Shreiber and Tome: Unlucky Vamps

  6. Undead Jerks.

  The restaurant at the Challenger Hotel was full of neatly dressed men and women in formal wear. Standing at the entrance by the waiter’s podium, Lil and Tome stood out a mile away.

  “Had I realised we were going to eat out,” Tome said, “I’d have worn my good vest.”

  “The one with only two stains on the front?”

  “No... that's really for special occasions. I meant the one with the naked devil women on it.”

  “I don’t think they’d appreciate that here, Mike.”

  “Really? Even if I wore the matching jacket?”

  “Well,” Lil said thoughtfully. “There is such a thing as being too overdressed.”

  She gave the man at the podium a small smile. He glared back at her as though her very presence was offensive to his existence. When he spoke, Lil was not at all surprised that he was French.

  “Can I help you?” he asked in a snotty tone.

  “I rather doubt it,” Tome replied.

  “We’re just waiting for someone,” Lil said quickly.

  “Then perhaps,” the Frenchman replied, “you should wait outside. You’ll be more comfortable there.”

  “They’re with me,” came an unemotional voice from behind.

  The look on the poor man’s face made Lil lose any animosity towards him. He was terrified of the new speaker. She turned to see Mister Evan, the Prince’s right hand man, standing impassively behind them. He wore a new suit, and for some reason had his right arm held across his body, with his hand under his jacket.

  Mister Evan looked at the two detectives. His eyes revealed nothing.

  “Come with me,” he ordered, and set off into the restaurant. He paused by the head waiter. “If I were you,” he said in a low voice, “I would work on my manners. Not everyone is as understanding as we are.”

  “Yes... Yes, sir,” the Frenchman stuttered. Lil felt a fresh wave of sympathy for him.

  Satisfied that he had put the fear of god into him, Mister Evan continued on his way.

  “Hey, Napoleon,” Tome said to him as they wound their way through the tables. “I hate the French as much as the next guy, but was the hard geezer routine really necessary?”

  “It is always good to remind those under you of their place,” Mister Evan said.

  “He didn’t insult you,” pointed out Lil.

  “You are employees of His Royal Highness,” Mister Evan said by way of explanation. “He was lucky.”

  “What, you would have had him fired for doing his job?”

  “In my country,” Mister Evan told her, “I would have had him killed.”

  Lil exchanged a look with Tome. “I’m striking that place off my holiday list,” she whispered.

  “Why? I bet we’d be considered charming if everyone’s as big a nutter as this git,” Tome replied, just loud enough to be overheard.

  Mister Evan ignored him. They came to a large table in middle of the room. Prince Karl Von Drais sat facing them, sipping a glass of wine. A single, large bodyguard sat unmoving next to him. Von Drais didn’t stand as they approached. Lil didn’t take that as a good sign.

  “Sit,” he said politely. He looked at Mister Evan. “You may go.”

  Lil pulled out a chair and sat opposite him. Tome turned to Mister Evan, to whom had taken an instant dislike, and reached into his pocket. “Hang on,” he said as he fished something out. “Let me tip the help.”

  He pulled a handful of black dirt from his inside pocket, and placed it into Mister Evan’s hand. The vampire looked from the dirt to Tome, who was naturally grinning his usual grin.

  “Don’t spend it all at once,” he said, before sitting down and turning his back on the vampire. He ignored the look Lil sent his way.

  “What, may I ask, was that about?” Von Drais asked in amusement.

  “Just taking some of your minion’s advice,” Tome replied. “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Tome.”

  “Ah, of course. I see the stories about you were not exaggerated.”

  “No,” Lil said. “If nothing else, the stories are very modest about Mike.”

  Von Drais gave a smile. “Would you like something to eat? I hear the roasted quail is quite good here. Though I have never sampled it myself. My delicate constitution doesn’t allow me... solid foods.”

  “Yeah. I’m the same with milk,” said Tome.

  “We’re fine,” Lil replied. “I suppose you want to know how the investigation’s going?”

