Monstrato

  Chapter 14

  Homeroom always seemed so bright—fluorescent lights, three white, smudged walls, a white ceiling, and white floor. Even the dark blue paint that covered the fourth wall seemed super-reflective. And all those wide-awake kids, the ones who've already been up for two hours and are so excited to be at school—they always got on my nerves when I first walked into homeroom. If they weren't busy running around the room, they'd be yapping, making all kinds of noise, and acting childish. Whenever I got there, I just wanted to relax and gather my thoughts, or maybe get a little more sleep before class started. Instead, I always found myself having to listen to whatever bullshit they were trippin' on. The day after my suspension, kids were already talking about Hope's mom coming to school the day before. And as soon as Sierra Brand saw me, she came running over and said, "I heard you were in the room the other day when Corena told Hope."

  "I was."

  She asked, "Are you gonna fight Corena?" My body started to tense up, and I could feel evil words forming in my throat. I looked at her standing there with her big, bright eyes and excited face. I could tell she wasn't thinking at all about the fact that only a month earlier I'd tried to kick her ass. And why? Why did I want to beat her up? It was basically for the same type of questioning about what I'd done or what I was gonna do. I just didn't think this bitch should be sticking her nose in my business for whatever reason. We weren't friends. I didn't even like her, but she didn't seem to understand this no how. You could tell just by the way she stood there waiting for me to answer, she was fucking clueless.

  I looked at her like I didn't understand her question and said, "No?…Why would I wanna fight Corena?"

  She said, "Well, someone said you were gonna."

  I shook my head, furrowed my brow, and said, "No, I wasn't planning on it." Then I asked, "How about you? Are you gonna fight Corena?"

  She was surprised by my question. She smiled a little and got this embarrassed look about her, like I was putting her on, and said, "No?"

  I said, "No? Why not? Why don't you kick her ass?" I watched confusion spread across her face. She tried to say something, and her lips started to move. Then she started backing away from me. I looked around the room at the other kids and asked, "Why should I fight Corena? When did she become my problem? Why's it always gotta be me, huh? Why don't one of you go kick her ass?"

  Nobody said anything. They were all looking at me like they thought I was gonna snap. Then I heard someone say, "We're all too scared." It was Karl Knott. He was sitting at the back of the room, scrunched down in that big, dirty coat of his, wearing a goofy smile.

  I said, "That's right. You're all too scared."

  I picked up my purse and was about to leave the room when Chelsea and Lori came in. First thing they wanted to know was whether I'd talked to Hope. I told them no, and we started wondering to each other about what she must be going through. They told me again about what happened the day before with Hope's mom, and we talked about her for a while. Then Ms. Strauss came in hauling this milk crate stuffed with books and papers that she was always carrying around. She said, "Good morning, everyone," but when her eyes landed on me, I swear I saw her jump, like she was scared of me or something. I thought to myself, That's odd. Why would she be scared of me? I've never threatened her or any teachers. Then I started getting that feeling again—the feeling that people have been talking about me behind my back.

  By second period, I could tell that Tammy and Corena weren't gonna be coming to school that day. It didn't surprise me. That's what they'd always do after they created a big mess—hide out at home, wait for everyone to forget about whatever it was they'd done. I was relieved they weren't there because if they had been, it would've been super-tense.

  Seemed like the only thing kids could talk about was Hope being adopted. Didn't matter if they had most the facts muddled because it wasn't so much Hope they were interested in—it was the idea of being adopted and not knowing about it. The thought seemed to captivate and scare them at the same time. Maybe they were all wondering if they were adopted, too, and thinking that if it could happen to Hope, why not them? We'd be in the middle of class and kids would start discussing it, and when I looked around the room, I could tell, even the kids who weren't saying anything were thinking about it. Then the teachers would tell us it's none of our business and that we shouldn't be discussing other student's personal matters, but that didn't stop them. No one was talking about Tammy or Corena or how Corena knew that Hope was adopted. And nobody seemed interested in the fact that Corena had told Keenan to beat up Bobby. It was all about adoption. Everyone seemed fascinated by the idea that they might be adopted and not even know it.

