Soul

  I shook my head. “It’s fine. I wanted the truth. Most of the time, I only really feel around the fae. I mean, if there’s danger, I feel that, but that night, at the festival, I felt everything for the first time. Not just the danger. I feel like I might fade away when you’re all gone.”

  “You won’t,” Grim said firmly. “You’re just not used to the feelings. Hold on to them, Cara. Don’t let them go. You learned to kill them. Let them survive.”

  I chewed on my nails. “I’m not sure I know how. He makes me feel.”

  “Drake? Or the king?” Realtín asked sharply.

  “Both of them. I don’t know. It’s addictive. My brother was addicted to prescription drugs, and now I’m addicted to magic. How fucked up is that? Sometimes, I think I’ll do anything just to feel for another second, and that scares me, but I can’t keep away. I don’t know that I’ll ever move on from this.”

  “Some fae are more powerful,” Grim said. “Perhaps that’s the difference. And perhaps you should keep your distance from both of them.”

  “Don’t worry about that,” I said. “I’m learning.”

  “Did the king do something?” Realtín asked. “Something to hurt or offend you?”

  “No.” I sighed. “Everything he does is something I want. It was Drake. Drake’s the one who let me down. But he fucked up.”

  The fae both looked confused.

  I tried to explain. “The things he does to hurt me are for the reasons that make me care about him. He tries to protect me in ways that make me angry, but his reasons make me…” I shook my head. “I’m in big trouble this time. I’m falling for someone who shares a body, someone who won’t be around for very long.”

  “Unless you help him survive,” Realtín said slyly. “Unless you make him strong enough to rid himself of Brendan for good.”

  I stared at her, thinking fast. Maybe I could help Drake get his body back after all. Except I wasn’t sure I wanted Brendan to fade away either.

  Chapter Twelve

  When I turned the corner to the road my house was on, my stomach dropped. Mam was standing a few feet away, wringing her hands. When she saw me, she flew at me, her face pale and shimmery.

  “You stupid girl,” she said, but there was no anger in her voice, only fear. “What did you do?”

  I was in no mood to placate her. “Do you ever ask him what he does? He waited outside the college and attacked me in front of everyone. So somebody stopped him. That’s what happened, Mam. That’s what I did. I was a fucking victim, yet again.”

  “He’s going crazy,” she said, bending over as if about to throw up. “He tried to get into your room, but the door is stuck or something, and it’s driving him insane. He started smashing up the place, and I can’t get him to stop. I don’t know what to do, Cara. You’re leaving me with no choice.”

  “What are you on about? Call the police if he’s wrecking the house. What are—”

  “You have to leave,” she whined. “You can’t stay here tonight.”

  “Where am I supposed to go?”

  “Stay with Zoe. She won’t mind. She’ll even lend you clothes. I know she will.”

  “But my stuff is—”

  “I’ll text you when it’s safe to get your things. I had to call his boss to let him know he’s taking vacation days for the rest of the week. I can’t let him go to work in this state. I’ll take him out of the house, help him cool down. You can take what you need when he’s not here, and everything will be okay.”

  “What are… are you kicking me out?”

  She dragged her fingernails down her cheeks. “What am I supposed to do? I can’t keep everyone happy. I tried, and I tried, but it doesn’t work. It gets worse. I’ve ruined everything, but I can’t change the past, so you have to go.”

  “Mam,” I whispered, feeling that chill in the pit of my stomach. If I left, it would be for good. Nobody came back in our family. Once they left, it meant forever. I knew that was what she was telling me, but I couldn’t believe it. Not at all. “Please, Mam. Kick him out. We’ll be happy. You and me. He’s the one who’s made us miserable.”

  “I’m not miserable with him! He makes me happy, but you… he said he wouldn’t be able to deal with it, but I didn’t believe him, and I forced him. I forced him to watch me love you. It was a mistake. It was all such a mistake, but I couldn’t face the alternative.”

  “I don’t… I don’t understand.”

  “I’m afraid of what will happen if you stay, Cara! I’m so afraid. I don’t have any other options.”

