Confessions of a Grasshopper
Cut to: Biology lab. FLORABELLE is sitting on a chair munching on corn from a can of Jolly Green Giant.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
A truly astounding mutation, Fairweather. Why, it’s almost human.
FLORABELLE chokes on her corn.
BILL
Now if we could just get the damn thing to talk!
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Whether it talks or not is immaterial; you have made a startling discovery. This creature will make me famous.
BILL
And make me rich!
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Rich? What exactly do you mean, Fairweather?
BILL
What do you think I mean? I’m gonna take this thing all round the world – Las Vegas, TV talk shows, movies, whatever. I’ll be rich and famous.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Oh, no, no, no. We can’t do anything like that. This is not a sideshow freak! This is scientific treasure. We must keep it in a controlled environment for study, analysis, research. Dead or alive, this species has significant value. It’s DNA guarantees perpetual existence. Don’t you understand what this means?
BILL
No! It’s mine and I’m gonna make money with it. Lots of money.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
I can’t let you do that, Fairweather. After all, it was my money that financed your little expedition.
BILL
Yeah? Well, I’ll pay you back – triple! Don’t try to stop me from takin’ it! I’m warnin’ ya, Prof - don’t try to stop me. … You can clone it later, I promise. For now, this thing is my money pot.
Cut to: TAXI on Manhattan street. All passersby turn to look at CAB DRIVER who is still wearing the grasshopper mask. Many wave, laugh. At a stop light, a dozen people rush up to the cab to peer in the window.
CAB DRIVER
Hey, this grasshopper mask is gonna be great for business. If I make more money I’ll donate it to underprivileged kids!
Ahead we see a Bloomingdale’s store.
IRVING
Driver! Would you please let us out at that large store ahead?
IRVING (Cont’d) (To AUNT LULU)
It’s Bloomingdale’s! We may be able to learn something of Florabelle’s whereabouts there.
CAB DRIVER pulls up in front of Bloomingdale’s. CAB DRIVER jumps out and opens the rear door for AUNT LULU and IRVING.
CAB DRIVER
No change, folks. And have a friendly day.
IRVING and AUNT LULU walk into Bloomingdale’s; IRVING carrying some grasshopper masks, AUNT LULU carrying the two cans of Coke.
Cut to: Interior Bloomingdale’s as IRVING and AUNT LULU walk slowly down the main aisle, everyone nearby looks at them. Their expressions of surprise quickly turn to grins of delight. A SALESGIRL dashes out from behind her counter to talk to them.
SALESGIRL
Hi, folks. Or should I say, Hi Grasshoppers! Can I help you?
IRVING
We would like to speak to the owner, if we may.
SALESGIRL
How about Mr. SMITH? He’s a Vice President and he’s right over there.
SALESGIRL points over the heads of the collecting crowd.
SALESGIRL (Cont’d)
Just a sec – I’ll go get him.
SALESGIRL weaves her way through the crowd as people edge closer to IRVING and AUNT LULU, reaching out, touching them.
AUNT LULU
I think I’m going to throw up.
IRVING
In that case, would you mind turning your head just a little?
AUNT LULU
Even when I close my eyes, I can still smell them.
IRVING
Try to control yourself, Lulu – for Florabelle’s sake. It’s just possible that some of these people-creatures might not find grasshopper vomit to be especially pleasant.
SALESGIRL returns with MR. HENDERSIN in tow.
MR. SMITH
You two are a disruptive influence. I’m going to have to ask you to leave at once.
IRVING
We just wanted to –
MR. SMITH
Those … those ridiculous costumes are not sold by Bloomingdale’s so you have no business at all being in here!
IRVING
We just want to –
MR. SMITH
We have our standard – not some sleazy little Halloween shop. If you don’t leave at once, I shall call security!
IRVING
We just want to –
MR. SMITH
The very idea! Grown people traipsing about in children’s costumes. It’s disgusting! Where is your dignity?
IRVING
We have inner dignity – and that is why we can never be embarrassed.
IRVING (Cont’d)(Soothing, gently.)
Let me show you …
IRVING holds up a grasshopper mask. Moves it slowly toward MR. SMITH’s face. MR. SMITH seems paralyzed. IRVING places the mask on MR. SMITH’s head.
