Short Cruises

  I'VE just been drinking a man's health," said the night watchman, comingslowly on to the wharf and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand;"he's come in for a matter of three 'undred and twenty pounds, and hestood me arf a pint--arf a pint!"

  He dragged a small empty towards him, and after planing the surface withhis hand sat down and gazed scornfully across the river.

  "Four ale," he said, with a hard laugh; "and when I asked 'im--just forthe look of the thing, and to give 'im a hint--whether he'd 'aveanother, he said 'yes.'"

  The night watchman rose and paced restlessly up and down the jetty.

  "Money," he said, at last, resuming his wonted calm and lowering himselfcarefully to the box again-- "money always gets left to the wrongpeople; some of the kindest-'arted men I've ever known 'ave never had aha'penny left 'em, while teetotaler arter teetotaler wot I've heard of'ave come in for fortins."

  It's 'ard lines though, sometimes, waiting for other people's money. Iknew o' one chap that waited over forty years for 'is grandmother to dieand leave 'im her money; and she died of catching cold at 'is funeral.Another chap I knew, arter waiting years and years for 'is rich aunt todie, was hung because she committed suicide.

  It's always risky work waiting for other people to die and leave youmoney. Sometimes they don't die; sometimes they marry agin; andsometimes they leave it to other people instead.

  Talking of marrying agin reminds me o' something that 'appened to ayoung fellow I knew named Alf Simms. Being an orphan 'e was brought upby his uncle, George Hatchard, a widowed man of about sixty. Alf used togo to sea off and on, but more off than on, his uncle 'aving quite atidy bit of 'ouse property, and it being understood that Alf was to haveit arter he 'ad gone. His uncle used to like to 'ave him at 'ome, andAlf didn't like work, so it suited both parties.

  I used to give Alf a bit of advice sometimes, sixty being a dangerousage for a man, especially when he 'as been a widower for so long he 'ashad time to forget wot being married's like; but I must do Alf thecredit to say it wasn't wanted. He 'ad got a very old 'ead on hisshoulders, and always picked the housekeeper 'imself to save the old manthe trouble. I saw two of 'em, and I dare say I could 'ave seen more,only I didn't want to.

  Cleverness is a good thing in its way, but there's such a thing as beingtoo clever, and the last 'ouse-keeper young Alf picked died of old age aweek arter he 'ad gone to sea. She passed away while she was drawingGeorge Hatchard's supper beer, and he lost ten gallons o' the bestbitter ale and his 'ousekeeper at the same time.

  It was four months arter that afore Alf came 'ome, and the fust sight ofthe new 'ousekeeper, wot opened the door to 'im, upset 'im terrible. Shewas the right side o' sixty to begin with, and only ordinary plain. Thenshe was as clean as a new pin, and dressed up as though she was goingout to tea.

  "Oh, you're Alfred, I s'pose?" she ses, looking at 'im.

  "Mr. Simms is my name," ses young Alf, starting and drawing hisself up.

  "I know you by your portrait," ses the 'ousekeeper. "Come in. 'Ave you'ad a pleasant v'y'ge? Wipe your boots."

  Alfred wiped 'is boots afore he thought of wot he was doing. Then hedrew hisself up stiff agin and marched into the parlor.

  "Sit down," ses the 'ousekeeper, in a kind voice.

  Alfred sat down afore he thought wot 'e was doing agin.

  "I always like to see people comfortable," ses the 'ousekeeper; "it's myway. It's warm weather for the time o' year, ain't it? George isupstairs, but he'll be down in a minute."

  "Who?" ses Alf, hardly able to believe his ears.

  "George," ses the 'ousekeeper.

  "George? George who?" ses Alfred, very severe.

  "Why your uncle, of course," ses the 'ousekeeper. "Do you think I've gota houseful of Georges?"

  Young Alf sat staring at her and couldn't say a word. He noticed thatthe room 'ad been altered, and that there was a big photygraph of herstuck up on the mantelpiece. He sat there fidgeting with 'is feet--untilthe 'ousekeeper looked at them--and then 'e got up and walked upstairs.

  His uncle, wot was sitting on his bed when 'e went into the room andpretended that he 'adn't heard 'im come in, shook hands with 'im asthough he'd never leave off.

