House on Fire

Chapter 72

  “Sit down a minute, Jess. We have to talk.”

  “Oh, okay, is something wrong?”

  “Well, something’s bothering me. It’s about sex.”

  “Twice a day isn’t enough?”

  I laughed, “No, that part is wonderful. Everything about it is wonderful.”

  “Then what’s the matter?”

  “I really like that you tell me what you want. It helps me a lot. I’m trying to get better at that myself.”

  “That’s good. You have, actually. I love to hear you talk to me.”

  “I know, but the other night you asked me to talk dirty to you, and I had no idea what to say.”

  She giggled. “I know. It’s really sweet of you to try, but I can tell it’s just not your thing. Don’t worry about it.”

  “No, I want you to teach me. I want it to be fun for you.”

  “Should I write down some juicy phrases for you to try? Maybe on index cards?”

  “Yeah, actually that’d help. And anything I shouldn’t say. I know there are words you don’t like, and I’m not sure how far I can go without hurting your feelings.”

  “You aren’t going to offend me, Sweetheart. Anything we say in the heat of passion is alright. If something ever bothers me, we can talk about it later, just like this. I’d rather have you lose your inhibitions than to ever hold back.”

  “Okay, I’ll try.”

  “Actually, I was thinking…”

  “What?”

  “If I asked sometime, would you call me Sis?”

  “Um, I thought we said…”

  “I know. Just in bed, though. I had fantasies for so long… I think it might be exciting.”

  “Have some fun with the taboo, huh?”

  “Something like that, yeah.”

  “I don’t see why not. But look, Jess, there’s something else. Last night you asked me to grip your wrists and hold you down real hard…”

  “Oh, my God, that was so awesome!”

  “Really? If we’re playing roles, I’m not comfortable with that one. It creeped me out.”

  “Why?”

  “Um, because when we met, you had bruises on your wrists.”

  “Oh, shit! I didn’t think about how you might feel. I’m so sorry.”

  “No, it’s fine I guess, as long as you’re okay. It’s just something that’s always stuck with me. It makes me angry when I think about it.”

  “Oh, Sweetie, I love that you’re so sensitive, but it’s time to let that go. I can’t forget that it happened, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Not to me.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yeah. Just these last few nights with you have changed how I feel. My body, my sex, it belongs to me now, and I love sharing it with you. I trust you completely, I’m safe with you. Definitely safe enough for that. But we don’t have to do it again if it really bothers you.”

  “No, I guess I’m good. I just thought we needed to talk about it.” I grinned. “Judging by your reaction, it’s worth doing again.”

  A sheepish smile crept onto her face. “I was kinda loud, wasn’t I?”

  That week was busy with boxes of books arriving, reading assignments, and pre-class studies. Dave and Beth got books on pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Jess and I got books on grieving and marriage. We bought and assembled bookcases. We read a lot, sometimes aloud to each other, and worked through exercises from the books. We did some more grocery shopping, fixed meals, did laundry, and vacuumed.

  Beth’s dad flew back in on Wednesday. She and Dave met him for lunch at a restaurant by the airport, and didn’t come back until dinnertime.

  “How did it go?”

  “Really well, Mike,” Dave beamed. “He’s going to let us get married.”

  “He is? What changed his mind?”

  “He said it was the least awful of very few options.”

  “That’s not a ringing endorsement.”

  “No, he said you’d understand it, though.”

  “Yeah, I guess so. Come sit at the table, tell us all about it.”

  “He’s not too happy,” Beth said, “But he can live with it, and that’s good enough for us.”

  Jess was excited. “Do you have a date?”

  “Not yet,” Beth said. “He asked us to hold off until he could be there. I’m too young to do anything without his signature, so we don’t have much choice. He’s taken off a lot of time, and his boss is shorthanded. As he says, oil never sleeps. We want to do it back in Michigan so everyone can be there.”

  “Oh, Mike, Jim said he’d call you tonight. He wants you to stay on as Beth’s temporary guardian if you can.”

  “For now I’m happy to, but I really have no idea how much longer I’ll be able. My symptoms are getting worse. You may have to figure that into your plans, too. Once you’re married you won’t need me.”

  I shot him a look.

  “Legally, I mean.”

  “How did it go with him and your mom?”

  “Not well. He said it was probably the worst day of his life. They’re looking into an annulment.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Beth,” I said, “Though I’m not too surprised.”

  “He said that his talk with me was a major reality check for him, way past due. Cory, I don’t think I thanked for what you did.”

  “You’re welcome. I’m just glad it worked.”