  I knew I wasn't adopted, and the only thing I could think about was Hope. I kept picturing her in my head, seeing her all alone and looking terribly sad. I tried to imagine the thoughts that were going through her mind, and the more I tried, the more I realized how much I didn't know about her. All of sudden, she seemed vague and distant, like someone I used to know but not that well. It was as if, by knowing she was adopted, she'd become a different person to me, which didn't make sense. I wanted to be near her. I wanted to hear her voice and talk to her, and throughout the entire day, I felt an anxious urge to make contact with her. I kept telling myself I was concerned and I wanted to make sure she was gonna be all right. That's how I would have explained it at the time, but deep down, I knew it was me needing to see her.

  I'd tried calling her at lunch but still got no answer. Then after school, when I saw Garrett in the hallway talking to Andy, I about panicked trying to think of what to do. Garrett hadn't been at school that day, either, but had showed up at 2:30 to do his janitor job. I was panicking because he was the one person who could tell me what I wanted to know. Problem was, Garrett really was an asshole—a real negative, fuck-with-you type of person. He'd be real friendly and arrogant to you one day. Next day, he won't even talk to you. He was always on some kinda power trip, and there was no telling how he was going to use Hope's problem as an opportunity to piss people off. I didn't want to just walk right up and ask him about it because he might not tell me. So instead, I hung out down the hall outside of Kearns's room and acted like I was organizing the homework I was holding.

  I could hear Garrett telling Andy about some band he saw on YouTube, and it reminded me of how much I disliked him. He wasn't thinking about Hope. He wasn't worried about anything, was busy thinking about music videos and hate bands and all that other boy crap he was into. As I watched him down the hall, I started imagining all the nasty things I could say to him. I was going over each one and trying to choose the one that would do the most damage, and then I caught myself and went back to concentrating on finding out about Hope. I decided I'd act like I didn't know anything about Hope's situation, then maybe he'd wanna tell me.

  He came down the hall towards me looking all self-absorbed and doing this twitch thing with his head to get the hair out of his eyes. When he passed by, he looked at me through his bangs, kinda nodded, and said, "Hey, Macy."

  I said, "Hey." Then, as he turned to go into Kearns's room, I said, "Oh, hey, Garrett, I've been trying to get in touch with Hope the last couple days. Have you talked to her?"

  He stopped and looked over his shoulder at me with his face kinda scrunched up and one eye closed. He said, "Yeahhhhh…well, I can tell you she probably doesn't want to talk to you right now."

  As soon as he said that, I forgot my whole plan and blurted out, "How's she doing? Have you seen her?"

  Still not turned all the way around, he said, "I've seen her, but I couldn't tell you how she's doing," shaking his head.

  "Whaddya mean?"

  He put his hand up on a locker and leaned over in a tired, irritated way and said, "Well, I was over there last night and she and her mom just kept yelling at each other. Then they both started crying, then they started yelling again. I had to get out of there. I couldn't deal with it."

  "So she really is adopted
?"

  He said, "Yeah, that's what her mom says, but I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like it's gonna change anything." Then, he stood up straight and strutted into Kearns's room.

  Garrett was a fucking retard, and I don't care how smart everyone said he was. He just didn't have any feelings, even at a time like that. I mean, if he'd taken a moment, like everybody else in the school had done, and considered what it might be like to find out you were adopted, then he would see how it was gonna change some things. That's why I hated that fucker because he had to have considered it. I watched through the doorway as Garrett started hassling this other janitor Jason—who was a real retard with real feelings and the guy who all the other janitors picked on.

  After talking to Garrett, I felt like I really needed to go see Hope. I ran out to the parking lot and found Lori and talked her into driving me to Hope's house. Lori was totally against the idea of us going over there. She kept asking me, "What are you gonna say?"

  I told her, "I don't know what I'm gonna say. What the fuck does it matter?"

  She said, "Well, I'm not bothering her. I'm telling you, Macy, she's probably too much of a mess to want to talk to us."

  I said, "She'll appreciate it, Lori, that we care."

  When we got there, Lori said she wanted to wait in the car. I got out and walked down the sidewalk and went through the gate into Hope's yard. Hope must have seen us pull up because as soon as I went through the gate, she came out the front door and started walking down the steps. Her hair was down and kind of hanging around her face, but when she got to the bottom of the steps and looked up, her face was shining and beautiful. She looked almost happy.

  I said, "Hey, girl, how you doing?"

  She said, "Good, I guess."

  "Yeah? We were worried about you."

