The Lonely Hearts Club

  Tracy and I were among the few girls left in our class who hadn't made it to the table as Todd's girl of the moment. I'd never had a desire to be part of their demented version of Noah's Ark, where you could only survive if you were paired up with a member of the opposite sex. If I had to choose between dating Todd and missing the boat, I was fully prepared to drown.

  Both Kara and Morgan had dated Todd. Morgan had dated him in eighth grade, and he would go around and lie to the basketball team about how far he got with her. After he'd dumped her, Morgan had become increasingly popular with the other guys in class, until she'd realized it was because they all thought she was easy.

  You would've thought that Kara would've learned from Morgan's mistakes. But no. Todd had managed to disarm all common sense in a girl, Kara had thought it would be

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  different, so she'd taken the plunge . . . and found that this girl named Tina Mclntyre was swimming in the same pool at the same time.

  I couldn't help but wonder why it was that a guy could find two good girls to date at the same time, when we girls couldn't even find one decent guy.

  My face became hot as I thought about how much trouble Todd had caused -- not just with Kara and Morgan, but with practically half our class, I never understood the power he had over girls. He was your typical dumb jock: a big guy with a dirty blond buzz cut and an outfit that always showed off at least two sports team logos.

  Thinking about Todd made me realize I wasn't the only girl at McKinley who would benefit from a boy boycott.

  Those nasty freshmen girls were all over him now, and he was enjoying every minute of it.

  "Guys are jerks," I practically shouted.

  A laugh escaped Tracy's throat. "What to the evs -- like you don't spend your time flirting with Ryan and Todd!"

  Like I WHAT?

  "What are you even talking about?"

  "Are you even kidding me? Every time you're around Ryan, you flirt up a storm."

  Yeah, well, that was the old Penny. New Penny was done flirting. I'd be happy if I never had to speak to any guys for the rest of the year.

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  "The guys in the Elite Eight aren't the problem," Morgan said. "Those girls are so shallow and have zero -- and I mean zero -- things to discuss outside of their boyfriends."

  "Well," Kara interjected, "Diane is always nice to me. But Audrey and Pam are a little full of themselves."

  Morgan glared at their table. "Please. Sure they're cheerleaders and date the star athletes -- how boring! -- but nobody really likes them. You know that's what's totally ridiculous about all of this -- all those guys who are allegedly the popular ones are despised by most of the students. And anytime they're nice to somebody outside the group, it's always, always because they want something."

  "Exactly!" Tracy chimed in. "Today in class, Diane pretended she wanted to be KFFs with me. And she tried the same thing with Pen this morning."

  Morgan nodded. "Exactly. It's obvious she wants something."

  "Yeah, well, whatever it is," Tracy said, looking over at the Elite Eight table, "she's not going to get it."

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  chapter Seven

  I GOT INTO WORLD HISTORY class and was completely surrounded.

  Ms. Barnes, our teacher, did the seating assignments in alphabetical order (how original!) and I was placed between Ryan and Todd, with Derek Simpson sitting two rows behind me, and Kevin Parker (Tracy's main obsession) and Steve Powell (lower on the list) close by

  There were only three other girls in the class, and they ended up seated as far away from me as possible.

  "Hey there, Senorita Penny," Todd welcomed me to my seat. We'd had Spanish together that morning and (much to my displeasure) had been assigned to be conversation partners. Todd had spent most of the time making up words by placing an o at the end of them -- el chairo, el sandwicho, el footballo,

  Ryan sat down next to me, "What a surprise," he said.

  Todd leaned over to my desk. "Hey Penny what are you going to have your Spanish name be?"

  I shrugged. I'd never really thought about it,

  Todd continued, "Because I was thinking of using Nacho and figured you should pick Margarita, so when we have

  40

  projects together Senora Coles will have to call on Margarita y Nacho." Todd laughed, then leaned forward and lifted up his hand.

  I did my best to ignore him.