MR. SMITH
Wow! Good grasshoppers! I feel great!
MR. SMITH (To SALESGIRL)
Did I ever show you I do the can-can?
MR. SMITH begins an exaggerated and nonsensical version of the can-can, kicking his legs wildly in the air, laughing uproariously.
IRVING (Trying desperately to get his attention.)
We’re looking for … for an associate of ours. She’s a member of our grasshopper costume.
Sales force and she’s wearing a costume just like we are – but she’s a lost.
MR. SMITH (HE stops dancing, breathing heavily.)
I’ll help you. Anything. Say, I have an idea. I’ll get you on the New York City talk show. Everybody watches it; somebody’s bound to call the show.
IRVING
Oh, that’s very, very nice of you.
MR. SMITH
Well, of course! I’m a nice person. I enjoy doing nice things. It’s nice to be nice.
IRVING
Keep the grasshopper mask as a gift.
MR. SMITH
I love it. Allow us to buy ten gross. Please! I beg you.
IRVING
How could I refuse such a nice request! I will have twenty-four dozen at your store within the hour. The balance of the order I will have shipped within a month.
MR. SMITH
Very, very good, and kind of you.
IRVING (Aside to AUNT LULU)
You see what a masterful salesgrasshopper I must be.
AUNT LULU
If I weren’t so nauseated I would cheer for you. My super sales skipper, yes you are.
IRVING
Drink the liquid the nice man gave you. It will make you feel better.
IRVING takes the two cans of Coke from AUNT LULU, struggles to open them. SALEGIRL pops the cans open for him. MR. HUNDERSON has climbed upon a counter and is doing his dance again, much to the delight of the crowd. AUNT LULU sips a drink from a can.
AUNT LULU
It isn’t water.
IRVING (Tasting his Coke.)
It is definitely not water!
AUNT LULU
It has a zestful bouquet.
IRVING
An almost arrogant flavor, bold yet enticing.
AUNT LULU
Sparkling and saucy.
IRVING
I think people-creatures should patent this drink. It could become very popular.
Cut to: Biology lab. BILL is standing in front of FLORABELLE. SHE is sitting listlessly in the chair. PROFESSOR MARTIN is making notes on a pad.
BILL
Talk, damn you.
FLORABELLE looks up at BILL and makes a very unpleasant gagging sound.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Are you quite certain you heard it talk, Fairweather?
BILL
You’re damn right I heard it talk. I carried on a conversation with it. It’s just being stubborn. Ask Mary, she heard them talk too! This one is just stubborn.
BILL slaps FLORABELLE’s face.
 
; BILL (Cont’d)
I said talk, you miserable, stinking bug!
A tear creeps from FLORABELLE’S eye.
Cut to: Studio B, major New York City television broadcasting station.
CU of smiling Talk Show HOST.
HOST
You’re not going to believe my next guests. Are you ready for this? Irving and Aunt Lulu – the giant grasshoppers.
IRVING and AUNT LULU walk out on stage, squinting into the lights.
HOST
Now you’ve got to let me in on something. Are you two people in grasshopper costume – or are you grasshoppers in grasshopper costumes? Or are you people pretending to be grasshoppers that are wearing grasshopper costumes? I’m confused.
IRVING
We’re just plain, ordinary grasshoppers.
HOST
For grasshoppers, you’re a little big for your size, aren’t you? I wouldn’t call you an ordinary grasshopper.
IRVING
Well, I am a few pounds overweight.
AUNT LULU
And I’ve lost six pounds in a count of all this!
IRVING
She’s been throwing up a lot lately.
HOST
I’m sorry to hear that. Have you been sick? I guess you have been sick or you wouldn’t have been throwing up, would you? All right now, tell our wide audience your story.
IRVING
Ugly things make her nauseated.
HOST
Like what kind of ugly things?
IRVING
Oh, like you, for example.
HOST
Thanks a lot.
IRVING
So we brought a grasshopper mask for you to put on.
Before HOST can respond, IRVING slips a grasshopper mask to HOST’s head. HOST turns his head this way and that, looks at monitor.
HOST
What about it folks? Do you think I look better as a grasshopper?
