Swashbuckler

drunkards, over in Hradcany.

  JOHN

  I know a few ladies who feel quite gossipy.

  ROBIN

  I’ll to Mala Strana, it’s full of busy streets.

  Peradventure someone will talk.

  COLIN

  If it’s bandits?

  I think I’ll go with you. You know, just to be safe.

  (He looks embarrassed)

  Er…How is your wound by the way? Does it still…chafe?

  SWASHBUCKLER

  We have two more days before the ball gentlemen.

  It is time to prove that, as friends and as brethren,

  We are stronger and smarter than our enemies.

  They are ahead but we have skills, abilities.

  They are plenty, we are tight-knit and resourceful.

  They are afraid, rushing, we are thorough, careful.

  We should not waver for we are gaining on them.

  Never doubt it and we will not face a problem

  We cannot overcome. Now, away all of you,

  We meet at the tavern later for a review.

  (Exeunt Swashbuckler, Henry, John, Patrick)

  COLIN

  So…Mala Strana. Across the Charles Bridge…

  ROBIN

  Yes, and?

  COLIN

  Nothing, nothing.

  ROBIN

  My arm is fine, so is my hand.

  COLIN

  I didn’t –

  ROBIN

  I see you glimpsing from time to time.

  COLIN

  I don’t want you to end up with septi…septim…

  ROBIN

  Septicemia, with a French ‘i’, not an ‘aïe’.

  COLIN

  That one. In any case, I don’t want you to die.

  ROBIN

  I can’t, my…our mission is far from over yet.

  COLIN

  It seems so important to you. You look so… set.

  ROBIN

  I am. I need prove that though hatred is potent,

  Faithfulness, friendship and love are more important.

  I want to show betrayers never do prosper

  ‘Tis truth that vanquish all and end up the winner.

  (They stand in awkward silence for a moment)

  ROBIN

  Earlier you mentioned the fact that I seem raised

  Differently than most.

  COLIN

  You wonder what amazed –

  ROBIN

  I do. Pray tell, Colin, what is it you find odd?

  COLIN

  I already feel bad for looking like a sod

  When earlier I said all those things about you.

  ROBIN

  But I do want to know what is your point of view.

  COLIN

  Why the sudden interest? What changed since last night?

  ROBIN

  I have overreacted, you may have been right.

  I value your opinion. If I know what’s wrong,

  Maybe I can correct it.

  COLIN

  You are lithe and headstrong,

  ‘Tis a dangerous mix, but you are not my foe.

  There is nothing to correct, Robin. I should know.

  (He pauses a few seconds, uncertain whether he should proceed or not)

  I have been watching you, spying your every move,

  There is nary a thing in you I disapprove.

  You have the qualities only women possess.

  I know I should stay quiet but I cannot suppress

  The heavy thoughts that weigh on me like an anchor.

  I’m about to capsize, and unleash your rancor,

  But I will speak my mind. Either way it is death.

  So bear with me, Robin, for a while hold your breath.

  You seem to have been fed not only the best milk,

  You appear to have been dressed in the best of silk.

  Your bearing is royal, your mien avuncular.

  Your parents must have laced your drinks with some nectar,

  And mix with victuals the Gods’ own ambrosia.

  I could forget my name, be struck with amnesia,

  Just by staying too long with you on this mission.

  Your face is so demure, it screams of perfection.

  Your self-restraint, sobriety, are examples

  For many a man. They should have their own temples.

  You share with goddesses, simplicity, kindness,

  Raw power you always use wisely, thank goodness!

  You should settle for King, or no less than a Duke

  (Robin is about to say something)

  Please allow me, before uttering your rebuke.

  You deserve a mansion, or better a palace,

  To highlight your assets : you’re a rara avis.

  You look fit for brocade, even on mundane days ;

  You should wear damask with elaborate inlays,

  as you get out of bed. I imagine you change

  Attire twice a day, for you own a wide range.

