The Monikins

  CHAPTER XXV. A FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE, A FUNDAMENTAL LAW, AND AFUNDAMENTAL ERROR.

  The people of Leaplow are remarkable for the deliberation of their acts,the moderation of their views, and the accumulation of their wisdom. Asa matter of course such a people is never in an indecent haste. AlthoughI have now been legally naturalized, and regularly elected to the greatcouncil fully twenty-four hours, three entire days were allowed for thestudy of the institutions, and to become acquainted with the genius ofa nation, who, according to their own account of the matter, have noparallel in heaven or earth, or in the waters under the earth, before Iwas called upon to exercise my novel and important functions. I profitedby the delay and shall seize a favorable moment to make the readeracquainted with some of my acquisitions on this interesting topic.

  The institutions of Leaplow are divided into two great moral categories,viz.: the LEGAL and the SUBSTITUTIVE. The former embraces the provisionsof the great ELEMENTARY, and the latter all the provisions of thegreat ALIMENTARY principle. The first, accordingly, is limited by theconstitution, or the Great National Allegory, while the last is limitedby nothing but practice; one contains the proposition, and the other itsdeductions; this is all hypothesis, that, all corollary. The two greatpolitical landmarks, the two public opinions, the bob-upon-bobs,the rotatory action, and the great and little wheels, are merelyinferential, and I shall, therefore, say nothing about them in mypresent treatise, which has a strict relation only to the fundamentallaw of the land, or to the Great and Sacred National Allegory.

  It has been already stated that Leaplow was originally a scion ofLeaphigh. The political separation took place in the last generation,when the Leaplowers publicly renounced Leaphigh and all it contained,just as your catechumen is made to renounce the devil and all his works.This renunciation, which is also sometimes called the DENUNCIATION, wasmuch more to the liking of Leaplow than to that of Leaphigh; and a longand sanguinary war was the consequence. The Leaplowers, after a smartstruggle, however, prevailed in their firm determination to have no moreto do with Leaphigh. The sequel will show how far they were right.

  Even preceding the struggle, so active was the sentiment of patriotismand independence, that the citizens of Leaplow, though ill-providedwith the productions of their own industry, proudly resorted to theself-denial of refusing to import even a pin from the mother country,actually preferring nakedness to submission. They even solemnly votedthat their venerable progenitor, instead of being, as she clearly oughtto have been, a fond, protecting, and indulgent parent, was, in truth,no other than a rapacious, vindictive and tyrannical step-mother. Thiswas the opinion, it will be remembered, when the two communities werelegally united, had but one head, wore clothes, and necessarily pursueda multitude of their interests in common.

  By the lucky termination of the war, all this was radically changed.Leaplow pointed her thumb at Leaphigh, and declared her intentionhenceforth to manage her own affairs in her own way. In order to dothis the more effectually, and, at the same time, to throw dirt into thecountenance of her late step-mother, she determined that her ownpolity should run so near a parallel, and yet should be so obviously animprovement on that of Leaphigh, as to demonstrate the imperfectionsof the latter to the most superficial observer. That this patrioticresolution was faithfully carried out in practice, I am now about todemonstrate.

