In Love : Once & Forever

day, I explained the whole thing to her when she asked me about that.

  She said to me,

  “Last week, Praveen told me that he loves a girl so much and he wanted to be with her till the end of his life. I warned him in that very moment”.

  She cursed the girl he loved and she lamented to me that his love came as the nemesis to him. And when I was about to depart she moaned by holding my arms that,

  “If I had known that these are the things that are going to happen, then I would have never let him go”

  On hearing that, tears ran down my cheeks. I consoled her by saying that I was there for her as the son.

  Three days later, I returned to my home. I cried and told my mother everything about that fatal incident.

  My mother found something unusual in it. She asked,

  “Why was Sakthi idiotic like that? Was she the only girl to him and was all these because of that silly thing?”

  “What was that silly thing you are saying about?” I asked her.

  I understood why parents hate love, because it sometimes took their lovely kids away from them…

  But only I know why Sakthi had done like this. Only people who were in foolish love with someone could understand this. It wasn’t merely his love failure. He had lost the hope to ever be with her again, to ever get a chance to experience what he wanted to. It was that the girl he thought to be carrying his life in her soul had gone with another and he didn’t know what to do on this Earth. It was that he knew he couldn’t be with her anymore and that he didn’t want to be anywhere where he couldn’t remain with her. It wasn’t merely love failure it was actually his life’s failure.

  “Do you love someone? If so, then tell us first, don’t hide anything from us”

  I should have said ‘YES’ to her but I didn’t. Something prevented me. If I had proposed to her then I would have said those to my mother, but I haven’t even proposed her yet. Even she was not aware of the part that she plays in my life. I wished that no one in this world should become aware of my love, if she didn’t. I wished that let my love go untold if it was destined to end as unrequited. Let all believe that I was not experiencing any pain or love. The pain was within me, sleeping inside the blanket of love, I decided. I thought that it wasn’t the right time to explain my love story to my mother.

  Then she asked, “Wasn’t his mother aware that his son is in love with some girl?”

  I was stunned for a moment, “Some mothers don’t, “ I told her desperately.

  “You or he should have said about those things to me… You are still young chicks. You won’t know the life’s ups and downs…”

  “What would you have done if we have told you about that?” I asked her,

  “I would never have let him go down this wrong path,” she answered

  I didn’t know why mother was continuously asking about him. Might because she once offered food to him, in which she also mixed some affection for him. She then felt very sad for his demise and advised me to visit his home often, so that his mother could have some satisfaction by seeing me.

  After that, my mother understood that I was very much worried about that. Then she told me some beautiful stories of my childhood life and made me sleep, making me forget everything. Whenever I was in a foul mood, she would wipe them out with her icy words. Her love was like a rose that gives equal fragrance to the breeze and the storm. She gave her love equally in spite of the mood that I was in.

  32.IN THE MIDST SHE HAPPENED:

  My life was a tranquilising drink,

  She came, shook it, tilted it upside down, and walked away.

  Chaos remained after, and then it was slowly intoxicated.

   

  My life was quite a peaceful flow,

  In the midst she arose, reverted the flow and went

  At last it forgot the place where it ends, it flows and flows.

   

  My life was a beautiful portrait,

  She saw it, added colours to it, left it halfway

  It remained unfinished and incomplete.

   

  My life was a serene pond,

  She passed by, threw a stone in it, and vanished

  Its calm was shattered and it was restless  

  My life was a perfect journey

  In the midst she stood, held my hands, took me to new places and left

  I stood there pathless and perplexed.

   

  My life was good,

  In the midst you happened, changed its meaning, and went

  My life was not the one, which was before,

  If she was not going to be with me forever

  I wish she never happened to me.

  The queer nature of the love lashed the knots of confusions unto my soul. When I hardly realised that my girl might also give the same answer to me like Sakthi’s girl, I wished I had never tasted the intoxicating drink of love.

  It was the end of third year. It had been three months since Sakthi had left the world. Since then, my mind was fully surrounded by the thoughts of him. It was hard when someone who used to wake you up, who talked incessantly, who fought and argued, was suddenly missing. I went to his home once again and returned after seeing his mother and his brother.

  Long after, I went to see our oak tree on the shore. Then I was the only person to etch my footprints over the shore.

  On seeing that tree, I thought,

  “Why did he love a girl like this in his life? Was that to leave his life for her love?”

  If his love for her that at last brought only endless grief to him and others then, what was the meaning of the love he possessed? Love was really a happy thing but he made that a sad one. It made me despise his love.

  After that unforgettable incident, I went to a mood of not thinking about her much. Whenever I thought about her, Sakthi’s mother came in front of me, making me think

  “Will my mother also going to have the same plight as her, if my girl says no to me?”

  I understood that Sathyan’s “Love Logic of God” didn’t work out. If it had then Sakthi should have got her surely. He didn’t, because the amount of love one possesses towards the other could neither be measured nor be compared. There is no greater love or smaller love. Even God wouldn’t be able to gauge the intensity of love one possessing towards the other with another one’s love over the same person.

  33.A DREAM TO COME TRUE IN ANOTHER DREAM:

  Though I tried hard, my peculiar love for her, deeply anchored in my heart refused to move away from me. In a strange manner my love for her increased in the times I tried to wipe it out.

  My girl by coming in another dream of mine confirmed herself of deserving the same love of mine which I had for her before.

  I thought about it on a peaceful day and suddenly realised that I wasn’t even aware of my second valentine’s day in my year i.e. I haven’t even known her birthday. I didn’t know what are all the things she likes, things she hates.

  Those things were just like an enigma compiled with the various mysteries of my own answers. I was very sad about this. I became determined that if I was going to delay my proposal then I might end my life without getting the answers to all those puzzles.

  How could I say that I love her?

  For it had lesser intensity

  I loved her so much

  That no one in the universe has ever made

  Yet I never expressed her

  For I believed you may not be mine

  Days went on I was afraid that my love may go unsaid

  So I decided to make her understand the part she was playing with mine

  And I don't know how that happened

  All of a sudden I proposed her through the mail

  Her silence makes me think of that

  She may never have notic
ed my mail or

  She may be thinking that I may be ok to live with

  I am waiting for her consent as a response and it has been just

  Like waiting for a dream to come true in another dream

  Because I still doubt, do those things were just a dream

  There are more chances that her consent may positive

  Yet I knew it may not, whatever may be

  In this world everyone is loved so crazily by someone

  Though they do not wish or care for them

  And for her let it be me.....

  I would cry even on hearing of the love stories that had a sad ending. How could I survive if my own story was going to have some ending like that? I started to live with that doubt. Every day I opened my mailbox with great hope and determination that

  “Today may be the most beautiful day of life.” But I never got a reply from her so every night I went back to sleep disappointed. I was afraid that I might never get one.

  Before I proposed her, I was ashamed to be a coward but after I proposed her through the mail I believed myself to be the most courageous man in this world. I was not fearful of my placements. Because of my less CGPA and attendance percentage in the college, they told me that,

  “You are not eligible for the placements of the core companies,”

  I really didn’t care or worry about those. An average company came for the placements. Most were nervous and terrified for their placements but I was causal. Because I had undergone many of the bad things and nothing worse was going to happen if I was not going to get a job. Since there were thousands of companies, wouldn’t I get at least one job if I could visit at least ten a week. I entered the interview hall with confidence.

  The interviewer asked about me, and then we both started discussing about my love story. We didn’t know how the discussion on