitor whose hands are bound)
PATRICK
Here is the foul traitor I managed to capture.
Later I will tell you – ‘tis quite an adventure –
He has been following John and I since morning.
SWASHBUCKLER
Where is John, by the way?
PATRICK
Maybe still pursuing
The pirates…At any rate, not ten yards away
Is this cur’s hiding place.
HENRY
(He looks at the traitor ominously and pulls his sword)
Alrighty, time to flay!
TRAITOR 1
Please, don’t kill me! I will spill everything I know.
There’s no need for torture.
SWASHBUCKLER
Aren’t you a nice fellow!
Have you got the treaty? Where is it kept hidden?
How many rooms? Have you got a cellar? Garden?
How many seditious knaves stand guard as we speak?
Hurry, fool, my sword is frantic!
TRAITOR 1
I am so weak…
There are two floors but neither a roof nor basement.
We are a few guarding, but not a regiment.
There should be six of us at any given time.
SWASHBUCKLER
How well do you know them, those foul partners in crime?
TRAITOR 1
Not well.
SWASHBUCKLER
So then, it would not appear suspicious
If, say, I entered?
TRAITOR 1
No one would be dubious.
HENRY
As long as he knows the password, I imagine.
SWASHBUCKLER
Henry, that should not be too hard to determine.
What is the password, knave?
(He pretends to hit the traitor, the latter cowers)
TRAITOR 1
It is “God save the quean!”
HENRY
(Henry is about to hit the traitor)
You must think we are fools…
TRAITOR 1
This is not what I mean!
It’s ‘quean…’ Q-U-E-A-N.
HENRY
You filthy scoundrel!
This is no hiding place, it must be a brothel.
(He strikes the traitor)
TRAITOR 1
I swear it is true! It is meant as disrespect…
SWASHBUCKLER
You might be successful in your little effect.
It would take deranged men to insult royalties.
This has strongly revived our animosities.
About the document, traitor, where is it kept?
TRAITOR 1
Supposedly it’s here…This is not where I slept,
I can’t really be sure… It was due yesterday.
So, unless the carrier suffered a delay…
SWASHBUCKLER
What is his name? Is he from here or a stranger?
TRAITOR 1
I swear I do not know who was that messenger.
PATRICK
What do we do now? What is our course of action?
SWASHBUCKLER
I go, I speak the password, I enter the mansion.
I hold the door for you and kill the sentinel.
You join me. We hack, we cut, we sever, we fell.
‘Tis not the hour to be shy : hoist the red flag.
If they do oppose resistance…you kill the lag!
It is not just for me this matter’s