  “The thought has crossed my mind,” Von Drais said. “Around the time I heard that there was another murder. A human, my sources tell me?”

  “Not quite. He was human, but on drug therapy to treat vampirism.”

  “Treating it? What an odd concept. So, he was murdered by the same persons?”

  “It looks that way.”

  Von Drais stared at her over the rim of his glass. Lil thought his eyes strayed ever so slightly to her neck. She hoped he ate earlier.

  “Well,” he said finally. “In the twelve hours since I hired you, I trust you have made some head way into this vicious crime.”

  “Oh, plenty. We’re quite close to unmasking the killer. Sort of.”

  “It’s complicated,” said Tome. “I’d explain, but I haven’t any crayons on me.”

  “It turns out,” Lil said, before Von Drais could take offence at Tome, “that the killer is some sort of creature, probably from one of the Lower Realms. It’s being controlled by someone else.”

  The prince considered this. “So there are two perpetrators?”

  “Yes. The creature that does the killings, and the person controlling it. We think the summoner is a vampire.”

  If this surprise him, he didn’t show it.

  “Have you ascertained a connection between the victims?”

  “No, but we have some reason to believe they knew each other.”

  “I don't suppose you happened to know any of them?” Tome asked suddenly. “Jerry Howard? Anton Philips? Angela Smith?”

  Von Drais considered the names carefully. “None of them sound familiar. Should I know them?”

  “You’re the Prince, you tell me.”

  “I don't particularly like your tone,” Von Drais said. It wasn’t in a very menacing manner. Yet.

  Why did Tome have to antagonise everyone? It was, as near as Lil could figure, some sort of defensive mechanism. He always seemed to irritate most those that could most easily kill him.

  “While we are on the subjects of dislikes,” Von Drais turned to Lil suddenly. “I hear you have been assisting the young Agent Ryan with his inquiries?”

  “Hugh’s the lead agent. He got us the information we needed...” Lil said.

  “Ah, so, you are merely using... Hugh was it? To get information? You would not by chance be aiding the FBI in the apprehension of this dangerous criminal.”

  “Well...”

  “Because, as I explained quite clear this morning, Miss Shreiber, I do not wish this monster to be arrested by the so called authorities here. I am paying you, and your pet monkey,” he nodded in acknowledgement to Tome, “to deliver the murderer to me, and to me alone. And as it seems there are now two individuals responsible, I want them both. Then,” he gave a gracious smile, “we can all be content in the knowledge that justice will be done.”

  Justice. Lil remembered the waiter and Mister Evan. That was how they handled things in their country.

  “Having seen the work of the killer for yourselves,” Von Drais went on, “surely you can agree that punishment has been sorely earned.”

  Lil didn't respond. There was nothing she could say that she thought would do her current feelings justice. She just nodded. It seemed the easiest thing to do.

  “Well,” the prince smiled. “You still have much work to do. Don’t let me keep you. Just try to remember who it is you’re working for.”

  As if she could forget. Lil suddenly had a sinking feeling, like perhaps when she gave up the kille
r, she was giving up an important part of herself as well. There was a bitter taste in her mouth as she and Tome quickly left the table.

  “Honestly,” said Tome. “It was like being lectured by the headmaster all over again. I kept having Academy flashbacks. He talked just like that. Remember who you work for. I own your soul. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that...”

  Lil wasn’t listening. As they passed the waiter’s podium, the Frenchman was gone. It was possible he went on his break. Lil tried to convince herself that that was most likely, and not the alternative.

  She looked at Tome. “What was up with the dirt?”

  “Oh, not just dirt. High grade Bulgarian soil from Gillian Roper’s yard. I took it when we were cleaning out those imps last month.”

  “And you’ve been carrying it in your pocket all this time?”

  “I keep forgetting to get a pot. Besides, you never know when you might need some spare soil. Many a time I’ve been backed into a corner and thought to myself, “Mike, you need loam.” Is that Bill?”

