The Decameron, Volume II

Thus it was that Calandrino had not gone far, before,finding that there was no more room in his tunic, he lifted the skirts ofhis gown, which was not cut after the fashion of Hainault, and gatheringthem under his leathern girdle and making them fast on every side, thusfurnished himself with a fresh and capacious lap, which, however, takingno long time to fill, he made another lap out of his cloak, which in likemanner he soon filled with stones. Wherefore, Bruno and Buffalmaccoseeing that Calandrino was well laden, and that 'twas nigh uponbreakfast-time, and the moment for action come:--"Where is Calandrino?"quoth Bruno to Buffalmacco. Whereto Buffalmacco, who had Calandrino fullin view, having first turned about and looked here, there and everywhere,made answer:--"That wot not I; but not so long ago he was just in frontof us." "Not so long ago, forsooth," returned Bruno; "'tis my firm beliefthat at this very moment he is at breakfast at home, having left to usthis wild-goose chase of black stones in the Mugnone." "Marry," quothBuffalmacco, "he did but serve us right so to trick us and leave, seeingthat we were so silly as to believe him. Why, who could have thought thatany but we would have been so foolish as to believe that a stone of suchrare virtue was to be found in the Mugnone?" Calandrino, hearing theircolloquy, forthwith imagined that he had the stone in his hand, and byits virtue, though present, was invisible to them; and overjoyed by suchgood fortune, would not say a word to undeceive them, but determined tohie him home, and accordingly faced about, and put himself in motion.Whereupon:--"Ay!" quoth Buffalmacco to Bruno, "what are we about that wego not back too?" "Go we then," said Bruno; "but by God I swear thatCalandrino shall never play me another such trick; and as to this, were Inigh him, as I have been all the morning, I would teach him to rememberit for a month or so, such a reminder would I give him in the heel withthis stone." And even as he spoke he threw back his arm, and launched thestone against Calandrino's heel. Galled by the blow, Calandrino gave agreat hop and a slight gasp, but said nothing, and halted not. Then,picking out one of the stones that he had collected:--"Bruno," quothBuffalmacco, "see what a goodly stone I have here, would it might butcatch Calandrino in the back;" and forthwith he discharged it with mainforce upon the said back. And in short, suiting action to word, now inthis way, now in that, they stoned him all the way up the Mugnone as faras the Porta a San Gallo. There they threw away the stones they hadpicked up, and tarried a while with the customs' officers, who, beingprimed by them, had let Calandrino pass unchallenged, while theirlaughter knew no bounds.

  So Calandrino, halting nowhere, betook him to his house, which was hardby the corner of the Macina. And so well did Fortune prosper the trick,that all the way by the stream and across the city there was never a soulthat said a word to Calandrino, and indeed he encountered but few, formost folk were at breakfast. But no sooner was Calandrino thus gottenhome with his stones, than it so happened that his good lady, MonnaTessa, shewed her fair face at the stair's head, and catching sight ofhim, and being somewhat annoyed by his long delay, chid him,saying:--"What the Devil brings thee here so late? Must breakfast waitthee until all other folk have had it?" Calandrino caught the words, andangered and mortified to find that he was not invisible, broke outwith:--"Alas! curst woman! so 'twas thou! Thou hast undone me: but, God'sfaith, I will pay thee out." Whereupon he was upstairs in a trice, andhaving discharged his great load of stones in a parlour, rushed with fellintent upon his wife, and laid hold of her by the hair, and threw herdown at his feet, and beat and kicked her in every part of her personwith all the force he had in his arms and legs, insomuch that he leftnever a hair of her head or bone of her body unscathed, and 'twas all invain that she laid her palms together and crossed her fingers and criedfor mercy.