  In Leaphigh, the old human principle had long prevailed, that politicalauthority came from God; though why such a theory should ever haveprevailed anywhere, as Mr. Downright once expressed it, I cannot see,the devil very evidently having a greater agency in its exercise thanany other influence, or intelligence, whatever. However, the jus divinumwas the regulator of the Leaphigh social compact, until the nobilitymanaged to get the better of the jus, when the divinum was left to shiftfor itself. It was at this epocha the present constitution found itsbirth. Any one may have observed that one stick placed on end will fall,as a matter of course, unless rooted in the earth. Two sticks fare nobetter, even with their tops united; but three sticks form a standard.This simple and beautiful idea gave rise to the Leaphigh polity. Threemoral props were erected in the midst of the community, at the foot ofone of which was placed the king, to prevent it from slipping; for allthe danger, under such a system, came from that of the base slipping;at the foot of the second, the nobles; and at the foot of the third, thepeople. On the summit of this tripod was raised the machine of state.This was found to be a capital invention in theory, though practice,as practice is very apt to do, subjected it to some essentialmodifications. The king, having his stick all his own way, gave a greatdeal of trouble to the two other sets of stick-holders; and, unwillingto disturb the theory, for that was deemed to be irrevocably settled andsacred, the nobility, who, for their own particular convenience, paidthe principal workmen at the base of the people's stick to stand steady,set about the means of keeping the king's stick, also, in a more uniformand serviceable attitude. It was on this occasion that, discovering theking never could keep his end of the great social stick in the placewhere he had sworn to keep it, they solemnly declared that he musthave forgotten where the constitutional foot-hole was, and that he hadirretrievably lost his memory--a decision that was the remote causeof the recent calamity of Captain Poke. The king was no soonerconstitutionally deprived of his memory, than it was an easy matterto strip him of all his other faculties; after which it was humanelydecreed, as indeed it ought to be in the case of a being so destitute,that he could do no wrong. By way of following out the idea on a humaneand Christian-like principle, and in order to make one part of thepractice conform to the other, it was shortly after determined that heshould do nothing; his eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender beinglegally proclaimed his substitute. In the end, the crimson curtain wasdrawn before the throne. As, however, this cousin might begin to wrigglethe stick in his turn, and derange the balance of the tripod, the othertwo sets of stick-holders next decided that, though his majesty hadan undeniable constitutional right to say who SHOULD BE hiseldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, they had an undoubtedconstitutional right to say who he SHOULD NOT BE. The result of all thiswas a compromise; his majesty, who, like other people, found the sweetsof authority more palatable than the bitter, agreeing to get up on topof the tripod, where he might appear seated on the machine of state, toreceive salutations, and eat and drink in peace, leaving the others tosettle among themselves who should do the work at the bottom, as wellas they could. In brief, such is the history, and such was the polity ofLeaphigh, when I had the honor of visiting that country.

  The Leaplowers were resolute to prove that all this was radically wrong.They determined, in the first place, that there should be but one greatsocial beam; and, in order that it should stand perfectly steady, theymade it the duty of every citizen to prop its base. They liked the ideaof a tripod well enough, but, instead of setting one up in the Leaphighfashion, they just reversed its form, and stuck it on top of their beam,legs uppermost, placing a separate agent on each leg, to worktheir machine of state; taking care, also, to send a new one aloftperiodically. They reasoned thus: If one of the Leaphigh beams slip (andthey will be very apt to slip in wet weather, with the king, nobles andpeople wriggling and shoving against each other), down will come thewhole machine of state, or, to say the least, it will get so much awryas never to work as well as at first; and therefore we will have none ofit. If, on the other hand, one of our agents makes a blunder and falls,why, he will only break his own neck. He will, moreover, fall in themidst of us, and, should he escape with life, we can either catch himand throw him back again, or we can send a better hand up in his place,to serve out the rest of his time. They also maintain that one beam,supported by all the citizens, is much less likely to slip than threebeams, supported by three powers of very uncertain, not to say unequal,forces.

  Such, in effect, is the substance of the respective national allegoriesof Leaphigh and of Leaplow; I say allegories, for both governments seemto rely on this ingenious form of exhibiting th
eir great distinctivenational sentiments. It would, in fact, be an improvement, were allconstitutions henceforth to be written in this manner, since they wouldnecessarily be more explicit, intelligible, and sacred than they are bythe present attempt at literality.

  Having explained the governing principles of these two important states,I now crave the reader's attention, for a moment, while I go a littleinto the details of the MODUS OPERANDI, in both cases.

