The Monikins

  CHAPTER XXVI. HOW TO ENACT LAWS--ORATORY, LOGIC, AND ELOQUENCE; ALLCONSIDERED IN THEIR EVERY-DAY ASPECTS.

  Political oaths are very much the same sort of thing everywhere, and Ishall say no more about our inauguration than simply to state it tookplace as usual. The two houses were duly organized, and we proceeded,without delay, to the transaction of business. I will here state thatI was much rejoiced to find Brigadier Downright among the Bobees,the captain whispering that most probably he had been mistaken for an"immigrunt," and chosen accordingly.

  It was not a great while before the Great Sachem sent us acommunication, which contained a compte rendue of the state of thenation. Like most accounts it is my good fortune to receive, I thoughtit particularly long. Agreeably to the opinions of this document, thepeople of Leaplow were, by a good deal, the happiest people in theworld; they were also considerably more respected, esteemed, beloved,honored, and properly appreciated, than any other monikin community,and, in short, they were the admiration and glory of the universe. I wasexceedingly glad to hear this, for some of the facts were quite new tome; a circumstance which shows one can never get correct notions of anation except from itself.

  These important facts properly digested, we all of us set about ourseveral duties with a zeal that spoke fairly for our industry andintegrity. Things commenced swimmingly, and it was not long before theRiddles sent us a resolution for concurrence, by way of opening theball. It was conceived in the following terms: "Resolved, that the colorwhich has hitherto been deemed to be black, is really white."

  As this was the first resolution that involved a principle on whichwe had been required to vote, I suggested to Noah the propriety of ourgoing round to the brigadier, and inquiring what might be the driftof so singular a proposition. Our colleague answered the question withgreat good-nature, giving us to understand that the Perpendiculars andthe Horizontals had long been at variance on the mere coloring propertyof various important questions, and the real matter involved in theresolution was not visible. The former had always maintained (by always,he meant ever since the time they maintained the contrary) the doctrineof the resolution, and the latter its converse. A majority of theRiddles, just at this moment, are Perpendiculars; and, as it was nowseen, they had succeeded in getting a vote on their favorite principle.

  "According to this account of the matter, Sir John," observed thecaptain, "I shall be compelled to maintain that black is white, seeingthat I am in on the Parpendic'lar interest?"

  I thought with the captain, and was pleased that my own legislativedebut was not to be characterized by the promulgation of any doctrineso much at variance with my preconceived ways of thinking. Curious,however, to know his opinion, I asked the brigadier in what light hefelt disposed to view the matter himself.

  "I am elected by the Tangents," he said; "and, by what I can learn, itis the intention of our friends to steer a middle course; and one of ourleaders is already selected, who, at a proper stage of the affair, is tomove an amendment."

  "Can you refer me, my dear friend, to anything connected with the GreatNational Allegory that bears on this point?"

  "Why, there is a clause among the fundamental and immutable laws, whichit is thought was intended to meet this very case; but, unhappily, thesages by whom our Allegory was drawn up have not paid quite as muchattention to the phraseology as the importance of the subject demanded."

  Here the brigadier laid his finger on the clause in question, andI returned to a seat to study its meaning. It was conceived asfollows:--Art. IV. Clause 6: "The Great National Council shall, inno case whatever, pass any law, or resolution, declaring white to beblack."

  After studying this fundamental enactment to the bottom, turning iton every side, and finally considering it upside-down, I came to theconclusion that its tenor was, on the whole, rather more favorablethan unfavorable to the Horizontal doctrine. It struck me, a very goodargument was to be made out of the constitutional question, and that itpresented a very fair occasion for a new member to venture on a maidenspeech. Having so settled the matter, entirely to my own satisfaction,I held myself in reserve, waiting for the proper moment to produce aneffect.