  Now Buffalmacco and Bruno, after making merry a while with the warders ofthe gate, had set off again at a leisurely pace, keeping some distancebehind Calandrino. Arrived at his door, they heard the noise of the soundthrashing that he was giving his wife; and making as if they were butthat very instant come upon the scene, they called him. Calandrino,flushed, all of a sweat, and out of breath, shewed himself at the window,and bade them come up. They, putting on a somewhat angry air, did so; andespied Calandrino sitting in the parlour, amid the stones which lay allabout, untrussed, and puffing with the air of a man spent with exertion,while his lady lay in one of the corners, weeping bitterly, her hair alldishevelled, her clothes torn to shreds, and her face livid, bruised andbattered. So after surveying the room a while:--"What means this,Calandrino?" quoth they. "Art thou minded to build thee a wall, that wesee so many stones about?" And then, as they received no answer, theycontinued:--"And how's this? How comes Monna Tessa in this plight?'Twould seem thou hast given her a beating! What unheard-of doings arethese?" What with the weight of the stones that he had carried, and thefury with which he had beaten his wife, and the mortification that hefelt at the miscarriage of his enterprise, Calandrino was too spent toutter a word by way of reply. Wherefore in a menacing tone Buffalmaccobegan again:--"However out of sorts thou mayst have been, Calandrino,thou shouldst not have played us so scurvy a trick as thou hast. To takeus with thee to the Mugnone in quest of this stone of rare virtue, andthen, without so much as saying either God-speed or Devil-speed, to beoff, and leave us there like a couple of gowks! We take it not a littleunkindly: and rest assured that thou shalt never so fool us again."Whereto with an effort Calandrino replied:--"Comrades, be not wroth withme: 'tis not as you think. I, luckless wight! found the stone: listen,and you will no longer doubt that I say sooth. When you began saying oneto the other:--'Where is Calandrino?' I was within ten paces of you, andmarking that you came by without seeing me, I went before, and so,keeping ever a little ahead of you, I came hither." And then he told themthe whole story of what they had said and done from beginning to end, andshewed them his back and heel, how they had been mauled by the stones;after which:--"And I tell you," he went on, "that, laden though I waswith all these stones, that you see here, never a word was said to me bythe warders of the gate as I passed in, though you know how vexatious andgrievous these warders are wont to make themselves in their determinationto see everything: and moreover I met by the way several of my gossipsand friends that are ever wont to greet me, and ask me to drink, andnever a word said any of them to me, no, nor half a word either; but theypassed me by as men that saw me not. But at last, being come home, I wasmet and seen by this devil of a woman, curses upon her, forasmuch as allthings, as you know, lose their virtue in the presence of a woman;whereby I from being the most lucky am become the most luckless man inFlorence: and therefore I thrashed her as long as I could stir a hand,nor know I wherefore I forbear to sluice her veins for her, cursed be thehour that first I saw her, cursed be the hour that I brought her into thehouse!" And so, kindling with fresh wrath, he was about to start up andgive her another thrashing; when Buffalmacco and Bruno, who had listenedto his story with an air of great surprise, and affirmed its truth againand again, while they all but burst with suppressed laughter, seeing himnow frantic to renew his assault upon his wife, got up and withstood andheld him back, averring that the lady was in no wise to blame for whathad happened, but only he, who, witting that things lost their virtue inthe presence of women, had not bidden her keep aloof from him that day;which precaution God had not suffered him to take, either because theluck was not to be his, or because he was minded to cheat his comrades,to whom he should have shewn the stone as soon as he found it. And so,with many words they hardly prevailed upon him to forgive his injuredwife, and leaving him to rue the ill-luck that had filled his house withstones, went their way.

  (1) A sort of rissole.

  NOVEL IV.

  --The rector of Fiesole loves a widow lady, by whom he is not loved, andthinking to lie with her, lies with her maid, with whom the lady'sbrothers cause him to be found by his Bishop.--

  Elisa being come to the end of her story, which in the telling hadyielded no small delight to all the company, the queen, turning toEmilia, signified her will, that her story should ensue at once upon thatof Elisa. And thus with alacrity Emili
a began:--Noble ladies, how we areteased and tormented by these priests and friars, and indeed by clergy ofall sorts, I mind me to have been set forth in more than one of thestories that have been told; but as 'twere not possible to say so muchthereof but that more would yet remain to say, I purpose to supplementthem with the story of a rector, who, in defiance of all the world, wasbent upon having the favour of a gentlewoman, whether she would or no.Which gentlewoman, being discreet above a little, treated him as hedeserved.

  Fiesole, whose hill is here within sight, is, as each of you knows, acity of immense antiquity, and was aforetime great, though now 'tisfallen into complete decay; which notwithstanding, it always was,