  "I've got something to tell you, Alf," he ses, arter they 'ad said "Howd'ye do?" and he 'ad talked about the weather until Alf was fair tiredof it.

  "I've been and gone and done a foolish thing, and 'ow you'll take it Idon't know."

  "Been and asked the new 'ousekeeper to marry you, I s'pose?" ses Alf,looking at 'im very hard.

  His uncle shook his 'ead. "I never asked 'er; I'd take my Davy Ididn't," he ses.

  "Well, you ain't going to marry her, then?" ses Alf, brightening up.

  His uncle shook his 'ead agin. "She didn't want no asking," he ses,speaking very slow and mournful. "I just 'appened to put my arm roundher waist by accident one day and the thing was done."

  "Accident? How could you do it by accident?" ses Alf, firing up.

  "How can I tell you that?" ses George Hatchard. "'If I'd known 'ow, itwouldn't 'ave been an accident, would it?"

  "Don't you want to marry her?" ses Alf, at last. "You needn't marry 'erif you don't want to."

  George Hatchard looked at 'im and sniffed. "When you know her as well asI do you won't talk so foolish," he ses. "We'd better go down now, elseshe'll think we've been talking about 'er."

  They went downstairs and 'ad tea together, and young Alf soon see thetruth of his uncle's remarks. Mrs. Pearce--that was the 'ousekeeper'sname--called his uncle "dear" every time she spoke to 'im, and arter teashe sat on the sofa side by side with 'im and held his 'and.

  Alf lay awake arf that night thinking things over and 'ow to get Mrs.Pearce out of the house, and he woke up next morning with it still on'is mind. Every time he got 'is uncle alone he spoke to 'im about it,and told 'im to pack Mrs. Pearce off with a month's wages, but GeorgeHatchard wouldn't listen to 'im.

  "She'd 'ave me up for breach of promise and ruin me," he ses. "She readsthe paper to me every Sunday arternoon, mostly breach of promise cases,and she'd 'ave me up for it as soon as look at me. She's got 'eaps and'eaps of love-letters o' mine."

  "Love-letters!" ses Alf, staring. "Love-letters when you live in thesame house!"

  "She started it," ses his uncle; "she pushed one under my door onemorning, and I 'ad to answer it. She wouldn't come down and get mybreakfast till I did. I have to send her one every morning."

  "Do you sign 'em with your own name?" ses Alf, arter thinking a bit.

  "No," ses 'is uncle, turning red.

  "Wot do you sign 'em, then?" ses Alf.

  "Never you mind," ses his uncle, turning redder. "It's my handwriting,and that's good enough for her. I did try writing backwards, but I onlydid it once. I wouldn't do it agin for fifty pounds. You ought to ha'heard 'er."

  "If 'er fust husband was alive she couldn't marry you," ses Alf, veryslow and thoughtful.

  "No," ses his uncle, nasty-like; "and if I was an old woman she couldn'tmarry me. You know as well as I do that he went down with the EveningStar fifteen years ago."

  "So far as she knows," ses Alf; "but there was four of them saved, sowhy not five? Mightn't 'e have floated away on a spar or something andbeen picked up? Can't you dream it three nights running, and tell 'erthat you feel certain sure he's alive?"

  "If I dreamt it fifty times it wouldn't make any difference," ses GeorgeHatchard. "Here! wot are you up to? 'Ave you gone mad, or wot? You pokeme in the ribs like that agin if you dare."

  "Her fust 'usband's alive," ses Alf, smiling at un.

  "Wot?" ses his uncle.

  "He floated away on a bit o' wreckage," ses Alf, nodding at 'im, "justlike they do in books, and was picked up more dead than alive and tookto Melbourne. He's now living up-country working on a sheep station."

  "Who's dreaming now?" ses his uncle.

  "It's a fact," ses Alf. "I know a chap wot's met 'im and talked to 'im.She can't marry you while he's alive, can she?"

  "Certainly not,"
ses George Hatchard, trembling all over; "but are yousure you 'aven't made a mistake?"

  "Certain sure," ses Alf.

  "It's too good to be true," ses George Hatchard.

