The Works of Henry Fielding, vol. 11

  Chapter vii.

  _The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium._

  I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of thosewho endeavoured to pass. The first, among other pretensions, set forththat he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos answered,"Ostentation," and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he hadconstantly frequented his church, been a rigid observer of fast-days: helikewise represented the great animosity he had shewn to vice in others,which never escaped his severest censure; and as to his own behaviour,he had never been once guilty of whoring, drinking, gluttony, or anyother excess. He said he had disinherited his son for getting a bastard."Have you so?" said Minos; "then pray return into the other world andbeget another; for such an unnatural rascal shall never pass this gate."A dozen others, who had advanced with very confident countenances,seeing him rejected, turned about of their own accord, declaring, if hecould not pass, they had no expectation, and accordingly they followedhim back to earth; which was the fate of all who were repulsed, theybeing obliged to take a further purification, unless those who wereguilty of some very heinous crimes, who were hustled in at a littleback gate, whence they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit.

  The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good nor evilin the world; for that since his arrival at man's estate he had spenthis whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly in the studyof butterflies, of which he had collected an immense number. Minos madehim no answer, but with great scorn pushed him back.

  There now advanced a very beautiful spirit indeed. She began to ogleMinos the moment she saw him. She said she hoped there was some merit inrefusing a great number of lovers, and dying a maid, though she had hadthe choice of a hundred. Minos told her she had not refused enow yet,and turned her back.

  She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his workswould speak for him. "What works?" answered Minos. "My dramatic works,"replied the other, "which have done so much good in recommending virtueand punishing vice." "Very well," said the judge; "if you please tostand by, the first person who passes the gate by your means shall carryyou in with him; but, if you will take my advice, I think, forexpedition sake, you had better return, and live another life uponearth." The bard grumbled at this, and replied that, besides hispoetical works, he had done some other good things: for that he had oncelent the whole profits of a benefit-night to a friend, and by that meanshad saved him and his family from destruction. Upon this the gate flewopen, and Minos desired him to walk in, telling him, if he had mentionedthis at first, he might have spared the remembrance of his plays. Thepoet answered, he believed, if Minos had read his works, he would set ahigher value on them. He was then beginning to repeat, but Minos pushedhim forward, and, turning his back to him, applied himself to the nextpassenger, a very genteel spirit, who made a very low bow to Minos, andthen threw himself into an erect attitude, and imitated the motion oftaking snuff with his right hand. Minos asked him what he had to say forhimself. He answered, he would dance a minuet with any spirit inElysium: that he could likewise perform all his other exercises verywell, and hoped he had in his life deserved the character of a perfectfine gentleman. Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world ofso fine a gentleman, and therefore desired him to take the other trip.The beau bowed, thanked the judge, and said he desired no better.Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his satisfaction;but we were afterwards informed he had not taken the emetic abovementioned.

  A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards, whose face I thought I hadformerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertained Minos with a longharangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and then proceeded toinform him how much he was worth, without attempting to produce a singleinstance of any one good action. Minos stopt the career of hisdiscourse, and acquainted him he must take a trip back again. "What! toS---- house?" said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the judge, withoutmaking him any answer, turned to another, who, with a very solemn airand great dignity, acquainted him he was a duke. "To the right-about, MrDuke," cried Minos, "you are infinitely too great a man for Elysium;"and then, giving him a kick on the b--- ch, he addressed himself to aspirit who, with fear and trembling, begged he might not go to thebottomless pit: he said he hoped Minos would consider that, though hehad gone astray, he had suffered for it--that it was necessity whichdrove him to the robbery of eighteenpence, which he had committed, andfor which he was hanged--that he had done some good actions in hislife--that he had supported an aged parent with his labour--that he hadbeen a very tender husband and a kind father--and that he had ruinedhimself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate opened,and Minos bid him enter, giving him a slap on the back as he passed byhim.

  A great number of spirits now came forwards, who all declared they hadthe same claim, and that the captain should speak for them. Heacquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service oftheir country. Minos was going to admit them, but had the curiosity toask who had been the invader, in order, as he said, to prepare the backgate for him. The captain answered they had been the invadersthemselves--that they had entered the enemy's country, and burnt andplundered several cities. "And for what reason?" said Minos. "By thecommand of him who paid us," said the captain; "that is the reason of asoldier. We are to execute whatever we are commanded, or we should be adisgrace to the army, and very little deserve our pay." "You are bravefellows indeed," said Minos; "but be pleased to face about, and obey mycommand for once, in returning back to the other world: for what shouldsuch fellows as you do where there are no cities to be burnt, nor peopleto be destroyed? But let me advise you to have a stricter regard totruth for the future, and not call the depopulating other countries theservice of your own." The captain answered in a rage, "D--n me! do yougive me the lie?" and was going to take Minos by the nose, had not hisguards prevented him, and immediately turned him and all his followersback the same road they came.

  Four spirits informed the judge that they had been starved to deaththrough poverty--being the father, mother, and two children; that theyhad been honest and as industrious as possible, till sickness hadprevented the man from labour. "All that is very true," cried a gravespirit who stood by. "I know the fact; for these poor people were undermy cure." "You was, I suppose, the parson of the parish," cries Minos;"I hope you had a good living, sir." "That was but a small one," repliedthe spirit; "but I had another a little better."--"Very well," saidMinos; "let the poor people pass." At which the parson was steppingforwards with a stately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of himand pulled him back, saying, "Not so fast, doctor--you must take onestep more into the other world first; for no man enters that gatewithout charity."

  A very stately figure now presented himself, and, informing Minos he wasa patriot, began a very florid harangue on public virtue and theliberties of his country. Upon which Minos shewed him the utmostrespect, and ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was notcontented with this applause; he said he had behaved as well in place ashe had done in the opposition; and that, though he was now obliged toembrace the court measures, yet he had behaved very honestly to hisfriends, and brought as many in as was possible. "Hold a moment," saysMinos: "on second consideration, Mr Patriot, I think a man of your greatvirtue and abilities will be so much missed by your country, that, if Imight advise you, you should take a journey back again. I am sure youwill not decline it; for I am certain you will, with great readiness,sacrifice your own happiness to the public good." The patriot smiled,and told Minos he believed he was in jest; and was offering to enterthe gate, but the judge laid fast hold of him and insisted on hisreturn, which the patriot still declining, he at last ordered his guardsto seize him and conduct him back.

  A spirit now advanced, and the gate was immediately thrown open to himbefore he had spoken a word. I heard some whisper, "That is our lastlord mayor."

  It now came to our company's turn. The fair spirit which I mentionedwith so much applause in the beginni
ng of my journey passed through veryeasily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearance, Minosdeclaring there was not a single prude in Elysium.

  The judge then addressed himself to me, who little expected to pass thisfiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself very freely with wine andwomen in my youth, but had never done an injury to any man living, noravoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to very littlevirtue more than general philanthropy and private friendship. I wasproceeding, when Minos bid me enter the gate, and not indulge myselfwith trumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with mylovely companion, and, embracing her with vast eagerness, but spiritualinnocence, she returned my embrace in the same manner, and we bothcongratulated ourselves on our arrival in this happy region, whosebeauty no painting of the imagination can describe.

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