Audience cheers, applauds, whistles, roars.
HOST (Cont’d)
Why do I suddenly feel so … warm and nice?
IRVING
It’s the antennas, Mr. Host. You’ve become tuned-in to Grassalot!
HOST
Grassalot, you say Grassalot?
IRVING
It’s a most pleasant spot.
HOST
I’ll bet it is! I’ve never felt so warm-hearted and full of kindness and goodwill in my life. It’s great!
AUNT LULU
And you’re very beautiful now.
HOST
Okay! Our audience approves. Now listen, I understand you folks are looking for a fellow … a fellow grasshopper. Is that right?
IRVING
Yes. Her name is Florabelle and she must be very frightened.
HOST
That’s a first – an all points bulletin to locate a grasshopper. Why not! We don’t want Florabelle to be frightened, now do we, folks? So if any of you good people out there see a big grasshopper named Florabelle, be sure to call this station right away. Ask for me! In fact, you can even call me at home anytime. Call at 212-555-3290. Find Florabelle! Call me.
Cut to: Biology lab. FLORABELLE is tied to a long lab table. BILL hovers over her while PROFESSOR MARTIN examines her feet.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Fairweather, this is a true plant eating orthopterous insect of the suborder Saltatoria. Do you realize what this will do for Dr. Schicklegruber’s reputation? Do you realize what it will do for my reputation? Do you realize this is the greatest scientific find since the Java Man!
BILL
Java Man was a fossil … and this thing will be, too, if we don’t get some food into it.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Perhaps you shouldn’t have hit it quite so hard. At any rate, we can try feeding it intravenously.
Cut to: Meeting room at Grassalot. All the GRASSHOPPERS are sitting at the long table.
DUFFY
There’s no word from Farmer Gary yet.
LOCKJAW
Which means Irving and Aunt Lulu haven’t telephoned him.
ZED
Which means we still have to worry about Florabelle, and even Lulu and Irving.
PAPPA FRED
I say we worry first, then we eat.
LOCKJAW
I say we vote on it.
PAPPA FRED
I vote no.
LOCKJAW
So do I.
ZED
I vote aye and the ayes have it.
POPPA FRED
How can the ayes have it? There was two no’s and just one aye.
ZED
Because my eyes are bigger then your nose.
POPPA FRED
Makes sense to me.
DUFFY
None of you even knew what you were voting on.
ZED
Since when did that matter?
DUFFY
We’ll worry for an hour. Then we’ll eat. Then we’ll worry some more. Then we’ll eat some more. Then we’ll worry some more …
Scene fades, fades in on: IRVING and AUNT LULU driving Volkswagen and trailer on interstate. Overhead sign says: RUTHERFORD NJ NEXT EXIT.
IRVING
It was very nice of that people-creature to telephone Mr. Host and tell us where Florabelle is.
AUNT LULU
But what is a ‘college”?
IRVING
It’s a place where people-creatures go to leaner something about life.
AUNT LULU
And what do they learn about life?
IRVING
Not much of everything, judging from the way they behave.
AUNT LULU
I think they should pick more daisies.
Cut to: Volkswagen turning off on exit ramp.
Cut to: Volkswagen driving down the college business district near downtown. IRVING stops for a traffic light, calls to a young man crossing the street.
IRVING
Young man! Hello there, young people. Can you direct us to the Biology Building?
YOUNG MAN comes over to IRVING’s car window, peers in.
YOUNG MAN
Ah, what’s this? I saw you two on TV. So these are the grasshopper suits. Sharp stuff!
IRVING
Yes, but …
YOUNG MAN
Hey everybody, come look! Here are the grasshoppers.
People seem to come from everywhere and congregate around the Volkswagen. Nearly all are college students and all are clamoring for grasshopper costumes.
IRVING
We don’t have time …
Everybody begins shouting “We want a grasshopper costume. We want to be a grasshopper!” IRVING has no choice but to get out of the car and begin dispensing costumes from the back of the trailer. AUNT LULU stays in the car, gagging. IRVING doesn’t have time to count the money that is thrust into his hands.
