Monstrato

  Chapter 13

  It was lunchtime on a Monday, and Kearns's room was packed with kids. Hope and I were listening to Eric Cole tell us about Bobby. He said Bobby had constant headaches and was still feeling dizzy even though it'd been over two weeks since he got beat up.

  I said, "Man, he needs to go get himself checked out."

  Eric said, "I know. That's what I told him. They wanted to do an MRI or CAT scan on him, but Bobby wanted to go home."

  "He could have something really wrong with him, and he doesn't even know it."

  "Dude, he's got a broken occipital bone! It could have gone into his brain. I've been telling him that's nothing you wanna fuck around with, but he hasn't even gone back to the doctor since it happened."

  "What's he doing?" I asked.

  "Nothin'. Just laying around drinking Campbell's soup through a straw. He got fired from his job because he wouldn't bring them a doctor's note, but he ain't gonna be able to work for a while, anyway. I don't get it. I mean, he was already at the hospital. Why didn't he get that shit checked out? When I went back in the morning, he said they were gonna take him and do some tests. I said, 'That's fine, I got nowhere to go.' Then he comes walking out and he's like 'Let's go. Let's get the fuck out of here.' I guess he was worried the police were gonna come back or something."

  "What did he tell them?"

  "Not much. He told them he fell off a porch. Of course, they didn't believe him. Then they came out and started asking me and Chelsea, and we were like, 'Man, he called us and said he was hurt. We went over and picked him up and brought him here. That's all we know.'"

  I said, "Man, those boys are lucky they're not in jail right now. Imagine if he had died…they'd all be murderers."

  Eric nodded his head. "I know."

  We sat there for a moment thinking about this. Then I heard Hope clear her throat and say, "I wonder if Corena would get in trouble," real quietly, like she was talking to herself.

  I didn't understand what she meant, so I asked, "How's that? Corena wasn't even there."

  She stared at me for a moment, hesitating. Then she said, "Well…Corena was the one who told Keenan to beat up Bobby."

  "What do you mean Corena told Keenan?"

  She hesitated again with this blank look on her face like she was thinking about what to say. She said, "Well, on that Friday when Alley had her party, Corena and I were sitting in her mom's office, and Corena was talking to Keenan on the phone."

  I said, "Corena still talks to Keenan?"

  "I think he called to talk to Tammy because he wants to come back to school…But Corena was talking to him, and Keenan told her about the party at Alley's. Corena asked me if I was going, and I told her no, and she was like, 'Well, I'm not going because there are gonna be too many stupid people there.' Then she said, 'Hey Keenan, if Makayla's there with her freak boyfriend, why don't you do me a favor and beat his ass.' She said, 'I'm serious. I hate that faggot, and I'm still mad at him for what he said to me that one time.'"

  Eric and I must've been thinking the same thing, or at least, it seemed like we were. We were both just staring at Hope wondering, What the hell? She must have known it, too, because she looked down at the table and acted like she was thinking about something.

  I cried, "Hope…Why are you just telling us this now?"

  She said, "I forgot about it. I just thought of it now."

  "Bullshit!" I yelled, "How could you forget something like that?"

  "I don't know," she said in a pathetic voice.

  "I mean, don't you think that's something we would wanna know?"

  Eric said, "Man, that's fucked up."

  I could see it in my mind, Corena saying something like that. Corena never gave much thought to anything that came out of her mouth. She didn't have to. No one ever corrected her, no kids ever did, so she'd just say things, whatever she was feeling or whatever popped into her head. I could totally see her saying that, and I bet, at the time, she meant it. It took me a while to get really mad, about a minute, actually. Then suddenly, it was as if all of the anger and resentment I'd been holding for Corena for so long and everything I'd been trying to set aside for the last month and ignore—everything—all the bad feelings and all the times I gave her a pass for something she did going back the last two years, since I first knew her, came rushing back into my mind, and I felt a tremendous urge to confront her.

  I stood up, feeling fierce as hell with adrenaline running through my chest and arms and said, "I think I'm gonna go talk to Corena."

  Hope got a panicked look on her face and said, "Macy. No! She'll know I told you."

  I yelled, "Who cares, Hope! Just look at what she did!"

  She said, "Don't, Macy. I don't wanna get involved in this." But it was already too late because we saw Latisha get up and go running out of the room. I didn't even know she was in there, she'd been so quiet. I was sure she'd heard what we were talking about, and we all knew where she was going.