  It was not long before the chairman of the committee on the judiciary(one of the effects of the resolution was entirely to change thecoloring of all testimony throughout the vast Republic of Leaplow) madehis report on the subject-matter of the resolution. This person wasa Tangent, who had a besetting wish to become a Riddle, although theleaning of our house was decidedly Horizontal; and, as a matter ofcourse, he took the Riddle side of this question. The report, itself,required seven hours in the reading, commencing with the subject atthe epocha of the celebrated caucus that was adjourned sine die, by thedisruption of the earth's crust, and previously to the distribution ofthe great monikin family into separate communities, and ending withthe subject of the resolution in his hand. The reporter had set hispolitical palette with the utmost care, having completely covered thesubject with neutral tints, before he got through with it, and glazingthe whole down with ultramarine, in such a way as to cause the eye toregard the matter through a fictitious atmosphere. Finally, he repeatedthe resolution, verbatim, and as it came from the other house.

  Mr. Speaker now called upon gentlemen to deliver their sentiments. To myutter amazement, Captain Poke arose, put his tobacco back into its box,and opened the debate without apology.

  The honorable captain said he understood this question to be oneimplicating the liberties of everybody. He understood the matterliterally, as it was propounded in the Allegory, and set forth in theresolution; and, as such, he intended to look at it with unprejudicedeyes. "The natur' of this proposal lay altogether in color. Whatis color, after all? Make the most of it, and in the most favorableposition, which, perhaps, is the cheek of a comely young woman, andit is but skin-deep. He remembered the time when a certain female inanother part of the univarse, who is commonly called Miss Poke, mighthave out-rosed the best rose in a placed called Stunnin'tun; and whatdid it all amount to? He shouldn't ask Miss Poke herself, for obviousreasons--but he would ask any of the neighbors how she looked now?Quitting female natur', he would come to human natur' generally. He hadoften remarked that sea water was blue, and he had frequently causedpails to be lowered, and the water brought on deck, to see if he couldcome at any of this blueing matter--for indigo was both scarce and dearin his part of the world, but he never could make out anything by theexperiment; from which he concluded that, on the whull, there was prettymuch no such thing as color, at all.

  "As for the resolution before the house, it depended entirely on themeaning of words. Now, after all, what is a word? Why, some people'swords are good, and other people's words are good for nothing. Forhis part, he liked sealed instruments--which might be because he was asealer--but as for mere words, he set but little store by them. He oncetuck a man's word for his wages; and the long and short of it was, thathe lost his money. He had known a thousand instances in which words hadproved to be of no value, and he did not see why some gentlemen wishedto make them of so much importance here. For his part, he was forpuffing up nothing, no, not even a word or a color, above its desarts.The people seemed to call for a change in the color of things, and hecalled upon gentlemen to remember that this was a free country, and onein which the laws ruled; and therefore he trusted they would be disposedto adapt the laws to the wants of the people. What had the people askedof the house in this matter? So far as his knowledge went, they hadreally asked nothing in words, but he understood there was greatdiscontent on the subject of the old colors; and he construed theirsilence into an expression of contempt for words in general. He was aParpendic'lar, and he should always maintain Parpendic'lar sentiments.Gentlemen might not agree with him, but, for one, he was not disposed tojipordyze the liberties of his constituents, and therefore he gavethe rizolution just as it came from the Riddles, without altering aletter--although he did think there was one word misspelt--he meant'really,' which he had been taught to spell 'ra'aily'--but he was r
eadyto sacrifice even his opinions on this point to the good of the country;and therefore he went with the Riddles, even to their misprints. Hehoped the rizolution would pass, with the entire unanimity so importanta subject demanded."

  This speech produced a very strong sensation. Up to this time, theprincipal orators of the house had been much in the practice ofsplitting hairs about some nice technicality in the Great Allegory; butNoah, with the simplicity of a truly great mind, had made a home thrustat the root of the whole matter; laying about him with the single-first,I made a few apposite remarks on the necessity of respecting the vitalordinances of the body politic, and asked the attention of my hearerswhile I read to them a particular clause, which it had struck me hadsome allusion to the very point now in consideration. Having thuscleared the way, I had not the folly to defeat the objects of so muchpreparation, by an indiscreet precipitancy. So far from it, previouslyto reading the extract from the constitution, I waited until theattention of every member present was attracted more forcibly by thedignity, deliberation, and gravity of my manner, than by the substanceof what had yet been said. In the midst of this deep silence andexpectation I read aloud, in a voice that reached every cranny in thehall--

  "The great council shall, in no case whatever, pass any law, orresolution, declaring white to be black."