  I picture that at night, you wear yraigne for bed

  (‘Tis said to be light and strong like a spider’s thread).

  Your eyes are like two gems, at night coruscating,

  Wells of inspiration during the day. Soothing

  Is how your voice sounds even in the early hour.

  Your breath is a perfume while mine is just sour.

  Yet I know you practice both sword and rapier,

  And if we were to duel I would not wager

  That I’d be the victor. I have experience

  But you…your mere carriage commends obedience.

  I could go on and on, until the trumpets sounds –

  ROBIN

  (She’s blushing and trying to cover her face)

  Pray, Monsieur, stay quiet. Your avowal abounds

  With compliments I do not deserve.

  COLIN

  Every one

  Is tried and true, I swear. Next to you I look wan,

  And I am musketeer, several years older.

  Yet, you’re the one impress your will on the other.

  Nothing that I could add would be superfluous.

  ROBIN

  Everything that you said is but meretricious.

  COLIN

  If only you spoke French, I would give an encore.

  ROBIN

  You see gifts where are none. I do not bleed ichor.

  COLIN

  But –

  ROBIN

  Marry, Monsieur, stop! Let us leave it at that.

  We are on assignment. To be apt for combat

  We have to stay focused.

  COLIN

  I do apologize.

  I had to speak my mind. Did I antagonize –

  ROBIN

  No, Colin. I value your friendship above all.

  But let’s quell the matter and resort to our role.

  I appreciate more than you know, I admit,

  Your confession. It’s true, it does elicit…

  Something…within myself that I have never felt.

  COLIN

  Please do not feel obliged –

  ROBIN

  I am not here to pelt

  You, Colin. Please, it is now my turn to finish.

  We have still a lot to achieve and accomplish.

  We have Europe to save – we are deeply embroiled –

  There are conspirators, evil plans, should be foiled.

  We are to help our kings by playing the police.

  We are quite busy. But I want you to know this :

  I find your attitude neither unbecoming

  Nor untoward, improper…even unsettling.

  I cannot say more…yet. You are not immoral.

  Your timing I’m afraid, is less than optimal,

  Inopportune even. I wish you had waited.

  I brought this upon me, it was not intended.

  I do thank you though for being blunt, not tacit,

  It shows that you have courage, that you h
ave merit.

  I would very much fancy you staying around.

  That I do enjoy your presence should not astound.

  COLIN

  If I may…I would we went our separate ways.

  ROBIN

  But…I…

  COLIN

  I must insist. My…My speech underplays…

  Greatly…my state of mind. My feelings are wayward,

  My assurance is gone, yourself appear awkward.

  I am confused and lost, ‘tis not acceptable,

  When we are expected to be reliable.

  I wish I could take back, much – if not all – I said.

  Please forget everything, otherwise I’m afraid

  It will put our mission in full jeopardy.

  Out of respect for me, please stay away. Merci.

  Act IV

  Scene 1

  (The scene takes place first in the street, in front of Aquarius’ shop, then inside the shop itself. Enter Moineau, Tew, Avery)

  MOINEAU

  You see, dear scallywags, the task wasn’t so bad.

  TEW

  The booty be decent –

  AVERY

  We’ve reasons to be glad!

  MOINEAU

  We found a book, objects, and handwritten parchments.

  This should be well enough to trade the documents.

  The mage will be happy.

  TEW

  We avoided the curse!

  AVERY

  I would have minded leaving fair Prague in a hearse.

  MOINEAU

  I was inspired to hire those ugly handymen.

  If Aquarius be right, ‘tis a bad omen.

  TEW

  Where are they anyway? They did earned their reward.

  AVERY

  Maybe buying new clothes now that they can afford…

  MOINEAU

  They will meet us later, they had errands to run.

  AVERY

  That grave digging exhausted me, it was no fun.

  TEW

  And we hardly had any sleep.

  MOINEAU

  It’s opening.

  (The shutters open. They walk into Aquarius’ shop. Enter Aquarius)

  AQUARIUS

  What is it that you want early in the morning?