  Leaphigh acknowledged a principle, in the outset, that Leaplow totallydisclaimed, viz., that of primogeniture. Being an only child myself,and having no occasion for research on this interesting subject, I neverknew the basis of this peculiar right, until I came to read the greatLeaphigh commentator, Whiterock, on the governing rules of the socialcompact. I there found that the first-born, MORALLY considered, isthought to have better claims to the honors of the genealogical tree, onthe father's side, than those offspring whose origin is to be referredto a later period in connubial life. On this obvious and highlydiscriminating principle, the crown, the rights of the nobles, andindeed all other rights, are transferred from father to son, in thedirect male line, according to primogeniture.

  Nothing of this is practised in Leaplow. There, the supposition oflegitimacy is as much in favor of the youngest as of the oldest born,and the practice is in conformity. As there is no hereditary chief topoise on one of the legs of the great tripod, the people at the foot ofthe beam choose one from among themselves, periodically, who is calledthe Great Sachem. The same people choose another set, few in number,who occupy a common seat, on another leg. These they term the Riddles.Another set, still more numerous and popular in aspect, if not infact, fills a large seat on the third leg. These last, from their beingsupposed to be supereminently popular and disinterested, are familiarlyknown as the Legion. They are also pleasantly nicknamed the Bobees,an appellation that took its rise in the circumstance that most of themembers of their body have submitted to the second dock, and, indeed,have nearly obliterated every sign of a CAUDA. I had, most luckily, beenchosen to sit in the House of Bobees, a station for which I felt myselfwell qualified, in this great essential at least; for all the anointingand forcing resorted to by Noah and myself, during our voyage out, andour residence in Leaphigh, had not produced so much as a visible sproutin either.

  The Great Sachem, the Riddles, and the Legion, had conjoint duties toperform, in certain respects, and separate duties in others. All three,as they owed their allegorical elevation to, so were they dependent on,the people at the foot of the great social stick, for approbation andreward--that is to say for all rewards other than those which they haveit in their power to bestow on themselves. There was another authority,or agent of the public, that is equally perched on the social beam,though not quite so dependent as the three just named, upon the mainprop of the people--being also propped by a mechanical disposition ofthe tripod itself. These are termed the Supreme Arbitrators, and theirduties are to revise the acts of the other three agents of the people,and to decide whether they are or are not in conformity with therecognized principles of the Sacred Allegory.

  I was greatly delighted with my own progress in the study of the Leaplowinstitutions. In the first place, I soon discovered that the principalthing was to reverse the political knowledge I had acquired in Leaphigh,as one would turn a tub upside-down, when he wished to draw from itsstores at a fresh end, and then I was pretty sure of being within atleast the spirit of the Leaplow law. Everything seemed simple, for allwas dependent on the common prop, at the base of the great social beam.

  Having got a thorough insight myself into the governing principles ofthe system under which I had been chosen to serve, I went to look upmy colleague, Captain Poke, in order to ascertain how he understood thegreat Leaplow Allegory.

  I found the mind of the sealer, according to a beautiful form of speechalready introduced in this narrative, "considerably exercised," on theseveral subjects that so naturally presented themselves to a man inhis situation. In the first place, he was in a towering passion at theimpudence of Bob in presuming to offer himself as a candidate for thegreat council; and having offered himself, the rage of the Captain wasin no degree abated by the circumstance of the young rascal's being atthe head of the poll. He most unreservedly swore "that no subordinate ofhis should ever sit in the same legislative body with himself; that hewas a republican by birth, and knew the usages of republican governmentsquite as well as the best patriot among them; and although he admittedthat all sorts of critters were sent to Congress in his country, noman ever knew an instance of a cabin-boy's being sent there. They mightelect just as much as they pleased; but coming ashore, and playingpolitician were very different things from cleaning his boots, andmaking his coffee, and mixing his grog." The captain had just beenwaited on by a committee of the Perpendiculars (half the Leaplowcommunity is on some committee or other), by whom he had been elected,and they had given notice, that instructions would be sent in,forthwith, to all their representatives, to perform gyration No. 3, assoon after the meeting of the council as possible. He was no tumbler,and he had sent for a master of political saltation, who had just beenwith him practising. According to Noah's own statement, his success wasanything but flattering. "If they would give a body room, Sir John," hesaid, in a complaining accent, "I should think nothing of it--but youare expected to stand shoulder to shoulder--yard-arm and yard-arm--andthrow a flap-jack as handy as an old woman would toss a johnny-cake!It's unreasonable to think of wearing ship without room; but give meroom, and I'll engage to get round on the other tack, and to luff intothe line again, as safely as the oldest cruiser among 'em, though notquite so quick. They do go about spitefully, that's sartain."