  If I had been calm in the presentation of this authority, I was equallyself-possessed in waiting for its effect. Looking about me I sawsurprise, perplexity, doubt, wonder, and uncertainty in everycountenance, if I did not find conviction. One fact embarrassed even me.Our friends the Horizontals were evidently quite as much at fault as ouropponents the Perpendiculars, instead of being, as I had good reason tohope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on hearing their cause sustained by anauthority so weighty.

  "Will the honorable member have the goodness to explain from what authorhe has quoted?" one of the leading Perpendiculars at length ventured toinquire.

  "The language you have just heard, Mr. Speaker," I resumed, believingthat now was the favorable instant to follow up the matter, "is languagethat must find an echo in every heart--it is language that can neverbe used in vain in this venerable hall, language that carries with itconviction and command."--I observed that the members were now fairlygaping at each other with wonder.--"Sir, I am asked to name the authorfrom whom I have quoted these sententious and explicit words--Sir, whatyou have just heard is to be found in the Article IV., Clause 6, of theGreat National Allegory--"

  "Order--order--order!" shouted a hundred raven throats.

  I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house itself had been only theinstant before.

  "Order--order--order--order--order!" continued to be yelled, as if amillion of demons were screeching in the hall.

  "The honorable member will please to recollect," said the bland andex-officio impartial speaker, who, by the way, was a Perpendicular,elected by fraud, "that it is out of order to use personalities."

  "Personalities! I do not understand, sir--"

  "The instrument to which the honorable member has alluded, his own goodsense will tell him, was never written by itself--so far from this, thevery members of the convention by which it was drawn up, are at thisinstant members of this house, and most of them supporters of theresolution now before the house; and it will be deemed personal to throwinto their faces former official acts, in this unheard-of manner. I amsorry it is my duty to say, that the honorable member is entirely out oforder."

  "But, sir, the Sacred National--"

  "Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt--but in a sense different from what youimagine--much too sacred, sir, ever to be alluded to here. There are theworks of the commentators, the books of constructions, and specially thewritings of various foreign and perfectly disinterested statesmen--needI name Ekrub in particular!--that are at the command of members; butso long as I am honored with a seat in this chair, I shall peremptorilydecide against all personalities."

  I was dumfounded. The idea that the authority itself would be refusednever crossed my mind, though I had anticipated a sharp struggle onits construction. The constitution only required that no law shouldbe passed declaring black to be white, whereas the resolution merelyordered that henceforth white should be black. Here was matter fordiscussion, nor was I at all sanguine as to the result; but to be thusknocked on the head by a club, in the outset, was too much for themodesty of a maiden speech. I took my seat in confusion; and I plainlysaw that the Perpendiculars, by their sneers, now expected to carryeverything triumphantly their own way. This, most probably, would havebeen the case, had not one of the Tangents immediately got the floor,to move the amendment. To the vast indignation of Captain Poke, and,in some degree, to my own mortification, this duty was intrusted to theHon. Robert Smut. Mr. Smut commenced with entreating members not to beled away by the sophistry of the first speaker. That honorable member,no doubt, felt himself called upon to defend the position taken by hisfriends; but those that knew him well, as it had been his fate to knowhim, must be persuaded that his sentiments had, at least, undergone asudden and miraculous change. That honorable member denied the existenceof color at all! He would ask that honorable member if he had never beeninstrumental himself in producing what is generally called "black andblue color"? He should like to know if that honorable member placed aslittle value, at present, on blows as he now seemed to set on words. Hebegged pardon of the house--but this was a matter of great interest tohimself--he knew that there never had been a greater manufacturer of"black and blue color" than that honorable member, and he wondered athis now so pertinaciously denying the existence of colors, and at hiswish to underrate their value. For his part, he trusted he understoodthe importance of words, and the value of hues; and while he didnot exactly see the necessity of deeming black so inviolable as somegentlemen appeared to think it, he was not by any means prepared to goas far as those who had introduced this resolution. He did not believethat public opinion was satisfied with maintaining that black was black,but he thought it was not yet disposed to affirm that black was white.He did not say that such a day might not arrive; he only maintained thatit had not yet arrived, and with a view to meet that which he believedwas the public sentiment, he should move, by way of amendment, to strikeout the whole of the resolution after the word "really," and insert thatwhich would cause the whole resolution to read as follows, viz.:

  "Resolved, that the color which has hitherto been deemed to be black, isreally lead-color."

  Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat, leaving the house to itsown ruminations. The leaders of the Perpendiculars, foreseeing thatif they got half-way this session, they might effect the rest oftheir object the next, determined to accept the compromise; and theresolution, amended, passed by a handsome majority. So this importantpoint was finally decided for the moment, leaving great hopes amongthe Perpendiculars of being able to lay the Horizontals even flatter ontheir backs than they were just then.

  The next question that presented itself was of far less interest,exciting no great attention. To understand it, however, it will benecessary to refer a little to history. The government of Leapthroughhad, about sixty-three years before, caused one hundred and twenty-sixLeaplow ships to be burned on the high seas, or otherwise destroyed.The pretence was, that they incommoded Leapthrough. Leaplow was much toogreat a nation to submit to so heinous an outrage, while, at the sametime, she was much too magnanimous and wise a nation to resent it in anevery-day and vulgar manner. Instead of getting in a passion and loadingher cannon, she summoned all her logic and began to reason. Afterreasoning the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two years, or untilall the parties who had been wronged were dead, and could no longerbe benefited by her logic, she determined to abate two-thirds of herpretensions in a pecuniary sense, and all her pretensions in an honorarysense, and to compromise the affair by accepting a certain insignificantsum of money as a salve to the whole wrong. Leapthrough conditionedto pay this money, in the most solemn and satisfactory manner; andeverybody was delighted with the am
icable termination of a veryvexatious and a seemingly interminable discussion. Leapthrough was quiteas glad to get rid of the matter as Leaplow, and very naturally, underall the circumstances, thought the whole thing at length done with,when she conditioned to pay the money. The Great Sachem of Leaplow, mostunfortunately, however, had a "will of iron," or, in other words, hethought the money ought to be paid as well as conditioned to be paid.This despotic construction of the bargain had given rise to unheard-ofdissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as indeed might have been expected; butit was, oddly enough, condemned with some heat even in Leaplow itself,where it was stoutly maintained by certain ingenious logicians, that theonly true way to settle a bargain to pay money, was to make a new onefor a less sum whenever the amount fell due; a plan that, with a propermoderation and patience would be certain, in time, to extinguish thewhole debt.

  Several very elaborate patriots had taken this matter in hand, andit was now about to be presented to the house under four differentcategories. Category No. 1, had the merit of simplicity and precision.It proposed merely that Leaplow should pay the money itself, and take upthe bond, using its own funds. Category No. 2, embraced a recommendationof the Great Sachem for Leaplow to pay itself, using, however, certainfunds of Leapthrough. Category No. 3 was a proposal to offer tenmillions to Leapthrough to say no more about the transaction at all.Category No. 4, was to commence the negotiating or abating systemmentioned, without delay, in order to extinguish the claim byinstalments as soon as possible.

  The question came up on the consideration of the different projectsconnected with these four leading principles. My limits will not admitof a detailed history of the debate. All I can do, is merely to give anoutline of the logic that these various propositions set in motion, ofthe legislative ingenuity of which they were the parents, and of themultitude of legitimate conclusions that so naturally followed.

  In favor of category No 1, it was urged that, by adopting its leadingidea, the affair would be altogether in our own hands, and mightconsequently be settled with greater attention to purely Leaplowinterests; that further delay could only proceed from our ownnegligence; that no other project was so likely to get rid of thisprotracted negotiation in so short a time; that by paying the debt withthe Leaplow funds, we should be sure of receiving its amount in the goodlegal currency of the republic; that it would be singularly economical,as the agent who paid might also be authorized to receive, whereby therewould be a saving in salary; and, finally, that under this category, thewhole affair might be brought within the limits of a nutshell, and thecompass of any one's understanding.