  I stared at her in disbelief. “You have plenty of options. You could be a mother to me, be there for me the way you’re supposed to. You never… between the two of you… why are you doing this to me? What have I done? He’s picked on me my entire life, and I have no idea why. Yet you take his side, each and every time. I was the child, Mam. Me. Not him. I needed you. Not him. Why couldn’t you pick me? Just once?”

  “I chose you when it made all of the difference! And it’s gotten me nothing but grief. He needs me more than you know. You don’t understand what it’s been like for him to—”

  I took a step back. “You’re right. I don’t understand. Not you, not my grandparents, not Darragh, not him. I don’t understand why none of you stuck by me when I needed you. I don’t understand what I did to be undeserving of your love. I don’t know why you all think it’s okay to treat anyone this way, never mind family. It’s on days like this that I don’t blame Darragh for what he did.” I walked away.

  “Cara,” she called. I looked back to see tears streaming down her cheeks. “I don’t want this. I don’t want to lose you, too.”

  “Then get rid of him!”

  “I can’t watch him then. If you go, I can keep him away from you. I can stop it from getting out of control again. But you can’t be together. I’m too scared of what will happen. It’s getting worse all of the time, and I—”

  “Whatever makes you feel better.” I turned and left her there.

  “I’ll text you!”

  I didn’t look back and let out shuddering breaths as I turned back around that corner. I kept walking even as Grim and Realtín called my name. They caught up with me.

  “Did you lock my bedroom door?” I asked.

  “Grim thought it would be best if—”

  “Thanks. You should probably tell Brendan that I’m staying with Zoe. I mean, I have to ask, but… yeah, just tell him I’ll be at Zoe’s.” I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled my best friend’s number. She answered immediately, and I knew she had been waiting for me to call.

  “Can I stay at your place tonight?” I asked.

  “Yeah, of course. Good idea.”

  “Not really my choice,” I said. “Mam kind of kicked me out.”

  Pause. “What a fucking idiot of a woman.”

  “He’s her husband,” I said automatically. “And I’ll be moving out soon, so best choice for everyone, right?”

  “Oh, Cara. Are you coming over right now?”

  “Yeah, but I’ve no stuff with me. Just my schoolbag and what I’m wearing. Oh, shit, you had plans with Darren.”

  “Don’t worry about any of that. Just come over. Mam has dinner on. You’ll feel better after you have something to eat and a nice bath.”

  “Thanks. I mean that, Zoe.” I hung up and kept walking, but with purpose. “I’ll stay with Zoe for a few nights,” I told my fae friends. “Then I’ll look for somewhere else. Maybe I’ll go fulltime at the supermarket.”

  “You could stay with us,” Realtín said. “You saw the room the king let you use. That could be yours for as long as you want. Then you’d be so safe.”

  “I’m fine now,” I said. “You don’t understand, Realtín. I lose myself with so many fae around me. I forget how to be normal.” I heaved a sigh. “Besides, I really don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be under the same roof as Brendan and Drake. Or Sorcha, for that matter.”

  “Do you love hi
m?” Realtín asked bluntly. “Is that why he’s so strong? Because of love?”

  “It’s not love.”

  She gave me a knowing grin. “Not yet?”

  “Don’t encourage her,” Grim said. “Cara, the king is not… he’s not the right fae to fall for, and Drake is fading. It’s slow, but it’s happening. By Imbolc, he’ll be gone. Do you really want to care about someone only to lose him?”

  “Grim, I wouldn’t know what to do if a person I loved actually stuck around. And you two have to play nice at Zoe’s house. She’s good to me. Be good to her.”

  Realtín stuck out her tongue, which I hoped meant yes. Realtín sent an invisible guard back to let Brendan know of our change in plans. I wanted to see Brendan again, but I really didn’t want to see him again. Whether it was his royal power or something to do with Drake, I lost myself around the pair of them, and I wasn’t exactly known for making good decisions at the best of times.

