Soul

  Goose bumps rose on my skin. I would be in awe for eternity. Everything looked and smelled a million times better than home. The sun was golden against my pale skin, dancing in shimmers and making me look fae. I liked it.

  Brendan went over to a willow tree, ducked under the branches, and disappeared. I ran after him, scared of… everything. He had taken a seat on a bench under the tree, but the bench looked alive. He bade me to sit next to him. The look in his eye made me afraid to do anything else, but I was still drawn to his darkness and violence, drawn to the king who could force anyone to obey.

  The wind made the branches sway, and I could hear a babbling brook somewhere nearby, but the lack of noise was the most comforting. I realised it was because I figured I would hear an enemy approach.

  “Are we safe here?” I asked. “Really?”

  He didn’t look at me. “Nobody comes here unless they’re with me. It’s too close to the Hollows and the Nether. It’s my place. Where I used to come sometimes.”

  “Alone?”

  “Not always.”

  We sat in silence until I began to fidget. Being without Realtín and Grim felt odd. I needed to do something, to connect with someone, to be less alone.

  “Thank you,” I said in a quiet voice.

  “Are you hurt?” he asked.

  “I’m fine.”

  “And that man was your father? Your kin?”

  I nodded. “He’s not a very happy man.”

  “He’s a coward.”

  “Maybe. Why are we here, Brendan?”

  “I needed some… time. And we should go over a few rules. I can’t keep running around randomly saving you, Cara. I need you protected until the ceremony. That was our deal, and that means you have to stay with us. It would be truly embarrassing if another human ruined our chances.”

  “My dad wouldn’t do anything to hurt your chances.” I wasn’t entirely sure of that.

  “The fae could make him. You still don’t understand what it is we do, do you? I could make you do anything.”

  “Like what?”

  He gave a tight laugh. “Don’t push your luck. We indulge ourselves on human emotions, Cara. We can provoke and encourage, and it will only get worse without a ruler. There will be no limits. And you… you have something about you, too. Someone with a weak mind could crack in your presence if they have already been pushed to the edge. You must stay with me now. It’s the only way to keep you safe.”

  “I’m not safe with you lot,” I said hotly. “Someone tried to poison me today.”

  He stiffened. “And I haven’t heard this because?”

  “Um, I asked them not to tell you.” I chewed on my nail.

  He shook his head and pulled my hand from my mouth. “That was idiotic. Between you and Drake, this will be the death of me. It was Drake’s anger, you know, and you’re… I couldn’t fight him, and I had to deal with the problem myself. It’s a pivotal point. I can’t let the guards perform the punishments. I have a lot to prove, and you and Drake aren’t making it any easier for me. If my allies turn on me, he will hurt just as much as I do.”

  “It’s not fair,” I said glumly. “He should have a chance to take his body back.”

  “You’re right. It’s not fair. But it’s best for the fae if I’m king.” He looked around. “Time doesn’t change here the way it does where you’re from. The deeper into the realm you go, the more time passes in your world. We age slowly here, but it’s too sheltered for most of us to stay indefinitely. Your world is so much more fun when you’ve had all the fun there is here.”

  “I like the idea of having time to breathe. Why aren’t we allowed to know about this place? How can all of this be here and we never see it?”

  “It’s beyond your limits,” he said. “Humans would destroy the beauty and die from the ugliness, if they could even understand this place at all. This is neutral territory. Farther out, past the meadows, the divide begins. If you go past the hollow hills and enter the marshlands, you’ll end up chasing lights for eternity. And if you happened to step into the Fade…” He shook his head. “Just don’t do that. If I ever bring you here to hide, you stay on this bench. No matter what happens, you don’t move until I come and take your hand. Don’t take mine, don’t stand, don’t come to me. I’ll come to you. Do you understand?”

  “I understand. Relax already.” I leaned down to touch the grass. It felt different from the grass at home. “Are there other humans here?”

  “In this realm? Yes. They’ve been here so long that they can never leave, or they’ll grow old and die instantly. This is the Tír na nÓg of your stories, Cara. It’s a sad existence for a human. Your lives are so short and meaningless, and you never quite know what to do with any extra time.”

  “There you go again.”

  “But yours will have meaning,” he added. “You have a part to play that actually means something.”

  “And when it’s all over, I get to go home and pretend none of this ever happened?”

  He gave me a pointed look, and a shiver ran through me. He was such a dangerous, beautiful creature. The fact I was attracted to his darkness said more about me than it did about his charm.

  He leaned in close, and my heart beat extra fast. “You could stay here as your reward. I would allow one wish if you helped me. But this isn’t a life, not for a human. You would hide here, avoiding death but never really living, not the way you want to, not the way you’re meant to.”

  “I wouldn’t want to live for an eternity. What’s to live for?”

  He rested a hand on my knee. “There’s a lot to live for, child of Ireland. You should know that better than I, you with the miniscule lifespan. But you don’t, or it wouldn’t have been you who witnessed that night. So why does the light keep dying in your eyes?”

  His question threw me so much that a sob caught in my throat. I wasn’t unhappy; I was disinterested. In everything, until Drake. I had woken up that night, every emotion inside me had been awakened, and it had all been because of the fae. My world had come to life.