  "What's this?" Ryan asked. "Bloom, are you two-timing me with Chesney? Seriously, I thought you had better taste."

  Yeah, like I'm the one two-timing. I'm not the one with the girlfriend.

  Todd made a rude gesture to Ryan and then the two of them started trash-talking about who was going to do more laps at practice that night.

  I wondered if there were any all-girl schools in the area.

  I'd never been so relieved to hear the last bell of the day. I jumped from the classroom like it was on fire and headed straight to my locker. There I found Diane waiting. Not for me. For Ryan. Of course.

  Still, she waved.

  Did she even have her own locker?

  "Hey, Penny!" she said when I got closer, "Are you going to the game on Friday night?"

  "Yep." I tried to seem busy finding my Biology textbook. I didn't know why she was all of a sudden so interested in my social calendar.

  "Like anybody would want to miss that ass-kicking," Todd said, coming over with Ryan, then stopping to give him a high five. "Even Bauer's dad is going to be there! So that alone is

  41

  something to show up for. That, like, happens about as often as, what, a lunar eclipse or something...."

  Ryan glared at Todd and slammed his locker shut. I'd known Ryan since grade school, and I'd never seen his dad. His mom and stepdad, sure. But not his dad. All I knew was that he was some hotshot lawyer in Chicago.

  There was an awkward silence in their group -- a group that I didn't want to get involved with. I reached for my phone and my stomach dropped when I saw I had another text waiting from Nate.

  You can't ignore me forever.

  I hit the delete button. I was sure going to try.

  "Penny?" It was Diane's voice.

  "What?" I looked up and noticed that she was alone. I hadn't heard Ryan and Todd leave. Why was she still here?

  "Oh, urn, I was just wondering..." She started nervously bending down the corner of her notebook. "I mean, I feel like we haven't really spoken in so long, and I'd love it if we could go out sometime -- to a movie, or dinner, whatever you're up for."

  She can't be serious, I thought.

  "Oh, well, um .. ."

  Why don't you tell me what you want so we can get this over with?

  "Are you free tomorrow night?" she asked.

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  "Um," I stalled, trying to think of a reason why I couldn't go out with her.

  "I was thinking we could go to the mall and then grab a bite to eat. Wouldn't that be fun?"

  No, not really . . .

  I looked at Diane. Her eyes were wide, and it seemed like she genuinely wanted to spend time with me. That, or she was so desperate to become the first junior to ever win Homecoming Queen that she was willing to take her campaign past enemy lines.

  Wait a second, I thought. This is Diane Monroe, The same Diane who cancelled on me a million times. Who would never put a friend before Ryan. If I agree, she'll no doubt cancel to do something with Ryan. Some things never change,

  "I think that could work!' I said. I knew I could always make up an excuse (like that I needed to work at my dad's dental office) if she didn't cancel on me first,

  Diane did a little jump. "Yay! HI stop by tomorrow after class!"

  I wasn't going to hold my breath.

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  chapter Eight

  "YOU AGREED TO DO WHAT?" Tracy practically ran off the side of the road when I told her the next morning. "Seriously Pen, she's on some sort of medication. There's something off upstairs."

  "I know -- I
see her talking to everybody," I tried to not laugh.

  "You don't understand -- you don't have any classes with her. I've got two -- before lunch. And all she did yesterday was come over and talk to me in that cheerleadery way she has."

  "Yeah, welt I'm not that worried about it. She'll cancel on me. End of story."

  I guess in a way Diane prepared me for being dumped by guys. With her it was the same thing as any guy -- the calls not being returned, avoiding me in the hallways, talking behind my back.

  Tracy's cell phone rang. She threw her headset on, answered, listened for about three seconds, then screamed, "WHAT?"

  I instinctively grabbed the wheel to steady her driving.

  "Are you even serious? When?" Tracy grabbed my arm. "Oh my God!"

