Archie the Royal Hot Water Bottle

  Chapter 23

  As Crystal recovered aboard the yacht the opportunists responsible for her kidnapping were interrogated on land. The audacity they had displayed in snatching Crystal from under the noses of her protectors was due to their complete ignorance of the security force that surrounded the Queen and her family. It had been the presence of so many soldiers, particularly the special forces travelling with them in case of just such an incident, that had finally put paid to the plan and them leaving Crystal abandoned in the cellar. Special forces were feared.

  'Good,' Jeff said when he was told, 'So they should be.'

  When questioned the yellow toothed mastermind, who had struck Crystal in the tunnel, said the plan had been hatched over some wine they had stolen only the night before from the church. It seemed, whilst under the influence of the minister's finest red, to be a simple thing to grab the princess from the shop and hide her in the cellar. They were asked, how did they know where she was in the shop? They could see her through holes in the walls. How did they intend to contact the Somalis? None of them would answer that question, being as afraid of the Somalis as they were of special forces, but local police were aware the Somalis came and went with the local fishing fleet. It wouldn't have been difficult for the men to hand Crystal over under cover of darkness.

  The whole thing had been a disaster narrowly avoided. The protection team heaved a sigh of relief but there would be aggravation once they were home. The bosses would want blood.

  'We'll deal with that later,' Jeff told his team, 'The backup worked and she was found quickly. We'll be doing some work when we get home but in the meantime you'll be on backup for Her Majesty whenever she's on shore. Crystal stays on the yacht. Everything is being stepped up. Special forces will be on board until we fly home. The risk assessment is up to extreme. Don't mess up.'

  To apologise for the mass round up of the day before Her Majesty ordered a feast to be provided for the town on the following night. That and some free beer soothed many ruffled feathers, as did a personal message from Crystal thanking everyone for their help in securing her safe return. One local husband did however receive a tongue lashing from his wife for his as yet undiscovered role in the plot.

  The driver of the car that hid the entrance to the tunnel was not apprehended but he was shamed in the town by his wife making it well known that he had the brains of a dried up peanut for participating in the impromptu plot. Such are the ways of justice. As for the remainder of the conspirators, they went to trial and spent some very unpleasant time in a rat ridden prison where, had they the brains, the would have reflected upon the advantages of forward planning. In the end though everyone admitted it had been a very near thing.

  The remaining four days on the yacht allowed Jeff and Crystal to have some time alone and say the things that needed to be said.

  'I only admitted to myself that I loved you when you told me Brendan wanted me to stop watching you.' Jeff told Crystal, 'I didn't give a toss what he wanted.'

  Crystal snuggled closer to him, she was doing a lot of snuggling at the moment. Jeff had no objection but asked her,

  'What about Brendan? You seemed to be pretty keen on him but...'

  'But what?'

  'You dumped him.'

  'He'd served his purpose.'

  'So you were going out with him just to make me jealous?'

  'Of course, but it didn't.'

  'Yes it did. So I've just been managed, is that it?'

  'Well eventually you were. Just the way you managed me on the first day you drove me to the trek in Scotland.' She laughed, 'Fair's fair.'

  'So it is,' he said, kissing her, 'So when we're married...'

  Crystal sat up, 'So we're going to be married then.'

  'Yes, we are, as soon as you can walk.'

  'Jeff...'

  'What?'

  'It's not quite that simple, you see there's a form for these things when a royal marries, and we'll have to follow it.'

  'I'm getting an image, you and me and an endless stream of paparazzi.'

  'And family, dinners, fittings, rehearsals, you know, just the general stuff. '

  'I can hardly wait.'

  But Jeff was a practical man and accepted his life had changed forever. The first thing he did when they returned to the Palace was visit his family so they heard about the engagement from him, before the official announcement was made. His parents didn't believe it at first but after some persuading accepted their son was to join the royal family. His mother said,

  'There's something you may want. I don't know, but it's very old. It belonged to your great-grandmother. If you two want it, it's yours. But she may not want an old ring.'