  MOINEAU

  We brought you what you asked.

  AQUARIUS

  Already? Cor! ‘Twas fast!

  MOINEAU

  It was easy.

  TEW

  Simple.

  AVERY

  Quicker than say ‘Avast!’

  MOINEAU

  As you can see, we are gentlemen of our word.

  AQUARIUS

  (Aquarius shuffles piles of papers)

  So am I. Here it is, what you want, early bird.

  (He hands Moineau some documents)

  As you can see at the bottom is his trademark.

  Rarely he used his name, sometimes he used futhark,

  But always were his numbers, double ‘O,’ seven.

  It is his signature, on his letters even.

  You have the formula, you have the ingredients…

  MOINEAU

  What are those signs, symbols? And all those elements?

  AQUARIUS

  I took the liberty to write down…‘Tis a chart.

  It does indicate how you should practice the ‘Art.’

  You will need mercury, silver, gold and camphor.

  It will necessitate vials, an athanor,

  And sundry equipment…‘Tis all inscribe below.

  MOINEAU

  How fast is this process?

  AQUARIUS

  Alas, extremely slow.

  It would take you a year.

  MOINEAU

  ‘Tis better than nothing.

  TEW & AVERY

  A year?!

  MOINEAU

  Enough, scoundrels.

  (To Aquarius)

  We do not mind waiting.

  Right?

  (Enter Swashbuckler, Colin, Robin)

  COLIN

  You were inspired, Swash, to follow those pirates.

  ROBIN

  We need to arrest them.

  COLIN

  Put them all behind struts.

  ROBIN

  Bars.

  COLIN

  Either way.

  SWASHBUCKLER

  Good sirs, you will need follow us.

  We are arresting you. Please do not make a fuss.

  We are trained soldiers while you carry no weapon.

  You have a bunch of sheets, we have a garrison.

  TEW

  Why? We did naught wrong.

  AVERY

  Except…the cemetery.

  MOINEAU

  Hold your tongues, fools. It is time for diplomacy.

  (He lurches forward and gets a hold of a sword. He nods to his accomplices to do the same)

  We went to great length, an awful lot of trouble,

  To get those documents.

  COLIN

  Now you are in double,

  For you won’t be leaving as long as we draw breath.

  MOINEAU

  ‘Tis your warrant you sign, cuz it won’t be my death.

  There is too much at stake to just give them to you.

  (He puts the papers in his vest)

  AQUARIUS

  Stop it!

  ROBIN

  You will not be harmed until we interview –

  (They thrust their swords at one another a few times but are impeded by the furniture and all the junk in the shop. They break some beakers)

  AQUARIUS

  Criminy! Watch out rogues! This is all my life’s work.

  Help me my assistant! By God, where is my clerk?

  Where is Joseph Ducreux when you need him the most?

  MOINEAU

  I sympathize. When a lad is not at his post,

  It is most displeasing.

  AQUARIUS

  You want a distraction?

  (He rummages in his right pocket and gets some powder he throws to the ground. Nothing happens)

  Fie! Those are my ground cocoas for my concoction.

  (He rummages in his left pocket and gets another powder he throws again to the floor. There is a puff of white smoke and when it lifts, he has disappeared. Exit Aquarius)

  SWASHBUCKLER

  What say you scoundrels we fight like real men.

  TEW

  Agreed!

  ROBIN

  Evil is fast spreading, time to root out its weed.

  (The characters aim for the door. They all exit the shop except Aquarius and start the fight in the street)

  Scene 2

  (Swashbuckler is paired with Moineau, Colin with Tew, Robin with Avery. They fight on and off stage)

  SWASHBUCKLER

  What did you do it for? Is it power? Money?

  MOINEAU

  Something ye’ll never experience : liberty!

  Ye can’t ask a soldier to fight for an ideal.

  What do ye know of loss, pain, suffering, ordeal?

  You take orders, you obey, you have no meaning.