  “It doesn’t,” I lied.

  Zoe had once drunkenly told me to get away from her because it hurt too much to look at me. People thought of me as miserable and cold. I blocked off my emotions, brick by brick, so it always surprised me when anyone saw past the wall and into the hollow that should have been my heart.

  He touched my cheek and made me look at him. “Doesn’t it?”

  I knew I was being entranced. I stared into his green eyes and felt his magic surround me until there was nothing else in the world. And there wasn’t, not in that place. I could stay and wait and avoid my world, if I wished, and suddenly, that didn’t seem so bad anymore. He could be kind to me, but one day soon, he would grow tired, and I would be forgotten. I wasn’t sure if I would care, but when he touched me, the longing for fae eased just a little.

  He leaned in to steal a kiss, and I knew I was going to let him.

  “Why would a king want to kiss a girl?” I asked as his lips brushed against mine.

  “The king likes to taste the world,” he replied, holding my gaze. “He doesn’t want to keep the girl.”

  I wished for purple but let myself get lost in green, allowing his eyes to swallow me. I let the king taste what he didn’t want to keep because I felt something. Maybe it wasn’t real, but imaginary bliss was far better than none at all. And that was the biggest danger in my life, far more perilous than faery assassins and poisoned food and dickhead fathers.

  His fingers gripped my shoulders hard, and I knew it was Drake, so I pulled him closer and kissed him as if I would never kiss anyone again. Drake kissed me back, and that was all that mattered. We were wrapped up in the madness together.

  “Wait,” he said at last, pulling away.

  I stared up at solid violet eyes. “Hi.”

  “Didn’t you listen to anything I said?”

  “I listened.” I got to my feet and pushed through the willow branches to walk along the
meadow, wishing he would stop trying to ruin everything.

  “Why did you let him kiss you again? Why let him charm you? You knew. I saw it in your eyes, and you still let him. Haven’t I told you how dangerous we are? What we can do? He’ll take your mind, take everything from you until there’s nothing left.”

  “Maybe that’s better than anything else.”

  His expression softened. “I’m sorry about your father. I saw… it’s the first time we’ve both truly agreed on anything, which was probably the most terrifying part of this whole experience.”

  “Don’t talk about him here. Stop ruining it.” I folded my arms and stared at the ever-changing sky. The beauty had been spoiled. I saw everything through different eyes. The place was gaudy rather than pretty, garish rather than soothing. Everything was a cover for something less pleasant. My father’s memory had tainted it. The change left a bad taste in my mouth, and I had to force the tears to stay away.

  “I have to get you out of here,” he said softly, resting his hands on my waist. “The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave.”

  I shoved his hands away and ran. I ran past a stream that didn’t ripple, through a meadow that never ended. He caught up with me, but by then I was crying. I wasn’t even sure why.

  “Stop,” he urged, holding me. “You have to go home. This isn’t the right place for you.”

  I heaved out a breath, trying to break free. He held me tighter, keeping me against his chest, and his touch made me forget to struggle.

  “Why not?” I demanded. “What if this is the most perfect place for me? I hate it back there. No. I don’t even hate it; I just don’t care. I can’t bring myself to feel anything. The only time I feel alive is when I’m terrified, so I get into trouble just to feel something. I don’t need to do that with the fae. I feel everything, all the time, around you.”

  “That’s because we’re trouble all of the time.”

  My chin trembled. “But I so badly want to keep it. Just let me keep it.”

  “Hush,” he said, stroking my hair. “Calm down and listen to me for a minute. At the festival, you were desperate to leave. You wanted to live. What’s changed?”

  “I’ve never lived.” I broke free and sat on the grass, pulling velvety strands loose from the earth. I could live there, but I was afraid I might forget home. Forgetting Darragh was my biggest fear. I pored over photos of him just to keep his features branded in my mind. I was losing his memory, even as I struggled to keep it. If I stayed with the fae, I’d lose Darragh for good. If I didn’t, I’d never truly feel again.

  “Talk to me,” Drake said, sitting next to me.

  “Nothing’s changed,” I said. “I want to live. I want to be happy, but it just doesn’t happen. I don’t know how to feel happiness properly. There’s something wrong with me, something… broken. I just want to know what it’s like. I want to be… like you.”

  He cocked his head to the side. “You are like me. The reason I make him weak is because I’m not pure-blooded fae. My mother was human. I’m more like you than you think. Too different to fit in anywhere, and yet if I wasn’t, I would be just like them and never know any better.”

  I blinked. “You’re half human? But… you got the wings and everything.”

  He laughed softly. “They’re a nuisance. Always getting in the way. Trust me, you don’t want the wings.”

  “But you have the magic and the freedom and the—” I bit down on my words. “And you’re trapped now. I’m so sorry.”

  “Nobody in the world is truly free if you know their story. I’ve come to learn that.”

  He pulled me between his legs, making me lean against his chest so he could wrap his arms around me. He was like a human, except better. He was like a faery, except better. He was like nothing else, and the only slivers of true happiness came when he touched me. The pain of the real world couldn’t hurt me when his skin was against mine. The racing of his heart against my back brought me comfort. I had been with boys before but never out of love. It was the first time I had gotten something good from being so close to a man, and he wasn’t really a man at all.

