Archie the Royal Hot Water Bottle

Chapter 24

  The implications of recent events whirled through Jeff's mind as he slept. He was engaged to a Princess and now lived in a Palace. That was all right his unconscious told him; he loved Crystal and they were going to be very happy. Their wedding plans were underway and they were to be married soon. Fine, Jeff's anxious psyche decided, a winter wedding was romantic and they could have a cosy honeymoon.

  He drifted into dreams of Crystal lying in front of a roaring fire and nearly lost the thread of what he was trying to understand. His confused brain finally came to the point: Crystal owned a hot water bottle named Archie who was in love with his cover, Terri. They both talked and the night before Jeff and Crystal had heard them squabbling about one blocking the other's view of a movie.

  It was too much, his unconscious gave up and he fell into a deep sleep. When he woke the next morning Jeff sat up and saw Crystal having a conversation with the hot water bottle cover, Terri. Sitting in an armchair on the other side of the room she was listening intently as Terri spoke. The hot water bottle appeared to be asleep.

  'Lucky bastard,' he said. Then the reality of accepting a hot water bottle as a living being dawned on him,

  'My God,' he thought, 'I'm going mad,' and fell back on the pillow.

  As they went down in the Palace lift to go out, for the cast on Crystal's broken leg was to be removed that morning, he said,

  'This whole hot water bottle thing is freaking me out, leaving aside the small issue of them being alive, think about it, they say everything is. That means we're surrounded by living objects all the time. We're never alone.'

  'I know, but Terri says everything is very discreet and if they had their own place, they'd have some privacy too.'

  'Crystal, you're giving me a headache; you mean the hot water bottle...,'

  'Archie.'

  'I can't believe I'm having this conversation, Archie and Terri?'

  She nodded, preoccupied with manoeuvering her crutches as the lift doors opened,

  'They want their own place?'

  'Just a drawer; with a lavender liner; if we can manage it. They're so sweet but they were very specific about the lavender. I spoke to Jessie before we left, she'll arrange it.'

  Jeff's day did improve when, after she was free of the cast and the crutches, Crystal suggested they celebrate and go out to lunch. Jeff hesitated because they were followed everywhere and having a quiet meal alone would be some sort of miracle.

  'Not necessarily,' she smirked.

  'You're definitely smirking, what have you done?'

  In conspiracy with the new head of her protection detail, Thompson, who'd had a promotion when she and Jeff had become engaged, Crystal had arranged a picnic in the Palace grounds. The spot was secluded; not overlooked from the windows. Jeff's only question was,

  'Does the talking thing include the trees?'

  'I don't know,' she said as she started to kiss him, 'It would be so inconvenient at times like this.'

  Archie and Terri's new home in the drawer of a cabinet in Crystal's bedroom, described by Terri as 'perfect,' put Jeff in mind of where he and Crystal would live after their wedding.

  He must have been in some kind of fog because he forgot that, in royal circles, all of these things are taken care of, at times without reference to the people who were to live there.

  He'd been involved himself in assessing the security of properties for members of the family before they were even put up as possibilities. Often disused places were opened up and renovated. And so it was with their first home. There was no question of them living in his flat which was being packed up, its contents stored or given away, nor did they want to continue living in the Palace. Another question exercising Jeff's mind was,

  'What am I going to do with myself?' His job as a royal protection officer was over, he accepted that but he needed an occupation. They'd have royal duties and he'd support Crystal in her role but he needed a basis for his life, a structure, what he could say he'd done himself. Crystal, who was proving to be wise beyond her nineteen years, had already had a long talk with her grandparents about this and when she said to Jeff,

  'We should have a place of our own, maybe a little out of town, but close enough so I can still go to university,' she had an option ready.

  Claremore was a beautiful old house that had been in mothballs for many years. Loved by a member of the family who had since died, it had been neglected. The large house was nestled in an estate of rough hills and valleys. It wasn't manicured land; its charm lay in its wildness and challenging terrain. When Jeff saw it he wanted to get on a bike and ride every inch of it, which was exactly what Crystal intended. The estate was an outdoor playground he could make something of,

  'I think it's called enduro riding, is that right?' she asked him. She joked, 'You could offer days on a dirt bike to deskbound city slickers.'