  She handed him a small blue velvet bag with a silk drawstring. Inside was a very old cabochon emerald surrounded with diamonds on a white gold band.

  Crystal loved it and wore it at the announcement where Jeff felt like a prize dog in a show. It was no-one's intention that Jeff should feel that way at his engagement announcement and in truth he quickly got over it as he saw Crystal's years of training kick in. She handled the whole thing like a pro, even though she was still on crutches.

  Unlike Jeff who was feeling like a fish out of water. He thought he knew the Palace but it was a very different place when you lived in it as he did now. He was adjusting but things were going very fast.

  It had been a whirlwind since their return from Africa when the rumours of an engagement had started. He'd been hard pressed to move outside the Palace, the press were following him everywhere trying to get him to say something. Strangely he had his own security detail who told him to mind his own business about how they operated. It became even weirder when the protocol training started.

  'But I've been through that already.'

  'Yes Sir, but not the protocol that applies to you in your new status.'

  'Status?'

  'Sir, you will very soon be a member of the royal family. It is, with respect, a very different role to the one you have been in so far.' Jeff looked skeptical. 'Let me give you an example. Can you tell me the order of precedence as it relates to you?'

  Now Jeff was getting impatient, 'You mean...'

  'Yes Sir, who goes where and in what order. Who bows, who curtsies and to whom. It is all very important. Let's begin.'

  By the end of each day Jeff could do little more than throw himself down on Crystal's bed and watch as she hobbled about, dressing for dinner with her grandparents and his family as well. He knew they dressed, he'd always known, but to have to do it himself was proving to be a chore. Crystal surprised him by reading his mind,

  'It gets easier.' She smiled and hopped over to crawl into his arms.

  'You know you're very grown up now, when exactly did that happen?'

  'About the time I realised you would not pay me any attention at all unless I did.'

  'God I'm a brute.'

  'At least you're my brute.'

  In the end they were nearly late for dinner. Later that evening they settled down to watch a movie and Crystal asked Jessie, who was tidying things away, to fill her hot water bottle.

  'This leg's aching. Damn thing. If I hadn't come off the horse it wouldn't have been weak and I could have broken my fall into that bloody tunnel. As it is it was and it broke.'

  'Here Miss,' Jessie said, 'Put this just behind your back, it'll warm all the way down then.' She settled Archie and Terri into the small of Crystal's back and to their delight they could just see past her and, they couldn't believe it, they were about to see their first movie. Crystal said,

  'Thank you Jessie. Goodnight.'

  Terri, oblivious of Jeff's presence, said to Archie,

  'Can you move your head a bit Archie, you're blocking half the screen.'

  'Well I can a bit but I'm jammed in here.'

  Terri gave him a push and Archie yelped as her elbow went into his ribs.

  'Easy my love, I'm not made of rubber you know,' Archie said.

  As usual his
joke defused Terri's bad mood and they both burst out laughing. Giggling, they tried to concentrate on the movie but when they looked out Jeff was standing up in front of Crystal and staring at them.

  'Crystal, can I have the hot water bottle please?'

  'Why?'

  'Because it's talking.'

  'Jeff, I know you're tired but...'

  'Just pass it to me please.'

  Archie and Terri found themselves in Jeff's hands as he seemed to look them straight in the eyes.

  'He really can't, can he?' Terri whispered to Archie.

  'I hope not,' Archie whispered back, 'I don't know what happens when they know.'

  'Then let me enlighten you,' Jeff said.

  'Oh dear,' Archie said, 'It was too much for her.'

  'That would be the cover?' Jeff asked him.

  'Yes, my cover, my love. Oh dear.' Archie was distraught, Terri was limp in his arms.

  Crystal looked at Jeff who seemed to be having a conversation with the hot water bottle which, she suddenly realised, was talking back.