  I sat back down and glared at Hope. I thought about how Corena had opened her big mouth and broke up me and Calvin. Then she opened it again and had Makayla's boyfriend beat to a pulp. Even if she didn't mean for Bobby to end up the way he did, it wasn't fair. Fuck being fair; it was wrong. I started thinking about how Corena would run her mouth and behave however she wanted and nobody ever called her on it. That's what really got me pissed off because I knew what everyone would say—Oh, that's just how Corena is—as if we were supposed to just sit around and watch while she fucks shit up for everyone. I could see it already, how it was gonna go down. No one was gonna do anything, and thinking about it was making my blood boil.

  I said, "That bitch needs her ass whooped."

  Hope said, "Yeah, that's gonna help. Maybe we should stomp her like they did Bobby."

  I said, "Yeah, bitch! Stomp her ass!" banging my fist on the table. Then I started wishing I hadn't said it so loud. Some kids around us had caught on to what was happening, and I knew what they were thinking. I could see it on their faces. They were all waiting for a good fight, waiting for Macy to go off. I thought to myself, Fuck those kids, but at the same time, the idea of going off on Corena seemed more and more like the right thing to do.

  I heard Eric saying, "It doesn't matter what Corena said. Keenan and Trent and those guys are the ones who did it. Shit, Corena says all kinds of stupid stuff nobody listens to."

  But people do listen. We had to hear it all the time. I got this picture in my mind of Corena, pissed off about something, her red face twitching back and forth as she rattled out some mean-spirited bullshit. It was always the same—Corena dominating a room full of kids, trying to sound tough and spewing out hatred, and everyone wanting to tell her to go fuck herself but no one doing it.

  I felt my mind going hard and cold. I felt my chest heaving up and down as I breathed and my palms getting sweaty. Inside me, I could feel this chaotic anger swelling up—this uncontrollable rage that, whenever it got loose, always led to disaster. I kind of clamped down on myself and started weighing things in my mind. I tried to recall resolutions I'd made about dealing with Corena and not getting into anymore fights at school, but they seemed meaningless compared with how I was feeling right then. Because it wasn't just me wanting to fight Corena. It was all those kids wanting me to, hoping I would. And it seemed to me if there was ever a time someone needed to stand up to Corena, it was then. I knew no one else would.

  And I knew why. Because mixed in with this incredible anger that I felt towards Corena was a severe sense of dread. It was a fear of disaster where just the thought of doing something against Corena causes you to feel weak and vulnerable. I wasn't scared of getting suspended or kicked out of school. What I feared was the unknown devastation that I was sure would come thundering down if I incited the wrath of Corena or Tammy. Because, you see…no one ever opposed them, ever. It was something you just didn't do. But I felt like somebody needed to do something—somebody needed to have the guts. Hope was right. Me fighting Coren
a wouldn't change anything, but right then, I felt like I was gonna be ashamed of myself if I didn't.

  Hope looked worried and sat there working her lips together like she was cleaning her teeth with her tongue. Then we heard it, Corena screaming at the other end of the hall. She was storming mad and coming our way. We all looked at each other as her voice came closer, and people were exchanging nervous glances, waiting for her to come barreling through the door. I wanted to attack her. I wanted to run out the door, meet her in the hall and start swinging, and do to her what those boys did to Bobby…and keep doing it until someone stopped me. But for some reason, I couldn't get my body to move.

  Corena stormed into the room and charged right towards us, her mouth going full blast. For a moment, it looked like I wasn't gonna have a choice about fighting her. She stopped, pointed a finger at me, and said, "First, Macy, if you gotta problem with me, we can go outside and take care of it, right now!" Then, without even taking a breath, she had her hands on the table, was leaning across it with her face right in front of Hope's, saying, "So I hear you've been talking about me and telling a bunch of LIES."

  "It's not a lie," mumbled Hope. Her face was flinching like she thought she was gonna get hit. I thought she was gonna get hit, and I was sliding my chair away from the table so I'd be ready to tackle Corena.

  "It's a lie!" yelled Corena. She stood up straight, looked around the room, and said, "And don't none of you listen to her. She's a lying little bitch who likes to talk behind people's back." She leaned across the table at Hope again and said, "I let you be my friend, and you do this? You make up stories about me? You tell lies about me?" Corena stared painfully at Hope while Hope tried as best she could to return a cold stare. "You act like you're so innocent and everyone should feel sorry for you. Well, I'll give you something to feel sorry about…Is that what you want?…Huh?…You wanna feel sorry about something?"