  "O' course it is," ses Alf, "but she won't know that. Look 'ere; youwrite down all the things that she 'as told you about herself and giveit to me, and I'll soon find the chap I spoke of wot's met 'im. He'dmeet a dozen men if it was made worth his while."

  George Hatchard couldn't understand 'im at fust, and when he did hewouldn't 'ave a hand in it because it wasn't the right thing to do, andbecause he felt sure that Mrs. Pearce would find it out. But at last 'ewrote out all about her for Alf; her maiden name, and where she wasborn, and everything; and then he told Alf that, if 'e dared to playsuch a trick on an unsuspecting, loving woman, he'd never forgive 'im.

  "I shall want a couple o' quid," ses Alf.

  "Certainly not," ses his uncle. "I won't 'ave nothing to do with it, Itell you."

  "Only to buy chocolates with," ses Alf.

  "Oh, all right," ses George Hatchard; and he went upstairs to 'isbedroom and came down with three pounds and gave 'im. "If that ain'tenough," he ses, "let me know, and you can 'ave more."

  Alf winked at 'im, but the old man drew hisself up and stared at 'im,and then 'e turned and walked away with his 'ead in the air.

  He 'ardly got a chance of speaking to Alf next day, Mrs. Pearce being'ere, there, and everywhere, as the saying is, and finding so manylittle odd jobs for Alf to do that there was no time for talking. Butthe day arter he sidled up to 'im when the 'ouse-keeper was out of theroom and asked 'im whether he 'ad bought the chocolates.

  "Yes," ses Alfred, taking one out of 'is pocket and eating it, "some of'em."

  George Hatchard coughed and fidgeted about. "When are you going to buythe others?" he ses.

  "As I want 'em," ses Alf. "They'd spoil if I got 'em all at once."

  George Hatchard coughed agin. "I 'ope you haven't been going on withthat wicked plan you spoke to me about the other night," he ses.

  "Certainly not," ses Alf, winking to 'imself; "not arter wot you said.How could I?"

  "That's right," ses the old man. "I'm sorry for this marriage for yoursake, Alf. O' course, I was going to leave you my little bit of 'ouseproperty, but I suppose now it'll 'ave to be left to her. Well, well, Is'pose it's best for a young man to make his own way in the world."

  "I s'pose so," ses Alf.

  "Mrs. Pearce was asking only yesterday when you was going back to seaagin," ses his uncle, looking at 'im.

  "Oh!" ses Alf.

  "She's took a dislike to you, I think," ses the old man. "It's very'ard, my fav'rite nephew, and the only one I've got. I forgot to tellyou the other day that her fust 'usband, Charlie Pearce, 'ad a kind of awart on 'is left ear. She's often spoke to me about it."

  "In--deed!" ses Alf.

  "Yes," ses his uncle, "left ear, and a scar on his forehead where afriend of his kicked 'im one day."

  Alf nodded, and then he winked at 'im agin. George Hatchard didn't winkback, but he patted 'im on the shoulder and said 'ow well he was fillingout, and 'ow he got more like 'is pore mother every day he lived.

  "I 'ad a dream last night," ses Alf. "I dreamt that a man I know namedBill Flurry, but wot called 'imself another name in my dream, and didn'tknow me then, came 'ere one evening when we was all sitting down atsupper, Joe Morgan and 'is missis being here, and said as 'ow Mrs.Pearce's fust husband was alive and well."

  "That's a very odd dream," ses his uncle; "but wot was Joe Morgan andhis missis in it for?"

  "Witnesses," ses Alf.

  George Hatchard fell over a footstool with surprise. "Go on," he ses,rubbing his leg. "It's a queer thing, but I was going to ask the Morgans'ere to spend the evening next Wednesday."

  "Or was it Tuesday?" ses Alf, considering.

  "I said Tuesday," ses his uncle, looking over Alf's head so that heneedn't see 'im wink agin. "Wot was the end of your dream, Alf?"

  "The end of it was," ses Alf, "that you and Mrs. Pearce was both verymuch upset, as o' course you couldn't marry while 'er fust was alive,and the last thing I see afore I woke up was her boxes standing at thefront door waiting for a cab."