  'See what I mean,' Jeff said. Crystal stared. 'Now many things are becoming clear.'

  'Jeff, what's going on?' Crystal asked as she stared at Archie and Terri lying in his hands. She could see but hardly believe that Archie was, with tiny blue hands, gently patting Terri's face, trying to bring her around.

  'Come my love,' they heard him say in a very gentle voice, 'It's all right, it's all right.'

  A limp Terri opened what Jeff could only call beautiful green eyes in which tears had started to form. Archie held her close to him and Jeff began to feel guilty.

  'I'm so sorry,' he said, 'I had no idea...' He sat down and he and Crystal watched as Terri composed herself, hiding her face behind Archie's neck. He said to them both, 'I was amazed when I heard you talking, but I have heard you before.'

  'I know,' said Archie, 'We realised that when Crystal, I mean her Royal Highness, was injured in Africa. That first time on the yacht, when you spent the night.'

  'Very sweet it was,' said Terri, looking out from under dark lashes, 'You take such wonderful care of her.'

  'Yes he does,' Crystal said and hugged Jeff. The four of them started to smile at each other, unsure of what to do next. Terri, being assertive by nature, grasped the nettle so to speak,

  'You're probably wondering about us, because we're supposed to be...what is it Archie?'

  'Inanimate objects.'

  'Yes, inanimate. But we're not, as you can see.'

  'Obviously,' Jeff said, 'You're alive, talking and, I assume, in love.'

  'It was all unexpected,' Archie said, 'I was so lucky when Crystal's grandmother, bless her, chose Terri for my cover. I needed a cover because I was naked, it's so embarrassing to be naked in public, people, that's you, don't realise, but I never dreamed my cover would be Terri and we would...well, it's wonderful.'

  Jeff and Crystal, who were now devoted to each other, not just playing at an infatuation, recognised the hot water bottle and cover's devotion to each other but could not get over the fact they were alive. Archie said,

  'We don't know why people don't realise about objects but you all seem to be, excuse me, ignorant of basic facts. We're all alive.'

  'All?' Crystal said, 'Everything?'

  'Everything,' Terri said, 'The whole room is probably listening by now.' She turned and looked at Archie, 'I mean who could resist?'

  Jeff ignored that. The idea that the whole room was watching and listening to everything was a bit too much. It must have shown in his face because Terri said to reassure him,

  'We just tune out a lot of the time. Privacy you know. We give it to you and Crystal, may I call you Crystal?'

  Crystal nodded, 'Thank you so much. We're so happy for you two and I love your ring. Sorry, as I was saying, everyone in here knows you need your privacy and we give it to each other, as much as we can. It's an art really.'

  'I bet,' Jeff said as he remembered a number of intimate moments with Crystal he would rather remained private. Then he remembered the issue of who had pressed the panic button. He put it to them, 'You pressed the alarm, didn't you, when Prentiss and Simpson were here.'

  'We did, Terri said, 'And I'm glad, I couldn't see their faces but what you said to them, it was terrific.'

  'I don't remember...'

  'You said,' piped up Archie, '"Shit always rises to the surface." Graphic, we thought, but accurate. Those two were well, shit, her in particular. Awful woman wasn't she Terri?'

  'Absolutely awful,' Terri agreed.

  'Who are you talking about?' Crystal asked, completely in the dark.

  'Two of my detail I caught searching your bedroom and selling your schedule to the tabloids, who are now spending some time at your grandmother's pleasure. I'll explain it all later. I think we've all had enough for tonight. I'm going to bed.'

  'Just before you go,' Archie asked, 'Could you restart the movie? We so want to see it, it'll be our first.'

  So Jeff did, after he'd sat Archie and Terri up on the couch and, he hoped, made them comfortable,

  'Quite snug, thank you,' Archie said.

  They loved Roman Holiday but both of them were in tears at the end.

  'So unfair,' Terri said. Archie could only continue to sob.