  “No, I really mean it. You made a big difference in our lives.”

  “I’m glad. I’ll remind you of that when you’re arguing over dirty diapers this summer.” Beth beamed at the thought. I hadn’t noticed, but she did have a kind of glow about her.

  Dad took Jess and me to get our Colorado driver’s licenses. The guy at the counter called us Mr. and Mrs. Laine. Our pictures even came out well.

  “Congratulations, guys,” Dad told us as Jess drove us home. “This’s a big step in becoming independent adults. I’m proud of you. But don’t let this make you complacent – that’s when you start to make stupid mistakes.”

  “Like what?”

  “Changing lanes without signaling, like you just did. I know that nobody was in your blind spot, but that’s because I looked. You didn’t. If this is how you drive with me in the back seat, you aren’t going to keep those licenses very long on your own.”

  “Thanks, Daddy. It’s easy to forget.”

  I took the truck and got an oil change that afternoon. It was my first solo outing. The guy at the shop was in his twenties, and he called me sir. That felt kind of weird, but in a good way. He had a burn scar on his right hand and arm, and he saw me looking at it.

  “Careless with gasoline,” he explained. “Yours?”

  “House fire, a long time ago.”

  “It’s good to survive,” he observed.

  After that I stopped by the pharmacy to stock up on condoms and inhalers, and then found a hardware store. I bought a couple of those detachable shower nozzles, some tools, and a bunch of smoke detectors.

  Jessie took the truck and went to try out the local dojo. While she was out I installed the new fixtures.

  “Thanks, Cory. That’s really cool,” Dave said.

  “They’re really handy, especially if you shower together.” Dave just grinned.

  “Why the smoke alarms? We already have one.”

  “It’s just a little extra protection.”

  When I was done, I picked one of our marriage books, reading about different styles of managing money. I took the quiz and got a nine, a hard-core saver. I wondered what Jess would get. I heard the truck pull up outside, and got up to greet her at the door.

  “How was it?”

  “Interesting. They do things a little differently. It seems less competitive, and I don’t know, gentler. I figure I’ll try it for a while. They said that there’s a karate club at the community college, too. I don’t know if I can join, but they’re meeting next week. I’ll check it out.”

  Sunday morning Dad came with us t
o Concordia Lutheran. I liked it a lot and felt really comfortable there. Dad pointed out an item in the newsletter about the church forming a bereavement group.

  “It starts next Thursday. You and your sis… um, your wife should join that.”

  “We’ll talk about it.”

  “That wasn’t really a suggestion.”

  “Oh. Well yeah, when you put it that way, I guess we really should.”

  We stayed after the service for coffee, and signed up for the group.

  I wasn’t really prepared for the conversations.

  “So, how did you two meet?”

  I tuned to Jessie, and I’m sure she saw the panic in my eyes. She just smiled and said, “We knew each other as kids. I was kind of the girl next door.”

  “That’s really sweet. You look too young to be married.”

  “Yeah, we’re sixteen, but we had consent.

  “Wow.”

  “It’s not unusual in our family.”

  “So I guess Mike is your dad, Cory?” I nodded. “Your mom isn’t here though?”

  “No,” I said, “She died a few years ago.”

  “Was she sick?”

  “No, there was a fire at our house.”

  “And where are your folks from, Jessie?”

  “Overseas. I lost my mom, too.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.”

  “That’s okay, thanks.”

  “Can I ask you guys something personal?”

  “I guess,” Jessie said cautiously.

  “Do people ever give you a hard time because you’re…”

  “What?”

  “An interracial couple?”

  Jessie laughed. “I’ve never been asked that before. I never thought of us that way, but I guess we are. It’s just not how we define ourselves.”

  Back at home, I said, “You handled that deftly.”

  “It’s true, and I think it’s all people have to know. Hey, Cory? Do you still think of us as siblings?”

  “No, we stopped being brother and sister the moment we said I do.”

  “Which time?”

  “For me? The first time, on the beach. I mean, we’ll always have our history before that, and I treasure it, but where we came from doesn’t matter now. What matters is where we’re going.”

  She smiled.

  I got hold of Liz later, and she told me that they’d put Spaz on some meds, and had him in a group of kids with impulse disorders.

  “I’ll bet he has a hard time sitting through that,” I joked.

  “Actually he seems to like it there. He’s really not in a hurry to come back home to the chaos.”

  “Oh yeah? How’s your mom?”

  “She got into a fight with Julie, and it got violent. I had to call the cops. I’m serving as the head of the house right now. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. Is Julie okay?”