Cut to: Interior of empty trailer. Dozens of the college kids have already put their costumes on. A TV news van pulls up and a young woman jumps out of the van and is immediately joined by a long-haired young man carrying a large digital camera. The young woman pushes her way through the crowd and gets close to IRVING.
YOUNG WOMAN
And so the grasshopper costume fad that is sweeping through New York has reached Rutherford, New Jersey, with overwhelming impact. Over two hundred people –mostly college students – surround me and nearly all of them are wearing grasshopper costumes. It would appear all of these people are reaching out – not just for something different in their lives – but also for something better.
To IRVING
Sir – sir, you’re the costume salesman, aren’t you?
IRVING
No – I’m the costume salesgrasshopper.
YOUNG WOMAN
Several people in New York have been quoted as saying these grasshopper costumes seem to make them feel kindlier. How do you explain that?
IRVING
It’s very difficult … r />
YOUNG WOMAN
I suppose it’s a little like the grumpy man who puts on a Santa Claus costume and when he’s surrounded by little children, he suddenly is transformed into a kindly, warn-hearted human being.
IRVING
Yes. That’s it. Almost …
YOUNG WOMAN
Do you realize you are starting a fad that seems certain to overshadow the famous hula-hoop craze?
IRVING
If more people-creatures wore grasshopper costumes, there would be less ugliness in the world. Maybe … maybe I should send the president one, he sure lost his way.
AUNT LULU
Absolutely.
Cut to: Biology Lab. FLORABELLE is still on the long lab table. PROFESSOR MARTIN is walking toward the door.
BILL
Hey! Where ya goin’?
PROFESSOR MARTIN
I must telephone my colleagues. A scientific find of this magnitude can no longer be kept secret! The world must know of this creature – which I have decided to name “Schicklegruber Saltatoria”. What a perfect name. Oh my, yes!
BILL
Oh no! I don’t want a bunch of crazy scientists pawing my prize. I want everybody to pay big money to see it.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Nonsense, Fairweather! Our first obligation is to science.
PROFESSOR MARTIN darts out of the lab and goes down the hall to his office. BILL runs after him.
Cut to: Interior of MARTIN’s office. PROFESSOR MARTIN is reaching for a telephone. BILL grabs him roughly and pulls him back.
BILL
You crazy old fool. You’ll spoil everything.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Let go of me at once, Fairweather.
BILL
You’re not gonna call anyone.
PROFESSOR MARTIN
Wrong! I’m Professor Martin, and you … you are only a student. I know best.
PROFESSOR MARTIN struggles free from BILL, picks up the phone. BILL knocks it out of his hand.
PROFESSOR MARTIN (Cont’d)
This is too important. You’re not going to stop me. Don’t you understand?
BILL
The hell I can’t.
BILL picks up a large paperweight from PROFESSOR MARTIN’s desk and hits PROFESSOR MARTIN on the head with it. PROFESSOR MARTIN slumps to the floor. BILL drags HIM in a closet and locks the door.
BILL (Cont’d)
I warned you.
BILL starts back for the lab as MARY rushes down the hall toward him.
MARY
Bill! They say we’re kidnappers.
BILL
What are you talking about?
MARY
That grasshopper thing. They say it’s a person wearing a costume.
BILL
Come on, you know better. Martin checked it out; it’s a real insect, a bug! And who’s “they?”
MARY
The entire campus. Reporters, police, everybody. It was on TV, last night for God’s sake; even on the Net.
BILL
So! Anyway, I was right here babysittin’ it.
MARY
Even if it’s a real bug, we’re still in trouble. And there are two other bugs in town on their way here.
BILL
That’s good, then I’m have three. They’re no match for me.
MARY
I don’t think so … a mob’s coming.
BILL
What, college kids?
MARY
Yeah, and more.
BILL
We gotta get that damn bug outta here!
MARY
Not me!
BILL
We’re in this thing together. Remember what you said in the car, gettin’ here? Now come on – move your butt.
BILL pushes MARY toward the lab.
BILL (Cont’d)
Get that rope in the corner. We gotta tie it up again. Hurry, get it in gear. Come on, NOW!
Cut to: IRVING and AUNT LULU being interviewed by YOUNG WOMAN. About a hundred college kids and others wearing Grasshopper mask – many in full costume – are dancing and singing in the middle of the street.