  You borrow it from others…You are a lemming!

  Poor soul, you have never known the taste of freedom.

  Your pathetic existence is…someone’s kingdom.

  SWASHBUCKLER

  I do not endanger people’s lives recklessly.

  I have honor and faith, morals and dignity.

  TEW

  Mates, I’ll help you, we should be done in a second.

  This lad be weak.

  COLIN

  Poor sod, I’m as hard as diamond.

  You’re a donkey!

  ROBIN

  An ass…

  AVERY

  Mine’s even easier.

  Tew, who will be the first to win? Care to wager?

  (Enter Henry, John, Patrick)

  HENRY

  Surrender now blackguards! You are overpowered.

&
nbsp; We are six now. Your defeat cannot be deferred.

  (Enter Thieves 1 and 2. The second one is bulky, huge, wears a scarf over his face and sports ragged clothes)

  MOINEAU

  Help, lads! Come hither lend us your arms and daggers.

  See that? We just enrolled a set of murderers…

  One is a golem!

  JOHN

  Egad! They have a golem!

  COLIN

  So?

  JOHN

  ‘Tis a devilish creature.

  SWASHBUCKLER

  Not a problem.

  Henry?

  HENRY

  Yes?

  SWASHBUCKLER

  Prithee assist me. Do take my place.

  (Henry rushes to fight Moineau while Swashbuckler tackles thief 2. Exeunt. Patrick struggles with thief 1)

  SWASHBUCKLER

  Aroint, fiend!

  PATRICK

  May I ask what is that we face?

  ROBIN

  We saw them take the documents. They must be stopped.

  COLIN

  If you can’t manage that…well, they have to be dropped.

  PATRICK

  John, what is a golem?

  JOHN

  A demon in the flesh.

  Or…not…since it has none.

  TEW

  You like him? He be fresh…

  AVERY

  Fresh from the graveyard, where we picked him up last night.

  TEW

  We revived him.

  AVERY

  He obeys our command, that’s right.

  We crafted him out of solid rock, not mere clay.

  His weak spot is his hand – on which yours will not lay –

  For ‘tis where is inscribed his word of life : ‘Emet.’

  To kill him would require that this be turned to ‘Met.’

  MOINEAU

  You should run while you can, he is unstoppable.

  COLIN

  Well, your face is wonky and you’re despicable.

  ‘Tis why you should surrender.

  TEW

  A bloody poet,

  That be no opponent.

  ROBIN

  ‘Gainst an analphabet?

  I should think so.

  AVERY

  The lad be mighty protective.

  PATRICK

  There’s no need for armor against your invective.

  (He stabs Thief 1 who drops his sword and staggers down the street. He follows him. Exeunt)

  HENRY

  John, see to it that the old man does not escape.

  I will need have a word, once I’m done with this ape.

  (John enters the shop. Henry turns to Moineau once more)

  You have not your sea legs this is terra firma.

  MOINEAU

  My sword is all I need to inflict a trauma,

  Which is what your allies will feel when I kill you.

  HENRY

  Your eyes are terrible, you take me for a shrew

  When I am a soldier more than experienced,

  Strong, embattled.

  MOINEAU

  You forget knave, as evidenced –

  (Henry slashes Moineau’s vest with the point of his sword. The papers fall to the ground. Moineau hesitates a second then decides to run away. Exit Moineau)

  HENRY

  Two down, three to go.

  (He pursues Moineau. Exit Henry)

  ROBIN

  This is your last chance, scoundrel.

  (The swordfights switch : Tew turns to Robin and Avery to Colin)

  AVERY

  Tew? What we be doing?

  TEW

  Bumping off a minstrel.

  COLIN

  Your boss is fleeing. Doesn’t that give you ideas?

  AVERY

  You be worse than –

  TEW

  On a sick dog a swarm of fleas.

  Aboard a ship, you wouldn’t stand a chance.

  COLIN

  Boohoo!

  TEW

  Teetotaler!