  In favor of category No. 2, little more than very equivocal sophisms,which savored strongly of commonplace opinions, were presented. It waspretended, for instance, that he who signed a bond was in equity boundto pay it; that, if he refused, the other party had the natural andlegal remedy of compulsion; that it might not always be convenient fora creditor to pay all the obligations of other people which he mighthappen to hold; that if his transactions were extensive, money mightbe wanting to carry out such a principle; and that, as a precedent, itwould comport much more with Leaplow prudence and discretion to maintainthe old and tried notions of probity and justice, than to enter on theunknown ocean of uncertainty that was connected with the new opinions,by admitting which, we could never know when we were fairly out of debt.

  Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new system of logic, whichappeared to have great favor with that class of the members who wereof the more refined school of ethics. These orators referred the wholematter to a sentiment of honor. They commenced by drawing vivid picturesof the outrages in which the original wrongs had been committed. Theyspoke of ruined families, plundered mariners, and blasted hopes. Theypresented minute arithmetical calculations to show that just forty timesas much wrong had, in fact, been done, as this bond assumed; and that,as the case actually stood, Leaplow ought, in strict justice, to receiveexactly forty times the amount of the money that was actually includedin the instrument. Turning from these interesting details, they nextpresented the question of honor. Leapthrough, by attacking the Leaplowflag, and invading Leaplow rights, had made it principally a question ofhonor, and, in disposing of it, the principle of honor ought never tobe lost sight of. It was honorable to PAY ones' debts--this no one coulddispute but it was not so clear, by any means, that there was any honorin RECEIVING ones' dues. The national honor was concerned; and theycalled on members, as they cherished the sacred sentiment, to comeforward and sustain it by their votes. As the matter stood, Leaplow hadthe best of it. In compounding with her creditor, as had been done inthe treaty, Leapthrough lost some honor--in refusing to pay the bond,she lost still more; and now, if we should send her the ten millionsproposed, and she should have the weakness to accept it, we shouldfairly get our foot upon her neck, and she could never look us in theface again!

  The category No. 4, brought up a member who had made political economyhis chief study. This person presented the following case:--Accordingto his calculations, the wrong had been committed precisely sixty-threeyears, and twenty-six days, and two-thirds of a day ago. For the wholeof that long period Leaplow had been troubled with this vexatiousquestion, which had hung like a cloud over the otherwise unimpairedbrightness of her political landscape. It was time to get rid of it. Thesum stipulated was just twenty-five millions, to be paid in twenty-fiveannual instalments, of a million each. Now, he proposed to reduce theinstalments to one-half the number, but in no way to change the sum.That point ought to be considered as irrevocably settled. This woulddiminish the debt one-half. Before the first instalment should becomedue he would effect a postponement, by diminishing the instalmentsagain to six, referring the time to the latest periods named in the lasttreaty, and always most sacredly keeping the sums precisely the same. Itwould be impossible to touch the sums, which, he repeated, ought to beconsidered as sacred. Before the expiration of the first seven years,a new arrangement might reduce the instalments to two, or even toone--always respecting the sum; and finally, at the proper moment, atreaty could be concluded, declaring that there should be no instalmentat all, reserving the point, that if there HAD been an instalment,Leaplow could never have consented to reduce it below one million. Theresult would be that in about five-and-twenty years the country wouldbe fairly rid of the matter, and the national character, which it wasagreed on all hands was even now as high as it well could be, wouldprobably be raised many degrees higher. The negotiations had commencedin a spirit of compromise; and our character for consistency requiredthat this spirit of compromise should continue to govern our conduct aslong as a single farthing remained unpaid.

  This idea took wonderfully; and I do believe it would have passed bya handsome majority, had not a new proposition been presented, by anorator of singularly pathetic powers.