YOUNG WOMAN
Ladies and gentlemen, the entire city seems to be caught up in grasshopper mania.
IRVING
Could you please tell us where the Biology structure is? We have to rescue our friends.
ONE OF THE COLLEGE KIDS
Six blocks down and take a left. You can’t miss it. Big sign, Hey! We’ll go with you.
YOUNG WOMAN
But I have more questions.
IRVING and AUNT LULU jump into the Volkswagen. The mob clears a path for them and the Volkswagen lurches down the street, the cheering mob following on foot.
Cut to: Volkswagen skidding around a corner, bouncing over a curb and driving across the broad lawn to the large Biology Building. IRVING slams on the brakes by the front door. HE and AUNT LULU jump out and run into the building.
Cut to: Interior of Biology Lab.
MARY
Somebody’s comin’! It’s them …
FLORABELLE (The antennae on FLORABELLE’S head perk up.)
Irving and Aunt Lulu, I feel their vibrations. HELP!
BILL
So you finally decided to talk, huh! Right now I’ll need to silence you.
BILL picks up a large scalpel from the cabinet and approaches FLORABELLE.
MARY
What are you doing?
BILL
Kill this damn bug.
BILL raises the scalpel over FLORADBELLE. IRVING and AUNT LULU appear at the door. BILL sees them, pauses.
IRVING
Stop.
IRVING approaches BILL slowly.
BILL
What are you – another big bug?
IRVING
A grasshopper! And we’ve come for Florabelle.
BILL
Florabelle. Isn’t that a nice name? You can have her in pieces.
IRVING panics, rushes toward BILL, collides with him, they both fall to the floor. BILL’s head slams into the floor, he is dazed. IRVING hops back on his feet, looks down at BILL.
IRVING
I truly hope I didn’t hurt you, sir. It was an accident, I assure you.
MARY picks up FLORABELLE and starts to run toward the door. BILL has struggled to his feet.
BILL
Mary. Wait. We gotta get all three. This is our big chance.
BILL picks up two large scalpels. MARY pauses in doorway. IRVING and AUNT LULU back away toward MARY and FLORABELLE.
BILL
Drop it on the floor and take one’a these!
MARY drops FLORABELLE to the floor and takes a scalpel from BILL. BILL and MARY, side by side, approach IRVING and AUNT LULU.
BILL (Cont’d)
Get ready to go to grasshopper heaven, you stinking bugs.
IRVING (To AUNT LULU)
I think they means to harm us.
AUNT LULU
Oh no!
IRVING
They’re a very violent species. There’s nothing we can do.
AUNT LULU
Not only violent – but ugly. Really ugly.
BILL and MARY raise their scalpels, preparing to strike.
AUNT LULU (Cont’d)
They’re so hideous. I feel … I feel … I think … I think … I’m going to …. ARRGGGHHH!!!
A thick liquid – like green pea soup – shoots out of AUNT LULU’S mouth, drenching BILL and MARY. BILL and MARY look at the sticky mess in horror; they drop their scalpels, frantically start trying to wipe the green muck off their faces.
IRVING
I think perhaps you should apologize to them, Lulu.
AUNT LULU
I think it would be a slightly better idea to get Florabelle and run!
IRVING
Lulu, you are a brilliant military strategist.
IRVING picks up FLORABELLE and HE and AUNT LULU race/hop down the hall toward the front do
or.
Cut to: Exterior of Biology Building. IRVING, carrying FLORABELLE, and AUNT LULU run out of the building. College students are a hundred yards away, dancing and singing on the lawn. IRVING puts FLORABELLE in the back seat of the Volkswagen, then HE and AUNT LULU jump into the car, and the Volkswagen roars away from the Biology Building. BILL and MARY come running out of the building, still covered from head to toe with green slime, and see the Volkswagen speeding away. They rush to the student parking lot. BARB is standing near the Imperial, chatting with a girlfriend. BILL jumps into the Imperial; MARY grabs BARB’s hand and pulls her into the open convertible.
BARB
Hey! What’s happening?
BILL
We gotta catch those bugs or we’re in lotta trouble.
BILL guns the Imperial and drives off after the Volkswagen. The college students, all in grasshopper masks, run frantically for the parking lot and their own cars.