  Her eyes went to the ground. She pressed her lips tight together and started moving them around like she was thinking about something. Then she looked down the street, sort of squinting, and said, "You know that thing Corena said to me the other day? Well, it's true."

  "I know. I'm so sorry, Hope."

  She said, "It's all right," in a weak voice that sounded like it was about to crack. "It explains everything, like why my mom doesn't love me and why we're so different."

  "Oh, Hope, she loves you."

  She looked right at me and said, "Then why didn't she tell me? Why would she go this long without telling me?"

  "I don't know…but she loves you, Hope. I know she does."

  She said, "I'm so mad at her…and I haven't even talked to my dad about it." Then she started to cry. I put my arms around her and hugged her, but she didn't hug back. She felt cold and stiff. She said, "He's coming over tonight to talk."

  I said, "That's good, Hope. He cares about you." I let go of her because it felt weird to hug someone who wasn't hugging back.

  "It's gonna suck," she said. "That's just what I want to do is sit there and talk to those two liars…and listen to them make excuses for not telling me."

  I looked past Hope and saw her mom standing at the front door. When we made eye contact, she opened the screen door and asked, "You all right, Hope?" Hope stood there with her back to her mom, not saying anything. Then her mom said, "Hi, Macy. Thanks for coming by." I didn't wanna act friendly towards her, but I couldn't help myself, so I gave her a fake smile, which felt really awkward.

  She looked helpless standing up there, like she wanted to do something or say something but she didn't know what. I wanted to be mad at her, but I couldn't. And the more she stood there, holding the door open and looking down at us, the more pathetic she looked. It made me feel so bad for Hope, seeing her mom looking that way, and I felt my eyes starting to tear up. I felt bad for Hope's mom, too, because I knew her, and she seemed like a good person—like someone who tried. In fact, that's what made the whole thing so sad. She seemed like a person who'd tried so hard to get it right and do the right things, but still got it all fucked up. And now, Hope was suffering for it. Hope's mom went back inside, but she left the inside door open, and I imagined she was in there watching us.

  When I looked back at Hope, she had tears running down her face. I said, "Let me give you a hug, Hope." She put her arms out and I hugged her, and this time, she hugged me back. I said, "We're all thinking about you, girl." But as we stood there holding each other, I started feeling this tremendous urge to leave and get out of there as fast as I could. Because now I was crying, and as soon as I started to cry, it hit me. I suddenly felt foolish and insignificant. It was as if, through Hope's hug, I could feel the entire weight of what she was going through, and I realized it had nothing to do with me. I understood why Hope didn't call me back, and I felt like an intruder and started wondering why I'd gone over there.

  We let go of each other, and just as I was about to say goodbye, she asked, "Is everybody talking about it at school?"

  I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to tell her the truth and say, "Yes, that's all anybody can talk about," because I knew it would bother her. So I said, "Everyone's behind you, Hope." Then I added, "And they all hate Corena, and they miss you and want you to come back."

  She said, "My mom wants me to go to another school."

  I said, "No, you gotta come back. We need you." I felt stupid saying it. I knew I wouldn't want to come back, and the way I said it, it came out sounding so weak. I searched for something else to say but couldn't think of anything, and I started feeling more anxious than ever. Hope seemed so strong and together, and I felt weak and fragile compared to her. It didn't seem right. Seemed like the only reason she was out there talking to me was for my sake, and I wanted to leave and let her be, but I couldn't figure out a way to excuse myself.

  I said, "There's Lori over there. She was scared to get out of the car."

  Hope waved at Lori, and Lori waved back. Then Lori got out of her car and came into the yard. She gave Hope a hug and said, "I'm real sorry for you, Hope."

  Hope said, "It's okay."

  Lori let go of her, stepped back, and said, "So, you finally ready to come out drinking with us? Get all fucked up?" This made Hope laugh. Lori said, "How about Garrett? He could come too and be like our designated driver. We'll put him in charge of the tunes or something." Hope was smiling now, and the feeling inside of me started to go away. Then Lori said, "Hey, listen, I wouldn't worry about who your real parents are. They gotta be better than mine." I wanted to slug Lori when she said that—she was always saying the worst things—but Hope was still smiling, so I let it go. The three of us talked for a few more minutes, then Lori and I left. We told Hope to call us anytime she wanted to talk, but I doubted she would.