  Zoe was waiting in her front garden when I arrived. “I’m so sorry.” She threw her arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. “I’m such a fucking coward. I just stood there and let him go after you. I was probably in shock or something. You should have seen his face, Cara. He looked like he wanted to beat you to death. I was really scared for you.”

  “I bet the entire world knows by now.”

  She pulled back to grin at me. “Pretty much. But the general consensus is poor Cara for having such a shitty father. How are you feeling?”

  “Shell-shocked. Everything just spiralled out of control really quickly. I don’t know what happened.”

  “And you can’t go home?”

  I shook my head. “I know it sounds childish to be so upset about it, but I don’t know what to do next. He’s been so controlling all of my life, and now I’m free, but I’d give anything to go back. What’s wrong with me, Zoe?”

  “Not a thing,” she said firmly. “Come on inside, and we’ll chat about it.”

  “Sure your mam won’t mind me staying?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Any chance to act the hostess. She has dinner ready for us.”

  Inside, Zoe’s mam made a fuss over me. I sat at her perfect kitchen table and tucked into the dinner she had made.

  “Mam, Cara needs to speak to me in private, okay?”

  Zoe’s mother bowed out of the room, even closing the door after herself.

  Zoe shook her head. “That was easier than expected. So don’t worry. We’ll finish dinner, watch some soaps, and you can have a long bubble bath if you want. I have some ice cream in the freezer and an emergency family-sized chocolate bar, so we’re covered.” She squeezed my hand. “I need my bestie to be okay.”

  “You’re insane,” I said, but I was seriously grateful for her.

  Realtín flew around the room in curious mode, while Grim sat at the table. It was strange that Zoe couldn’t see them. The two parts of my world kept colliding, but they might as well have been miles apart.

  “It was crazy, though,” Zoe said, “how your dad reacted. What was it all over?”

  I shrugged. “He’s been mental lately. He said I had someone in the house. I wasn’t even there. No idea what he was on about. I don’t care, either. Can I stay for a few days? I know I need to sort out something permanent, but—”

  “Stay as long as you need. Maybe your mam will calm your dad down, though. We’ll figure something out. So… about Drake…”

  “Yeah.” I dropped my fork on the plate, my stomach turning. “Drake.”

  “Honestly, Cara, I was more scared of him than your dad. I mean, he came out of nowhere and just laid into the man. I was cheering inside—don’t get me wrong—but when you walked off with him, I kind of felt a little bit sick. He’s not the most stable of people, judging by that performance. I mean, I know Darren acts the idiot sometimes with drink on him, but Drake was stone-cold sober, and he didn’t even shout or… I mean, it looked like something he does on a daily basis. Like it was nothing to him.”

  I shrugged. “He was pissed about Dad. I dunno, maybe he just shows his anger in a different way.”

  “I can’t believe your dad tried to hurt you. He stomped on your leg when you walked away. That must have hurt.”

  “It’s nothing. Not really.”

  She sighed. “I knew things were bad your way, but I kinda hoped you were exaggerating. I didn’t realise he was so physical.”

  I gave a shaky laugh. “He must have been having a bad day.”

  “Maybe your boy was having a bad day, too. For barely friends, he was extremely angry that you got knocked to the ground.”

  I pressed my lips together, trying to come up with words that would give nothing away. “He’s protective. That’s all. And yes, we’re barely friends. I know I had plans with you, so I’m sorry for walking off with him, but I think both of us needed that time out from everything. If I had waited for you, everyone would have mobbed us.”

  She nodded. “You’re right. They mobbed me as it was. They all want to know about Drake more than your dad, though.” The alarm beeped on her phone. She made a face. “Pill time.” She went to the counter and rummaged through her handbag. “Maybe you should get a prescription, too, eh?”

  I knew she was fishing for information. “They make me sick.”

  “So?”

  “So they don’t work if you throw up straight after taking them!”

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “Hmm. Does Drake know you’re not on the pill?”

  I rolled my eyes. “It’s none of his business, Zoe. Or yours, for that matter.”