  Jeff didn't want to entertain bored stockbrokers. He wanted to do something useful now. He had an opportunity to give something and remembered the kids they'd spent time with trekking in Scotland, how they'd loved being outdoors, using their bodies and feeling themselves pitted against the elements.

  'I've got another idea. What about somewhere for kids, like the ones on the trek, where they could learn to ride a bike and have a holiday. There must be a lot of buildings on a place like this; we could convert one for a lodge. Could we do that?' As so they started planning and the Palace machine approved. Jeff had the beginnings of a new working life, once the pageant that was their wedding was over.

  The preparations for the wedding were nearly overwhelming. Long engagements were not done in royal circles so once the announcement was made they had had only four months until the big day. After the house was found and settled only eight weeks remained and Jeff still hadn't found the perfect place for their honeymoon; he was looking though.

  During their engagement Crystal and Jeff received many invitations, some of them bizarre. There was one to Jeff alone from the dictator of an African state. Jeff was invited to spend four days sampling the delights of the ladies of the dictator's harem.

  'Tempting,' he said.

  'No way,' Crystal said.

  Another was to them both to spend a weekend at a naturalist nudist camp speed bird watching: the twitchers drove around a reserve in golf carts, naked, trying to photograph the highest number of species in a four hour period.

  'I'm getting an image of everyone wearing binoculars,' Jeff said.

  'Not doing that,' was his love's decision.

  More reasonable invitations came from friends and they accepted some, one to stay on a friend's estate and do nearly nothing; if you exclude enjoying gourmet meals, a short stroll and sleeping in.

  'Perfect,' they both said. So Jessie packed and they set off in the Range Rover with Jeff driving. They were alone except for two protection officers and Crystal's maid, Jessie in the back seat and Archie and Terri perched on the top of the open overnight bag,

  'Oh Archie,' Terri said, 'Just look at the countryside, isn't it beautiful?'

  Jeff and Crystal laughed hearing her, knowing no-one else could but Jessie worried them when she said,

  'Did someone say something?'

  Crystal distracted her with a discussion of dress fitting appointments and sessions with hairdressers so the moment passed. Later, sipping a pre dinner champagne she said to Jeff,

  'Jessie heard her.'

  'We should have left them at home.'

  'No, I said I wouldn't travel without a hot water bottle and anyway, they're so happy. They've never seen the country.'

  'What my life has come to,' Jeff thought, inventing a new term, 'hiding hot water bottle relationships.'

  The weekend was relaxing but soon over. They returned to town and the meat grinder that was called their schedule. He said to Crystal as he ran to an appointment with a tailor,

  'We go in one side and are ground out the other side. And by the way, that guy's a bit familiar with his tape measure.'

 
'Go,' she said, dressing for her session with a jeweller to arrange bridesmaids' gifts and then shopping for her trousseau.

  'Nightgowns,' she thought, 'For my winter honeymoon. I'll get some with fake fur around the hem to keep my neck warm.' She giggled and started to day dream, Jeff was proving to be a wonderful lover. Just last night he'd...

  'Miss,' Jessie said, startling her, 'You're going to be late.'

  Crystal dragged herself back, 'I'm nearly ready.'

  'There is something I wanted to ask you...'

  'What is it Jessie?'

  'About the hot water bottle and cover, they make a lot of noise in that drawer; does it disturb you at night?'

  Crystal's immediate thought was,

  'No, we're pretty preoccupied ourselves,' but then she thought about what Jessie had said.

  'Where is this going to end?' she thought. 'Who's next?'

  Crystal felt the living object thing was getting out of hand. Now Jessie knew and, it seemed, was able to accept the idea quite easily, saying

  'Well, we've all done it as children with the things adults give us: dolls and soft toys, even blankets get names. We treat them as friends, spending time and playing with them, caring what happens to them. They're our companions; good listeners who never complain. 

  'But when we grow up we forget that and forget them. If we listened to objects more we might learn something. Archie and Terri have made me remember and anyway they're such fun, only this morning Terri was telling me about ....'

  And she went on for some time, making Crystal aware of the friendship Jessie had formed with the hot water bottle and cover. Strangely, she now felt the same, they were part of her life as her family and Jeff were; she would be very sorry if they were lost. But she did hope they could limit the number of people in the know. Jessie agreed,

  'We don't want them turned into a freak show.'