  George Hatchard was going to ask 'im more about it, but just then Mrs.Pearce came in with a pair of Alf's socks that he 'ad been untidy enoughto leave in the middle of the floor instead of chucking 'em under thebed. She was so unpleasant about it that, if it hadn't ha' been for thethought of wot was going to 'appen on Tuesday, Alf couldn't ha' stoodit.

  For the next day or two George Hatchard was in such a state ofnervousness and excitement that Alf was afraid that the 'ousekeeperwould notice it. On Tuesday morning he was trembling so much that shesaid he'd got a chill, and she told 'im to go to bed and she'd make 'ima nice hot mustard poultice. George was afraid to say "no," but whileshe was in the kitchen making the poultice he slipped out for a walk andcured 'is trembling with three whiskies. Alf nearly got the poulticeinstead, she was so angry.

  She was unpleasant all dinner-time, but she got better in the arternoon,and when the Morgans came in the evening, and she found that Mrs. Morgan'ad got a nasty sort o' red swelling on her nose, she got quitegood-tempered. She talked about it nearly all supper-time, telling 'erwhat she ought to do to it, and about a friend of hers that 'ad one and'ad to turn teetotaler on account of it.

  "My nose is good enough for me," ses Mrs. Morgan, at last.

  "It don't affect 'er appetite," ses George Hatchard, trying to makethings pleasant, "and that's the main thing."

  Mrs. Morgan got up to go, but arter George Hatchard 'ad explained wot hedidn't mean she sat down agin and began to talk to Mrs. Pearce about 'erdress and 'ow beautifully it was made. And she asked Mrs. Pearce to give'er the pattern of it, because she should 'ave one like it herself whenshe was old enough. "I do like to see people dressed suitable," she ses,with a smile.

  "I think you ought to 'ave a much deeper color than this," ses Mrs.Pearce, considering.

  "Not when I'm faded," ses Mrs. Morgan.

  Mrs. Pearce, wot was filling 'er glass at the time, spilt a lot of beerall over the tablecloth, and she was so cross about it that she sat likea stone statue for pretty near ten minutes. By the time supper wasfinished people was passing things to each other in whispers, and when abit o' cheese went the wrong way with Joe Morgan he nearly suffocated'imself for fear of making a noise.

  They 'ad a game o' cards arter supper, counting twenty nuts as a penny,and everybody got more cheerful. They was all laughing and talking, andJoe Morgan was pretending to steal Mrs. Pearce's nuts, when GeorgeHatchard held up his 'and.

  "Somebody at the street door, I think," he ses.

  Young Alf got up to open it, and they 'eard a man's voice in the passageasking whether Mrs. Pearce lived there, and the next moment Alf cameinto the room, followed by Bill Flurry.

  "Here's a gentleman o' the name o' Smith asking arter you," he ses,looking at Mrs. Pearce.

  "Wot d'you want?" ses Mrs. Pearce rather sharp.

  "It is 'er," ses Bill, stroking his long white beard and casting 'iseyes up 'at the ceiling. "You don't remember me, Mrs. Pearce, but I usedto see you years ago, when you and poor Charlie Pearce was living downPoplar way."

  "Well, wot about it?" ses Mrs. Pearce.

  "I'm coming to it," ses Bill Flurry. "I've been two months trying tofind you, so there's no need to be in a hurry for a minute or two.Besides, what I've got to say ought to be broke gently, in case youfaint away with joy."

  "Rubbish!" ses Mrs. Pearce. "I ain't the fainting sort."

  "I 'ope it's nothing unpleasant," ses George Hatchard, pouring 'im out aglass of whisky.

  "Quite the opposite," ses Bill. "It's the best news she's 'eard forfifteen years."

  "Are you going to tell me wot you want, or ain't you?" ses Mrs. Pearce.

  "I'm coming to it," ses Bill. "Six months ago I was in Melbourne, andone day I was strolling about looking in at the shop-winders, when allat once I thought I see a face
I knew. It was a good bit older than whenI see it last, and the whiskers was gray, but I says to myself--"

  "I can see wot's coming," ses Mrs. Morgan, turning red with excitementand pinching Joe's arm.