  She swallowed the tiny tablet and took a seat next to me. “Just be careful, okay? So what happened exactly when you went home?”

  I ran my hands through my hair and sat back in the chair, my appetite gone. “Mam was waiting for me on the road. She was in bits. I was mad at her, but I feel sorry for her now. She has to live with him when he’s like that.”

  “Would he ever hit her?”

  I shook my head. “Never.”

  “Do you not think you should talk to the police about today? I mean, you have dozens of witnesses. It might get him to see that he’s in the wrong.”

  “That would just make things worse for Mam. No matter what, I don’t want her to suffer because of me. She was in an awful state when I saw her, rambling away. She asked me to stay elsewhere. She said I can’t come back. I couldn’t get my stuff because Dad was busy trying to break into my room to wreck my shit. He took his temper out on the house, basically. So, yeah, it was goodbye from her. She said she’d text me when it was safe for me to get my stuff.”

  “That’s it? Just get your things and go? No, how do we fix this mess?”

  I shrugged. “You don’t know what it’s like. When he acts like that, she plays nice and does what she can to distract him. This time, it went too far. He’s her priority, whether I like it or not, and I have to just deal with it. Besides, it’s about time I moved out anyway.”

  “I kind of hate your parents right now. I know I bitch about mine, but I’d rather the suffocating mother than the kind who acts like she doesn’t give a shit. I’m so sorry for you, Cara.”

  “I’m fine.” And I was. My walls had been rebuilt, sturdier. I wouldn’t let anything touch me. The things that happened were something to do with a different Cara, one I couldn’t feel. I protected myself the best way I knew how.

  “She’s wrong,” Grim said quietly. “Your mother cares just as much as hers. She shows it in different ways, but nobody is perfect. We all do the best we can.”

  I tried not to look at him, but it was hard when he spoke like that. I wanted to believe, wanted the words to reach through the cracks in my walls and hit me right in the heart. But I didn’t think I had a heart anymore; if I did, it was shrivelled and cracked with lack of use.

  After we finished dinner and destroyed the chocolate, Zoe ran me a bath, telling me to relax for as long as I needed. I wallowed in the water, trying to come up with decisions, to figure out my life
. I had no family to speak of, nowhere to live, and I had to survive probable attempts on my life for almost three more weeks. After that, the fae would be done with me, and that would leave me with no protection.

  But of everything that had happened, what played on my mind the most were kisses and willow trees. I didn’t know why Brendan had kissed me, and I didn’t care because it led to kisses with Drake. But Drake had made it clear that he wasn’t interested in anything else. Not that he would be around for anything else. Once Brendan regained his full powers, Drake would be gone. Unless I helped him.

  Realtín’s hints were full of self-interest. If Brendan was gone, she and Grim would be free. But if Brendan was gone, then Drake could end up as king in his place, and I didn’t get the sense that he was in the least bit interested in that. He had one thing on his mind: revenge.

  I had a niggling feeling that the loss of Brendan’s soul would hurt me almost as much as the loss of Drake’s. I wished I knew more about both of them, but at the same time, I knew I should avoid them. Drake was destined to fade, and Brendan didn’t care about anyone but himself. I had no future with either of them.

  I got out of the bath and stared at my eyes in the mirror, trying to figure out if my pupils were larger than normal, if that was why my father hated them. They looked ordinary to me. Figuring out his reasons for hating me would have to wait another day.

  When I left the bathroom, Zoe and her mother were already asleep, so I sat at the kitchen table with Grim and Realtín.

  “We can get your things tomorrow if you need our help,” Grim said. “The door is protected, so nobody apart from you or us can enter. I’m sorry if that caused another problem with your family.”

  “The problems existed long before you arrived,” I said. “What can I do to help Drake? Theoretically speaking. I know you have to be loyal to Brendan. But is there a way to help Drake?”

  “You could ask a higher power for help, but you would need to give something in return, and I don’t believe your soul is worth this favour,” Grim said.

  “She can make Drake stronger than Brendan,” Realtín said.