  “Physically, yeah, but we’re all pretty freaked.”

  “Is there anything we can do?”

  “Not unless you can get me a job. We have no income.”

  “You need to stay in school, Liz. Would it be okay if we sent you some money?”

  “Sure, I guess.”

  “Okay, I don’t know the best way to do this, but I’ll have Dad set something up.”

  “Um, okay. Thanks.”

  After the New Year weekend, the real schoolwork started. I was used to fast-paced instruction, but this was intense. Mr. Ransid used the tests to figure out where I was weak, and concentrated on those areas. In addition to continuing all the classes I was taking in high school, there was geology, poetry, astronomy, and literature, one after another. It seemed my workload was twice that of the others.

  “Is all this necessary for a diploma, Dad?”

  “It’s necessary for yours. I want you to have lots of choices in life, and for you that means challenging your mind. You have the brains and the discipline to handle it. The others have different goals.”

  “Like what?”

  “Beth and Dave need to get their credentials before the baby is born. That’ll make a huge difference in their lives. They’re concentrating just on what will be on the test. Dave is close. Beth has further to go, but she’s quick. They’ll make it.”

  “And Jessie?”

  “She needs to find what inspires her, so she’s working on the basics, trying a little bit of everything. Once she latches onto something, she’ll run with it on her own. So will you, but your problem will be choosing a direction with so many interests and options open to you.

  “I want all of you to graduate by May, though I recognize that Jessie might need a little longer. I want you both to start college in the fall. I want you to have momentum. I need you to start picturing how you want your life to be. You need that kind of vision to break out of your comfort zone.”

  “Dad, I don’t even know where my comfort zone is anymore. Don’t get me wrong, my life is wonderful and I’m happy, but I worry about…”

  “What, Son?”

  “After you…”

  “After I die? It’s alright to say it. That’s good, I’m glad you’re looking ahead. We should probably have a family meeting, and I’ll catch you guys up on what I’ve been thinking, okay? Maybe tonight after dinner.”

  I figured I’d better warn Jessie what was coming.

  “Good. I’m glad he feels ready for that.”

  “I’m not ready for it, though.”

  “Cory, I know you. You’ll feel better when you know the plan. This’ll be okay.”

  “But I’m so scared Jess. I can barely think about it without getting shaky.”

  “Yeah, I’m scared, too. But remember that first summer together? We were just kids, but we did okay. Next to right now, that was probably the happiest time of my life.”

  “It did have its moments, didn’t it? Still, if I start bawling tonight, I’ve warned you.”

  Jess cooked a big pot of chili and the five of us ate dinner together. Dad asked Beth and Dave to clean up while we went over to his place.

  We sat at his table and he handed us each a small stack of papers.

  “Okay, I want to break this up into a couple different parts. The first part is a family business meeting. I think that the unknown creates fear, and I don’t want you to be afraid of anything that’s going to happen. This is stuff that’s already decided, and I just want you guys to know. The Judge has been working with me and will be taking care of all the details, and I don’t expect you to have to do anything.

  “The first document is an Advance Medical Directive. It basically says that I don’t want to be on artificial life support, and gives the Judge power to order it stopped. The second is a DNR, a Do Not Resuscitate order. When I’m done breathing I don’t anyone pounding on my chest or shocking me.”

  “And if we disagree?” I asked.

  “It’s my decision, not yours. I want you to know my wishes and honor them. I want you to show me that respect. Do you agree that’s fair?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “I don’t want to drag this out, so I’m going to move on. The next thing is a copy of my will. Everything we own, the house, the truck, tools and such, are already being transferred into both your names as joint property. There’s also some insurance, enough to cover expenses and taxes. Again, Judge Franks is the executor, and he’ll take care of all the details.”

  “The last things are the funeral arrangements. They’re all set and paid for. Anderson’s, back in Esky, is coordinating everything with the Yampa Valley Home here. I already picked out a casket. Mahogany, Cory, I think you’ll like it. The funeral will be at Bethany, and of course I’ll be buried next to Mom in Lakeview. Anderson’s will make sure the marker is updated.

  “When I go, all I need you to do is pick up the phone and call the Judge. Tell him it’s time. Do you understand?

  “Yeah, Dad.”

  “Good,” he sighed, “We made it through that. Come sit
on the couch and let’s talk, okay? We settled in on either side of him. “How’s it going with your books on grieving?”

  “It’s interesting,” Jessie said. “We were each feeling sad about the loss of our home and friends, but hadn’t really thought of it as grieving. It makes more sense now.”

  “What about you, Son?”

