In Love : Once & Forever

typed those ten numbers in my phone for more than hundred times but I wasn’t courageous enough even to give one missed call to her. That was mainly because I was afraid and thought that I should not annoy her. It scared me that she might not become mine. So I thought it would be better to enjoy these days believing that she would also be in love with me. My entire mind whispered one thing often that,

  “She is playing hide and seek with you, she will come as soon as the game ends”

  It has been so long since I have seen her

  I have even forgotten her face,

  The words she spoke with me,

  But I feel every day as same like

  The days that I have spent with her,

  Because when I think of those days in which

  She was near me, it feels like

  I am living the same day once again

  Though she went far I never miss her

  Because even when I close my eyes before the sleep

  I could feel her in myself….

  All I missed is the chance of missing her.

  Though I haven’t spoken to her much, never have held her in my arms, never have kissed her cheeks, I felt her as my beloved.

  Yes, I was not much worried about missing her but I was worried of another thing. I was worried that she might never know the part she had been playing in my thoughts and dreams. She might never realise the life she was living with me without her knowledge.

  That week ended, I went home and I was waiting at the bus stop to return to my college.

  I got a window-seat in the bus and I thought…

  After I had fallen in love with her

  she had become a part of mine

  And losing her is like losing a part of mine

  Because of that I am living a handicapped life right now

  Thinking of this, causes tears in my eyes

  Yet in the midst of crying arises smile in my lips

  While thinking of the fact that,

  My tear drops mingled with the breeze

  Will reach her heart someday as the air she breath Expressing my untold love towards her

  What would she ever think about me? Would she ever think about me? Did she have anything that would remind me? What would be the things that would bring my picture in her mind? When my picture arises in her mind, would she hold on it for some time? Am I important in her life? Did she like me, dream about me, like to live with me or love me? Or just am I, an acquainted stranger in her life, who is little more than an introduced yet unfamiliar person.

  Sometimes we feel as if we had reached the summit of happiness and at the other times we feel that we had fallen into a huge abyss. These roots of love tree were deeper enough to be seen while its branches are taller enough to be climbed. All we could do was that to stand in the middle and astonish.

  I was very much worried that my love might go unsaid. There is nothing more hurtful in this world when we become aware that our sweet heart had also been in love with us, but by that time, when the life we had chosen forbids embracing each other.

  After returning from my home I said the same to Sakthi.

  Sakthi also feared that his love might go unsaid. He was very much afraid that if he goes on procrastinating to express his love towards her, then some day she might become some other’s possession.

  Discussing that, we went to the temple as our heart started to ache, thinking of those.

  He said to me that in all these days he was feeling as if he was doing something wrong

  “I love her, it wasn’t my fault

  If she doesn’t love me then it wasn’t going to be her fault

  Those weren’t the love’s fault either

  Because to do the fault love is not a commitment

  It is just a happening,

  In the normal life of ourselves

  Making our souls feel as if living beyond the life”

  In the temple, he prayed for a longer time than the usual so I asked him,

  “Are you praying to make your love successful?”

  “Yes, I prayed to make both of our love stories to be successful and give a happy ending to both of our love stories” he retorted to me. After that we went outside to drink tea. When we were drinking tea in the tea shop, the new habit, we started to practise in our Saturdays. Sakthi got a call from his friend and he looked shattered with that call. How couldn’t he be? When the news is, Pavithra is about to marry the one fixed by her parents and her marriage being tomorrow, she looked very happy with it. I consoled him. We both decided to meet her and face whatever come may. But he then suddenly refused me I should not come. I argued against him but he forced me that he was going to deal it personally with her and asked me to stay patient and pray for his happy ending love story.

  And he bade goodbye to me saying that he would be returning with glad news the next day. I wished the same from my heart.

  31.WHERE YOU WENT YOUR MOTHER WAS SEARCHING:

  The whole night I was sleepless thinking about Sakthi’s plight. I called him five times. Two times he had picked up and said he would call me back. I messaged him to call me soon praying everything was fine with him.

  In the next morning I rushed to the beach as soon as I heard the news from my other friends. There was a huge crowd in the beach milling the police men. I went to that place. He laid there still with a letter in his hands. I was dumb folded for a moment. I said to the police men that I was the roommate of him. I went near him and took the letter from his hand. I started reading his letter that he titled as

  ” My last & lost dream” contained the following

  I never thought anything more important than you

  All I thought is to sacrifice my life for your happiness

  Everyone believed this as love but

  I felt this, as something more than that

  I believed nothing could divide us

  Until the day you said no

  I wondered how this could happen to me, but when happened

  My heart cried like the baby who doesn’t know anything

  Since it believed only tears could lessen its weight

  Yet I never blame you for this, how could I

  But if God was in front of me

  I would have pelted the stones at him

  Because all my prayers to him was ignored

  He made me to love you

  Only because one day he wanted to take you away from me

  After you left I went and hugged the oak tree

  In which I had written the names of the both

  Everywhere all my eyes could see

  Is the image of thee

  But my hands couldn’t catch them

  I chased them then, ended to sleep on the beach

  After a few moments I could not believe that

  I realized that I was in a temple

  Surrounded by all our relatives and

  The music of the marriage eve was hitting my ears

  I was sitting there as the groom with the auspicious thread in my hands

  You were there, near me as the bride

  I felt as if I attained the whole world

  I will never open my eyes anymore, because

  I knew if I open my eyes all these things will go

  After reading these pathetic lines, I wailed and moaned for a long time. I took the poison bottle from his hand and kept that inside my pocket. I was angry with God because if he had created everyone to love someone, then he should have given him the person he loves the most. Was God a rude illiterate? Did he not know the value of the book, named love?

  It would be hard for many to believe that people die for love failures that too for one sided love. But one sided love is hardest love of all, here the pain is felt by one and shared by none. Its merely a nightmare that steals our love forever. People die
in love failure because, they lose their meaning to live without their loved ones.

  I could understand what had made him to take a decision like that. He had told me,

  “I can’t shield my heart and try not to love her, when all it comes spontaneous to me after the moment I open my eyes was to think about her and love her. I don’t want to live a false life lying to myself that things are okay. And it’s no problem that I didn’t get her so my life has become something other. Instead of all this, I would not fear to take a journey ahead and see whether I could live with her at least high above in the sky. I may leave her to live a life without me but I wouldn’t live another life without her.”

  Even I do feel like the same without my girl, even I couldn’t live a false lie. It’s better to end my life here than living a meaningless one without the ones we love.

  A rose that blossomed with his girl’s gaze, watered by her thoughts, at last wilted and withered, unknown to the girl herself- the rose was nothing other than his heart.

  I knew if Sakthi had not died this early, he would have become a renowned poet. I always admired his poems and now that, this poem was going to be the last one to be admired. He had gone too far in seeking the place from which his love for his girl had come from. He was no more here to write poems.

  After an hour, his mother and his younger brother arrived there. At that time, he brought his mother and me together to the place where he has gone. He made ourselves to console each other for the grief he had given us to the remembrance that he had gone too far to the place somewhere. Then I went near his mother to be a support for her, she actually fainted at the very moment she saw her knight laying still. After some time when she became normal, she sobbed and mourned continuously making my grief to be cumulatively multiplied in quadruples. At the end of that most painful