  I thought for sure there was gonna be fighting now. Corena leaned even closer to Hope, and I could see Hope's lips starting to quiver. I was about to jump in and tell Corena to back off, but now I was stopped by something else—it was Corena's face. It had gotten all soft. Her eyelids started to close, and her lips began to form themselves into the craziest, sickest smile I've ever seen. She looked like she was about to open her mouth and stick her tongue down Hope's throat.

  Then, in a real quiet voice, Corena said, "I know things about you that you don't even know, Hope…Things that you don't even know about yourself…" She paused for a moment to let this sink in and said, "I do…Like you being adopted." Then she let out a little laugh and said, "I bet you didn't know you were adopted, did you?…What do you think about that?" She stood up again looking real self-satisfied, and her smile had changed to just plain nasty.

  I said, "Shut up, Corena. That's so stupid."

  She said, "Oh, yeah, well it's true. Your parents didn't even want you, Hope, so they put you up for adoption. That's how special you are."

  Hope was staring at Corena with a look of fear and confusion on her face.

  I said, "How the fuck would you know that? Ignore her, Hope."

  Corena said, "Ohhh, but I do know…" She leaned over the table again at Hope and said, "I read your IEP, your Individual Education Program, and it says right on there that You—Were—Adopted—Ha!" She stood up looking all surly and said, "So why don't you think about that for a while, you little bitch." Then she turned and marched out of the room, almost knocking over Mr. Moss who was coming to the door.

  Mr. Moss stood in the doorway, looked at us, and said, "Is there a problem here?" and we all just ignored him. Hope looked scared. Her eyes were crossed like she was trying to fathom something. I thought, for sure, she was going to run out of the room and head for the bathroom.

  I said, "Don't listen to her, Hope. That's the craziest fucking shit I've ever heard."

  "Watch your mouth, Macy," said Mr. Moss, who was still standing in the doorway.

  Hope's perfect skin was turning an ashy shade of green. She said, "I don't know."

  I said, "Hope! You're not adopted. She's being stupid."

  "But it says that kind of stuff on an IEP."

  "It's not gonna say you were adopted."

  "But it would. It says everything, like when your parents were divorced, where you went to pre-school, how many brothers and sisters you have. I heard them read it once."

  I asked, "But why would it say all that stuff?"

  Eric said sarcastically, "So the special ed teachers can figure out what your problems are."

  I said, "She's just trying to make you upset, Hope. If you were adopted, your mom would've told you." But as I said it, I got this picture of Hope's mom in my mind, the way I always saw her—tight faded jeans, stretched out t-shirt, her dry skin, her bangs and dry sandy hair, a cigarette hanging from her mouth. I could hear her voice and the way she pronounced Hope's name, how it always came out Hoooope. The way she said Hope's name, it always sounded twice as long as it needed to be and so sad and depressed…And all of a sudden I felt like I was gonna cry.

  I heard a far off voice. It was Mr. Moss saying, "Hope, why don't you come with me."

  And that's when I snapped. I jumped up out of my chair and said, "I think I'm gonna go beat that bitch's ass."

  Mr. Moss said, "Settle down, Macy."

  I started walking towards the doorway and could feel tears starting to run down my cheeks. I looked right at Mr. Moss and said, "Screw you. You guys are running a bunk-ass school here. Now get the hell outa my way!" I tried to push past Mr. Moss, but he pushed me back into the room.

  He yelled, "Settle down, Macy!"

  I screamed at him hysterically, "Forget you, man. I'm tired of that bitch thinking she can get away with this crap." And now I really was crying.

  I tried to push past him again, but this time, he stepped back into the hall and put his arm on the lockers to block me. He pointed towards the junior high classrooms and said, "Go to my room, Macy."

  I stood there in the doorway for a second. I glanced down the hallway in the direction Corena had gone and thought about making a dash for it.

  He said, "I'll restrain you if I have to, Macy, because you're trying to start a fight. Now go to my room…Now!"

  I looked back at Hope. She was still sitting there, not even paying attention to me. She had her head turned to the side, looking at the floor. I started to walk back into the room, but Mr. Moss grabbed my arm and said, "No, let's go. We're going to my room," and started pulling me down the hall towards his classroom.

  I felt panic running through me as I thought of Hope, sitting in Kearns's classroom, looking the way she did. I wanted to be with her…to be there for her. I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. When we were almost to Mr. Moss's room, I said, "I'm sorry, Mr. Moss. Can I go talk to Hope?"

  He said, "No. We'll take care of Hope. I want you to sit in here and get yourself settled down."

  I hesitated at the door.