  Lil stopped trying to remember any occasion where she desperately needed dirt, and looked where Tome was pointing. William de Hood IV was coming towards them, following in the wake of Mister Evan.

  “Ah, Bill old man,” Tome greeted as he drew near. “How’s life in organised crime?”

  “Not as organised as most think,” the vampire complained. “Damn dock workers are on strike, and my entire shipment of Columbian beans is stuck in customs. Sometimes I could just kill someone.”

  “He’s closest,” Lil pointed to Tome.

  “Speaking of organised crime,” Bill went on. “What have I told you about peddling your cheap wares in my neighbourhood?”

  “If you ever caught me selling Peruvian witch charms again, you were going to sew my posterior shut,” Tome recited. “But they were a steal, at five quid a pop.”

  “A rip off. And I want a refund. It made my hair turn purple.”

  “That means it’s working,” Tome lied.

  “Anyway, since you’re both here, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.” Bill glanced at Mister Evan who waited impatiently. “Well, piss off. I can find the table on my own. It’s hardly the final frontier here is it?”

  “His Highness does not like to wait,” Mister Evan replied.

  “Tell him to get use to disappointments. Bugger off.”

  Mister Evan shot them all an ugly look, then turned and walked off. He was still carrying his arm with his hand in his jacket. Lil wondered why he did that. Was he holding onto a gun? She didn’t remember him walking like that when they had met that morning.

  “You’re meeting Von Drais?” Tome asked Bill. “About what?”

  “Legitimate business. In other words, none of yours. But I digress. I wanted to discuss our little talk earlier,” he said to Lil.

  “What about it?” she asked.

  “Well, I wasn’t lying when I told you I didn’t know anything. But not long ago, I got a call from an associate of mine. Seems she was watching the news, and she saw something that made her a little upset.”

  “What? Was it about that budgerigar, Bernard, they keep putting on TV?” Tome asked in disgust. “Because that smartarse bird upsets me a whole lot. Birds shouldn’t surf, it’s against nature.”

  “O-kay...” said Lil. “Returning to reality in three... two...one...”

  “Sorry. But the mere thought of that little pillock makes me want to-”

  “Anyway,” Bill said forcefully. “It seems that on the news they ran a story about this whole Vampire Slayer thing. Had some new information about the identities of some of the victims. When she saw that, she got scared and called me.”

  “Wait,” Lil said. “You know someone who knows the victims? Who is it?”

  Bill handed her a slip of paper with an address on it. “She’s there. I told her you would be coming, seeing as how I’m going to be indisposed.”

  “Thanks, Bill. Hey, I always said you were alright.”

  “Yeah,” agreed Tome. “A real stand up guy.”

  “Whatever. Just thought you ought to know, so you can all bugger off and leave me alone,” Bill replied. “Now if you don’t mind, I have to go sweet talk some eurotrash.” He went off into the restaurant.

  “This is great,” Tome said. “We should... Lil?”

  Lil was looking at the address in amazement. “Hold on a sec.” She took out the wallet she had taken earlier, and pulled out the photograph of the two victims. On the reverse side was an address. The same address that Bill had just given them, written underneath a name: “Sabine”.

  “I thought it was just the girl’s address,” Lil said. “That’s a pretty big coincidence.”

  “I like coincidences,” said Tome. “It usually means something important. I have no idea what, naturally, but what do you say we give this Sabine bird a visit?”

  “I have an opening in my schedule.”

  “Uh, should we tell Ryan?”

  Lil thought it over. She knew it wasn’t right to keep information from him, especially since he had been helpful to them. But this was getting personal to her.

  “If there’s anything important, we’ll tell him later,” she decided. That was probably true. Sort of.

  “Fair enough.”

  As they made their way to the car, Lil had to ask, “Exactly what were you going to use the dirt for?”

  “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be carrying it around now, would I?”

  I've been around him too long, thought Lil. That almost made sense to me. Almost.