  “What makes you so unhappy?” His breath tickled the back of my neck.

  Something came over me like a warm, comforting blanket. I felt safe, and the words spewed out before I could stop them. “I’m not unhappy. Not really. I’m just… nothing. That’s my default mode. Nothingness. My mother loves me. I know she does, but sometimes I think she’d be happier if I wasn’t around.”

  I thought of how freely she smiled when my father showed her affection, but once he noticed me there, he usually closed himself off from her and became scowly and mean, as if I brought out the worst in him. Mam would often look at me with sad, loving eyes, and I would feel like the ultimate third wheel, as though I could never belong.

  “Why would you think that?” Drake asked.

  “My father hates me, and all of the aggro between us hurts her. I don’t understand why it happens. I don’t know why he hates me. He loved my brother, and he used to kind of ignore me, but when my brother died, it was like he forgot to hide how much he hated me. When I’m not there, he and Mam are happy, but around me, it’s like everything turns sour. I ruin everything. Maybe I’m unloveable.”

  “Nobody’s unloveable.”

  “My brother acted like he loved me, but he took his own life and left me. He called me Butterfly, and he didn’t care that Dad didn’t like me, but Darragh left me alone. My grandparents acted like they loved me, but after Darragh’s funeral, they had a fight with my dad, and they’ve never been back.”

  “Have you gone to them?”

  “No. I was just a kid. I wasn’t allowed then, but they never came for me, so I just… I suppose I thought they had changed like my father, realised they hated me and didn’t care anymore. Maybe Dad would have left if he had the chance, too.”

  “You could stay with Brendan,” he said. “If being at home is so bad.”

  I turned to look at him. “Why are you agreeing with him all of a sudden?”

  “I didn’t realise how bad your home was for you.”

  “I can’t, because if I go, I might never see Mam again. But I want to go. I want to be with the fae all the time. I want to see you and Brendan and Grim and Realtín every single day.”

  “Why?”

  I barely heard the question. “I can’t help it. When I don’t see you, I can’t concentrate, and when I do, I feel so good that I never want it to stop. I want more and sooner and—” I sat up straight. “Are you doing something to me? Making me talk?”

  His face was sad as I got to my feet. “This is what we are, Cara. If we don’t get our own way, we take it.”

  “That’s not fair, Drake. That was my stuff to tell.”

  “You’re right,” he said, his wings twitching as he rose. “Would you like me to take you home now?”

  I shoved him, my anger burning me from within. “You’re all the same. All of you! Devious bullies. Get me out of here.”

  I seethed, feeling betrayed and wide awake all of a sudden. There were some things I kept hidden, and I hadn’t wanted to say any of the things he had coaxed out of me. I hadn’t wanted to remember the things that might have caused me pain if I let myself feel it. And he had found out the truth—that I was addicted to his touch, to fae magic, addicted to everything he had tried to tell me wasn’t real. He would never believe what I felt was true.

  He led me to the broken wall, keeping a safe distance between us. Tears slid down my cheeks, but as I grew closer to my own world, my barrier solidified again, ready to protect me. When we stepped through, I felt disoriented. My world looked colourless, muted and dull. I checked my watch; only a few minutes had passed.

  “Grim and Realtín are waiting for you back at the college,” Drake said.

  I walked away, refusing to check to see if he followed.

  Grim and Realtín spotted me before I reached them. They rushed to meet me, but their smiles were strai
ned. Most of the students were still standing around, probably talking about my father. I left before anyone could speak to me.

  The fae kept up with me in silence. I realised Grim was carrying my schoolbag and took it from him. I sat at a bus stop and hugged the bag. Realtín sat on my shoulder and stroked my cheek. I stared at a spot on the road as the last sparks of happiness died. The surges of emotion that Brendan and Drake provoked were already weakening. Perhaps I was becoming too used to their presence.

  “If I hadn’t been a witness or a sacrifice,” I said, “if I had just turned up at the festival, what would have happened to me?”

  Grim cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. “One of the fae would have played with you until he grew bored. Then he would have likely tortured you or made you hurt yourself. He may have let you go someday, but it’s more likely you would have died a horrible death.”

  “But why? Why do fae torture humans like that? Or you helping around the house? What do you get out of it? Even Realtín, pulling hair and throwing things. What’s the point?”

  “Humans are full of emotions,” Grim said. “We can make them feel more strongly, which in turn, nourishes us. We feed on the happiness or pain, depending on the fae. Some enjoy anger or sadness, but humans are always some kind of entertainment. Most fae don’t care about death; they just like to feed on the humans’ fear and pain.”

  “What about me? What do I feel?”

  He hesitated, and Realtín’s hand stopped stroking. “Not very much,” he said in a quiet voice. “Most of the time, you feel very little. But when you do feel, it’s powerful, an electric surge that is almost too much to bear. All of the guards are eager to watch over you because they say the rush from you almost dying is so significant. I’m sorry, Cara. It’s… I know we seem like monsters to you.”