Cut to: A long line of cars speeding down Main Street of Rutherford toward the interstate on-ramp. IRVING is in the lead, followed closely by BILL, MARY and BARB. Thirty more cars, filled with students, follow.
Cut to: Interior of Imperial.
BILL
I got a hunting knife in the glove compartment. Get it!
MARY
What’ are we to do when we catch them?
BILL
I’m gonna squash them like the bugs they are.
MARY
Why?
BILL
Just because! Oh yeah. All we say they went berserk and killed the Professor.
MARY
He’s not dead.
BILL
The hell he isn’t. We’ll be heroes.
BARB
Oh no, I don’t want any part of this. Let me out. LET ME OUT!
BILL
No way. We’re all in this together.
Cut to: Interior of Volkswagen. AUNT LULU had just finished untying FLORABELLE.
AUNT LULU
Are you all right, Florabelle?
FLORABELLE
I thought I was going to grass. I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed being dissected.
IRVING
Those scoundrels!
AUNT LULU
Watch your language, Irving.
IRVING
I’m sorry – but those people-creatures can be most unpleasant. If I had a temper, I’d lose it.
FLORABELLE
Anyway, I have some wonderful material for my life story.
Cut to: Long shot of the procession of cars entering Lincoln Tunnel. IRVING exits into Manhattan, all cars following. IRVING whips down a side street, careening off the side of a building, sparks flying. The Imperial almost rolls over when BILL turns too sharply into the side street. IRVING makes another sharp turn, the trailer rolls onto its side, becomes unlocked from the Volkswagen. The trailer smashes through a showroom window. BILL has had to swerve a sidewalk, pedestrians scream and scatter. The Imperial sideswipes the side of a building, lurches into the side of parked car. BILL regains control and resumes the chase.
Cut to: Interior of Imperial. MARY and BARB are hanging on for dear life.
BILL
My car! My beautiful car! It’s gonna be ruined. Oh, I’ll make those bugs pay for this.
MARY
To hell with your stupid car. Look at my hair. It’s green … and sticky.
Cut to: Volkswagen speeding down a narrow street, weaving wildly from one side to the other to avoid oncoming cars because it’s a one-way street and IRVING is going the wrong way. BILL and all the college students follow, creating chaos on the street. Cars are driving onto the sidewalk and into buildings and parked cars to avoid the oncoming surge if speeding cars. IRVING cuts into another street, accelerates. The big Imperial can’t maneuver the turn and careens into a parked car. A car driven by one of the college students smashes into the rear of the Imperial. The Imperial emits clouds of smoke from its exhaust as it putt-putts away.
Cut to: Interior of Imperial.
BILL
Now I’m really mad.
Cut to: Volkswagen - with a lead of a few blocks over the Imperial. IRVING swerves sharply to miss another car, the Volkswagen bounces off the curb and rolls over onto its top and skids down the street. It finally comes to a stop – right in front of the Empire State Building.
Cut to: Interior of Volkswagen. IRVING, AUNT LULU and FLORABELLE are upside-down.
IRVING
We appear to have a slight problem with this vehicle. Farmer Gray is not going to be too happy.
AUNT LULU
It’s either got a congested metathorax – or it’s on its top!
IRVING
Lulu, you are an automotive genius. I suggest we leave all this behind.
IRVING grabs two Grasshopper masks from the back of the Volkswagen and then all three Grasshoppers pile out of the car. They see the Imperial speeding down the street towards them. IRVING points toward the door to the Empire State Building and all three run toward it.
CU of Imperial.
BILL
No brakes!
The Imperial smashes into the rear of the large panel truck. The hood of the Imperial flies up. BILL, MARY and BARB leap out of the Imperial and run toward the Empire State Building.
IRVING, AUNT LULU and FLORABELLE run into the empty elevator. The door of the elevator glides shut just as BILL, MARY and BARB rush up to it. BILL and MARY move quickly to the next elevator and push the UP button impatiently.
BARB
I’ve had enough of this. See you’a, don’t want to be you’a!
BILL starts after her, MARY grabs his arm.
MARY
Let her go. She’s a loner.
Cut to: Interior of elevator.