  Nor were the Great National Allegories without their difficulties.Noah perfectly understood the images of the two tripods, though he wasdisposed to think that neither was properly secured. A mast wouldmake but bad weather, he maintained, let it be ever so well rigged andstayed, without being also securely stepped. He saw no use in trustingthe heels of the beams to anybody. Good lashings were what were wanted,and then the people might go about their private affairs, and not fearthe work would fall. That the king of Leaphigh had no memory, he couldtestify from bitter experience; nor did he believe that he had anyconscience; and, chiefly he desired to know if we, when we got up intoour places on the top of the three inverted beams, among the otherBobees, were to make war on the Great Sachem and the Riddles, or whetherwe were to consider the whole affair as a good thing, in which thewisest course would be to make fair weather of it?

  To all these remarks and questions I answered as well as my own limitedexperience would allow; taking care to inform my friend that he hadconceived the whole matter a little too literally, as all that he hadbeen reading about the great political beams, the tripods, and thelegislative boxes, was merely an allegory.

  "And pray, then, Sir John, what may an allegory be?"

  "In this case, my good sir, it is a constitution."

  "And what is a constitution?"

  "Why, it is sometimes as you perceive, an allegory."

  "And are we not to be mast-headed, then, according to the book?"

  "Figuratively, only."

  "But there are actually such critters as the Great Sachem, and Riddles,and above all, the Bobees!--We are boney fie-diddle-di-dee elected?"

  "Boney fie-diddle-di-dee."

  "And may I take the liberty of asking, what it is our duty to do?"

  "We are to act practically--according to the literality of the legal,implied, figurative, allegorical significations of the Great NationalCompact under a legitimate construction."

  "I fear we shall have to work doubletides, Sir John, to do so much in soshort a time! Do you mean that, in honest truth, there is no beam?"

  "There is, and there is not."

  "No fore, main, and mizzen tops, according to what is here writtendown?"

  "There is not, and there is."

  "Sir John, in the name of God, speak out! Is all this about eightdollars
a day, no better than a take in?"

  "That, I believe is strictly literal."

  As Noah now seemed a little mollified, I seized the opportunity totell him he must beware how he attempted to stop Bob from attending thecouncil. Members were privileged, going and coming; and unless he wasguarded in his course, he might have some unpleasant collision with thesergeant-at-arms. Besides, it was unbecoming the dignity of a legislatorto be wrangling about trifles, and he, to whom was confided the greataffairs of a state, ought to attach the utmost importance to a graveexterior, which commonly was of more account with his constituents thanany other quality. Any one could tell whether he was grave or not,but it was by no means so easy a matter to tell whether he or hisconstituents had the greater cause to appear so. Noah promised to bediscreet, and we parted, not to meet again until we assembled to besworn in.

  Before continuing the narrative, I will just mention that we disposedof our commercial investments that morning. All the Leaphigh opinionsbrought good prices; and I had occasion to see how well the brigadierunderstood the market by the eagerness with which, in particular, theOpinions on the State of Society in Leaplow were bought up. But, by oneof those unexpected windfalls which raise up so many of the chosen ofthe earth to their high places, the cook did better than any of us. Itwill be remembered, that he had bartered an article of merchandisethat he called slush against a neglected bale of Distinctive LeaplowOpinions, which had no success at all in Leaphigh. Coming as they didfrom abroad, these articles had taken as novelties in Bivouac, and hesold them all before night, at enormous advances; the cry being thatsomething new and extraordinary had found its way into the market.