  I wanted to hit her, but didn't want to die on my way to school. Tracy just kept on screaming and asking questions.

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  When she finally got off the phone, a look of smugness settled on her face,

  "You're not going to believe it," she said. "Ryan broke up with Diane."

  "WHAT?" I screamed so loud, Tracy winced. "You can't be serious. I've seen Diane at Ryan's locker --"

  Tracy shook her head. "Jen went in early this morning with the volleyball team to practice, and the news broke. From what she knows, he broke up with her at the start of summer before she went away on vacation, but nobody really knew about it since Ryan didn't want to, I don't know, spread gossip or whatevs while she was away. They wanted to wait a few more days to tell people, but Todd ended up spilling it to Hilary Jacobs, and you can imagine where it went from there."

  "That's impossible," I replied. Diane Monroe and Ryan Bauer had been together for four years. They were supposed to get married, have 2.4 kids, and have a 50 percent chance of living happily ever after.

  "It all makes perfect sense! This is why she's being so nice to everybody, that fake little bee-yotch." Tracy glared at me. "And now we know exactly what she wants."

  I looked at Tracy in confusion. What did Diane want?

  "She thinks that now she's single, she can come running back to her good old friend Penny."

  I tried to wrap my head around it. Diane dumped me for Ryan, Ryan dumped Diane, and now she expected us to be friends again.

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  I don't think so.

  "Wait a second!' Mike interrupted. "You're friends with Diane Monroe?"

  "No, we used to be friends,"

  "Wow." Mike looked impressed, "She's hot. Do you think you can introduce her to me?"

  "Get out of the car!" Tracy screamed. Mike rolled his eyes, and he jumped out as soon as Tracy pulled into the parking lot.

  "How stupid does she think I am?" I asked. "After not talking to me for four years, she wants me to mop up after Ryan. I've got my own guy problems, thank you very much. I'm so canceling on her."

  "What?" Tracy's eyes opened wide, "No way -- you have to go!

  I couldn't believe she was even being serious. Tracy hated Diane and she wanted me to hang out with her?

  "You have to get the scoop. Find out why he dumped her skinny ass and then get up and leave. You don't owe her anything. See how she feels being used for once."

  "But I..."

  "Come on, Pen. I wish I could go and hear her poor sad sob story. Oh, I'm so happy Ryan finally came to his senses. Hmmm, I wonder if I should put him on the list." Tracy looked thoughtful for a moment. "Nah, I've always thought he'd be better for you. Not that you're dating or anything."

  I felt a migraine coming on.

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  My headache wasn't going to go away once got to my locker and saw Ryan. I was so preoccupied with Diane that I had forgotten that I'd have to deal with him, too. there was no way to avoid him.

  Not only didn't I know what to say to him, but I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. Should I be mad at him? Should I be grateful to him for confirming once more that guys only use girls) Granted, I didn't know what had happened, but I felt it had to have been his fault.

  "Hey there, Bloom," he said as I opened up my locker.

  "Hey, what's new -- I mean, not what's new, um .,." I closed my eyes, hoping he'd just turn and walk away.

  "Well, I see it only took twenty-four hours for the news to make its way around the school," he replied.

  I looked over at him and didn't know what to say.

  "Anyways," he went on, "I hear you and Diane are going out tonight."

  I stared at him blankly. How did he know that"?

  "Hey, it's okay. I'm glad you guys are hanging out. to tell you the truth, I'm a little worried about Diane. You know how catty some people can be."

  I tried to not think of Tracy ... or myself.

  "What up, Bauer?" Todd came from around the corner. I'd never been so happy to see him in my life ... at least until he walked over and put his arm around me. "I don't give a crap that you're single now -- you best stay away from my girl."

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  For the first time, Ryan seemed thrown off

  Todd, however, didn't pick up on this. He went on, "Now why don't you run along and start breaking some hearts while me partner en espanol and I head to class?" As he grabbed my arm and guided me toward class, he started shaking his head. "I'm telling you," he said with an overdone sigh, "having Bauer be single is going to be trouble."