  Mr. Moss said, "Go sit," and pointed to the back corner of his classroom where he had a special desk for kids who were in trouble. I slowly walked between the rows and slumped into the desk. When he saw I was sitting down, he told me to stay there, and left. A bunch of seventh graders were in the room eating their lunch, and they started asking me what I did. I ignored them, put my head down on the desk, and closed my eyes.

  What the hell is going on, I thought? What if Corena's right? It just didn't seem possible. But why did Mr. Moss want Hope to go with him? What was that about? And why wouldn't Hope's mom have told her? As the questions raced through my head, one after another, I felt high, like when you're high and you don't wanna be—like last year when I'd come back from lunch after smoking weed with Calvin, and I'd go to Mrs. Garrison's class and get all nervous and panicky. That's how I felt right then, nervous and panicky, because I had so many questions and no answers. I kept asking myself, "Why would Corena say that about Hope being adopted?" I knew she was mad at Hope, but why would she say that—
the same thing Hope read on a table not even a month ago? Why didn't she just hit Hope, like she'd normally do?

  As I sat there with my head on the desk, feeling my heart beating fast, there was one thought that disturbed me the most. It was that Corena didn't make things up about people. Oh, she'll lie right to your face about anything if it's convenient for her, but she didn't make up lies about people. She didn't have to because she wasn't scared of anyone—she wasn't scared to tell you the truth.

  At the end of the day, when Mr. Moss let his kids go, he told me to stay behind so he could talk to me. He said he was suspending me for a day for cussing at him and that he'd already called my mom. He said he would've liked to have suspended me for more days, but suspensions didn't seem to have any effect when it came to me controlling my mouth. He also said I'd racked up so many suspensions that year that if I got any more, they were gonna have to call an expulsion hearing, and he didn't want to see that happen. Then he started lecturing me on having self-control and respect for adults, saying all kinds of things I'd heard him say before. I tried to appear interested, but all I could think about was Hope.

  When he finally let me go, I went running down the hall looking for her, but some kids told me she'd already gone home. I went to my locker, got my phone and tried calling her, but there was no answer—and Hope always answered her phone. So I sent her a text, then grabbed my jacket and some books I needed, and started walking out of school. As I passed by Tammy's office, I glanced in to see if Corena was there, but the room was empty. Out in the parking lot, I remembered that Lori and Chelsea hadn't even come to school that day. I didn't see anyone else who could give me a ride, so I stood there chewing my fingernails and hitting Hope's number on my speed dial while I waited for my mom to pick me up.

  When I got in the car with my mom, she wanted me to explain to her why I got suspended, and this time, I told her everything, the whole story, starting with me, Eric, and Hope sitting in Kearns's room. It was weird. She seemed distracted. After I told her what happened, she didn't ask any questions like she usually does. She just said, "Something funny's going on at that school," and shook her head. And she didn't say anything the rest of the way home, but just drove the car, looking real thoughtful. Then, when we were about to go into the house, she said, "It seems like that Corena is a real mean girl."

  I couldn't figure it out, why my mom was being so quiet. Usually, she's real interested in any kind of high school drama, but she didn't ask any more about it after we got home or during dinner. I was so anxious about Hope, I felt like I needed to talk to somebody. So after dinner, when my mom was bent over the sink washing dishes, I asked her, "Mom, do you think Hope's adopted?"

  She said, "Honey, I have no idea." She sounded irritated by the question, so I let it drop. But as I started to walk away, she said, "Oh, Macy, when I talked to Mr. Moss today, he said he thinks you have anger problems and that you should see someone, which is the same thing I've been saying for months. So I'm gonna talk to my sister and see if she knows anybody." Now, usually something like this would have led to big argument, but I didn't say anything. I stood there waiting for her to say more, but she didn't. She just wiped her hands on a towel, walked into the living room, and turned on the TV.

  That evening, I spent about three hours on the front porch smoking cigarettes, freezing my ass off, and talking on the phone. I tried calling Hope on her cell and home phone, but nobody picked up. She wouldn't even answer my texts. It just made me more worried because, after what happened at school that day, Hope should've called—any other time she would've. I called Lori and then Chelsea and told them what happened. They weren't surprised that Corena told Keenan to beat up Bobby, and they both had the same questions I had—Why did Hope wait so long to tell us about it? And what made her decide to tell us, now? They asked me if I thought it was true about Hope being adopted, and I said I didn't know. All I could tell them was what went down in Kearns's room that day. When I finally went to bed, I felt frustrated and anxious. And wouldn't you know it, I had insomnia, which I hate more than anything.