  "I ses to myself," ses Bill Flurry, "either that's a ghost, I ses orelse it's Charlie--"

  "Go on," ses George Hatchard, as was sitting with 'is fists clinched onthe table and 'is eyes wide open, staring at 'im.

  "Pearce," ses Bill Flurry.

  You might 'ave heard a pin drop. They all sat staring at 'im, and thenGeorge Hatchard took out 'is handkerchief and 'eld it up to 'is face.

  "But he was drownded in the Evening Star" ses Joe Morgan.

  Bill Flurry didn't answer 'im. He poured out pretty near a tumbler ofwhisky and offered it to Mrs. Pearce, but she pushed it away, and, arterlooking round in a 'elpless sort of way and shaking his 'ead once ortwice, he finished it up 'imself.

  "It couldn't 'ave been 'im," ses George Hatchard, speaking through 'ishandkerchief. "I can't believe it. It's too cruel."

  "I tell you it was 'im," ses Bill. "He floated off on a spar when theship went down, and was picked up two days arterwards by a bark andtaken to New Zealand. He told me all about it, and he told me if ever Isaw 'is wife to give her 'is kind regards."

  "Kind regards!" ses Joe Morgan, starting up. "Why didn't he let 'is wifeknow 'e was alive?"

  "That's wot I said to 'im," ses Bill Flurry; "but he said he 'ad 'isreasons."

  "Ah, to be sure," ses Mrs. Morgan, nodding. "Why, you and her can't bemarried now," she ses, turning to George Hatchard.

  "Married?" ses Bill Flurry with a start, as George Hatchard gave a groanthat surprised 'im-self. "Good gracious! what a good job I found 'er!"

  "I s'pose you don't know where he is to be found now?" ses Mrs. Pearce,in a low voice, turning to Bill.

  "I do not, ma'am," ses Bill, "but I think you'd find 'im somewhere inAustralia. He keeps changing 'is name and shifting about, but I dare sayyou'd 'ave as good a chance of finding 'im as anybody."

  "It's a terrible blow to me," ses George Hatchard, dabbing his eyes.

  "I know it is," ses Mrs. Pearce; "but there, you men are all alike. Idare say if this hadn't turned up you'd ha' found something else."

  "Oh, 'ow can you talk like that?" ses George Hatchard, very reproachful."It's the only thing in the world that could 'ave prevented our gettingmarried. I'm surprised at you."

  "Well, that's all right, then," ses Mrs. Pearce, "and we'll get marriedafter all."

  "But you can't," ses Alf.

  "It's bigamy," ses Joe Morgan.

  "You'd get six months," ses his wife.

  "Don't you worry, dear," ses Mrs. Pearce, nodding at George Hatchard;"that man's made a mistake."

  "Mistake!" ses Bill Flurry. "Why, I tell you I talked to 'im. It wasCharlie Pearce right enough; scar on 'is forehead and a wart on 'is leftear and all."

  "It's wonderful," ses Mrs. Pearce. "I can't think where you got it allfrom."

  "Got it all from?" ses Bill, staring at her. "Why, from 'im."

  "Oh, of course," ses Mrs. Pearce. "I didn't think of that; but that onlymakes it the more wonderful, doesn't it?--because, you see, he didn't goon the Evening Star."

  "Wot?" ses George Hatchard. "Why you told me yourself--"

  "I know I did," ses Mrs. Pearce, "but that was only just to spare yourfeelings. Charlie was going to sea in her, but he was prevented."

  "Prevented?" ses two or three of 'em.

  "Yes," ses Mrs. Pearce; "the night afore he was to 'ave sailed there wassome silly mistake over a diamond ring, and he got five years. He gave adifferent name at the police-station, and naturally everybody thought 'ewent down with the ship. And when he died in prison I didn't undeceive'em."

  She took out her 'andkerchief, and while she was busy with it BillFlurry got up and went out on tiptoe. Young Alf got up a second or twoarterwards to see where he'd gone; and the last Joe Morgan and hismissis see of the happy couple they was sitting on one chair, and GeorgeHatchard was making desprit and 'artrending attempts to smile.

  A DISTANT RELATIVE