  The new speaker objected to all four of the categories. He saidthat each and every one of them would lead to war. Leapthrough was achivalrous and high-minded nation, as was apparent by the present aspectof things. Should we presume to take up the bond, using our own funds,it would mortally offend her pride, and she would fight us; did wepresume to take up the bond, using her funds, it would offend herfinancial system, and she would fight us; did we presume to offerher ten millions to say no more about the matter, it would offend herdignity by intimating that she was to be bought off from her rights,and she would fight us; did we presume to adopt the system of newnegotiations, it would mortally offend her honor, by intimating that shewould not respect her old negotiations, and she would fight us. He sawwar in all four of the categories. He was for a peace category, and hethought he held in his hand a proposition, that by proper management,using the most tender delicacy, and otherwise respecting thesensibilities of the high and honorable nation in question, we mightpossibly get out of this embarrassing dilemma without actually coming toblows--he said to blows, for he wished to impress on honorable membersthe penalties of war. He invited gentlemen to recollect that a conflictbetween two great nations was a
serious affair. If Leapthrough were alittle nation, it would be a different matter, and the contest might beconducted in a corner; our honor was intimately connected with all wedid with great nations. What was war? Did gentlemen know? He would tellthem.

  Here the orator drew a picture of war that caused suffering monikinityto shudder. He viewed it in its four leading points: its religious, itspecuniary, its political, and its domestic penalties. He described warto be the demon state of the monikin mind; as opposed to worship,to charity, brotherly love, and all the virtues. On its pecuniarypenalties, he touched by exhibiting a tax-sheet. Buttons which costsixpence a gross, he assured the house, would shortly cost sevenpence agross.--Here he was reminded that monikins no longer wore buttons.--Nomatter, they bought and sold buttons, and the effects on trade werejust the same. The political penalties of war he fairly showed to befrightful; but when he came to speak of the domestic penalties, therewas not a dry eye in the house. Captain Poke blubbered so loud that Iwas in an agony lest he should be called to order.

  "Regard that pure spirit," he cried, "crushed as it has been in thewhirlwind of war. Behold her standing over the sod that covers the heroof his country, the husband of her virgin affections. In vain the orphanat her side turns its tearful eye upwards, and asks for the plumes thatso lately pleased its infant fancy; in vain its gentle voice inquireswhen he is to return, when he is to gladden their hearts with hispresence--" But I can write no more. Sobs interrupted the speaker, andhe took his seat in an ecstasy of godliness and benevolence.

  I hurried across the house, to beg the brigadier would introduce me tothis just monikin without a moment's delay. I felt as if I could takehim to my heart at once, and swear an eternal friendship with a spiritso benevolent. The brigadier was too much agitated, at first, to attendto me; but, after wiping his eyes at least a hundred times, he finallysucceeded in arresting the torrents, and looked upwards with a blandsmile.

  "Is he not a wonderful monikin?"

  "Wonderful indeed! How completely he puts us all to shame!--Such amonikin can only be influenced by the purest love for the species."

  "Yes, he is of a class that we call the third monikinity. Nothingexcites our zeal like the principles of the class of which he is amember!"

  "How! Have you more than one class of the humane?"

  "Certainly--the Original, the Representative, and the Speculative."

  "I am devoured by the desire to understand the distinctions, my dearbrigadier."

  "The Original is an every-day class, that feels under the naturalimpulses. The Representative is a more intellectual division, thatfeels chiefly by proxy. The Speculatives are those whose sympathies areexcited by positive interests, like the last speaker. This person haslately bought a farm by the acre, which he is about to sell, in villagelots, by the foot, and war will knock the whole thing in the head. It isthis which stimulates his benevolence in so lively a manner."

  "Why, this is no more than a development of the social-stake system--"

  I was interrupted by the speaker, who called the house to order. Thevote on the resolution of the last orator was to be taken. It read asfollows:--

  "Resolved, that it is altogether unbecoming the dignity and characterof Leapthrough, for Leaplow to legislate on the subject of so petty aconsideration as a certain pitiful treaty between the two countries."

  "Unanimity--unanimity!" was shouted by fifty voices. Unanimity therewas; and then the whole house set to work shaking hands and hugging eachother, in pure joy at the success of the honorable and ingenious mannerin which it had got rid of this embarrassing and impertinent question.