  ROBIN

  My…! Is that the worst you can do?

  (She lurches forward and disarms Tew, but she ends up off balance for a second and he jumps on this occasion to push her against a wall. She tries to get up but collapses under the effort. She remains on the ground unconscious. Tew escapes. Exit)

  COLIN

  Robin…! You’ll pay for that, knave!

  (He stabs Avery on the shoulder.)

  AVERY

  Ouch! Until next time…

  (Exit Avery. Colin goes to Robin’s help. He carries her inside the shop. Exeunt. Enter Swashbuckler and Thief 2)

  SWASHBUCKLER

  This is not a battle, barely a pantomime.

  ‘Tis no monster I face, only a criminal,

  Even if he has the strength of an animal.

  THIEF 2

  I have been to prison. I won’t be going back.

  SWASHBUCKLER

  As you wish. Here is my secret compound attack.

  (Swashbuckler delivers several feints and thrusts in a row, finally piercing his enemy’s chest. Thief 2 collapses)

  You sealed your own fate, fell for my most artful thrust.

  I did not enjoy it, I suffer no bloodlust.

  (Enter Henry)

  HENRY

  I admire your dexterity and aptitude.

  They set a shining example, Swash.

  SWASHBUCKLER

  Pulchritude.

  (He waves his sword)

  It was pulchritude slew the monster…means ‘beauty.’

  HENRY

  I am English, I know what it means. ‘Tis…funny…

  Odd. What made you choose such a name for a weapon?

  SWASHBUCKLER

  Well, nature abhors a vacuum. Whereupon,

  For every life I take, I like imagining

  A new one replaces it…a new beginning.

  I help create beauty, in my own crooked way.

  HENRY

  An interesting take. I might use it one day.

  (They get near the fallen papers. Swashbuckler picks them up)

  SWASHBUCKLER

  What in the…?!

  HENRY

  In the name of the wee man!

  SWASHBUCKLER

  ‘Tis not…

  HENRY

  All this fighting and this killing, it was for naught!

  SWASHBUCKLER

  It is not the treaty. It is some…gibberish.

  I have never seen those symbols, mixed with English.

  HENRY

  I have. I wot not what they mean, as it happens.

  Supposedly they descended from the heavens…

  SWASHBUCKLER

  We will need go inside, ask the old man for more.

  He must know what this is that both of us ignore.

  Scene 3

  (In Aquarius’ shop. Robin is sitting in an armchair, recovering. Colin is pacing nervously the narrow aisles. Aquarius is looking pensive)

  COLIN

  He fought, he fainted, he looks hurt. C’est grave, docteur?

  You know what ill affects him? Will he get better?

  AQUARIUS

  (Looks at Robin, auscultates her for a minute, feels her pulse, touches her forehead. Then he stands up and looks around in his shop)

  I need my vials, my books, every ingredient.

  There are no instructions to treat –

  COLIN

  What?

  AQUARIUS

  Such patient.

  Let’s see. Wait. Let’s see. How about…an ounce of shonth?

  I forget, my assistant finished it last month.

  (Talking to himself)

  (For the millionth time he has to be reminded

  To place a new order : our stocks are depleted.)

  (Turns to Robin)

  Fear not, shonth is ginger and not recommended

  For what ails you. What next? Something basic? Acid?

  I could pour
in your glass a drop of fresh silver

  As well as blood of snake, or an eye of elver.

  COLIN

  That made me shiver. I think I’m gonna be sick.

  AQUARIUS

  Why don’t you wait outside? You will feel terrific.

  COLIN

  I cannot leave his bedside unless he is well.

  ROBIN

  Worry not, Colin. This trifle is no death knell.

  (Enter Swashbuckler, Henry)

  HENRY

  (Turns to Colin and head nods towards Robin)

  Colin, how does the lad feel? Is he maimed or hurt?

  COLIN

  We are not sure yet. Forgive me if I seem curt.

  (Swashbuckler hands the papers over to Aquarius)

  SWASHBUCKLER

  What are those?