  “Losing you terrifies me. It’s so strange living without you. I miss our old routines. I miss the smell of coffee in the morning. We probably see you as much now as we ever did, but I still miss your presence. It’s weird.”

  “I think it’s great that you two are making your own routines. I think it’ll help a lot when I’m gone. I want you to have a new kind of normal, one where you’re more independent. I still love spending time with you, but your main focus should be on getting ready to be on your own.”

  “I don’t want to talk about you dying.”

  “Not talking about it won’t make it go away, Son. It’s part of our lives, and I won’t let you pretend otherwise.”

  “I guess I’m happier in the denial stage, Dad.”

  “Have you experienced bargaining?”

  “Like trying to make a deal with God? Yeah, but I don’t have any faith in that. I’ve gotten angry with him, too, but I know that’s just as useless.”

  He patted my shoulder.

  “So you’ve reached depression?”

  “Yeah. Sometimes I just break down crying, even though you’re still here.”

  “But you know I’m going, and you’re already grieving the loss. That’s good. That means it will probably be easier to handle when it does happen.”

  “I already miss your cooking,” Jessie said.

  He laughed. “My feet are numb a lot now, Bug, so I try not to spend too much time standing. Besides, I kind of like having you guys cook for me.”

  “Anything special you’d like?”

  “That chili you made tonight was great. But maybe you should get more creative. It’s easy to get in a rut.”

  “True, but that might be something for the future. Right now having familiar meals is kind of reassuring. You know, when so much else has changed?”

  “I’m with you, Jess.”

  “Okay. What else?”

  “It’s so strange driving without you,” Jess said. “I was so excited to get that independence, but now that I have it, it seems… hollow, I guess. Do you feel that way too, Sweetie?”

  “Not so much for me, though I feel a little more paranoid driving alone, knowing there’s no second set of eyes watching out.”

  “Those are good things. They’re just part of growing up, and it’s normal. It’s common to feel a little let down when you achieve a goal. You just have to keep setting new ones. What did you find out about the church group?”

  “It starts tomorrow night. They said there’s going to be at least five other people in it.”

  “Good. Make sure you attend that every week. You need to have a support system in place. I’m thinking you might want to find a therapist, too. You have a lot to work through emotionally this year. I know you didn’t have a good experience before, Cory, but it’s worth another try.”

  “I thought the guy was great, actually. I just couldn’t talk about my problems back then. It was too dangerous. It’s a good idea, and I think I’ll be okay now. How are you doing with all of this, Dad?”

  “It’s tough to adapt to limitations. I can’t go out for a walk. It’s not safe for me to drive any more. I don’t like being dependent on other people. I’m getting a personal care worker once I need help with hygiene and stuff.”

  “Daddy, we could…”

  “Don’t even think about it. Your plates are full, and I wouldn’t tolerate it anyway. I want to keep what little dignity I can.”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  Every night after dinner Jess and I talked with Dad. Sometimes he’d tell us stories about his life, usually with a message or nugget of wisdom. Other times we’d talk about Mom. It was such a relief for me to be able to do that without the anger and shame I’d had.

  He got us used to talking about losing him. Sometimes it ended in tears, but mostly it was good just to feel close to him. Then his care worker would help him to the other end of the building and get him ready for bed.

  We’d do homework together, and then make love before turning in. Jessie still slept curled up with my arm around her. Sometimes I’d sing to her.

  With permission from my new doctor I tapered off of the anxiety meds and started sleeping better. Every day I woke up excited and grateful for my life. In the morning we’d make love again, or sleep in a little longer. We’d shower together, and then Dad and the others joined us for breakfast.

  The days were jammed, and we all got a little stir-crazy sitting in the dining room all day, so the four of us started going out for lunch at a restaurant while Dad napped on the couch. We’d order interesting things to take him back for his lunch – he never knew what he might get.

  One day we got a package in the mail from the Dultons. Inside was a big, white album with glossy photos from our wedding, and a note saying it was their gift to us. Beth and Jess lingered over each picture, and then Jessie disappeared into our bedroom and came out in her dress.

  The girls went out the next weekend and found a dress for Beth. They got one that fit a little loose in front.

  Dad was worried about his advancing symptoms, and Jim was able to get a few days off in late January, so that’s when we had Beth and Dave’s wedding. Because of the short notice and tight schedule, they couldn’t set it up in Michigan as they’d hoped. It was just a simple ceremony at the local hotel, like ours had been. We flew in Dave’s folks and his brothers Rick and Steven. Dave’s dad grumbled that he wasn’t ready to be a grandpa.