  Ryan was right about news traveling fast through the school -- it was all anybody could talk about. I tried to not get caught up in it, but as the lone member of the Lonely Hearts Club, I couldn't help but notice how unfair everybody was being. Nobody seemed to worry about Ryan. Of course, he would have a new girlfriend soon enough, but if he didn't, it wasn't a big deal. It was his choice. Guys rule.

  But Diane was treated like damaged goods. the victim, A heartbroken, devastated shell of a person.

  When people talked about Ryan, they were high-fiving, talking about his freedom.

  With Diane, people were speaking to low voices, like she should've been ashamed to be single again.

  So. Unfair.

  I knew this. But it was still extremely awkward to be with Diane after school. I kept hearing a voice in my head that said, the only reason she didn't cancel on you is because she doesn't have a boyfriend.

  On our way over to the diner, we talked about our families,

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  and how Rita was doing at college, and how her mother was remodeling their kitchen . . again. When we got there, we talked about classes. then what we were going to order. then, when it seemed like the only thing left besides the breakups (ours, hers .. . pick one) was to discuss the weather, we simply stared at each other.

  "So," Diane finally said as she picked at her salad. "How's Nate? Does he still spend the summer with you guys?"

  My stomach tightened. "I don't want to talk about it."

  "Oh." Diane looked down, realizing her question had backfired. She seemed so sad as she pushed her fork around her plate.

  Finally, she looked up again. "Can I tell you something?"

  I shrugged.

  'I've always been a little bit jealous of you."

  "Excuse me?" How could Miss Perfect, blond-hair, blue-eyes model Diane Monroe be jealous of me?

  "Seriously, Penny --I mean, seriously! Look at you! Do you have any idea how hard I have to work to look like this? I mean, look at what I'm eating, for the love of carbs!" Diane motioned toward her garden salad with fat-free dressing and then looked over at my turkey sandwich with cheddar cheese and mayonnaise and potato chips.

  "First off," she began, "you can eat anything and you have an awesome body."

  Whatever.

  "AND you have the coolest style. I choose what I'm going to wear based on what magazines tell me. I look the same as

  49

  everybody else. But you have your own funky style that nobody else could pull off You always have."

  In other words, I was a freak because I preferred All Stars over stilettos.

  "And, you know, I'm not stupid. I know people
like you a whole lot more than they will ever like me."

  As Tracy would've said, what to the evs.

  Diane shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Well, I just wanted to tell you that."

  "Oh . . . thanks." I tried to give her a smile.

  She picked at her salad again. "Do you remember how when we were little we used to put on those concerts for your parents?"

  I nodded, surprised that Diane remembered the Beatles shows we'd performed in our basement.

  "What did your parents call your basement?"

  I sighed. "the Cavern." (the Cavern was the club in Liverpool where the Beatles had gotten their start.)

  "Right remember that you had to be John and I was Paul and we had stuffed animals be Ringo and George." She started to laugh, leaning in. "And then we did that little routine in the cafeteria that summer up at the lake."

  "When we went white-water tubing?"

  Diane's eyes lit up. "Exactly! What were those guys' names?"

  I looked down at the table, trying to remember the two brothers who'd hung out with us for that week.

  "I just remember you completely schooling that one guy in air hockey." We both started to laugh. "Seriously, Penny, I

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  thought your arm was going to come out of your socket, you were swinging it around so much." Diane started to flail her arms around fiercely and nearly knocked over her water.

  And then something unexpected happened.

  It was if the past four years had disappeared. As if it was just the other day that she was carrying around my books while I hobbled on crutches with a sprained ankle. the two of us began to reminisce about our friendship, and before we realized it, over an hour had passed, Diane looked thoughtfully at me, "Wow, Penny, it's been too long. We always had the best time together."