  AQUARIUS

  Rare papers. Handwritten manuscript.

  John Dee’s work, done entirely in angelic script.

  SWASHBUCKLER

  Are they worth a lot?

  AQUARIUS

  For the uninformed? No, no.

  They are abstruse and cryptic. Not for the wise, though.

  HENRY

  For pirates?

  AQUARIUS

  It depends…If they are resourceful…

  Can I have them back? Perchance, they could be useful.

  SWASHBUCKLER

  What if I keep them?

  AQUARIUS

  They are mine! It will cost you.

  Have you got a fiefdom?

  (Swashbuckler nods yes)

  That much. And your gold, too!

  You look friendly, I’ll throw a steed in the bargain.

  SWASHBUCKLER

  My fiefdom? For a mule?

  AQUARIUS

  A steed, sir.

  SWASHBUCKLER

  What a gain!

  Am I the King of England, lost in a meadow,

  To be dealt such lousy, one-sided quid pro quo?!

  What did they give you for them? Money?

  AQUARIUS

  Er…Nothing.

  They…stole them.

  HENRY

  Unlikely. We are confiscating.

  Make sure our lad there is in full recovery,

  We might change our minds.

  AQUARIUS

  ‘Tis outrageous! Larceny!

  I accept. Now be gone and let me do my work.

  SWASHBUCKLER

  Colin, stay with Robin. If the old man does irk –

  COLIN

  Swash, I will take care of everything, worry not.

  I’m certain Robin’s state is no cause to be fraught.

  (Exeunt Swashbuckler, Henry)

  AQUARIUS

  Then let’s resume, shall we? How about this purple –

  (He looks at some vial)

  Powder. It’s safe, I can prescribe a whole scruple.

  ROBIN

  What is it?

  AQUARIUS

  I assume…Elysian asphodel.

  I sprinkle some over a glass of muscadel,

  When I fancy one.

  COLIN

  (Colin brings something from behind a counter)

  If he decides to wolf down

  That nice-looking strudel?

  AQUARIUS

  What? Put it away clown!

  This is meant for a dog that suffers belly aches,

  Not for a grown adult. That would require mandrakes.

  COLIN

  This is not a disease, it is a scourge, a curse.

  ROBIN

  (Robin doesn’t look excited)

  Will I then feel better?

  AQUARIUS

  It can’t make you feel worse.

  COLIN

  You don’t seem confident, that’s a cause for alarm.

  AQUARIUS

  I know what I am doing, it involves no harm.

  COLIN

  What speciality, what credentials are yours?

  AQUARIUS

  Well, everyday I face and have to deal with boors!

  I am a physician, can treat any disease.

  I have completed an alchemical treatise :

  The book of Aquarius. Are you cognizant –

  COLIN

  I can’t say that I am.

  AQUARIUS

  It is most excellent.

  (He turns To Robin once again)

  If you are reluctant, why not try some bugloss.

  Wait… ‘Tis a heart stimulant, ill-fitting like dross.

  I have concoctions aplenty, the widest range

  You will find in Old Town.

  COLIN

  (Colin comes from behind a shelf with something in his hand)

  How about an orange?

  AQUARIUS

  (Looking exasperated)

  If she suffered from mange, I would consider it.

  Now, please find us a sleeping draught and swallow it.

  ROBIN

  At this rhythm, will I survive the antidote?

  COLIN

  Do not falter in your will to live. Lose not hope,

  I pray thee. We are doomed to failure without you.

  ROBIN

  Cheers, Colin, but you exaggerate my value.

  COLIN

  I swear on my life we wouldn’t have gotten far

  Without your skills, your tact – you are no faire-valoir.

  AQUARIUS

  Young man why don’t you try and make yourself useful

  By drinking some cordial.

  COLIN

  How much?

  AQUARIUS

  Until you’re full.

  (Exit Colin. Aquarius turns to Robin and stares at her for a long time)

  You