  Georgia wouldn’t come, but Beth’s aunt Hannah did. Jim complained half-heartedly about the expense, but Dad insisted that it was our gift to the couple.

  That night after the party we were getting ready for bed. I said to Jessie, “Rick seemed kind of upset.”

  Jessie regarded me.

  “You know, don’t you?”

  “Yeah,” I admitted.

  “Beth told me Rick asked her point blank if the baby was his.”

  “What’d she tell him?”

  Jessie shrugged. “She said it wasn’t possible, because nothing ever happened between them.”

  “How’d he take that?”

  “He apologized, but she caught him staring at her belly several times.”

  “She’s showing a little now.”

  “She and Dave – the Camdens! Doesn’t that sound grown-up? Anyway, they’re going for an ultrasound tomorrow. They might be able to tell if it’s a boy or a girl.”

  “I wish they’d settle on a couple names. They’ve been driving me crazy.”

  “You think we’ll be any different when it’s our turn?”

  “We have a few years to work it out.”

  “Actually, I’ve just decided. Emma or Mikael. You get to pick the middle name.”

  I smiled. “Yeah, I can go with those.”

  “Anyway, they asked us to come along, and I said okay.”

  “That’s cool. They say it’s hard to even tell what you’re looking at. It’ll be interesting.”

  At the Yampa Valley Medical Center, the four of us crowded around a little monitor while the technician rubbed a gooey wand over Beth’s belly.

  “Is that it?” Beth asked.

  “Yes right there…”

  “Can you tell the gender?” Dave asked.

  “Let’s see. There’s an arm… that’s a foot, and a leg… Oops, almost had it. Sometimes they squirm a lot, but this one seems so… Oh. Um… No, I don’t think we can do gender today. I’m going to print this one out for the doctor to look at. Here honey, let me clean you up.”

  “Oh. Okay. Thanks. But that’s it? So does our baby look healthy, can you tell us that?”

  “I’m sorry, hon, I’m just a te
ch. I’m going to have the doctor take a look, okay?”

  “Is there a problem?”

  “There you go. Let me take you into his office.”

  She ushered us into Dr. Lamb’s rather messy office. Stacks of patient files grew on his desk. The longer we waited, the more anxious we got. He finally came in holding the printouts, accompanied by a middle-aged woman in a nice suit.

  “Hi folks, I’m Doctor Lamb, and this is Katie, a social worker. You must be Elizabeth. And your husband?”

  Dave reached out and shook the doctor’s hand. “Dave.”

  “Are these your family?” he said, nodding at Jess and I.

  “Might as well be,” Dave said. “Look, Doc, you’ve got us worried. What’s going on?”

  “I have some bad news. Your fetus has something called anencephaly.”

  Fetus, I noticed, not baby. Not a good sign.

  “It’s a rare disorder, maybe one out of ten thousand births. It means that during its development, the brain and skull have failed to form.”

  “My baby has brain damage?”

  “It’s more severe than that. The brain simply didn’t develop, and never will. Fetuses with this condition, if they survive until birth, most only last hours or days. It will never be conscious, never feel pain or respond to stimulus. I’m sorry, but ultimately, it’s always terminal.

  “Our baby’s going to die?” Dave asked.

  “No, no that must be wrong,” Beth said. “Let’s do another ultrasound. This must be a mistake.”

  “I’m sorry, Mrs. Camden. This is as clear a case as I’ve seen in any textbook, and the prognosis is certain. There’s nothing I can do. I can answer any questions you have.”

  “What causes it?”

  “We really don’t know, Mrs. Camden. It’s congenital.”

  “Will… will all our children be this way?”

  “No, it’s a random thing as far as we know. The odds of it happening again are very remote.”

  “What do we do now?”

  “Katie will talk you through your options. Again, I’m very sorry.” With that he stood and left.

  Beth was in Jessie’s arms, crying and shaking. Dave looked completely lost. Katie waited patiently.

  “Give me that,” Beth demanded.

  “Are you sure you want to see this?” Katie asked.

  “I have to.” She stared at the piece of paper. “Oh my God!”

  Beth tore the paper to shreds and dropped the bits onto the floor, dissolving into tears. Dave held her as she moaned and rocked in his arms. When she finally was able to ask about the options, they were pretty basic. Beth could terminate the pregnancy, or let nature take its course.

  On the ride back to the apartment, Beth wept in the back seat.

  “What are we going to do, Babe?” she asked.

  “I don’t see putting yourself through five more months of this,” he said.

  “Yeah. I think so, too.” She cried bitterly as Dave stroked her hair.